On last week’s radio show I was bored and didn’t want to play stinky Christmas bullshit so instead I played a random and unplanned selection of sixteen songs that were good, but not good enough to make it into my Top 30 list. Ever since then I’ve been constantly asked questions about them, so to keep you all happy until my top/bottom 30 lists appear here are the honourable mentions, with ultra-tiny reviews of each. These are not numbered because they are in no specific order, and they are feature tracks only. I’ve also included an equal amount of dishonourable mentions, (that weren’t played on the show) because I know you guys like it when I piss all over your faves for some reason. This honourable/dishonourable mentions list won’t be going up on Anti Kpop-Fangirl, it’s just going to live on Kpopalypse blog so I’ve got something to link people who keep asking me about it. Please enjoy this mini-post while you wait for the top/bottom 30!
Okay, so it’s not really that “mini” the way I’ve done it, but it is once you remove the 32 video links…
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Miniskirt
Brave Brothers find the “suck” knob on their studio control desk and turn it down a few notches, meanwhile AOA unzip their skirts a few notches. Everybody wins.
BTS (Bangtan Boys) – War Of Hormone
I guess now that Block B couldn’t be bothered sounding like Block B anymore, someone has to pick up the slack – enter nugus BTS.
Fiestar – One More
Everyone noticed the sexy makeover and the lyrics about threesomes, but I also noticed that Fiestar had finally been given a good song. Now if only Cheska was still in the group (sob).
Jiyeon – Never Ever (1 min 1 second)
Jiyeon can’t sing that well and that’s precisely why this works – the songwriter doesn’t try to overextend her so she touches the right notes in this sentimental mid-paced song. If Ailee tried this the result would be garbage.
Got7 – Stop Stop It
JYP turns up the vocoder to 11 for his latest boy group and it’s probably the best use of the vocal effect in a k-pop song to date. Meanwhile dumb k-pop fans will still mistake it for Autotune and complain.
Four Ladies – Move
The gyrating sheer suits stopped people from noticing that this was essentially a tango reimagining of 4Minute’s “Volume Up“, which was 4Minute’s last good song. Now it’s 4Ladies’ first good song.
Hi Suhyun ft. Bobby – I’m Different
A great rhythm track similar to (but better than) Lee Hi’s “1,2,3,4” saves what would otherwise have been a tedious blues-based wank straight to nowhere. Even the cringeworthy raps can’t sink this for me.
VIXX – Eternity
A k-pop track with black metal-style gang-vocal riffs in the chorus? Really? More of this type of thing, please.
IU & Seo Taiji – Sogyeokdong
Seo Taiji’s infatuation with ultra-gated analog synth noises is taken a little bit too far on this track and threatens to swallow IU’s input up completely, but the great melody and riffs still make it one of 2014’s only good ballads.
Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby
Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams” just got given a k-pop makeover with faster beats, less maudlin vocal warbling and six girls more fappable than Annie Lennox in her prime. Who’s complaining?
Orange Caramel – Catallena
Pretentious artsy-fuck sack-licking music critics stroked themselves off over this hardcore because the MV was kinda weird and the song nicked a vocal hook from “Jutti Meri” so they got to use words like “mishmash” and “heteronormative” in a frenzy of literary masturbation, but it was actually one of OC’s worst features in 2014. This of course means it’s still great by the standards of just about any other group.
EXO – Overdose
EXO did the unthinkable in 2014 and did a song I actually liked. Most of it’s actually awful but the chorus has some gorgeous synth harmony and is brilliant enough for me to overlook all the other wank.
Stellar – Mask
Stellar’s agency responded to criticisms of “Marionette” by adding more clothes and more sexiness, meanwhile the Sweetune-produced track is the best KARA song that KARA never had.
EXID – Up & Down
I don’t actually give a shit about Hani’s fancam, “Up & Down” was a good song when it came out, and it’s still a good song now. Bonus points for a nod to at least half a dozen sexual fetishes in the MV.
TaeTiSeo – Holler
Like Hi Suhyun, this song only works for me because of the excellent backing track (from Hitchhiker of “Eleven” fame) that I could honestly listen to all day even without the vocals.
Hong Jin Young – Cheer Up
Just veering a little bit too far in the direction of generic trot restaurant music to make the top 30, this contains enough neo-folkisms and Hong Jin Young being hot in the MV for me to still like it anyway.
DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS
Taeyang – 1AM
I originally put “Ringa Linga” here and then some helpful person pointed out that it was from 2013 but I’m pretty sure I meant to post this piece of shit instead. I guess YG’s generic swag-lite bullshit songs suck so much that it all blends into one seamless pile of yoloshit.
Akdong Musician – Melted
You probably cried over this video story, but music videos are fiction, you weak cunt. Why not cry over being emotionally manipulated into listening to another generic crap ballad instead, because that actually did happen and you should be upset about it.
Sunny Hill – Once In Summer
Sunny Hill try to do debut-style-SNSD just for a change and they fail even harder than Apink usually does when they try to do the same thing, which is like, every two weeks.
Apink – Mr. Chu
Speaking of which it’s 2014 and Apink’s songwriters are still trying to rewrite all the songs from SNSD’s first album six dozen different ways and failing. Not many groups fill out a school uniform quite like Apink though – the real reason both for their success and for why their agency won’t let go of those “cute” concepts. Fap fap fap.
Spica – Ghost
Poor Spica. I guess “Ghost” is as good a metaphor for their career so far as any other, and songs like this are the reason why.
As One – For The Night
Girls bending over in frilly maid uniforms are hot and they kept me watching this video long after I figured out that this song was just some generic R&B bullshit.
2NE1 – Come Back Home
In a daring slice of reality TV, this MV has Bom mixing up hallucinogenic drugs in a laboratory. Bom please cook me up some of your famous crystal meth jelly snacks so I can stay awake through another dull dose of 2NE1-style reggae-lite.
Akdong Musician – 200%
I’d rather listen to this than anything else by AKMU. Which is like saying that I’d rather take a chainsaw to the face than to the testicles.
Lim Chang Jung – Ordinary Song
He’s not kidding.
Nell – Four Times Around The Sun
It’s amazing how much you can emotionally manipulate people with some confetti, a leaf-blower, some mood lighting and some third-rate Coldplay-by-numbers. Some people probably legit became teary over this.
JYJ – Back Seat
JYJ fans, the real reason music shows won’t let JYJ on is because they have too many songs like this, which are just too shit for broadcast TV. They love it how they can just pass the buck to SM on that front and you straight away believe them.
Sistar – I Swear
Even Hyolyn’s ass half-hanging out of her shorts, Soyou bouncing around in boob-hugging tops and all four of Sistar in bed together can’t make me sit through this earsore of cluttered brass and nauesating shrill vocals.
Red Velvet – Be Natural
I thought their “Yayaya” clone “Happiness” was a bit on the nose when it came out, but I’m appreciating it a lot more these days – it’s honestly solid gold compared to this shithouse cover of some worthless S.E.S song nobody cares about.
Raina & San E – A Midsummer Night’s Sweetness
It’s well-documented how much of a Raina fan I am, and even I think this is lazy insipid garbage, so there’s no excuse for anybody else to like it. I like that song with Kanto where they break up better – that’ll teach Raina not to get musically involved with this awful hip-hop-lite.
Soyou (Sistar), Jinggigo, Lil Boi (Geeks) – Some
Someone on YouTube asked for songs similar to this one and he got 66 suggestions – that’s how generic and fucking hideously bland this is. Of course Korea loves it, but then Korea also loves bullying, working 18 hour days and Busker Busker. I could have linked any of those other identikit songs in this space instead but I like Soyou’s tits and I want to be able to access them easily for later use.
Girls’ Generation – Mr. Mr.
SM listened to you all whine about how experimental “I Got A Boy” was so they did their best to release something as boring as possible to cater to all of you who felt left out. Happy now?
That’s it for now! Best/worst of lists for 2014 coming soon!
Tagged: reviews
