Many things have changed in the k-pop landscape over the last 12 months, including group line-ups, music styles, and Raina’s face. Clearly my previous bias list is now out of date and could use a rework. How will the ever-changing k-pop scene affect the bias list in 2017?
My bias list changes gradually over time – as women exit the k-pop scene they are no longer eligible for the list, while at the same time more and more new eligible entrants arrive. However this is a slow process as I don’t follow new groups closely – as people who use my ask.fm will know all too well, the answer to “what do you think of [recently debuted person x] is almost always “meh”. Girls in groups take a while for me to really pinpoint anything interesting about them – it’s often several years after they debut before I can even pick them apart from their groupmates let alone form any kind of preferences. The sheer amount of girl groups debuting plus the cookie-cutter surgically-enhanced appearance of so many k-pop girl group members only reinforces the confusion.
Having said that, there are definitely some people who stand out, so let’s get to it and see wh…
#1 – SUHYUN (AKMU)
Hahahaha, fuck everyone. Suhyun is great. Now that Raina has had one too many facial surgeries and ruined much of the cute chipmunkness that made me bias her in the first place, I’m taking refuge in Suhyun who said that she would never ever have surgeries ever ever ever, not ever, nope gosh no way, unless she feels like it, which hopefully won’t be anytime soon, please don’t do it SUHYUN DON’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT FUCKING SHIT.
Suhyun is super-cute with her weird eyes, weird jaw and general sexy face-smashed-in appearance, even if she smells. As you can see in the above video, her brother keeps putting her hand between his and her face so he doesn’t have to take a whiff of her stink breath. However that wouldn’t bother me, I have almost no sense of smell, that’s why my girlfriend always gets me to clean the cat litter tray. So Suhyun is alright by me.
#2 – SHANNON WILLIAMS
Shannon is here because personality matters. As they say, opposites attract, and as I’ve already covered, not many women in k-pop are as woke as Shannon Williams so naturally therefore I like her a lot, also her face looks like my girlfriend a bit so that kind of helps her along. Her latest Britney-ish look for her “Hello” comeback isn’t really my style but she went blonde about the same time that my girlfriend did and hey I’m not about to tell either of them how to do their thing.
It’s very difficult to determine the trufax of an idol’s personality but I have concluded from various information told to me that Shannon is not only more attractive than you (unless you’re Suhyun) but sharp as a tack and not someone who is fucking around with any of your bullshit. She means business even more than the big tattooed bodyguard/manager dudes in the above video. Replace the words “Chuck Norris” with “Shannon Williams” in any Chuck Norris joke and the jokes actually make a lot more sense, because Shannon is a strong independent woman and Chuck Norris is a pussy who got his ass kicked by Bruce Lee.
#3 – EUNJUNG (T-ARA)
Eunjung was the girl who copped it the most harshly in the T-ara bullshit circus, with every thick-as-dried-dogshit k-pop fan ever convinced that Eunjung was somehow the biggest bully in k-pop. Fortunately we are now all in agreement that she was in fact more like the bravest snake-bite survivor. Not only that but she’s the most attractive T-ara member because she actually has a body that isn’t 90% bones and sandbags.
Most of all it should be remembered that Eunjung was always the better person and never shat on the twin snakes publicly no matter how much they deserved it (apart from that one completely justified and honestly quite restrained initial tweet). Look at her, clutching her torn-off rags, she can barely even walk after all the abuse you people put her through for five years for no good reason. Next time, instead of crucifying the innocent just because it’s trendy, listen to Kpopalypse, kids. I know half of you don’t want to listen to me because I’m all rude and problematic and shit but I’m only rude because some of you cunts are so dumb.
#4 – HONG JIN YOUNG
While I definitely don’t like plastic surgery in general, sometimes I’ve just got to face facts and admit that it works on some people. Look at Hong Jin Young, I have no idea what she looked like before, but I’m pretty certain that however she looked before, this is an improvement. People are flocking over to Korea to get their faces mangled beyond recognition by surgeons for a reason.
People always say “but when they have kids they’re still going to inherit the ugliness” but I don’t see how that affects me. I have no delusions, all I’m going to do is fap in my room to Hong Jin Young singing trot songs while wearing tight clothing. She’s so “let’s cater to uncle fans” that it’s ridiculous, I bet she doesn’t have a single fanclub member under 40 or female.
#5 – PUER KIM
Puer Kim might have a bunch of boring jazz-wank music apart from the excellent “Maanyo Mash“, and recent videos of her doing anything at all are harder to find than a plot in a Russ Meyer video, but she scrapes through with enough activity for now to remain relevant enough for this list.
Thank fuck for that, because lovers of mature ladies with extreme curves such as myself are seldom catered to within the k-pop realm. My fap posts are really more for the consumption of my readers and their entertainment plus a bit of sly subversion, I actually blow a lot more loads to Hitomi Tanaka than anyone in k-pop.
#6 – EUNHA (GFRIEND)
At first I couldn’t tell Gfriend members apart at all, except for Umji who transcends this list completely because she’s Umji and nobody can realistically compete with that so it would be unfair to even include her here. However when Eunha first cut her hair short it certainly helped even though I was like “what the fuck are you doing girl, you just look fucking weird now, like srs”.
Then I realised gradually after about a year of her rocking the new look that the short hair was actually hotter on her, as it accentuated that “prim and proper” thing she’s got going. Eunha therefore enters the “born for short hair” category along with Eunjung. She looks like all the girls I liked at school who would spend lunchtime in the library studying because they didn’t realise for some reason that any report card except your final one means absolutely nothing for your uni grade or job prospects. They wouldn’t give me the time on their dainty wristwatches back then and Eunha probably wouldn’t either, and Eunha is hot precisely because she reminds me of the yearning in my loins that I experienced for those snooty library bitches back in the day.
#7 – QRI (T-ARA)
What the fuck even is Qri, really. How much of her is a living breathing human and how much is a machine created in Kim Kwang Soo’s laboratory of fap.
Who am I kidding – KKS isn’t tech savvy at all, he couldn’t run a laboratory, he struggles enough as it is to run a k-pop business. He’s one of those old guys that you see doing computer courses for people left behind by technology, where the instructor spends an entire hour telling you how to rename folders and drag windows around. He probably has never even found his employees’ porn even though the folders are sitting right there on his desktop in full view, because you have to double-click the folders to open them and his mouse finger doesn’t move that fast. So that means Qri isn’t a KKS creation but is just naturally beautiful, apart from the bits she got modified herself, which is probably all of them, but whatever.
#8 – IU
IU is one of those idols who just gets more attractive as she gets older. By the time she’s 45 she may hit #1 on this list if she’s still doing k-pop. Plus she wants to murder everyone, and girls who enjoy murder are hot.
Whenever I’m the last man standing in Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds (I’ve been playing the game for about three weeks now and it’s only happened twice so far) I always tell my girlfriend who is really happy for me. It probably reassures her that she can count on me to kill random pieces of shit who try to rob us for food and water if Adelaide ever turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, which it’s already pretty close to in many respects. I think IU would be similarly happy because every time I kill someone in that game, I make a nerd in Asia somewhere miserable (I play the Asian server because the idiots who wrote the game were dumb enough to make it third-person by default and haven’t rolled out the far superior first-person beta servers to Oceania yet), and if there’s one thing that IU hates more than anything it’s definitely her own nerdy fanbase who force her to do all that “innocent” shit. Imagine singing “Good Day” for the rest of your life. You’d be locking and loading soon enough.
#9 – HYOEUN (STELLAR)
A lot of people were moved by the story I dropped in last year’s bias list about when I dated Hyoeun so here’s some more info about it. Even though Hyoeun was super-cute, she definitely had the skankiest dreadlocks I’ve ever seen on anybody who wasn’t homeless or a “crust punk” (those weird anemic dudes who wear crappy denim and actually listen to Crass). She actually wove random objects into them, including a bus ticket. I couldn’t believe it when we were making out and I ran my fingers through her dreads and felt the all-too-familiar feel of bus ticket paper.
The weirdest thing of all though was that the bus trip was a “multitrip”, a type of bus ticket specific to Adelaide where you can get ten trips at a discount price. These “multitrips” were really popular before the multi-trip system was recently replaced with “metrocards” that are credit-card sized and store cash for bus travel electronically. Anyway this multitrip bus ticket woven into her head still had a few trips on it, she could have caught the fucking bus a few more times before accessorising with that shit. So anyway I asked the obvious question, but I can’t remember the response she gave, I think she just took her top off and she had great boobs so I didn’t give any fucks about a fucking bus ticket after that.
#10 – GAIN (BROWN EYED GIRLS)
Mental health issues, I don’t give a fuck. Just makes Gain more eligible as far as I’m concerned. Girls with mental health issues need love too – especially Gain, especially lately. She’s never looked better. Sure her music is still mostly nonsense but I don’t tend to have the sound up when I fap so it’s okay.
All girls are kinda crazy anyway. That’s because all guys are kinda stupid, and the guys’ stupidity is what makes the girls crazy. I think that if guys were to be a bit less stupid, then maybe the girls would start to be a bit less crazy, and then everyone on the planet would probably get along a little bit better, and we could have more classy-sexy Gain videos. I think that would be good for everyone. What a great idea for the world. I could run a country like America better than both that egotistic orange-haired Hitler and the soulless warmongering frost owl he was up against. Sure, I don’t have any qualifications, and that’s what makes me perfectly qualified – I haven’t been bought out by big business yet. Vote Kpopalypse 2020.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
#11 – Sunny – Girls’ Generation
She’s more and more plastic and dull these days, like like her group’s songs. Sunny had some quality chipmunk-face back in the day that is gradually vanishing. Boobs still correct and present however, and that goes a long way for Sunny.
#12 – Park Jimin – 15&
Needs more promotions, and more everything really. I guess JYP doesn’t share my love of chubbiness.
#13 – Yooa – Oh My Girl
Yooa will probably never get another concept again that suits her like “Closer” did. Oh well.
#14 – Chanmi – AOA
Now with Choa gone from the group, will Chanmi get some spotlight? Probably not, but while there are still bike sheds there is still Chanmi hotness.
#15 – Minkyung – Davichi
Still hot as ever but demoted for basically doing nothing. At least when Davichi were in MBK they had songs occasionally, even if over half of them were boring ballad crap.
#16 – KittiB
KittiB has also done nothing except a few brief guest spots so have this long-ass interview.
#17 – Ailee
Surely a contender for Hwasa’s “best thighs in k-pop” crown these days, Ailee’s weight gain means that she now meets required standards for top 20 Kpopalypse bias inclusion.
#18 – Yezi (Fiestar)
IU tries to look cheerful and happy but really hates you all and wants to kill you. Yezi tries to look like she hates you all and wants to kill you, but is really cheerful and happy. Both work!
#19 – Hyomin – T-ara
Apparently the other T-ara members say “Hyomin has the body that guys like”. Proof that T-ara is the smartest group in k-pop today.
#20 – Raina – After School/Orange Caramel
HERE YOU STAY, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BIAS LIST, UNTIL YOU LEARN.
That’s all for this completely pointless post! Hopefully you enjoyed it! Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!
Filed under: your mum Tagged: fap
