Strange as it may seem, I never specifically intended for Kpopalypse blog to become the almost vaguely semi-popular site that it is today – I actually just started blogging because I felt like it.  Of course, being slightly popular is certainly nice as well as flattering, and I definitely appreciate all my readers who are entertained/bemused/horrified/[fill in the blank] by the content of this site, but of course there’s a flipside – with a larger audience also comes a larger amount of highly entertaining butthurt.  However for each person who hates the content, someone else likes it, so how are different people interpreting the content here so differently?  Obviously I’m not going to change my writing style to accommodate anybody, but how wide is the gulf between what some people think is being said, and what is really being said?  I thought it would be interesting to explore the different ways that various people get buttblasted about Kpopalypse content.

As a k-pop blogger, my primary goal is to express myself fully about topics that are of interest to myself in a style that I personally find entertaining to write in.  Of course, not everybody else finds my writing equally entertaining to read.  As I deeply care about this issue, I thought I should run through a few of the main objections to the Kpopalypse writing style, so I’ve got something to link to people should they choose to complain about it in future.

OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE

It seems that some of you weak cunts don’t like swearing much and think that Kpopalypse blog would be just fine without all the fuckin’ offensive language all the time, and that it might help people take my serious topics a bit more seriously.  This objection almost always comes from people with limited experience of Australian culture, because Australians generally grasp and appreciate the high-profanity communication style – people from other countries, less so (depends a little on the country though).  As far as I can tell, objections on the grounds of offensive language is an issue with cultural difference.  Know that Australians do typically swear a fuckin’ lot, and that this is reflected in their speech and colloquialisms, as the introduction to this extremely accurate educational video demonstrates:

Australians tend to use insults affectionately quite frequently – the above insults as well as words like “cunt”, “slut”, “fuckwit” etc can have both negative and positive meanings depending on context.  Even more frequent than this is Australians using swearing neither negatively or positively, but simply as punctuation – most of the time when Australians swear it’s simply a way to colour the speech.  The following video contains positive, negative and neutral examples of swearing in typical Australian context.

Many years ago I spent time living in an international student residence, I was only of only three or four Australians living in a building of over 200 overseas students, mostly from various parts of Asia with a small selection from various other countries.  During this time, the other students were quite shocked by how much I swore – likewise, I was equally shocked by how little they swore.  In particular, I expected that the Americans would be swearing all the time, after all that’s all they ever seem to do in their movies and music – but the Americans I met at the residence almost never swore at all. I learned quickly that there was a wide cultural gap between the way Australians talked and the way people from other countries talked.  Only people from the UK and Europe seemed to swear as much as I did.

This cultural distinction is probably why I often get misinterpreted as “aggressive” or “angry”.  Honestly, when I’m writing this shit I’m usually sitting in my comfortable computer chair with a cold drink and my cat next to me, listening to fun k-pop songs and being all happy and shit.  I haven’t been in any fistfights for a good ten years and I’m probably one of the most laid-back, easygoing, non-aggressive people you’re ever likely (or unlikely) to meet.

Another thing to consider is that this blog started initially as an addendum to the Kpopalypse Radio Show.  On the radio show I’m not allowed to swear out of context because of broadcasting guidelines – i.e I can’t say “you’re a fucking cunt and you should go and fuck yourself” but I am allowed to say “this song is called ‘you’re a fucking cunt’ and the band is called ‘you should go and fuck yourself’, please now enjoy this track” because there’s a context for me to say those things.  Not being able to swear freely when I want to is kind of restricting though, so having a blog is a good way to be able to discuss things that would normally be brought up in the radio show, but in a more free manner without the language restrictions that would apply in that situation.

I hope that’s nice and clear for you fucking basic bitches out there, which brings us to the next point:

CONDESCENDING TONE, BEING ON A HIGH HORSE, OR WHATEVER

Some people seem to think that I’m condescending (which means “being talked down to like dumb cunt”) or on my high horse about something, or have a shitty tone or whatever.  Gosh, not sure where they get that idea.  Let’s hand it over to some opinionated folks on Reddit/kpop, commenting on various articles of mine:

This guy’s obviously being a dicksack troll, but there’s a point buried in this comment that’s worth addressing, which is: I don’t assume people know stuff about things when I write.  There’s a lot of shit that I don’t know, why should I assume other people know things?  I think that for me to assume others had knowledge would be presumptuous of me and in fact more rude than if I explain things from scratch.  For example, if I suddenly developed a keen interest in, say, fishing, that’s something that I know fuck-all about, I’ve never caught a fish in my life.  So if I were to read a quasi-educational blog post about it (in the style of my more educational articles) I wouldn’t want the author to assume that I had any prior knowledge at all, I’d want to be talked to as if I was a noob.  On the other hand, if I did know a thing or two, I wouldn’t take offence at being told any of the noob stuff, I’d just say to myself “clearly this chunk of information here is for the noobs so I’ll just skim-read that for the giggles and then focus more on the other stuff”.  If there was nothing in the article that I didn’t already know – then great!  I can read it purely for entertainment instead of education – and that’s why my educational articles have jokes in there and references to this and that, and aren’t totally dry with pure information and nothing else… so that way they can be read as something fun if you’re one of the folks who already knows how MR Removed works or how the industry sucks dick or whatever bullshit I’m raving on about this week.

Of course, some of the crazier k-pop fans have trouble thinking about it like that.  I think some folks are very heavily invested in the idea of “I know more stuff than others”, and perhaps have also heavily invested their time and energy into arguing in favour of something I’m deconstructing.  Say for example that you were someone billing yourself as an “expert in MR removed videos” and spent maybe a year or two commenting on every MR removed video you could find and assessing the vocal quality carefully.  Then a post like my one about how MR Removed is all crap comes along, written by some cunt like me with my trademark offensive language, and just to add injury to insult once you dig beneath all the shits, fucks and cunts there’s a whole bunch of actual correct stuff in the post about how you’ve just wasted 18 months of your life.  Denial is the first stage of grief, and it’s one that most people don’t get past, because people fear criticism and being shown to be wrong – when confronted with a truth that contradicts someone’s worldview, most people’s gut reaction is to cling to the lie even harder.  It’s got nothing to do with people being stupid or whatever either – more intelligent people actually are better at clinging onto lies because a more intelligent person is better able to rationalise their own beliefs and construct a counter-argument in the face of conflicting evidence.  That’s why most people never change their political persuasions during their lifetime (regardless of where in the political spectrum they sit)- if you’ve already invested years of your life in a certain way of looking at the world, the psychological resistance to admitting “hey, maybe I was wrong” is huge.  That’s the kind of barrier I hit with people all the time, and the easiest way for them to graciously save face in a situation and turn the heat elsewhere where the ideological rug is whisked out from under their feet is to say “ahem, well, er yes, I already knew this, surely everyone knows this, you’d be stupid not to know these things, right?  Right?  You’re just being condescending and talking down to me, stop that right away!”

But what if I AM being a cunt?  Here’s another comment from Reddit/kpop, slightly more valid and less trolly:

He thinks I’m the unpleasant one, gee – I hope no retarded dogs reading this took offence.  The same person, when then asked “be that as it may – what did you think of the article”:

I could indeed present my views in whatever some people think is “a respectable manner”, but fuck me, that would be boring as shit for me to write.  It would read like a University essay probably, I had enough of that crap back when I actually had to do University.  I think less people would want to slug through the text too, I don’t believe the assertion made here that I would get more positive reactions if I cleaned up my act a bit, I seem to have lots of nice folks willing to read my stuff and take it in the spirit in which it’s intended so if anything I’d probably lose readers if I started compromising the way I wanted to write for some crybabies who need a tampon change.  As far as persuading people goes… honestly I don’t care that much if people agree with me or not.  Sure, I guess it’s nice if they do, but the main aim of my blogging isn’t to make other people think as I do and/or develop some kind of weird cult of personality around my writing and opinions (even though I do like to have a little fun with that idea from time to time), the main aim of my blogging is to entertain myself by writing stuff that I enjoy writing, and perhaps also entertain others, if they so choose to be entertained.  That’s why I have that bit on the sidebar that says “all of it is primarily for my own personal amusement, although if you like it too, that’s fantastic and I love you”.  If you want to read my writing and have fun, do – if not, then don’t, simple.  Nobody’s paying me for this shit (or at least not yet, hurry up SM) so I’m not that concerned about being persuasive, popular or whatever.

Here’s another Reddit/kpop comment from some funster:

Every single time I do a worst-of-k-pop style list I always put up lengthy disclaimers along the lines of “this is just my opinion, and I don’t believe that my opinion is superior to anybody else’s, me being a music industry professional makes no difference at all because music is subjective, your opinions may differ and that’s fine, blah blah-de-fuckin’-blah” but I think next time I’ll skip all that shit because it’s clear from comments like this that no cunt ever reads any of it.  I’m sick of repeating it like a broken record anyway.  Even the articles that don’t have a disclaimer like that surely have enough of a satirical opinionated tone to them that people with two brain cells to rub together to produce a thought might figure out all on their lonesome that it’s just my opinion and I’m not trying to pass my opinions off as facts… or maybe people really are that stupid, and I need to talk down to them some more and be more condescending until they get it?  I guess then they’ll just turn around and say that I’m being condescending, in which case they’d be right – but I’m only condescending like that because stupid motherfuckers like the person who commented above are creatures that DO exist.  Guess I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t!

The people who are with me in spirit understand the correct tone which my articles should be read in, and they understand that even if I do sound condescending at times (generally for comic effect, or just to deliberately annoy commenters like the above) that I’m not talking down to them, but to the legions of dumb fucks out there, of which there are many.  It’s just true that there’s lots of dumbasses in the world, it’s not a big deal.  Everyone was dumb once, and plenty of people still are.  Why do you think so much stupid shit happens in the world?  So the moral of the story is this: if you read something I write that sounds like I’m having a go at some dumb cunts for being dumb, you can either take it as a personal attack (in which case you must be one of the dumb cunts that I’m addressing), or you could say “he’s not talking about me” and either laugh along with me, or ignore me and get on with your life.  Your choice.

I’ll still “brigade the sub” though, because why the fuck shouldn’t I?  In fact I did just this when an intrepid caonima reposted this very post to Reddit, upon which Redditors immediately complained that this post was not relevant and shouldn’t be on the site at all because it wasn’t kpop related, swiftly downvoting it to oblivion.  Never mind that it was Reddit/kpop related – Redditors were passionate and argued strongly in favour of the irrelevancy of their own content, because “them’s the rules”.  Like Fight Club, the first two rules of Reddit/kpop appear to be “do not discuss Reddit/kpop”.  No wonder the community there never improves.

TRYING TOO HARD, OR PRETENTIOUSNESS, OR OVERDOING IT OR WHATEVER THE FUCK

Let’s get back to that first comment again because it was so awesome:

Is Kpopalypse a “tryhard”, whatever that is?  I guess it depends on what that statement really means.  Taken literally, I do work pretty hard on writing long-ass blog posts when it comes to things like finding cool links and selecting images, conceptualising the posts, formatting, time committment, and so on, but the actual writing style isn’t something that I work on at all, writing the amount of utter shit that I do in the way that I do it is just something that comes naturally and always has.  If the writing style comes off as “tryhard” to somebody else, maybe it’s because they’re so fucking stupid that in order to write as articulately as my lame tossed-off blog thoughts, they would have to try quite hard?

Maybe that’s not it, maybe what they’re getting at instead is the whole idea of pretension and being someone else or whatever, but my writing style on this blog is quite true to my personality in terms of the thought processes inside my head, it all comes out fairly unedited and stream-of-consciousness if anything (just ask poor Asian Junkie who has to edit my long-winded tangent-filled ramble every so often into something resembling a sensible condensed article).  If I were to try and clean up my act a little (as the people whining about offensive language or condescending tone would want me to do) then THAT would actually be far more pretentious and trying a lot harder in both senses of the word.

What a sad world we live in these days where “trying too hard” is actually seen by so many people as a negative thing, and “tryhard” is actually considered to be an insult.  I actually enjoy putting effort into things and having the projects that I undertake come out the way that I want them to due to my hard work, I find that very satisfying. And although I don’t, if I were to adopt a persona in my writing that was pretentious or whatever, so what?  Whose business is it anyway?

Just like the crazies who still hate T-ara in 2015 when the rest of the world has moved on, my haters will never be happy no matter what I do, so there’s no point “trying hard” to please them, I might as well just continue to do whatever the fuck I want – and I will.  I’m also not trying very hard to defend myself here, this post probably has tons of logic holes in it but I really don’t care, I wrote it in between dinner and perving at Martina’s correct polka dot use, only because I’m putting off another much more involved post, and you didn’t pay me to write it (although perhaps you should).  But hey now I have a nifty post to link to people who bring out the same dumb arguments about my writing, so instead of burning up precious carbons telling them to go fuck themselves in a fresh paragraph every time I can just link this over and over – yay!

Yes, once again it’s back, as reliable as Sulli’s menstrual cycle!  Welcome to another edition of:

It’s time to take a look at some more nugus!

K-pop is typically musically regressive and conservative.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just how it is.  Companies running on tight profit margins are naturally extremely adverse to risk-taking, so most of the time they’ll go for what is previously shown to work well, rather than venturing off in a bold new direction.  However when everybody is conservative and starts doing exactly the same thing musically, it becomes hard to stick out amongst the crowd, so creeping in just a little unusual sound or unpredictability to make something stand out, but not too much so as to alienate audiences, is how k-pop typically edges its way forward to new musical places.  A good example of successful experimentation-by-increments would be “Red Light” from f(x), which combines a lot of known established k-pop sonics with an unusual rhythmic treatment more associated with other genres.  It’s not very experimental by the standards of “experimental music” generally speaking, but for a Korean pop song it’s about as far left-of-centre as the standard SM-style song format will allow.  Pop music wants above all to remain popular, so it evolves in small steps, not massive leaps.

However it’s not just the big labels that try to stick out.  Sometimes nugus will also get the “slightly different” treatment.  Maybe in the case of the below nugu videos it’s an intentional strategy, or maybe it’s the producers just being so idiosyncratic that they honestly didn’t think what they were doing would sound weird to someone else’s ears.  Whatever the case, this episode’s theme is k-pop songs that stuck out to me because of odd musical choices.  It was the sound of these songs that made me cluster them all together for your entertainment, so that’s what I’ll be focusing on.

The usual Nugu Alert rules apply:

• Less than 20,000 views
• Nobody outside Korea cares
• Well, nobody but Kpopalypse and avid nugu hunters, anyway

Let’s get it started!

ANDS – Oppa, Where Are You?

This group came to my attention again recently because someone linked to me their quite solid second single, but “Oppa, Where Are You?” was the group’s debut and damn it’s strange.  The weirdness of this song isn’t immediately apparent, at first it sounds like your average k-pop girl minor key electro thing.  Then at 1:06 the song does something really bizarre by kicking into the four-chords style chorus with a minor-to-major modulation that makes everything sound kind of odd as shit for a few seconds.  Then once your brain has finally adjusted to the new key, the oddness is then repeated when the chorus leaves at 1:21 and we’re back to minor key for the verse.  Without wanting to get heavily into the music theory detail of it (another post maybe), modulation from a minor key verse to a major key chorus is really common thing in pop music, but usually the songs modulate to the “relative key“, which means that the actual notes of the scale don’t change, just the starting point of the chords.  This gives the chorus a different mood to the verse but without actually changing the tonal structure, keeping everything nice and seamless.  “Oppa, Where Are You?” doesn’t do that however, it just goes “fuck it, we’re in a major key now, deal with it”.  Other examples in k-pop of this kind of “root modulation” are GLAM’s “I Like That” and H.A.M’s “TT Dance” which both sound just as teeth-clenchingly jarring when they enter the chorus as this song does.  It’s got that sudden sensory jolt like trying to smoothly shift from first gear straight to fifth gear in a manual car without changing through any of the gears in between.

YouTube views at time of writing: 9843

Notable attribute: Roly Poly In Copacabana 60s style school uniform cosplay in full effect for no apparent reason

Nugu Alert Rating: average

LIVE – Til I Die

Here’s me raving on like a dickhead giving my unwelcome worthless opinion on an Asian Junkie article about how I think everything except “Don’t Be Shy” on the new Primary album sucks balls:

It seems some of my pathological haters were reading this comment, and decided to take the next plane over to Korea and try and ruin hip-hop music for me even more, because “Til I Die” by the stupidly-titled LIVE from the excellently-titled DPRegime combines the aforementioned two things that I hate about modern rap music that I thought I’d never see anybody actually try to combine – soft pussy shit and SWIGSWEGSWAGitude.  I used to actually like smooth Fender Rhodes keys in rap music when groups like The Roots were doing it because at least they would usually put a solid beat behind it but these days beats have softened so much that as soon as I hear that rotary keyboard sound I know it’s almost always a one-way ticket straight to Snoozeville.  As the Rhodes sound is firmly the domain of smooth hip-hop balladeers in 2015 I never thought I’d hear that same sound feature strongly on a track with the typical cookie-cutter stuttery stodgy groove-less funk-less sixteenth-beat drum machine nonsense that typifies the trash that passes for “hard beats” in today’s decrepit hip-hop landscape.  So that’s something different I guess, certainly threw me for a curveball but damn it sure isn’t a good mix, this is Korean hip-hop’s vegemite chocolate.  Come back Primary, all is forgiven!

YouTube views at time of writing: 3646

Notable attribute: Sadly not a tribute to GG Allin or Bad News

Nugu Alert Rating: high

CO2 – Phone, Wallet, Keys, Tobacco

Sometimes I listen to producers who I know are really genuinely talented constantly churn out shitty songs lately, and I really start to wonder what the fuck’s actually going on.  When trying to answer that question to myself, I tend to imagine some guy sitting at the mixing console with really bad posture, totally spaced out on too many of Bom’s jelly snacks, just sort of lying there waving his arms about, semi-distracted by nothing in particular and just smiling and going “hey man wassup yo, I’m da bes producer maaaan”.  The video to this song perfectly represents the kind of mental image I have in my head when I think of the inner workings of the SWIGSWEGSWAG end of k-pop’s music machine, I’m pretty sure this video is trying to be a reenactment of the last two years of studio hustle over at some of the bigger k-pop labels.  Odd then that the song actually sounds like some kind of weird mumbly trip-hop thing, which while certainly dull and meandering is yet-unexplored territory for the most part in Korea and probably puts this in the top 10% of rap music released this year globally (rap being in that much of a sorry state lately).  I’m not sure if that’s a deliberate decision on his part to bring back trip-hop but I doubt it, I suspect that this guy just kind of fell into trip-hop by accident simply because he didn’t know how to write yoloswag, in the same way that the Ramones fell into punk by accident because they didn’t know how to make a pop record.  Hell, there’s a fair-to-good chance that he doesn’t even know what trip-hop is.  I’m also pretty sure that this guy is affiliated with GAPP somehow who was in the previous Nugu Alert and certainly is at least equally bizarre like the Korean version of Bangs so if these two are getting together there’s going to be some fucked up shit ensuing and I’m looking forward to it in a “let’s look up journalists being attacked by animals on the Internet” kind of way.

YouTube views at time of writing: 118

Notable attribute: He must really be drug-fucked if he needs to turn his leaving-the-house checklist into a song just so he doesn’t lose his shit anywhere

Nugu Alert Rating: extreme

That’s it for another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert, thanks for reading my trash!  More nugus will be forthcoming at a future date!

This post is all about looking at and celebrating some of the various Kpopalypse-related content created by Caonimas!

Some Caonimas have been sending postcards and letters – here they are!  Apologies if I left yours out.  These are not in chronological order but many have the dates on them anyway.

I like touring, but I don’t care where I go because I mainly just shop and eat at restaurants!  I’d like to go to Asia one day and see a T-ara concert because I’m sure as fuck that they’re not going to come here!

This one is referring to an accident I had in May 2015 where I was hit by van while cycling, and gets lots of bonus point for heavy Kpopalypse lexicon content.  I’m about 90% better now, thanks!

Australian beaches are dangerous – trufax.  Glad I could help with the whole fapping thing, remember to fap safe, everyone!

This collage work is totally amazing. Where can such amazingly Kpopalypse-relevant collage skills be found outside the Caonima fandom?

The Korean text is actually a message in English but just spelled using Korean characters, feel free to test your reading of Korean characters to decipher it (this post may help).

…there was green?

Ever wanted to know my frequency of answering ask.fm questions?  Check this handy graph from another anon which tells you exactly when your question has the greatest odds of being answered:

Here’s some video content from Youtuber Az5he6ch.  It was suggested that the “Quit Playing” MV by U-KISS would benefit from the removal of all the guys, leaving only the female eye candy, and I thought that this would be a good project for somebody to take on.  Az5he6ch responded to the call and produced this “meets required standards” version:

New Champ’s “Yahage” also got a similar treatment:

And let’s not forget his greatest work, Red Velvet’s “Penis“.

The YouTuber isaymyeolchigr not only has formidable list-making skills in his own right, he’s also done a compilation of the best asses from the Kpopalypse 2015 ass survey:

Ever wanted Kpopalypse best/worst/etc k-pop lists as a simple YouTube playlist that you can put on rather than a long-ass post?  Well, there’s tons of exactly this type of thing at this link here courtesy of Youtuber Phujitora T. Shou-meister, along with lists for some of the other bloggers at Anti Kpop-Fangirl and other places.

Did you know that some Kpopalypse posts have been translated into other languages by dedicated Caonimas with high determination levels to translate walls of text?  Here are all the ones that I’ve found so far:

• Like Money: Music Video Production Costs Explained (in Spanish by Budy – original here)
• Kpopalypse Interview – ex-Tahiti’s Sarah Wolfgang/Hanhee (in Italian by Ziodonato – original here)
• EXO Bullied Kris Out Of The Group: The Ironclad Evidence* – (in Russian by princexparadox – original here)
• “My Bias Is A True Artist, Like, OMG”: Music Songwriting And Production Credits Explained – (in Russian by Tora – original here)
• Chocolate Love – Marketing 101 For Deluded K-pop Fans – (in French by Blackactarus – original here)
• Bring The Girls Out: A Friendly And Informative Guide To Big Boobs In K-pop – (in Polish by Eriko – original here)

I’ll now leave you with this amazing painting of Raina from an anon, holding “Worship Raina, You Fucking Whores”, the Book of Rainaism:

Thank you sincerely to all Caonimas who have been in contact with creative pieces, gifts and other works of interest!  If you’ve done something relevant to this post, feel free to link me or send your piece and I may include it in the next episode of Caonima Creativity Corner!  Bye for now!

Okay, so it took me longer than an After School comeback, but here’s the third and absolutely definitely final chapter of Project Luhan!  The third part won’t make any sense if you’re not familiar with the first two parts, so for those new to this story or who need a refresher, click on the following links to catch up to this point in the story:

Part 1: Sasaeng Control: Project Luhan

Part 2: The Only Good Sasaeng…

For the rest of you, read on!

Several months pass in your cell.

Seeing the fate of prisoner #1063’s nose, you do your best to co-operate with the rules of Project Luhan.  It’s difficult, but you manage to at least keep a low enough profile to avoid being targetted for “selection” by visitors.  You’re not any less of a Luhan fangirl, you’ve just learned how to hide your sasaeng dreams of Luhan love as best you can.  You’ve even managed to befriend the SM Entertainment guard who patrols your cell corridor.  Well okay, “befriend” is perhaps too strong a word, you still have to obey his orders and you still can’t pass his weekly “sasaeng clearance test” to be released, but as you’ve become gradually better at concealing your fangirlism, he’s become less harsh on you.  You even know that his name is John.  A couple of times you’ve asked him what it’s like to be an SM guard, hoping that he might slip up and reveal a few details about Luhan’s whereabouts, but he always just replies with “I’m just a contractor, I go where the work is”.

It’s helped your cause a lot that while you’ve become sneakier and better at hiding your sasaeng nature, prisoner #1063 in the cell opposite yours has become more and more unhinged.  She’s attempted to escape several times, and each time she comes back to the cell her appearance is different.  She doesn’t talk much these days, especially not since after the most recent escape attempt when her lips started looking like Hyuna’s, but the distraction that she provides in the way of constant screaming and attacking the guards whenever they approach her has made your own behaviour look tame in comparison.

News about EXO filters into the camp through secret channels – mostly the prison’s black market in mobile phones, which provides a steady stream of news about the outside world.  One day you’re out in the exercise yard, watching some of the other prisoners play basketball, when one of your sasaeng friends prisoner #947 takes a concealed mobile phone out of her pocket and shows you something.

“Look, it’s a photo of our baby, Luhan!” she says to you.

You stare at the picture.  Luhan looks adorable as always…. but something’s wrong.  It takes you a couple minutes to figure out what it is, but eventually it dawns on you that you’re only looking at 11 members of EXO.

“What happened to Kris?  Is he sick?” you ask.

“Oh, he left the group… just the other day”, prisoner #947 replies, in a deadpan manner that all the prisoners use when discussing any EXO member that isn’t Luhan.

“Why?”

“Something about how he didn’t like being treated like an object.”

You scratch your head.  “That’s silly.  What is he even talking about?”

Prisoner #947 shrugs.  “No idea.  Who cares anyway… oh my god, look at Luhan’s hair, he’s so cute!”

You both forget about Kris and continue to spazz over some more contraband Luhan pictures together until the outdoors guards’ circular yard patrol route gets too close.

–

A few months later, you’re in your cell, lying in your bed, watching TV, just passing the early evening away until mealtime, and dreaming of freedom and Luhan.  The cell opposite you is empty – a few weeks ago prisoner #1063 tried to stab an SM Entertainment guard in the face using a collection of Luhan photocards that she spent two months bonding together like paper mache using her own spit as glue and then whittling down into the shape of a crude icepick.  Her attempt unsuccessful, the highly-trained guards quickly restrained her and took her away, you’re not sure where she is now. You silently fear the worst, but there’s nothing you can do about it, and even if the worst is true there’s always the positive side that at least that’s one less competitor for Luhan’s heart.

You start dozing off a little, and you reach over to adjust your TV volume down, a Girls’ Generation concert is being broadcast and the crowd at the concert are for some reason annoyingly loud.  You put the volume down to the minimum level, but the sound of the audience actually seems to get louder.  Grumbling in frustration, you turn the TV off completely… but the sound is still there, the loud, grating chants of young fans at the concert.  Gosh, that’s strange, how come the audio of the TV is still on and getting louder?  It takes a few seconds to realise that it’s not the TV making the noise at all, the noise is coming from elsewhere… but nowhere specific, it’s almost like it’s coming from all around you.

You sit up just in time to see a couple SM Entertainment guards burst through the door to the cell block.  They’re running really fast!  They run through the corridor separating your cell from the one on the other side of the room, and then just as quickly run out the exit door on the other side, not bothering to close the door behind them.  As the doors swing open, the noise of the fans becomes deafeningly loud, and a strong smell also enters the room, like someone has burned toast.  A group of a dozen prisoners rushes through the corridor, in the same direction as the guards.  They’re all screaming at the top of their lungs, a mixture of shouts – “we love Luhan”, “you can’t stop us” and a whole bunch of other stuff that you’re not really comprehending.  It gradually becomes clear through your drowsiness that the entire prison is rioting.

The prisoners rush off to chase the guards, but one of them turns back to look at you – it’s prisoner #947.  “Hey!  She’s still locked up!” she shouts to the others.  One of the other girls smashes a glass box on the wall of the corridor and pushes a button inside it – an emergency quick-release for the cells.  With a loud buzzing noise, your cell door as well as every other cell door in the block glides open electronically.  You quickly gather your small amount of possessions and join the other group of newly-freed girls as they scatter out into the exercise yard, where the entire prison population is throwing furniture, smashing windows, burning things and attempting to escape via climbing or dismantling the barbed-wire fences.

“What’s going on?” you ask.

“We’ve had enough, that’s what’s going on!  They can’t keep us away from Luhan any longer!”, screams prisoner #947 amidst the chaos.

One of the other prisoners gives you a mobile phone.  “Look”, she says.

A picture of EXO… without Luhan!  Your heart sinks deep into your chest as you hand the phone back to her.  “Where is Luhan?!?” you exclaim.

“I don’t know but I’m going to find out!  How dare they keep us in here and then get rid of him!” replies the girl as she and a large group of prisoners all push together on a section of barbed-wire fence, sending it toppling to the ground.  Instantly, Project Luhan’s vicious trained guard dogs on the other side of the fence spring into action, diving through the newly formed gap, straight on top of the group of girls, and begin savagely mauling their arms and legs.  You watch in horror as a large dog grabs prisoner #947’s leg in its jaws and begins twisting the limb back and forth, toppling her over and spraying blood all over the ground in front of you.

“Take this!” – prisoner #947 reaches into her pocket and hands you a tiny black bag, in between screams of agonising pain.

“What is in this?” you ask, not really looking at it carefully.

“Just go, get out of here!  I’m done for, but there’s not enough dogs to kill us all!  Run!”

You swiftly pocket the small bag, and make a break for it through the downed fence and into the nearby parkland.  You run and run, into the approaching dusk, not looking back.  Behind you, you can hear dogs barking, screaming, glass breaking and the occasional crack of a rifle, but amidst the chaos nobody follows you.

–

Six hours later, you arrive at your home, having successfully navigated back through Seoul at night on foot with little issue – you know the layout of the city well due to all the Internet Luhan stalking you do, so it wasn’t hard to get your bearings once you found a major road intersection.  You notice that your parents’ car is not in the driveway – even though it must be after midnight, they’re obviously not home.  With them no doubt presuming that their sasaeng daughter is locked up for the forseeable future, you figure they’re off having fun somewhere, probably having creepy parent-sex in a hotel on holiday or something, or maybe out at a concert listening to some worthless music that isn’t by EXO.  The camp rules said that everyone at Project Luhan was being detained with parental consent, so you know that they’re responsible and you’ll never forgive them.  You also know that you can’t stay here – eventually they’ll be back, and if they find you surely they will just whisk you off to some other concentration camp, or worse.

You don’t have the house key (Project Luhan confiscated it, you never got it back) so you walk around the side of your house, lift up the wooden window pane and climb into your bedroom.  You fumble for the light switch, and as the lights go on, you’re astonished – the room is pretty much exactly as you left it last time you were here.

Your parents have clearly barely even been in your room at all, it seems that they really don’t care about you.  You sit down on your bed (which is in the same unmade state you left it in months ago) turn on the TV and also switch on your laptop.  Immediately you search for news about Project Luhan, and it doesn’t take you long to find a news story.  You watch a TV clip that shows footage of the chaos from the point of view of a circling helicopter, billowing smoke and fires, fangirls running and spreading out in every direction, emergency services on the scene trying in vain to deal with the disaster.  The narration reels through the statistics: at the time of the rioting 573 fangirls were incarcerated at Project Luhan, SM Entertainment’s sasaeng detainment/intervention centre.  Fangirls started rioting, smashing windows and starting fires when news of Luhan leaving EXO filtered through the camp.  The narrator talks a bit about the difficulty of concealing sensitive information that could cause detainment centre riots in today’s technology age.  More statistics follow: 37 fangirls died at the scene from a combination of causes – building collapses, smoke inhalation, gunshot wounds, animal lacerations.  52 fangirls were injured during the riots and remain in custody, another 103 fangirls are unharmed but still detained.  The rest of the fangirls “remain unaccounted for”.  A list of names is unknown but forthcoming soon.  SM representatives declined to comment about speculations by reporters that the hastily-constructed facilities were “structurally unsafe and not fully equipped to withstand the brute force of fangirl insanity”.  You roll your eyes at the biased language.  The TV news report then cuts to an information piece: “How To Deal With An Approaching Fangirl”.  The information piece shows how fangirls looking for Luhan may be emotionaly traumatized and potentially capable of violence if not immediately appeased.  A re-enactment is shown where a middle-aged female “normal citizen” is approached by an EXO sasaeng wielding a small knife and asking for directions to Luhan.  The citizen says that she doesn’t know where he is, upon which the fangirl screams “if I kill you, I’m one step closer to Luhan!”.  The citizen produces an EXO lightstick, waves it around and throws it in one direction, then quickly sprints off in the opposite direction.  The fangirl notices the EXO lightstick and chases after it while the citizen makes her escape.  You gasp in astonishment – the information piece is really clever, that trick would totally work on you.  You make a mental note to be wary of this kind of distraction in future.

On your laptop you begin searching for what really matters – Luhan.  Where is he?  What is he doing?  You refuse to live with your parents after this, but there’s nowhere else for you to go, plus you’re now an escaped detainee and who knows what power SM have to drag you back into prison, so there’s clearly only one solution to your life’s problems, you must meet Luhan and marry him.  A few websites later and you learn that he’s now in China, and he plans to get into acting.  That settles it – you’re going to go to China, and find Luhan.

Your mind stats racing.  How to get to China?  You either need a lot of money, or someone very helpful.  You get up off your bed, exit your room and start looking around the house.  Maybe you could sell something in here to raise the money, after all your parents certainly deserve it – but there’s nothing obviously valuable around that you could sell quickly.  Then you remember something – sasaeng #947 gave you a small black bag.  You reach into your pocket and pull it out.

A small bag with a metal latch.  You open it up to find:

A Chinese passport.  You take a look inside it, the photo in there is of prisoner #947.  The passport isn’t stamped, clearly she was one step ahead of you and planning to enter China using this.  You wonder if the document is real or fake.  You’re thinking fake, as #947 doesn’t look particularly Chinese… which is just as well, as neither do you.  You squint at the photo and wonder if you’ll successfully pass as her when you present this document.

Three small stacks of Chinese money.  You’re not sure how much is there exactly, but it’s enough to make finances no barrier.

A small Luhan ring.  You immediately wear it.  It’s a little uncomfortable on your finger and digs into your flesh slightly, but it has Luhan’s name on it, so you’ll put up with it.

…and a tiny block of some squishy pink plasticine dough.  Or maybe it’s soap or clay, you’re not sure.  Puzzled about why this would be in the bag, you take it out and leave it on your bed.  You put everything else back in the Luhan bag (except the ring, which stays on your finger), quickly gather up as much spare clothes as you can fit into a suitcase as well as your laptop and charger, and leave the house the way you came, through the bedroom window.  After a six-hour walk to get home, you’re reluctant to walk even more, but after your last experience catching a taxi you’re paranoid of them now, and the walk to the airport isn’t that far.  “China and Luhan here we come – it’s all or nothing”, you think to yourself.

–

Getting into China turned out to be surprisingly uneventful, although you figure most things would seem that way after what you just survived.  After touchdown, Chinese customs only gave your passport and luggage the most cursory of glances, waving you through the security checkpoint quickly, which was a great relief.  The only hiccup was when an airport security guard started asking questions about why someone so young was travelling alone.  You told the man that you’re meeting your parents at baggage check and he left you alone after that.  Then you went straight to the nearest hotel to get some rest and a much-needed sleep that you’ve just woken up from.

You’re sitting on the bed in your hotel room, cruising news sites on your laptop on the hotel’s free wi-fi, looking for news of Luhan and also news of last night’s incident.  You end up finding both in one article, a news piece which mentions the “Korean fangirl tragedy” and cautions Chinese citizens to look out for Korean fangirls who may be entering China to locate Luhan.  The article goes on to report that the fangirls are very dangerous and that there’s been quite a lot of fangirl-on-fangirl violence since the prison riot, but doesn’t go into any details as to why.  A list of all the so-far-unaccounted fangirls is part of the article, you can see your name on it as well as hundreds of others, some of whom you know.  Girls who are wanted for questioning in connection with crimes are highlighted, there are about thirty girls who are marked out, and you are one of them.  Each person has the crime they are wanted in connection with mentioned, most say “arson” but the text beside your name says you are being sought after for information relating to a “house explosion”.  You don’t know anything about any house explosion, the only explosions you saw were at the Project Luhan prison, and even those were more steadily-burning fires rather than things blowing up.  You figure it’s just lies to get you to report to the police so they can detain you again, and you quickly forget about your name in the article, because something far more interesting catches your eye:

The article goes on to mention that Luhan’s currently in Beijing shooting a feature film!  Normally you’d cringe at the use of a serious article about human tragedy to cross-promote an artist’s promotions, but in this case it’s going to help you find Luhan, and you normally turn a blind eye to any dodgy media behaviour when Luhan’s involved in any case.. plus the bad part of the article is partly about you, so all the better to distract people.  The article says that the film is being helmed by CJE&M Entertainment so you look up where their office are in Beijing, and also how to get there by public transport.  Noticing that it’s on the other side of the city and a bus leaves soon, you gather your things and sprint out the door.

A few minutes later, you’re arrived at the bus stop.  You’re just about to reach the bus shelter when you trip over your own legs and fall over onto the concrete.  All that time in Project Luhan certainly didn’t get you used to running around!  You look over at your feet and notice that your shoe is untied, so you pause for a moment to catch your breath and then reach over to your shoelaces, when you suddenly hear a loud banging noise and a crash.  You look up just in time to see a car speed off.  The rear passenger window is rolled down and a young girl who looks about your age stares at you as she vanishes down the road, she’s waving her arms out the window, she seems angry.  A bystander comes up to you, an older woman.

“Are you alright?” she asks, staring down art you.

“Yeah, I’m okay, I just fell over.”  You start dusting off your knees and gradually stand up.

“That woman tried to shoot you!  You should call the police!” she exclaims.  You look up at the bus shelter, and notice that the glass is cracked, with a small hole in the middle.  A shiver runs through your body as you realise that she’s right, and that your accidental fall probably made you a harder target and saved you from a bullet wound.

“I… don’t have a phone”, you reply, in shock and not really knowing what else to say.  It’s not a lie, your phone was confiscated when you entered Project Luhan and none of the contraband phones you acquired during your stay survived the escape.

The older lady gets her own phone out and starts dialing, slowly.  In the meantime you notice that the bus is pulling up.  You quickly get on and pay your fare.

“You can’t leave!  Bus driver, someone shot at her!” the old lady yells at you from the pavement as you look around for the first vacant seat.

The bus driver looks at you.  “Ignore her, she’s insane, just some crazy old lady”, you quickly say to him, trying to be as calm about it as possible so you look sane and she looks nuts.  It works – the bus driver nods, shutting the door and speeding off, as you grab a seat next to a girl about your age.

You spend the next few minutes catching your breath and looking out the window, noting the surroundings and trying to work out how close you’re getting to the CJE&M building, where Luhan presumably is right now, or if not, maybe someone who can lead you to Luhan.  You start thinking about Luhan, and how you’ll meet soon, and you start humming the intro for EXO’s “Mama” in your head.  You think about how “Mama” is probably the best song in the world by anyone ever, apart from EXO’s other songs which are all equally good.  You’re sure that their music will be rubbish now that Luhan is gone though, it won’t have that special Luhan magic.  Your thoughts are interrupted by a tap on the shoulder, it’s the girl next to you.

“EXO-L?” she asks you.

You nod.  She looks maybe a year younger than you, the girl stares at you intently, not breaking eye contact or even blinking.

“Luhan fan?”

You nod again.  The girl stares at you for a few more seconds, and then resumes ignoring you.  You breathe a sigh of relief, and return to looking out the window, when all of a sudden, you see the CJE&M logo on the side of a building and let out a small involuntary scream which makes the rest of the bus stare at you.  This must be the place!

You press the buzzer to be let off, the bus driver pulls up abruptly and you charge outside into the street as fast as you’re able.  You start running towards the building but you feel something stopping your legs from moving… that girl from the bus has followed you and has attached herself to your right leg.

“You’re not going to see Luhan!  Luhan is MINE!” she screams, digging into your shin with her fingernails and making you stumble.  You try to kick her away but she just tightens her grip, drawing blood, the pain is excruciating.  Thinking quickly, you remember the TV show you watched in your bedroom back in Korea.  You grab the small black bag out of her pocket and hold it in front of her face so she can see it clearly.

“Oh my god, it’s got his name on it!  Give it!  Give it now!” she squeals.

You throw the bag across the street where it lands in the traffic median strip.  The girl lets go of your leg and instantly runs across the street to collect the bag, right in front of the oncoming traffic.  The sound of squealing brakes and a sickening metal crunch follows as the girl is knocked over onto the road by a concrete-mixing truck, which then is rear ended by the car behind it who didn’t expect the sudden stop.  The force of the car hitting the concrete truck from the rear pushes the truck forward another few feet, with the front wheel rolling right on top of the girl’s arm – she screams loudly as she is pinned.  All traffic now halted, you quickly run over to the median strip, pick up the black bag and scoot off in the direction of the CJE&M building, ignoring the screams of the girl.  You think about how it’s just as well you recovered the bag, it’s got your passport and money in there – not that you’ll need either once you meet Luhan, because he’ll fall madly in love with you and take care of everything.

The automated sliding glass doors part and you enter the foyer of the CJE&M building.  You look around, the foyer is covered in blood and wood splinters.  There are about six young girls here, all dead, lying around on random parts of the foyer floor.  One of the girls is completely missing a leg and lies in a large pool of blood, the others have various torso and limb wounds which you try not to look at closely, although it’s hard not to stare.  They’re all holding weapons: pistols, knives, machetes, there’s also a large amount of bullet holes in the wooden veneer wall behind the reception desk.  You walk carefully up to the reception desk, and notice that the receptionist is slumped back in her chair, also dead, with what looks like multiple gunshot wounds.

There was obviously a large fight here, you can only guess from what you’ve experienced so far that the girls were fighting each other to be the one to see Luhan. You think about how you hadn’t expected this level of danger, and that you’d better be prepared.  You scout the foyer and grab the most dangerous, menacing-looking weapon that you can figure out how to use – a large machete.  You wipe the blood off the blade onto one of the foyer pot plants, and wave the machete around a couple times in the air.  How hard can it be to use this?  Surely not very.  You feel slightly more secure as you walk over to the lifts and hit the button to call a lift to the ground floor.

The lift arrives and the doors slide open.  The inside of the lift is covered in blood spatters.  There’s a girl inside, about your age, crouching in the corner, obviously very afraid.  She sees you and instantly puts her hands up.

“I don’t want to see Luhan!  I just happen to be here!  Please let me live!” she pleads.

You point the machete at her, but also slowly back away, allowing her to escape the lift, and motion with your head for her to get out.  You don’t want to kill her (or anybody), but you also don’t trust her (or anybody – except Luhan) – you just want her out of the way, so she’s not between you and Luhan, trying to be first.  If she wants to leave, so be it – one less obstacle to your happiness.

“Thank you, thank you!” she pants, as she gets up and runs across the foyer and out of the building.  You notice as she runs away from you that she is wearing an EXO backpack.  What a liar, she was clearly here to meet Luhan, why else would she be here.  Oh well, she’s out of your hair now.

The lift doors start automatically closing so you punch the button to re-open them and step inside.  You look at the lift buttons, and sigh.  It’s not a conventional lift control, but a security keypad.

What to type in?  You press some random numbers and after four numbers are displayed, a beep sounds and nothing happens.  You start thinking that maybe it’s better to take the stairs, when you punch in Luhan’s birthdate “2004” (2oth April) and the lift comes to life.  So obvious.

A few floors up and the lift makes a bell sound and the doors slide open.  You gasp in astonishment as you see Luhan staring right at you, waiting in the lift bay!  He’s been expecting you!

You drop the machete and charge up to Luhan, wrapping your arms around him, giving him a hug.  Luhan immediately falls over with you on top of him, like there’s no weight to him at all.  Then you realise that this isn’t just an illusion created by poor idol diet, there in fact is no weight to him at all, he is paper thin.  You’ve just hugged and toppled over not the real Luhan but a life-size cardboard cutout.  You’d be happy to see a cardboard Luhan cutout in any other circumstance apart from this one.  You start crying.

“Freeze!” yells a voice.  You turn to your left where the voice is coming from, there’s a group of police officers forming a row across the lift bay.  They are wearing riot helmets and transparent plastic shields, and pointing weapons at you.

“Where’s Luhan?” you whimper at them, tears in your eyes.

You feel a heavy impact as something lodges in your stomach – one of the police has fired something at you.  You look down and see something that looks like a cross between a dart and a syringe sticking out of your abdomen.  The syringe injects a green fluid into your torso, and you quickly fall asleep on the floor, on top of cardboard Luhan, together at last.

–

You wake up.  You look around, you’re in a small room, lying on a single bed.  One wall is made completely of bars, with a barred and locked door.  You also notice a toilet seat in the far corner.  That’s odd, why is there a toilet in the bedroom… then it occurs to you that you’re actually in a cell of some kind.  You start to wonder why… but then you realise, you know why.  There is a poster above your head, which looks like this:

Can it be real?  Are you dreaming, or are you back in Project Luhan?  Didn’t Project Luhan burn down? The poster looks quite torn and ratty, but the wall it’s stuck to is freshly painted.  You look across from your cell.  Prisoner #1063 is there, muttering to herself, she seems the same as ever although her eyebrows look a little different to before.  You scan your surroundings – the cells also look different, they don’t look exactly like the ones you were in for all those months, the walls are a different colour, the paint is fresher, the beds and toilet pans are in different positions to before, the layout of the cell block isn’t quite the same.

You hear footsteps approaching, a security guard.  It’s John, the familiar guard from Project Luhan… but his uniform is different, it’s a different colour and now carries the CJE&M logo.  He looks at you, a look of recognition.

“Just coming to clean your cells”, he says.

“Where am I?  What happened?” you ask.

“I’m just a contractor, I go where the work is”, he replies.

Have you ever wondered what the fuck music reviewers are talking about when they discuss music genres in k-pop?  When is a piece of music one genre and not another?  Are these writers and journalists just pulling these music terms out of their ass or what?  It seems that many of you in fact wonder a lot about different music genres because I get questions all the time about it.  Of course, you could look the answers up on Wikipedia if you wanted, but what Wikipedia won’t give you is the k-pop connection and k-pop music examples.  That’s where Kpopalypse comes in!  If you’ve ever wondered about how to tell your pop from your rock, your ska from your reggae and your hip from your hop, then this is the post for you!

Before we get into all those funny music genre terms, let’s cover some super-basic music theory bits and pieces.  I’m not writing a whole technical-ass thesis here on this part, this is just the basic points that you need to know to make sense of what comes later.  I’ll do my best to write this in non-technical-up-the-ass language that should be easily understood by any drooling Hani-fancam-watching k-pop fapper.

Modern popular music (or “pop” music, in short) generally comprises four basic elements:

1. Melody – usually what’s being sung by the lead singer, the bit that goes over the top of everything else and sticks in your head.  Or maybe it goes under everything else, if the singer is a male with a sexy low voice like Barry White or T.O.P.  In pop music the singer carries the melody most of the time, except during a solo or lead break where another instrument may carry the melody temporarily.  Melodies are built out of scales, the most common types of scales are major (happy-sounding) and minor (sad-sounding), but there are also others.  Scales are like roadmaps that give you the correct notes to play or sing to get certain types of melodies with certain moods and feelings.
2. Harmony – the other notes that fill the background behind what the lead singer does.  Whenever more than one note is played at one time, this is called a chord.  Three-note chords form the basis of most pop song harmony.  Chords are also built out of the same scales as melodies, and therefore can also be major (happy-sounding) or minor (sad-sounding), or something else.  Chords can be played by any instrument capable of playing more than one note simultaneously, or alternatively by groups of instruments or singers playing all the different notes together at once, which is called harmonising or a harmony part.  A choir is an example of harmony singing.  In this post, major chords will be represented by capital Roman numerals, and minor chords by lower case Roman numerals.
3. Rhythm – the part that you tap your foot to, also known as the beat.  Most modern pop music has four beats to each bar (the bar is the regular divide which is marked off when the rhythmic pattern repeats) and the beat can be fast or slow.  Beat speed is measured in BPM – beats per minute.  A typical uptempo dance-oriented k-pop song is usually about 130 BPM, but downtempo styles can have the beats going much slower than this!  The purpose of drums and drum machines in pop songs is to give emphasis to the beat, but other instruments and even vocals can also emphasise (or de-emphasise) the beat depending on how they’re used.  It is possible to play a rhythm on the beat, and also to play off-beat (between the beats), or even syncopated rhythm (a mixture of on-beat and off-beat).
4. Texture – the tonal characteristics of the sound of whatever voice or instrument is being used to play the piece.  Every instrument and voice has its own texture or tonal quality, and pieces of music sound very different on one instrument versus another.  Texture also changes not just by virtue of the voice or instrument itself, but also depending on how an instrument is recorded.

With a few exceptions, most genre differences are a matter of differences in texture and rhythm.

The following is not a complete list of every music genre, just the ones that k-pop borrows from the most.  Which is a lot of them, as k-pop is a copyist form that borrows from whatever it can!  Some of the integrations of various styles are very subtle, others are very overt and obvious.  Not all of them are self-conscious!  The year designations and some of the descriptions of things are also fairly approximate so try not to fag about them, thank you. In fact large portions of this post could even be complete bullshit so maybe don’t use this post as a reference for your music thesis or whatever.  Just saying.

Medieval – the “classical” music style from about 400 AD to 1400 AD.  The first music notation of melody and rhythm appeared during this period.

EXO – Mama – the main hook of this song borrows (loosely) from Gregorian chant, a medieval vocal style which was either monophonic or moved in fixed rigid intervals.

Renaissance – the “classical” music style from about 1400 to 1600.  During this time the first practice of melodic counterpoint came into being – two melodies juxtaposed with sympathetic intervals, some dissonant (“bad sounding”) and some consonant (“good sounding”).  In this style “bad” intervals were permissible as long as they were “resolved” to good intervals.  This practice of building tension with a bad interval before resolving it to a nicer sounding one was called a “suspension”.  Later this practice evolved into chords, hence the “suspended chord”.

F-ve Dolls – Can You Love Me? – suspensions and resolutions in melodic counterpoint style can be heard in several moments during the song, most noticeably in the chorus where the main vocal melody harmonises against a violin melody underneath it, but also in other sections.

Baroque – the “classical” music style from about 1600 to 1750.  The first norms of western harmony were standardised around this time, so music from this era tends to be exceptionally melodic and harmonious, in other words, there is little “dissonance” or harshness to the sound.  Also the first bust-enhancing garments happened at around this time.

Hello Venus – Would You Stay For Tea? – the majority of this song’s harmony is completely based on Baroque piece “Canon In D” by Johann Pachelbel.

Romantic – the “classical” music style from about 1830 to 1910.  During this period orchestras became bigger, and improvements in instrument technology allowed for greater volume and deeper bass.  This style is characterised by extreme dynamic contrast between loud and soft sections.

IU – Cruel Fairy Tale – the heavily orchestrated sound and wide dynamics in use here are fairly obviously influenced by Romantic period orchestral music.

Flamenco – a acoustic guitar-driven music style originating from Spain, featuring fast fingerpicking, subtle vibrato and strong rhythmic flourishes.

The Seeya – The Song Of Love – flamenco guitar style adapted to k-pop.

Blues – a folk music form which evolved from the chants of slaves in the southern states of the USA, along with other styles such as gospel and jazz.  Blues is characterised by the use of a scale that is neither strictly major nor minor, boredom, and harmonic rules which blur the line between major and minor tonality.  Almost all blues songs have the same chord progression (I-IV-I-V-IV-I over 12 bars, the “12-bar blues”), with only slight variations.

Lee Hi – It’s Over – although a far cry from the original blues in terms of k-pop’s typical hi-production gloss, “It’s Over” conforms to all the stylistic elements of blues in terms of melody and harmony, and the song follows the traditional 12-bar blues chord progression exactly.

Gypsy Jazz/Hot Club Jazz – a European jazz style from the 1930s, characterised by complex chords, light rhythms and fast guitar playing.  “Jazz” sounds a bit like “jizz” and this is not coincidental as most jazz is basically just people jerking off in other people’s faces.

IU – Love Of B – this song is completely 100% in the Gypsy Jazz style, a deliberate soundalike complete with guitar solos reminiscent of Gypsy Jazz pioneer Django Rinehardt.

Swing – jazz played with a “big band” featuring a strong rhythm and large brass and woodwind sections.  Popular from the 1930s to the 1950s.  “Swing”, like “jazz”, is also a euphemism because swing bands had a lot of members and they would swap partners and fuck each other randomly a lot (remember AIDS wasn’t a thing back then), hence the term “swinger” for someone with multiple sexual partners.  I’m probably not making this up.

IU – The Red Shoes – IU again!  Rest assured this isn’t the last time k-pop’s biggest genre chameleon will appear in this list.

Bebop – a jazz style characterised by faster tempos, complex chords and improvisation.  Unlike previous jazz styles, bebop was designed to be listened to rather than danced to, hence the rhythms and tempos are often highly-syncopated, fast and not “dance-friendly” or even “listener-friendly”.

TVXQ – Something – from 3:28 this song has a “bebop breakdown”.  Better than dubstep I guess.

Bossanova – a style of jazz music originating from Brazil which combines smooth jazz chords and melodies with the Brazilian Samba rhythm.

IU – Obliviate – hello IU, genre-shopping again I see.  I wonder if IU’s formidable bedroom antics are accompanied by this sort of music.

R&B – stands for “Rhythm and Blues”.  A dog-whistle genre term if ever there was one: R&B songs were originally called “race records” and the term really just meant “pop music sung by black people instead of white people”.  If you’re thinking “gosh now that seems a bit racist”, you’d be correct!  After World War II racism gradually fell out of favour in the West so the term “race records” wasn’t considered appropriate and was replaced with the friendlier-sounding “R&B” which gradually took on a stylistic character of its own.  Contemporary R&B (Beyonce, Whitney Houston) sounds quite different to the R&B of the mid-20th century, and R&B doesn’t have to be specifically performed by black people anymore, but what R&B of all types shares is blues/gospel-influenced vocal style and melodies.

Spica – You Don’t Love Me – a conscious attempt to rework the R&B style of the 1960s.

Ailee – U&I – an example of a more contemporary R&B sound.

Doo-wop –  a popular music style of the 1950s featuring groups of vocalists who would harmonise chords closely, the earliest form of “boy group/girl group pop”.  Almost all doo-wop songs use the same chord progression (I-vi-IV-V).

Secret – Shy Boy – this song borrows much of the sonics of the doo-wop style (as well as the fashions of the period in the music video), although the chord progression used is actually the contemporary pop “four chords” progression of I-V-vi-IV.

LaBoum – Sugar Sugar – this song uses the traditional doo-wop I-vi-IV-V progression (with an extra I at the end of each chord rotation) and is sonically a little closer to the doo-wop style as a result, but the rhythms are however closer to 1960s usage.

Rock – although originating in the 1950s as a louder, faster version of the blues with artists like Chuck Berry and Elvis Presley, rock music (originally called “Rock & Roll”, another euphemism, this time a reference to “rocking and rolling” beneath the sheets) became a true genre unto itself in the 1960s with the advent of The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and countless similar groups who pushed rock further and further away from its 12-bar blues roots.

Jaurim – Deviation – I think we all know what rock sounds like, this is just a heads-up that Jaurim exists, and this song has a bit of a 60s rock flavour.

Yery Band – Snow Love – Did you know that this song exists?  Now you do.

Ska – a popular music form originating in Jamaica, with heavy emphasis on fast off-beat rhythms.

Sunny Hill – Midnight Circus – a soundalike not of the original Jamaican ska but of the English pop-ska group Madness.

Kingston Rudieska & Dr. Ring Ring – Discovery Of Life – a Korean group imitating the original ska sound much more closely.

Soul – similar to “R&B”, “Soul” as a genre term is highly ambiguous, and the two genre terms are often used interchangeably.

Wonder Girls – Nobody – a copy of the 1960s “Motown sound” (complete with visual styling to match), a soul sub-genre popularised most famously by The Supremes.

Funk – a fast, danceable hybrid of rock and R&B/soul music that originated in the late 1960s, with instruments played in syncopated 16-beat patterns (each of the four beats in the bar divided into four smaller beats, creating 16 subdivisions of a bar).  The word “funk” comes from a way to describe odours, a “funky” smell is one you might have if you haven’t washed your ass correct after a round of ass-fucking in the sexually liberated late 1960s.

Primary ft. Lena Park – Hello – all the elements of funk are present in this song with the exception of syncopated drums.

Apink – Nonono – funk guitar style is used here in the intro but vanishes once the song proper kicks in.

CNBlue – Hey You – funk guitar again in the verses, but not the choruses.

Reggae – Jamaican Ska eventually evolved into Rocksteady, and then later into Reggae, with the beats getting more languid each step of the way.  Reggae is Ska’s laid-back dope-smoking granddaughter, with Ska’s traditional off-beat rhythms usually slowed down to approximately half-speed.

2NE1 – Falling In Love – this electronic pop-reggae hybrid still has the most important element of reggae intact – slower offbeat rhythms.

Skull – Because I Was Selfish – a more traditional reggae sound.

Metal – certain exponents of rock music became loud and intense enough to qualify as a completely different genre by about 1970.  Metal also borrowed some of the forms of classical music – high dynamic contrast, virtuoso playing, and pedal-point harmony (where one harmonic element remains constant while others revolve around it).  Metal shares a few elements in common with jazz, most notably the heavy emphasis on playing technique, and the huge proliferation of subgenres.

KARA – Wanna – pedal-point harmony and metal riffing is scattered all over this pure pop song.

Crash – Crashday – actual Korean metal in a more pure form, for contrast.

Disco – disco style took funk’s fast rhythms but played down the syncopation and played up the four-on-the-floor dance grooves, first using guitars and acoustic drums and later with the help of drum machines and synthesised bass frequencies.

T-ara – Roly Poly – heavily inspired by Saturday Night Fever and The Bee Gees’ disco period, “Roly Poly” probably will never be topped as the ultimate k-pop disco statement, musically or aesthetically.

Punk – ideologically it may have been a statement against 1970s progressive rock, but musically Punk ultimately emerged as the bastard child of pop and metal, favouring the same overdriven sound but major-key instead of minor-key tonality, catchy singable choruses and simpler guitar work.  The word “punk” is a prison term that comes from someone in jail who was used by other prisoners for anal sex, and correspondingly a lot of the early punk singers sounded like they were getting anally reamed while singing.

Girls’ Generation – Way To Go – about as sugary as pop-punk gets, with layers of keyboard and vocals softening the sound.

The Geeks – Defining Moments – an example of contemporary Korean punk with few pop concessions, for contrast.

Dub Reggae – Jamaican Reggae DJs remixed the original reggae tracks, adding tape loops, echo effects, filters and equalisation, creating a whole new style in the process, one of the first truly electronic music genres.

Primary ft. Choa, Iron – Don’t Be Shy – a very faithful recreation of the dub reggae sound.

Electronica – completely electronically-generated music without any acoustic instruments existed in the art-music realm since the Musique Concrete movement of the 1940s, but it was German group Kraftwerk who gave computer-driven noises their first true pop-cultural relevancy over 30 years later by combining machine sound with danceable rhythms and a curious pop aesthetic.

After School – Shh – the off-kilter syncopation and filtered keyboard textures used here are highly reminiscent of the early electronica sound.

Industrial – one of the first post-punk styles, Industrial music incorporated drums, tape loops, machines and whatever the hell else it wanted to create a no-rules genre that was rebellious and harsh in all the ways that punk wasn’t.

T-ara – Yayaya – whenever k-pop veers towards an industrial sound it’s probably always by accident.  I’m pretty sure E-Tribe weren’t trying to turn T-ara into the next SPK or Psychic TV but this random venture into chaotic noise got closer than anyone else in k-pop regardless.

B-Free, Playstar, Sway D – Kawasaki – this is trying to be trap of course, but these guys will probably never know how close they got sonically to Throbbing Gristle’s seminal burns-victim anthem “Hamburger Lady“.

New Wave – as the first punk explosion swiftly petered out, punk rock sterilised its own safety pins and integrated its strong melodic sensibilites and occasional snark into pop music, creating a synthesiser-driven pop style full of melody and attitude.

UV with JYP – Itaewon Freedom – very consciously emulating the early 80s New Wave pop sound.

Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby – a soundalike of Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams“.

IU & Fiestar – Sea Of Moonlight – a soundalike of a-ha’s “Take On Me“.

Rap – conceived in Jamaica but born in Brooklyn, rap music’s vast influence on k-pop would take too long to cover here and is worthy of an entire post all its own.  Here’s one that I prepared earlier.

Epik High – Born Hater – you all know what rap sounds like but here’s an example anyway, just because.

T-ara – For You – just a reminder that no k-pop song is too sweet, soft or sensitive that it can’t have a rap section included.

Hi-NRG – conceived in the late 70s but popularised in the 80s most notably by English production team Stock, Aitken and Waterman, Hi-NRG is an upbeat pop style influenced by New Wave as well as disco and funk, featuring ostinato (wide melodic interval) synthesised basslines and drum machines plus often heavily processed vocals, making it one of the most direct harbingers of the modern k-pop style.

Orange Caramel – Magic Girl – the ultimate realisation of Hi-NRG in k-pop, “Magic Girl” borrows heavily from several English Hi-NRG pop hits.

Orange Caramel – Shanghai Romance – in fact that’s just about all Orange Caramel ever do, at least on their feature tracks.

Crayon Pop – Saturday Night – many elements of the 80’s Hi-NRG sound are also present here.

Glam rock – starting in the 70s but hitting market traction in the 80s, glam rock was the most pop-influenced end of metal, a huge commercial phenomenon and stars of the genre captured the hearts of fangirls as much as any k-pop idol.

H.A.M – TT Dance – glam rock in the verses, pure pop in the choruses.

New Jack Swing – a pop style that emerged in the late 8os and combined smooth harmony vocals with energetic, highly syncopated beats.

BTOB – WOW – a very faithful interpretation of the new jack swing style.

Girls’ Generation – The Boys – Teddy Riley produced this track and was also the main producer in the US that spearheaded the New Jack Swing style.  Traces of the style’s sonic choices can be heard in this song, even though the actual rhythm is not normally one used in New Jack Swing.

Dance-pop – the “idol pop” of the west that also emerged in the 80s, less syncopated than New Jack Swing and more organic sounding than Hi-NRG, but influenced by both.  Highly influential on k-pop, most k-pop groups have at least one song that fits this category.

Apink – LUV – a direct iteration of the late 80s/early 90s female dance-pop sound.

P-funk – stands for “Parliament/Funkadelic”, a funk group who played a style with squared-off drums, electronically-modified bass and high-pitched synthesiser melodies carrying the hook.  The style became popular in rap music in the early 90s as an easily-created alternative to sampling other people’s beats before gradually transitioning into other popular western music.

Hyosung – Into You – a soundalike of Spice Girls’ “Say You’ll Be There“, a pop song heavily influenced by the P-funk sound.

Nu-Metal – a metal subgenre which attempted to combine rap vocal style and beats with metal riffing and sonics.

B.A.P – Power – a fairly accurate recreation of the nu-metal style.

Electro – a deliberately retro pop style that revisited many 80s sounds, most notably gated drum machines and heavy synthesisers, but now combined with modern production and songwriting sensibilities.

T-ara – Like The First Time – a soundalike of La Roux’ “In For The Kill“.

Ennio Morricone style – a well-known film composer, most famously responsible for the iconic music from the “Dollars” trilogy of Spaghetti Western films, which combined 50s style surf and tremolo guitar, heavy orchestration, dramatic melodies and electronic elements.  Although the music had a naturalistic sound, much of it was machine-generated.  Morricone also dabbled in pop music among other experimental styles.

Gangkiz – Mama – a near-perfect adaptation of Morricone’s peculiar aesthetic into a pop song.

T-ara – Day By Day – and again.

Brown Eyed Girls – Kill Bill – close but no Italian cigar – “Kill Bill” incorporates the textures of Morricone, but not the melodic choices, instead inserting them into a more plain, generic k-pop format.  No accident in this case as Quentin Tarantino, director of Kill Bill, is a big Ennio Morricone fan and uses his work and other soundalikes in many of his films.

ABBA style – Swedish pop group ABBA’s mid-tempo pop songs were huge hits especially in Australia, and their unique style of pop music production included anthemic vocal melodies enhanced with heavily layered overdubs and aural excitation.

T-ara – Wae Ireoni (Why Are You Being Like This) – the closest k-pop has gotten to the iconic ABBA style, “Wae Iroeni” isn’t copying any particular ABBA song but is certainly made up of similar building blocks to most of the better ones.

Marching band style – any music with rhythms almost exclusively carried by rapid snare drum on every beat.

HISTORY ft. IU – Dreamer – a good example.

Oh My Girl – Cupid – another example, slightly more rhythmically erratic.

Roly Poly style – the ultimate feature track in k-pop is T-ara’s “Roly Poly” and naturally everyone wants their own version to scrape some cream off the top of the pie of awesome.  Roly Poly uses an inverse of the “four chords” I-V-vi-IV progression by starting on the vi, since harmony is relative to the root this makes the progression i-VI-III-VII.  Roly Poly style combines this minor-key variant with upbeat disco sensibilities and hot girls who you would fap to.

Girl’s Day – Oh My God – a devastatingly cheesy salvo of Roly Poly cloneage.

Crayon Pop – FM – Crayon Pop pretty much are T-ara 2.0, so why not go all the way?

Mid-tempo ballad style – songs which generate the emotional feel of a slow sentimental song, using similar soaring melodies but without the slow dirgy pace that makes you want to kill your family and then kill yourself.

SoReal – My Heart Says – male success.

T-ara – I Know The Feeling – female success.

Dubstep – a briefly fashionable electronic dance style featuring midrange heavy analog synth riffs and languid beats.

Younique Unit – Maxstep – a rare example of k-pop incorporating dubstep sonics into 100% of a song as opposed to just during a breakdown.

Trap/Crunk – an aptly-named modern rap music form that started in the early 1990s but took almost two decades to gain market acceptance in pop music, characterised by funeral-slow synthesised beats and rhymes, often overlaid with sound effects and rapid, often varying hi-hat subdivisions.

CL – The Baddest Female – a reasonably faithful high-production incorporation of the trap sound into k-pop.

G-Dragon – Coup D’etat – and another one.

GAPP – z’ill – although in k-pop high production versions are common, one of the reasons for trap’s popularity is that the style is very bare-bones so it’s easy to create the music with cheap equipment and a low budget.

Slow ballad style – further down the boredomsphere is the typical slow k-pop ballad, usually buried on albums as filler material rather than actually released into the wild.  Occasionally labels get a bit bold and crazy and think somebody wants to hear this crap.

Girl’s Day – I Miss You – your typical dime-a-dozen k-pop ballad.  There are literally thousands of these made every year.

2NE1 – Missing You – only kicks into slow ballad gear in the chorus, with the rest of the song sounding like it’s going somewhere interesting (spoiler alert: it doesn’t).

Korea is a boring country full of boring people ballad style – even something like 2NE1’s ballads might be too edgy for Koreans who seem to like their music as bland as possible.

Busker Busker – Cherry Blossom Ending – a massive hit in Korea.  Can’t you just tell?

Akdong Musician – Melted – no.  Just no.

SM The Ballad – Breath – there’s time to listen to music like this when you’re dead.

Hopefully this has been a totally education trip for you into various genres!  And if not, hopefully you were entertained!  Kpopalypse will return with more postings of trufax!

Avid k-pop fans are having the trouble telling the difference between Crayon Pop’s twins, Choa and Way.  Kpopalypse is here to help!

There are already several helpful guides available online to assist Crayon Pop fans to tell the difference between these two girls, so a simple websearch should give you all that you need to tell Choa and Way apart under normal circumstances.  But what about those more unusual circumstances in life where the distinction may not be immediately obvious, but where it might still be important to be able to differentiate between the two girls?  Read on for a helpful list of questions and answers that I’ve prepared, which will help you and the people you love differentiate Choa and Way in those crucial important times of need!

THE CRAYON POP TWINS IDENTIFICATION TEST

Scenario 1: You’re at school, talking among your friends.  One of your friends says that Crayon Pop is great, and you reply that you’ve never really been all that into them, and you’re concerned about their iljin thug lifestyle influencing k-pop fans.  Later on that day, a posse of 100 girls is waiting for you at the front gate as you leave for the day and they kick your ass all the way home.  Who organised your ass-beating, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 2: You’re a well-known western pop star, and a big Crayon Pop fan, so you’ve hired them to open for your big arena tour of the USA.  You stand at the side of the stage and watch their show, one of the twins seems more hyped than usual and carries the crowd in the palm of her hand.  Then you go backstage, and you realise why – all the lines of methamphetamine that your backstage handlers had prepared for you have already been snorted!  Which twin is responsible for the theft of your valuable hard drugs supply, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 3: You’re an uncle fan pervert and you’re at a Crayon Pop concert, watching the Crayon Pop twins’… twins.  In a frenzy of extreme sexual frustration and loneliness, you jump onto the stage and attempt to grope one of the girl’s boobs.  Prepared for your advance, the girl in question expertly dodges the grope attempt while the group’s security block you, escort you outside and beat the shit out of you.  Which twin was the target of your misguided creepy affections, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 4: You’re at a scenic lookout on top of a high cliff face, watching the sunset.  There is also a big crowd of tourists here, and the Crayon Pop girls are here too, looking at the view.  You can see the twins are getting frustrated as they are shorter than most people here and it’s hard for them to see over the shoulders of the taller tourists in front of them.  Suddenly, you hear a scream as a man falls over the guard rail to his death.  He was standing right in front of the twins, who begin whispering to each other and acting suspiciously.  Which twin is responsible, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 5: You’re at home minding your own business when suddenly a horse’s severed head flies through the window and lands on your bed.  Obviously Crayon Pop are responsible so you call the police, who arrive quickly and detain all five girls.  The Crayon Pop members cooperate with the police and allow themselves to be handcuffed, knowing that they can buy their way out of jail later.  The police then get out their clubs and start savagely beating one of the twins, even though she is not resisting arrest.  Is the victim of police brutality Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 6: You’re in the front row at a Crayon Pop guerilla concert at a shopping centre when suddenly you realise you need to do some Internet banking, so you pull out your phone and check your bank balance online using the shopping centre’s free wi-fi.  The next day, you notice unauthorised withdrawals on your account, debited to “Way’s Girls Redistribution Fund”.  You know Crayon Pop are responsible, but who performed this cybercriminal activity, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 7: You’re at home minding your own business when you hear a loud shout of “keu-ray-eon-pop!” and then your front door is kicked in.  The Crayon Pop twins have invaded your house, and you remember that you never did get around to making that Western Union money transfer to Way’s Girls.  With nowhere to hide, you use your amazing ninja powers to cling to the ceiling in your hallway, hoping that the twins pass under you and don’t look up and detect your presence.  One of the twins doesn’t notice, but the other one sees you hanging down from the ceiling out of the corner of her eye.  “Jumping, jumping, I see” she says, staring up at you.  Who has spotted you, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 8: The Crayon Pop twins have invaded your house again, so they can attempt to recover your large accumulated debts to Way’s Girls.  Now knowing that the threat is real, you’ve prepared for this raid in advance, and you are hiding in a basement part of your house underneath the lounge room floorboards, accessible only through a secret door hidden behind your bookcase.  After a long scan of the house, the Crayon Pop girls are about to leave, when you accidentally cough – you try to suppress it as best you can, but one of the twins shouts “Wait!  He’s under the floorboards!”  Which of the twins has heard you – Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 9: You’re a man with an abnormally large penis and you’re down at the toilet of your local strip club getting an anonymous blowjob through a hole in the cubicle wall.  The person giving you the blowjob in the next cubicle seems to be having trouble fitting their lips around your cock.  Eventually the person gives up and someone else starts, the fit of the new person’s mouth is just right and you cum quickly.  After you clean yourself off, you exit the cubicle and you see Choa and Way, both wiping their mouths and talking about the large cock they just sucked.  Who did you cum inside of, Choa or Way?  Click the picture for the answer.

Scenario 10: You failed to meet your monthly protection payments to Way’s Girls yet again and you are being tortured in the basement of the Chrome Entertainment building.  You are strapped into a chair and the masked girl in front of you asks you again where her payment is.  She produces a small saw blade and explains that it is a medical-grade saw especially designed for sawing into bone, and advises you that you will be given a practical demonstration of this shortly.  She waves the blade in front of your face, and you notice engraved on the blade are the words “with love, from Jessica – hope you find this as useful as I did – keu-ray-eon-pop!”.  Who is torturing you, Choa or Way?  Cllick the picture for the answer.

Perhaps you got all the questions right, but if not – don’t worry, at least this was a “dry run” and your life wasn’t really in danger!  Hopefully this guide has been helpful and you can now differentiate between Choa and Way in all circumstances!  Feel free to bask in your newfound wisdom and enlightenment!

In my continuing quest to document songs that did and did not suck from previous years in k-pop, please enjoy this list of honourable and dishonourable mentions for 2012!

These were songs that I thought were either very good or very bad, but not good or bad enough to make it onto my official best or worst lists for 2012.  These are listed in alphabetical order, and are feature tracks only.  Enjoy (or not)!

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Ailee – Heaven

Before she was kidnapped by Johnny Noh and blackmailed with nude photos to sing 57 different variations of “Crazy In Love” while he jerked off in his computer chair, Ailee had some decent songs.  Here’s one of them.

B.A.P – Warrior

B.A.P were complete nugus when this video hit and made instant waves with a tough backing track by k-pop standards and also by being k-pop’s first accidental DMX concept group.  Plus I don’t know why having all the members with bleached blonde hair is funny but it just is.

BigBang – Fantastic Baby

Although back in 2012 this song got wearying from overexposure, this is actually pretty good in retrospect, certainly better than the shit they’re doing now.  Okay, the last 30 seconds or so is utter garbage, but I’ve usually turned it off by then so I can let it slide.

Block B – Nalina

Easily Block B’s finest moment, this is just big dumb rap-rocking fun, which is all k-pop boy groups really need to aspire to in order to make me happy.  The little details in the mix where the backings have been synchronised to complement the raps are very welcome and keep it interesting.

Crayon Pop – Saturday Night

This is the extended dubstep version where the dubstep break actually does something amazing – it sits really well with the rest of the song and doesn’t feel out of place at all.  Worthy of inclusion on the list for this reason alone, but if you really can’t stand that fucking shit you could always listen to the original which doesn’t suffer much from the dubstep’s absence.

Dal Shabet – Mr. Bang Bang

I played this at a DJ club night straight after “Roly Poly” and it completely emptied the dance floor.  That’s because people suck and should be destroyed.

EXID – I Feel Good

EXID still haven’t topped this great song at the time of writing, but then they probably don’t really need to bother now that Hani shaking her ass on fancams is filling their pockets.  Hey whatever works I guess.

4Minute – Love Tension

Improves as it goes – the hideous start is saved by one of the best choruses in 4minute’s discography.  This song also takes me back to the days when Hyuna looked like she was made out of flesh and bone instead of plasticine and rubber.

Gangkiz – Mama

Although “Honey Honey” got on my 2012 favourites list in retrospect I think this song is maybe a little better and should have gotten on there instead, just because of the dramatic Ennio Morricone-isms, gorgeous tremolo guitar and the fact that it doesn’t sound like a rejigged Lovey Dovey.  Oh well, couldn’t be fucked changing it now.

K.will – Please Don’t

Definitely the only song in K.will’s catalogue worth bothering with, this song benefits greatly from some nice melodies and clever chord progressions with walking bass that really pushes the song forward and makes it not the boring mid-tempo ballad it could have been.  Also I foresaw the video’s plot twist about 30 seconds in, because I’m a gigantic [spoiler deleted].

Nu’est – Face

Seeing the most effeminate guys in the world ever act tough and bully each other is great entertainment, especially the blonde guy who looks like a male Boram.  However much I laugh though I can’t deny that this song has outstandingly catchy verses and choruses, and probably would have gotten into the real deal 2012 favourites list if it didn’t also possess one of the most awkward and unfortunate dubstep breakdowns in k-pop’s history.

The Seeya ft. SPEED – Be With You

I liked this song so much that I originally had it in the 2013 favourites list until someone pointed out that it was actually from the year prior.  I also went and bought The Seeya’s mini-album on the strength of this song, unfortunately to discover that everything else on there is utter shit.  So that’s two fuckups that I made just because this song was awesome enough to blind me from rationality.  I guess I should learn from my mistakes but all I learned was that I’m a dumbass and I knew that already.  Oh well, enjoy this song anyway.

Sistar – Alone

For a brief period in their career Sistar were not shit and actually had some good songs.  It didn’t last long of course, but it was good times while it lasted.  Here they are doing the “slinky grooves and slinky dresses” concept better than most groups before or since.

Spica – Painkiller

Okay, so it’s unfortunately not Judas Priest, but Spica will probably never get another song of this quality ever again, let alone one approaching the awesomeness of the even-better “Russian Roulette“.  “Painkiller” is the big power ballad that every other k-pop group has tried to do and failed at, and although it’s a tad too overblown vocally at the end with horrible overdubbed vocal wank, the tough but subdued instrumentation makes it work despite itself.  Someone tap Korean netizens on the shoulder and tell them that the real reason Spica aren’t getting popular is because everything they did after this song was fucking shit.

Tahiti – Tonight

With a mix electronically spazzed up the ass as fuck, it’s no wonder ex-member Sarah Wolfgang doesn’t know if her voice is on this or not, neither would you.  Who cares though, it’s a great song and if you don’t think that the “report to the dance floor” vocoder harmony hook is catchy as fuck then you’re probably dead (or deserve to be).

T-ara – Lovey Dovey

Obviously trying to be “Roly Poly 2.0”, “Lovey Dovey” doesn’t quite get to that lofty goal but it’s a great song anyway that still helped cement T-ara’s reputation as k-pop’s disco queens.  If you hate T-ara don’t press play because you don’t deserve to listen to a song this good.

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

B.A.P – Stop It

And “stop” their career did after this came out, B.A.P had a cool rap-metal concept going that rocketed them to international attention and they should have stuck with it, why did they have to ruin it with this One Direction-style shit is anyone’s guess.

Dalmation – E.R.

Actually this song’s alright, I just ran out of room on the Honourable list and wanted to make jokes about Daniel selling weed, but now I can’t think of any.  Plus I thought some of you female readers might like it if I throw you a bone.  Damn, I’m hungry.

Epik High ft. Bom – Up

If I knew that Tablo was going to come back in 2012 with some hideous pop-rap bullshit like this, I probably would have joined Tajinyo myself.  At least he returned to form properly a few years later.

EvoL – We Are A Bit Different

If by “different” they mean “like peak-era 2NE1 but shit” then I guess this is truth in advertising.  Pity their label seemingly fucked them up the ass, I hope the girls enjoyed playing with those tanks and flamethrowers, something for them to reminisce about in 2018 when they’re stacking supermarket shelves.  Hayana, care for a tell-all interview?  You know you want to.

G-Dragon – That XX

In 2012 the girl who was in this video was some big deal but it’s now 2015 and I’ve forgotten who the fuck she even is.  Oh well, just as well nobody cares because this song is another boring acoustic ballad like every other one that gets written every day in Korea.

Geeks ft. Soyou – Officially Missing You, Too

Akdong Musician did a cover of this song not that long ago, and it was actually marginally better.  That should tell you all you need to know about how shit this is because AKMU fucking suck.

IU – Every End Of The Day

Her self-composed song “Peach” from this album was even worse than this meandering hippie acoustic disco-lite crap.

JJ Project – Bounce

Three songs in one, but they don’t really fit together.  The song bombed on the charts, which fortunately k-pop as a whole took as a sign that this experiment was a failure and they never tried anything this awkward ever again.  Oh wait.

J-Rabbit – Happy Things

People reckon it’s Slayer and Marilyn Manson that causes all those mass shootings in the US, but I think J-Rabbit is responsible.  Listening to this makes me want to watch The Human Centipede a few times just to balance out my brain a little.

Lee Hi – 1, 2, 3, 4

Are you a vocally-obsessed fuckhead?  If so, you’ll probably enjoy this boring worthless fucking blues-based crap designed solely as a showcase to let Lee Hi jerk off all over all our faces.  “Ooh look she’s only 16 years old and can sing really well” – sorry but if the song is crap it doesn’t mean shit.  K-pop fans’ creepy obsession with vocals needs to go die in a fire before more garbage like this is created.

Lyn ft. Hae Geum – Teddy Bear

Someone give the bitch her fucking teddy bear already so she can stop whining and boring us to death with shit ballads.

Super Junior – Sexy, Free & Single

Ah, the irony of a group on SM Entertainment singing about freedom and the ability to have relationships with whoever they want.  At first I was grateful that they weren’t retreading “Sorry Sorry” for the 27th time, but then later I realised that this was just “Sorry Sorry” at half speed.  Oh well.

Tiny G – Tiny G

I’m sure that if trap was in full swing this debut song would have been some awful yolocrap but in 2012 not many people were doing that in k-pop so instead we get this weird electrofart dance thing.  Oh well, it could have been worse.

2Bic & Davichi – On Nights Like This

Davichi are like a clearing house for shitty songs that MBK don’t consider good enough for their other groups, and this is no exception.  I have no idea who 2Bic are and I plan to remain blissfully ignorant of that, but they definitely can’t save this from Davichi’s typical dose of somnambulant Carpenters-dom.

Wonder Girls ft. School Gyrls – The DJ Is Mine

Everyone singled out their song with Akon as Wonder Girls’ career-destroying mis-step into the US, but at least that song had a cool Shodan-style intro.  This fucking shit right here was way worse, complete with crappy repetitive chorus, some nugu western group and the usual unsuited dubstep shoehorning, but probably the worst thing about it is that it’s all in English so there’s no hiding from how bad the lyrics are.

That’s the end of this list!  Hopefully you enjoyed reading my crap and watching the videos, and if not, hopefully you at least found something you can complain about on an Internet site somewhere to make you feel better about your worthless existence and superior to others!  Kpopalypse will return with more fun posts that he does for free for your entertainment that you can whine like an entitled bitch about in the future!  Yay!

Kpopalypse is back one again, fighting against the forces of cynicism and negativity in k-pop with another POSITIVE post!  The subject of today’s POSITIVE post is Super Junior’s Siwon!

It’s tough when you’re a celebrity in a strictly conservative country and you have views and lifestyles that are not accepted by the majority of the population.  Nobody know this better than the Rock Hudson of k-pop, Super Junior’s Choi Siwon.

Destined to a life in the closet due to the ignorance and mean-spiritedness of k-pop fans and Korean society at large which would make Super Junior unmarketable if he was openly gay, Super Junior’s icon of gender fluidity has no choice but to keep his sexual preferences a secret.  Nevertheless, he does his best to teach acceptance and love of people all across the sexual spectrum within the strict limitations of his public image as an SM Entertainment superstar.  Let’s take a moment to share and celebrate some of the ways Siwon is sticking up for the rights of the LGBT community!

The first and most obvious way is by openly promoting the gay lifestyle through Super Junior’s concert appearances.  Siwon’s copious skinship with other male k-pop stars is no secret and frequently on display for all.

Guys with dripping wet bodies is a noted homosexual fetish – rest assured this type of man-on-man action isn’t just for the ladies (although the gender-inclusive Siwon won’t mind if they appreciate it too, of course).  He might not be able to say it, but he can still spray it – or whisper it quietly in someone’s ear.

Some may be surprised by Siwon’s openly gay behaviour onstage, especially given his devout Christianity – but unlike some Christians, Siwon has actually read the Bible and fully understood its message.  Let’s take a look at some relevant Bible quotes which I have no doubt Siwon is familiar with.

Some people think that Siwon is against same-sex marriage, and that’s probably true: after all marriage means commitment to one sexual partner, and Siwon is nothing if not a traditionalist, so therefore marriage would limit his opportunity to play the field amongst other Super Junior members.  He wouldn’t want monogamy to catch on so let’s not blame a man for being a bit selfish and instead appreciate his commitment to sexual freedom.  Siwon doesn’t judge others, here he is getting up close and personal with SHINee’s Jonghyun, SM labelmate plus a fearless defender of gay rights.  Jonghyun wants nothing more than to play with Hitomi Tanaka’s boobs but Siwon still has time for showing camaraderie with his SM brethern as well as helping his fans understand acceptance and tolerance.

(okay so that’s actually Zhoumi but if it’s close enough for a SHINee fansite it’s close enough for me)

To this end Siwon has done his best to raise awareness of the disgusting and illegal homophobia present in the case of Kim Davis, by retweeting (and tellingly, not favouriting) one of her supporter’s misguided Twitter statements.

I understand Siwon perfectly here – I also like to retweet misguided statements on Twitter in order to call them under greater attention, scrutiny and criticism.

Of course, people inevitably misunderstood Siwon’s intentions and got a bit sensitive about it, but rather than try to self-righteously explain himself and potentially cause further anguish, Siwon felt bad that he hurt people’s feelings and so he apologised:

What a nice man, certainly a nicer man than me.  But Siwon isn’t just about sticking up for gays, he’s here to do what he can to broaden acceptance for all sexualities.  Here he is bravely donning a dress in order to show his support for transgender people and drag queens:

For those complaining “isn’t this reverse discrimination, as a straight person why am I left out in the cold?  Does Siwon not love me?” – fear not, Siwon is looking after your interests also!  A shining beacon of gender tolerance, here’s Siwon getting cozy with SNSD’s Tiffany.  Siwon knows he’s a role model for young people so he does his best to roleplay a straight person so young heterosexual k-pop fans don’t feel alienated.  Note that Siwon’s arm isn’t actually touching Tiffany, he’s carefully avoiding any physical contact with her – but he gets as close to her as his sexual disposition will allow.  You can practically see the sweat on his brow in this picture, he’s clearly uncomfortable and this is hard work for him – but Siwon cares about his fans and he’s a professional, so he tries his best to look as relaxed as he can.

Another similar picture.  Notice how he touches the cup, not her body.  Clearly Siwon is uncomfortable posing so close to an actual woman here, but he’s thinking of the heterosexual fans first and about how they would feel alienated and disenfranchised if he didn’t pander to their wishes to see him with an attractive woman every so often.

Check out the expression on his face below where he actually has to touch a woman.  Siwon is clearly holding back some serious angst here, he looks like a balloon about to burst with the energy of “fuck this shit get me outta here”.  The poor guy, I bet as soon as this shoot was over he had a long hot shower and several deep breaths.

Stunningly awkward photos of Siwon cosplaying as a heterosexual posing with women are all over the Internet, it’s hard not to feel for him in what surely must be confronting moments for him.  In the following photo he’s clearly a little closer to the young lady’s face than he is comfortable with, it’s only her iron grip on his scarf that’s keeping him there.

Is there a more virtuous and self-sacrificing man in k-pop than Super Junior’s Siwon?  Let’s all share and spread this rainbow picture of Siwon across social networks in order to show our support for his consistently kind and caring nature, and his endless work to bring about pan-sexual tolerance and acceptance!

That’s it for another Kpopalypse POSITIVE post!  More positivity will be returning to Kpopalypse blog soon!

Hello and welcome to another edition of:

The subject of this edition of Kpopalypse Interview is Diergo.  Who is Diergo?  Read on to find out!

I can’t remember how I first heard about Diergo, but he probably sent me something about his album on Twitter.   Diergo is an independent musician and creative artist from Jakarta, Indonesia.  He’s also a big k-pop fan, and an unashamed Girls’ Generation fanboy.  His lo-fi, quirky recordings don’t sound anything like any k-pop I’ve ever heard, but they’re also clearly very k-pop influenced, as the songs come with some typically k-pop presentation quirks – multiple-language versions, teasers, drama MVs and he even has his own self-designed lightstick!  Clearly this is someone who I had to talk to for Kpopalypse Interview.  I was curious to find out what motivated him to make the k-pop connection in his artistic work, and what the k-pop experience felt like for someone in his shoes.  I also wanted to know how he saw himself in relation to someone like Chad Future, and what sort of k-pop aspirations he had for his own work.  I also thought this interview might make a good counterpoint to the Chad Future interview that I published a while back.

The following is a transcription of our Skype conversation.  English isn’t Diergo’s first language, so keep that in mind as you read this.  I’ve tried to edit things for context and clarity where needed while also keeping the text as true to his speaking style as possible.

Hi, how are you?  Answer in as much or as little detail as applicable.

I’m fine!

Thanks very much for doing the interview, I really appreciate it!

You’re welcome!

You’re obviously a k-pop fan, what drew you into it?

I’m just an ordinary fanboy, but I don’t want just to be an ordinary SNSD fan, I also want to make songs, drawings, etc and be creative, but with the benefit of liking k-pop.

How did you discover k-pop?

Four years ago cable TV here had a program called Arirang.  Before then I didn’t know about k-pop, I just knew about [Korean TV drama] Boys Before Flowers.  There was a program called Pops In Seoul – a music program for broadcasting k-pop MVs, and for the first time I saw k-pop MVs, like IU’s MV, G.na’s MV, Infinite’s MV, I thought it’s kind of a cool concept, like American [pop].  I wanted to discover more and get deeper into k-pop and yes, I like it from then until now.  It’s just like dope, like a drug, I can’t get out!

Tell us about the album “Love To Go”.

It was released about two months ago.  The process was two years from when I started until the day it was released.  I just want to tell you a story, about how I compose the songs.  I wrote songs through high school and wrote in Bahasa (Indonesian) and English, I knew k-pop from senior high school, from four years ago, and I thought “can I compose Korean songs?”.  On an international Korean pop radio show called K-pop Zone, it’s 92.4 FM in Jakarta, my city, they had an event called “K-pop In The Zone” to accomodate fanboys or fangirls covering k-pop songs or creating their own k-pop songs by themselves.  The first song I created is “Dopamine” [and was for this program], it’s included on “Love To Go”, unfortunately they didn’t broadcast it because the mixing of the recording is low quality because I recorded it by myself in my room.  I recorded it on Audition with my own instruments, guitar, keyboard…

In the video for “Love To Go”, are the instruments in the video the same as the ones on the recording?

Yes.  I played it by myself, no supporting band members or creative people, just by myself.  It’s my ideal type of music, I just write the music that I like.  I don’t want to… k-pop is dancing, there are many boy bands, many girl groups, but I just want to write what I like.  I create songs in Bahasa and songs in English, k-pop is just an influence to me, I am digging many sounds, many types of music that I have yet to play, like electronic, etc.

Given that your music doesn’t really sound like k-pop, why brand it as such?

Maybe it’s just language, I think.  Sometimes my Korean songs, I rewrite in English or Bahasa, like “Dopamine”, which has an English and a Bahasa version.  It’s various kinds of music that I offer so you can enjoy it, but I make it catchy so it’s still my type of music that I like.

Are the people that you know supportive of what you’re doing?

Yes, of course.  Mainly for my family, both of my parents support me well because my talent can be beneficial to my future as a musician or a song engineer, as a composer, and I’d like to have money of course!  For my friends they are like “you just wrote Korean songs, how can you?” – it’s something strange for them, that there is an Indonesian that can create a k-pop song!

How popular is k-pop in Indonesia?  Where I live it’s more of a cult following, is it the same where you are or do k-pop songs chart in the mainstream?

It’s a rapid trend, there are many many k-pop fangirls in Indonesia, and fanboys too.  K-pop groups also have held their concerts in Jakarta, just yesterday BTS (Bangtan Boys) held their concert in Jakarta, EXO and Super Junior have helped [raise the profile of k-pop in Indonesia with concerts] and there are many fans in Indonesia.  There are many k-pop radio programs in my country, so it’s easy to hear k-pop songs and also I have many friends that like Korean music.  I utilise this k-pop craziness to my own music, and create Korean songs that I like, so that many fangirls can hear that and will say what my friends say too – “whoa, it’s so fabulous that there’s an Indonesian who creates k-pop songs!”.  Honestly I don’t feel smug about myself, but I think I’m maybe one of the only Indonesian musicians who can create Korean songs, and who has released an album or mini-album.

Diergo being interviewed by Kpopalypse, September 2015

Has anyone compared you to Chad Future yet?

Yes!

Even though you and him sound very different, in terms of ideas it seems like you’re doing something similar but from a DIY approach.

Chad Future is a good musician with ambition, because he utilises k-pop to his music, but I just want to make something that is better, a song in Korean that also has uniqueness.  Maybe if someone compares me to Chad Future, I feel that I just have more uniqueness, even though I am a k-pop fan, I can write a song in Korean even though in the process I get a little help from Google Translate!

What’s your favourite track on “Love To Go”?

In music and arrangement it’s the title track “Love To Go”.  The lyrics are my personal experience in my love life, and it has the influence of 80s classic rock music which is rarely heard in k-pop music, so it’s not the typical sounds of k-pop.

If a k-pop agency approached you and asked you to do something for them, would you be interested in that even if it involved some compromise, or would you rather to continue to do things 100% your way?

Honestly I just want to be indie musician signing in Korean.  If I ever did get a chance to make a career in Korea I’d just want to be an indie musician, because the mainstream k-pop industry is cruel, we always hear that.

I’ve heard that myself from many other people I’ve interviewed!

I never feel weak because a trainee is so tired, the training system is harsh, I never feel that way [as an indie musician].  After you become a k-pop idol you are a slave, you feel tired like a slave.  Sometimes they don’t care about the health of the performers, like EXO has lost a lot of members because of the management.  It’s better that I can be an indie musician, I believe that Koreans nowadays are so critical about music scene, and indie music in Korean is more appreciated.  There is a band called Hyukoh that got attention when they entered Infinity Challenge and their music can be accepted by Koreans even though their music is different to typical k-pop, an indie sound that I always hear in American songs or British songs, it’s a fresh sound.  I also want to be a talented musician, [not specifically] a rock musican or a reggae musican, just a musician that plays and feel and makes every genre of music, and always make an innovation in my music.  For instance I have released a song that is dedicated to my ultimate bias, Tiffany from SNSD, the song title is Tiffany and I released it on her birthday, August 1st.  The lyrics is the contents of my lovey-dovey feelings for Tiffany and the music is made up of EDM sounds that I made, with rock music and distortion, so I called it EDRM – Electronic Dance Rock Music.  The lyrics are about how I love Tiffany most, as an idol, as my inspiration, as my everything!  Yes, I hope that Tiffany can hear my songs and hear my song called “Tiffany”.

What do you think she would say, if she did hear it?

[laughs]  I’m speechless!

Or to put it another way, if you were to become successful and someone made a song called “Diergo” about you, how would you feel when you heard it?

I would be grateful to God to give this success to me.  I have many dreams, I want to build my wings to the serious and professional music industry, even though just as an indie musician.  I have a dream besides my musical goals, I want to be an entrepreneur that has a shop, a recording studio, that has an English course, and I want to be an English tutor in Korea or Japan.  I am from the English department in my college, so I could apply what I have learned.  I hope that not only Indonesian but also all around the world it can be a motivation especially for Indonesians that we can just have big dreams out of the box, and have a plan in the future, so if you fail you can have a plan B and plan C.  Just be unique and don’t give up with all that you wish for.

One thing that does connect what you’re doing to k-pop is your use of the Diergo lightstick.  How did you come up with this?

It’s an idea from my music video “Love To Go”.  I wanted it to be as if I was a k-pop idol that has a lightstick including my logo, and the lightstick is green, that is my “official” colour.  I made an order to a place that makes custom lightsticks and asked them to make a reality of my design.  It’s a unique design, and I use it not just for watching a concert, but for my music video and album art.

Diergo’s SNS display picture, including lightstick, 2015

I notice that you’re a big fan of Girls’ Generation.  What appeals to you about them in particular?

They are a really really famous girl group in Korea and the world…

Yes but what do you like about them?

From the first time they were trainees until they debuted they never tired of singing, and had motivation so they could be a national girl group.  I watched a reality show of them called “Girls Go To School“, it shows them before they debuted when they practiced and made a concert for their performance.  They are so [motivated], like Hyoyeon who always practiced dancing even when falling asleep.  You can see what is her ability, [as well as] Tiffany with her endless voice, Taeyeon also, they have many talents shown in this reality show and I’m so attracted to them – not only in sexual ways [laughs] but also their venture to be the biggest idols in Korea, they are my inspiration.  I will always support them, whether OT9 or OT8.

How did you feel when Jessica left?

I was speechless.  Jessica left with some kind of not logical reason, she kicked up from the new CEO because she had a business, but it’s just another occupation, I believe that even though she becomes a CEO in her own business in Blanc & Eclare, I believe that she still has a priority in Girls’ Generation.  I’m getting sad because I think it’s just a ridiculous reason.

We know that Korean people are very critical of Korean pop stars, how do you think you would react to similar criticism of what you are doing?

Many Koreans are critics of music and yes I promote my songs and promote to Korean people, I have many responses from them.  Some say “oh it’s good”, but if people respond with detail about my music or my arrangement, it’s a big appreciation that I want to hear, I don’t want to just hear “oh it’s good, oh it’s cool” but also what are the aspects that they like most.  I am invulnerable to the negative criticism [laughs] but yes I believe that if not [purely] negative, but criticism about it being low quality, at least they watched it and they heard it [and gave feedback] so I know what my weaknesses are in what I create so I can be better next time.  I always get it from Korean people when I promote.

What do you want to achieve in the next year or so in what you’re doing, now that your album is out, what’s the next plan?

I will have another comeback, but not yet.  In December I will release my second Indonesian studio album, not Korean.  My first studio album was released after five years called “Unordinary Boy”.  I also want to end my college life, next year I also should make a thesis and I will have teaching practice that is from my college, there’s a program there where I’ll have teaching practice at a junior high school next year.

Diergo, September 2015.  Click the image for a closer look at his drawing.

Diergo on Twitter

Diergo on Soundcloud

Diergo on YouTube

Diergo on Instagram

Diergo on Google+

That’s it for another Kpopalypse Interview!  Are you, or do you know someone who would make a good Kpopalypse Interview?  If so, get in touch!

Hi there cao ni mas, and welcome to another episode of:

Your favourite series of music that nobody besides me and maybe three other people give a fuck about is back!  Read on to listen to even more nugus for your nugutainment!

Every time I do an episode of Nugu Alert, I try to tie the videos together into some kind of theme.  The list of themes so far have been:

Episode 1: Introduction to Nugu Alert

Episode 2: Female-fronted bands

Episode 3: Awkward dancing

Episode 4: Drama MVs

Episode 5: Genuinely cheap MVs

Episode 6: Ballads

Episode 7: Female rappers

Episode 8: Drug-influenced MVs

Episode 9: Budget cinematography

Episode 10: Camera filters and effects

Episode 11: Yoloswag trap

Episode 12: Odd musical choices

This time I thought I’d bring you something different and instead of collecting MVs under a particular theme, I’m just going to give you three songs that I think are not complete shit, and that maybe I think you should listen to because maybe you might like them too.  Or maybe you’ll think they’re shit but then I don’t really care that much, Nugu Alert posts have always been the least popular type of post that I do on Kpopalypse blog but I don’t blog for popularity, I blog because I feel like it and in this case also to please my personal nugu fetish.  So I guess “I would probably listen to these songs instead of lick a bulldog’s ass” is the theme here.  Usual rules apply: less than 20000 hits, your international k-pop loving friends don’t care – but I do.

pinkfunniAde – Shez Punk

Let’s start off with pinkfunniAde and this great melodic pop-punk song.  K-pop fans raised on a diet of singers with super-pristine k-pop voices where every characteristic trace of human expression is electronically smoothed over into a generic mush of corporate-rubber-stamped blandness that sounds like an averaged-out computer algorithm of the last 15 years of k-pop singers mixed together might find the female singer’s voice here to be an initial barrier to digging this song.  However punk doesn’t value “pristine perfect vocal” and never has – in punk music the fact that you may or may not be all that talented but still have the drive to give it a go anyway despite any shortcomings you might possess is the whole point.  It’s also worth noting as well that for all the singer’s rough edges and out-of-tune notes this group and this song are both still way, way over on the “pop” end of the “pop/punk” spectrum.  Settle down vocalfags because this is not exactly The Exploited, it’s just a nice harmless piece of music that rocks maybe a little harder than whatever pussy shit your friends listen to.  Also the girl is cute in a “you’re definitely not my type but you kind of get over the line anyway because of your attitude” sort of way, and that doesn’t hurt my appreciation levels because I just have to be that kind of objectifying bastard.

YouTube views at time of writing: 1330

Notable attribute: feminine hygiene products displayed in a way that is not gimmicky or playing off on any gross-out/humour factor

Nugu Alert rating: extreme

Yaya – Ghost

I’ve known about Yaya for years and I always had the impression that she was mildly successful in Korea or something, but judging by the amount of hits on her YouTube videos I’d say that either I’m wrong, or her bread and butter is just more in another part of the 186 things she does with her time, like web designing, music video directing, column writing, fashion styling, ben-wa bead crafting or whatever.  Yaya has a pretty pro-looking website with some nice pictures and shit so she’s at least pretty good at that part, and the song here is decent too, some kind of trip-hop/tango song with an odd almost stoner-rock feel with its layers of feedback and noise, like French doom band Monarch having a crack at playing Portishead songs on an accordion.  It works well enough and it’s actually really nice and did I mention the elephant in the room which is TITS and goddamn is she putting them out there.  There are more boob shots in this video that you could possibly wish for, and before anyone gets started on any “oh look she’s being exploited how dreadful” bullshit concern-trolling bandwagoning pseudofeminist claptrap remember that Yaya is an independent artist who directed this fucking video herself so you know she’s 100% cool with everything that’s going down here.

YouTube views at time of writing: 2925

Notable attribute: possibly the lowest amount of YouTube views ever in history for a video containing this much cleavage

Nugu Alert rating: extreme

Nutaz – Whatever Happens, I Will Try To Achieve My Dream

T-ara, DIA, SPEED, The Seeya, Gangkiz, F-ve Dolls… Nutaz.  One of these things is not like the other.   MBK’s best kept secret is hip-hop nugus Nutaz and they could be possibly the most nugu group alive.  People who think of MBK as a “smaller k-pop label” need to remember that MBK is a subsidiary of CJE&M which itself is a subsidiary of CJ Group, a big-ass corporation with fingers in everything from pharmaceuticals to home shopping and that pretty much owns the other 33% of South Korea that Samsung and LG don’t own.  It’s a much larger business entity than SM and YG in terms of both the scope of the entire organisation and the raw amount of money involved, so for Nutaz to maintain such a consistently low profile while being hooked up to one of Korea’s most sprawling corporate entities surely makes them the nugu masters.  What’s even more astonishing is that they’re keeping this low profile with the kind of a-little-bit-rough-but-not-really-that-rough-so-don’t-get-scared-kids mid-tempo DJ-Premier-on-a-lazy-day hip-hop shit that Korea usually can’t get enough of.  Actually it’s better than most of that stuff, the beat here is pretty damn decent so maybe that’s the problem – the shit I like never seems to chart any good so I guess too much quality in music doesn’t sit that well with Koreans who would probably rather be listening to some weak-ass ballad bullshit and typing paragraphs about things like “resonance” and “nasality” like anybody with a life gives a fucking shit.

YouTube views at time of writing: 2234

Notable attribute: like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, we’ll never truly know what’s in those backpacks

Nugu Alert rating: off the chart

That’s it once again for another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  Oh, and thanks to all the caonimas who are sending in Nugu Alert submissions to me via Twitter and ask.fm, I appreciate it!  If I don’t reply to your submission, take that as a good sign, as I tend to only reply to the submissions that I definitely won’t use in future episodes.  Anyway thanks for reading and Kpopalypse Nugu Alert will return in the future!

Hi everyone – Kpopalypse is back with a new survey for your fun feedback and entertainment!

I survey my readers every half-year, so this will be the last big-ass Kpopalypse survey for 2015.  Click the button below to get started and enjoy checking buttons and writing stuff!

It doesn’t matter what the situation is, everybody’s got an opinion about how k-pop agencies should run their artists.  Surely with such a wealth of business knowledge coming from both Korean and international netizens, it’s a wonder that any k-pop agencies ever lose money and have misfortunes at all!  If only k-pop agencies took heed of the plethora of free advice and popular opinion out there on the Internet, nobody in k-pop need ever fail at anything ever again!

So why do k-pop agencies continue to act like they know what’s in their own best interests?  Why don’t they just listen to us and do what we want?  Read on as Kpopalypse demystifies the mystical mysteries of some of k-pop’s more mysterious business decisions!

Like many Kpopalypse posts about the business side of k-pop, this post might get a little bit lengthy and wordy.  I know that some of you guys are attention-span-challenged and don’t like tl;dr so I’ve prepared a special short version of this post just for you.  Just click on “the best ever cum in your life” Seo Jisoo to access it:

Now you can skip all the inconvenient text below and go straight to your favourite forum or website and start whining about how much of an asshole I supposedly am for writing free content for your entertainment.  Let it never be said that I don’t think of and carefully consider ALL my readers!

For the rest of you who actually enjoy reading my long-winded garbage, let’s take a look at a few case studies.  Also, people are always asking me about my opinions on this type of shit, so this post should satisfy some of you “what does Kpopalyspe think about this shit” type folks out there.  The rest of this post may be obvious to some of you, and I’m sure I’ll get “oh Kpopalypse is so condescending, I already knew this shit” type comments, and that’s fine.  Of course everybody reading this knows all this shit already.  That’s why there’s so many rational k-pop fans out there.  Oh wait.

Wonder Girls’ “failed American advancement”

The story we all hear:

It’s well documented that Park Jin Young aka “JYP”, CEO of JYP Entertainment, tried his hardest to break The Wonder Girls in the USA for many years and didn’t succeed.  This refocus into the American market not only lost money in the United States, but scuttled The Wonder Girls’ momentum within Korea, meaning that his label lost out and The Wonder Girls’ lost their chance at iconic status to competitors such as Girls’ Generation and 2NE1.  It’s been suggested that JYP doesn’t even belong in the “big three” k-pop labels anymore due to declining sales and that without “breadwinner Suzy” from miss A keeping the company afloat with her constant endorsement money, he’d be fucked.

The reality:

At the start of 2013, JYP finally conceded defeat in the USA and withdrew from the American market completely, by folding his American subsidiary JYP Creative and getting the fuck out.  The net loss recorded for the last year’s worth of activities in the USA was $1.718 million.  Oh no, so sad, right?  Sad until you realise that JYP is rich as a motherfuck.  JYP’s sales the following year was $43.7 million with a net profit of $7.07 million, so he made the money back no problem.

Why go out on such a limb at all though?  Wouldn’t it have been better to keep building on The Wonder Girls’ Korean success rather than trying them out in an unknown market?  People who operate businesses know that being stagnant is death – your competitors will overtake you.  So any businessman in a highly competitive industry where nothing is guaranteed long-term is always looking for ways to expand the business and keep in front.  American success might seem unlikely to us and it might’ve even seemed unlikely to JYP, but a couple million dollars as a gamble for something way bigger in that kind of context is worth a shot, and JYP was uniquely positioned with a lot of capital and a hot girl group to give it a go.  JYP wasn’t going to go out on all that much of a limb, after all he folded the American branch of his company pretty quickly once it became clear that money was never going to be made, but the fact is that he wouldn’t have spent a million dollars on The Wonder Girls if he didn’t have that kind of money to burn in the first place.  With all that income from 2PM coming in (contrary to popular belief, it’s 2PM that is JYP’s biggest earner, not Suzy) JYP has a secure financial base from which to work from while trying this kind of thing out.  If it fails – oh well, not that big of a deal, return The Wonder Girls to Korea and move onto the next venture, like perhaps a new clothing line:

K-pop fans are one-eyed and struggle to get with this kind of thinking.  JYP on the other hand is looking at it like a business, not like a fangirl scared that their bias group is under threat.  Once you forget about your emotions for Wonder Girls and look at it from a business perspective, JYP’s actions are easy enough to understand.

f(x)’s “unfair treatment”

The story we all hear:

Poor f(x).  They’re on SM Entertainment, the biggest label in k-pop, but they just don’t get the support they deserve.  They don’t get a proper concert, their comebacks are always cut short and usually coinciding with EXO or some other big boy group, they don’t even have an official fandom!  What’s up with that, does SM just hate them or what?  They’re so popular, with a little extra love from the label and some proper promotion they could be huge!

The reality:

By the time that f(x) were ready for debut, SM already had established the hugest of huge k-pop girl groups that were ever huge in the history of huge k-pop girl groups being huge, Girls’ Generation (SNSD).  SM Entertainment doesn’t need to run two Girls’ Generations at once, and it would be stupid for them to do so, because market share would then get divided between the two similar groups, they’d just be dividing their existing audience up.  So SM came up with another idea, to push their new group f(x) into completely different markets, and rather than get existing SNSD fans hooked on them instead to try and tap into a brand new audience that SM didn’t have yet.  So f(x) are their experimental pop project group who are deliberately positioned in the market a little bit off-centre so as to appeal to the kind of punters who wouldn’t necessarily go for the slick commercial pop of SNSD.  So while f(x) may not get big-ass Korean concerts they do get to do slightly different things like play the prestigious SXSW festival in Texas with a bunch of Korean rock and punk groups, something that wouldn’t have worked at all for just about any other act on SM apart from them.  f(x) also get the weird artsy presentation (check out any of their CD photobooks), more individual activities instead of group stuff and no fandom name because the kind of person who SM Entertainment is marketing f(x) to is the kind of person who thinks that fandoms are a special people’s club.  Paradoxically, f(x) are huge because of this type of treatment, not in spite of it – if they were just another girl group in the SNSD style you probably wouldn’t like them as much.

Don’t just take my word for it though, if you’re an f(x) fan who still feels hard done by, watch this great v-log below.  Contrary to a popular belief held by every fucktard who wildly misreads the tone of my writing and thinks I’m trying to be Angry Video Game Nerd, I’m actually a pretty chilled, relaxed kind of guy, however I actually fucking hate v-logs with the passionate fury of a thousand suns, so if I’m actually telling you to watch a v-log, that means the content here was actually good enough to overcome my knee-jerk loathing of v-logs in general and that’s right up there with “that girl from that nugu k-pop group looks a bit like Raina” in terms of Kpopalypse recommendations.

Pledis won’t bring back After School because “there’s no money”

The story we all hear:

Pledis is broke!  Some After School members recently tweeted that they’d love to comeback but the label just can’t afford it!  Oh no!  Is Pledis in the red?  Will they go bankrupt?  Will After School have to work for a tenpro to make a living?  If so, does anyone have contact details on exactly where plus information on cheap flights and hotels in Seoul?

The reality:

There’s plenty of money.  There just isn’t money for After School.  Difference.  Pledis are if anything quite frugal – they’re certainly not the type to throw money out there unwisely (I know from experience that this is true – info in a forthcoming post) and an After School comeback isn’t needed right at this minute, and probably wouldn’t make money that the label aren’t already earning, so they’re not spending on it – instead they’re spending on the things that matter more right now.  There’s plenty of time for Orange Caramel who have come back about 57 times both as a group and with solo projects since the last After School promotional activities, because those OC girls are all crazy popular and all make a shit-ton of cash in endorsements.  There’s plenty of time to debut a new boy group called Seventeen with expensive-ass music videos too.   Contrary to their name and also disappointingly, Seventeen actually have only thirteen members, but that’s still a fucking lot and it takes serious capital to train and debut a group of that size – we’re talking millions spent before anybody even sets foot on a stage.  It probably took a solid few months of Nana doing back-to-back TV commercials to make that cash.

After School will probably get their turn, or they might not if the group falls apart or has some other behind-the-scenes internal issue, but the cold hard reality is that it really doesn’t matter much, Pledis are thinking about their future and the next steps, and if After School fits into those plans, they’ll get a comeback.  If not, they won’t.  If you’re a fan and that bothers you – oh well.

Why are Woollim hanging onto Seo Jisoo?

The story we all hear:

Right when girl group Lovelyz debuted, rumours sprang up about Lovelyz member Seo Jisoo being a buttplug-inserting blackmailing, sexcam-taping, puppy-kicking lesbian rapist which is one hell of a resume that pretty much guarantees her Kpopalypse support whether true or false.  Jisoo left the group for a while, obviously traumatised by the bullshit rumours, while the agency Woollim swiftly went around cracking skulls.  Then after her mental health hiatus Jisoo recently returned to the group, and out came a fresh crop of rumours right on schedule, coinciding with the groups’ activity just like Hwayoung’s titties popping out of some ill-fitting clothing whenever T-ara are about to come back.  Whether true or false, clearly Jisoo is a liability to the group’s image at this point – wouldn’t it be more sensible if Woollim got rid of her?

The reality:

If you were reading the above paragraph’s question and started thinking to yourself “yes, well actually, that seems reasonable” – congratulations, you win the Kpopalypse Worthless Oxygen Wasting Cunt Award for thinking like a Korean netizen by prioritising public image and superficial appearances over truth.

Woollim are hanging onto Jisoo for dear life for one really obvious reason that I can sum up for you in one word – Tablo.  Tablo was signed to Woollim who were unsupportive as fuck when all that “he didn’t really go to Stanford” Tajinyo bullshit happened which you can read all about at this excellent article here if you haven’t.  History hasn’t judged Woollim kindly on that front – forever now known as “that label that didn’t stand up strongly to the Tajinyo bulllies”, Woollim are understandably eager to show that they’ve learned from their previous mistake.  Woollim would also know for sure if the rumours are true or false, so the fact that they’re willing to go hardball as fuck by not only chasing the rumour spreaders and bringing Jisoo back into the group but even calling the new fucking album “Lovelyz8” signifying the complete lineup speaks volumes.

At worst, Jisoo is guilty of being homosexual and having a lover’s tiff which got a bit heated (hence the jilted ex-lover out for career-destroying revenge) – for dumb-dumb fangirls that might be a bit of a deal but within the industry itself that’s not even registering a blip on the give-a-fuck radar, so therefore nobody cares.  As for the media outlet “The Fact” who got involved, they used to be called “Sports Seoul” and they’re about as reliable as Allkpop when it comes to fact-checking, so take anything published there for what it’s worth, which isn’t much (people who read k-pop news sites often fail to take into account the credibility or lack thereof of the original Korean sources of the information).  But no way are Woollim going to fuck around with their business model any more than they absolutely have to.  Jisoo like all the other girls has had years of training invested in her and the company is not going to throw that money down the drain unless she did something actually really seriously wrong – and if she had, Woollim would probably let her go faster than you could say “spunkmop”.

THE THRILLING CONCLUSION

Now that we’ve looked at a few case studies, you might have noticed that there’s a common theme emerging here.  Or if you haven’t, allow me to point it out for you.  All of the above situations are easily justifiable from a business perspective and could be easily cleared up with a little bit of open and honest communication from the agencies concerned to the artist’s fanbases.  However, that’s not happening.  Why isn’t it happening?  Let me explain by way of a fun blind anecdote and share some of my personal experience.

Many years ago, I was hanging out at a venue with a singer in B, at the time a nationally well-known girl group in my country with a big teenage audience, they were riding high off the fame of a recent #1 hit single and doing some touring.  It was setup time before the show and we were both chatting in the venue’s front bar, passing time while lights and sound systems were being set up and tested.  She started checking something on the free Internet cafe in the bar and I asked her what she was looking at.  I could see it had her group B’s logo on it.

“Oh, just checking my group’s forum, our agency just set this up for us the other week.”

“Okay.  What’s on there?”

“Oh just a bunch of stupid shit.  Our fans are all fucking retarded, I swear.  The agency wants us to participate in it but I really couldn’t be fucked, it’s hard enough for me just to read it, I swear I can actually feel my brain cells dying one by one when I read their shit.”

“Really?”

She laughed.  “Sure.  Take a look.  What a bunch of losers.”

I had a look at the forum.  She was right, her fans were fucking stupid.  Thread after thread of incredibly inane shit, similar to and equally as bad as any k-pop forum I’ve ever seen.  There were one or two intelligent discussions on there but the rest of it was all shit and I mean total shit, a mixure of crazy fangirling and the absolute worst troll threads on OneHallyu, Allkpop forums etc.

I couldn’t help but empathise.  “I feel sorry for you, having to read this.  How often do the agency want you to check it?”

“Oh there’s no real rules – just whenever we can, not that I’ve got the time for this shit but I try and get to it if there’s a break or whatever.  The agency posts all the official stuff like news and so on, but they like it if we have a presence too, and the fangirls go crazy if you reply to them.  Man, if those girls only knew what we were really like… ”

I thought about some of the things I knew about her, like the various drugs that the group takes, their sexual habits and preferences, the massive amounts of infighting and friction within the group, how right at that moment one half of the group wasn’t even on speaking terms with the other half, and so on.  I could only nod my head in agreement.  No wonder the agency goes to great lengths to keep the inner workings of the group hidden – they’re worried that their very young fanbase couldn’t handle it… or that their parents couldn’t.

People who run K-pop agencies think you’re probably a fucking moron, and while you may in fact be very intelligent, because k-pop attracts a young audience the people behind it tend to assume that most of you won’t be intelligent.  Therefore, they don’t think you can handle the business perspective, so they won’t give it to you – they think you might use the information against them or to hate them or their group, so they go by a “the less we can get away with telling you idiots about what really happens, the better” policy instead.  Sometimes they may be right about that, sometimes not, but that is definitely how they feel, because they know that at least some of the audience are fucking morons who won’t get it so they play directly to the lowest common denominator of fangirl idiot.  You can see the utter contempt that k-pop labels have for the stupider levels of fans in their obviously written-while-taking-a-shit bullshit press statements and deliberate misinformation, they wouldn’t even write half of that shit if they thought you were an intelligent human who was able to think.  You can also see their contempt in the incredibly sloppy handling of events where you get herded around like dumb livestock, lied to and robbed, regardless of your age, income or intelligence level (of course that’s not restricted to just k-pop events, but k-pop events are particularly good at being bad, that is, when they even happen).  Organisers could handle events better but because they think you’re a little dumbass, only the barest minimum of effort and respect is given – if you’re lucky.  Agencies, promoters and people in the business want you to pay your money, give your attention when required and be as little bother to their business model as humanly possible, and they really couldn’t care less about explaining a damn thing unless it’s absolutely required.

Lucky there’s Kpopalypse who treats you like an intelligent thinking human adult and is willing to be a bit more candid and thoughtful on their behalf, hey?

Hey everyone, it’s Kpopalypse back again with more amazing life lessons to share with you lovely readers!  After the stunning success of my previous life lessons post, it seems that some k-pop fans are still struggling with life’s many challenges.  Thankfully, Kpopalypse is here to help all you caonimas achieve and succeed at life, this time with a little bit of help from Ailee!

Of course, it’s hard to get any k-pop fan to pay attention to anything these days if it doesn’t involve watching k-pop MVs, so that’s where Ailee comes in!  If there’s any k-pop idol out there who knows exactly what it’s like to get fucked around by some cocksmoking assholes it’s definitely Ailee, and to this end Ailee has been pretty good about making sure her MV directors insert plenty of important life lessons into her videos to help k-pop fans lead happy, fulfilling lives.  Let’s take a closer look and see what we can learn!

Super important warning: by necessity this post contains music video plot spoilers.  If you haven’t seen these videos before and you care deeply about following the stories, I suggest that you watch them before reading my text, just in case you get things spoilered for you and become upset…. hahaha, who am I kidding, nobody is fucking reading this shit.  You’re all either:

• Playing the videos and fapping to Ailee
• Looking up Ailee’s nudes and then fapping to Ailee
• Fapping to Ailee’s voice
• Throwing the device you’re reading this on across the room in disgust

…so I can pretty much say whatever I want here.  Also you might want to keep the volume knob close to hand for your own sanity as these songs vary in quality quite a lot.  Anyway let’s move onto the videos!

Heaven

To maintain a good relationship with your partner, it’s essential to know where the boundaries are set.  It’s important to understand the other person and cater to their needs and desires, but it’s equally vital to allow the other person to express their own individuality by both having your own lives outside of the relationship, not getting too close at times when it isn’t appropriate, and giving the other person their breathing room in which they can freely express themselves and be their own person.  Relationships which fail to incorporate these important aspects rarely last long!

In “Heaven” we see Ailee with her boyfriend, watching some footage of them on TV.  He’s clearly not really into it (it’s obvious by his expressions and body language) but he’s just staring at her.  Later on we see Ailee eating, and her boyfriend is staring at her again.  He’s already finished his meal, yet he won’t fucking leave the table and go and do his own thing, instead he obsessively watches her eat, counting every last calorie to make sure she adheres to her strict idol diet.  Then in the next scene, she’s reading a book and he’s talking to her and reading over her shoulder.  Ailee does her best to hide her irritation but clearly having her boyfriend hover over her being a jerkstick is bugging the shit out of her.  Finally, we see Ailee in bed, and her crappy boyfriend doesn’t even go down on her or jack off on her asscheeks or even give her a cuddle or a gentle goodnight kiss on the lips but just leaves her alone – the one time when he should be doing something proactive, he wanders off into the other room to play Call Of Warcraft or whatever.

The moral lesson is delivered at the end of the video, where Ailee swaps Mr Jerkus out for another upgraded boyfriend, and the ex smiles – he’s pleased.  Clearly he wanted to be dumped anyway, he was just too chickenshit to say anything, so he just acted like a crappy boyfriend until she finally had a gutful of his cloying neediness and impotence.  While that’s one way to get dumped he could have saved her a lot of heartache and himself a lot of League of Duty time by just walking the fuck out.  Mind you he also could have continued to feel Ailee’s boobies and pursued his dreams of being a pro gamer/oxygen-sponge if he actually stopped being such a nosy cunt prying into her private business right from the beginning.

I Will Show You

In 1978 the song “I Will Survive” was released by Gloria Gaynor, a single woman’s disco anthem all about telling your ex-boyfriend to fuck off when he turns up at your doorstep and wants you back because although it was hard at first you’ve gotten over him and you realise he’s a loser who plays Defence Of The Battlefield all day.  Ailee’s “I Will Show You” (aka the last song of Ailee’s “not complete shit” period) obviously rips off “I Will Survive” musically, with the sad forlorn introduction about missing some douchebag giving away to disco-rockin’ female independence.  Thematically the songs are similar too, but the video for Ailee’s song has an important twist.  At the start of “I Will Show You”, a very deglamorised, nerdy and yet smoking hot Ailee mopes about because her ex is fucking some new chick.  Then the whole “I don’t give a fuck about you” Gloria Gaynor routine starts as Ailee transforms into a independent, liberated and somewhat less-hot, tackily dolled-up version of herself who yells and waves her arms a lot.  Now that Ailee has uglified herself down to his level, the hapless guy realises he’s fucked up and lost his chance at love, so he pursues Ailee his one true soul mate.  After she toys with him, ignoring his advances, spitting on him, punching him in the chest and all that fun stuff, eventually she says “fuck it, I’ve tortured him enough, I think he’s got the point now” and takes him back.

The lesson here is that people always want what they can’t have, and people always look more desirable when they’re unavailable.  Unlike the Gloria Gaynor song where she seriously straight-up hates the dude and wants him to get the fuck out for good, Ailee’s “independent woman” routine was just a fake-ass act to make him think that she was unattainable and therefore desire and want her back more.  Of course once they got back together he’d no doubt be reminded exactly of why he dumped her in the first place (probably all that waiting patiently in the studio lounge while she spent hours overdubbing her own fucking voice 57 times on every song) and they’d probably split up again for good this time, but with any luck he got to blow his load on her tits Seungri-style a few more times.  Use this knowledge to your advantage when you start pining for that ex who was a total cunt to you – he/she is probably still a cunt, but cunts look a lot prettier when you’re not directly reminded of all the shit they used to do that pissed you off, like singing Beyonce’s ultra-crap “Crazy In Love” as if it’s in any way listenable or worthy of use as anything other than a torture device.

Singing Got Better

There’s a common business expression that’s particularly prevalent in the music business – “don’t shit where you eat”.  This expression bothers a lot of uptight cunts but it’s actually very practical and useful advice, and what is translates to for musicians is “don’t fuck anybody in your own group”.  The reason for it is fairly obvious – if the sexual relationship breaks up, the musical relationship will either also break up, or become so poisoned that it’s not worth the heartache of gritting your teeth and continuing with.

There’s another disadvantage of being in a group with your sexual partner, and that is that you have to be around each other all the fucking time.  Relationships benefit from a bit of time away from each other to get some perspective, but when you live together AND you work and travel together it’s hard to escape – it can all get a bit much unless you’re the extremely clingy lovey-dovey type (and then it’s probably going to get too much for the other person after a while).  Too much close proximity can cause you to lose your rational perspective of events.

Ailee isn’t behaving particularly rationally in “Singing Got Better”, she’s clearly losing perspective from overexposure to her creative partner.  At the start of the video, Ailee is clearly dressed for her partner’s funeral, then we go onto a flashback section where she’s working with her boyfriend songwriter.  While songwriting, the guy she’s with starts eating some fucking slop, after swallowing a mouthful he realises that he is eating pure shit.  Ailee however feeling sadistic from too many nights in the touring van putting up with his music taste insists on spoonfeeding him another few doses of gruel, which he calmly accepts but clearly isn’t very happy about, giving obvious fake smiles as he endures it for the good of the signing partnership.  Later, he’s seeing off a female friend with a polite kiss and as she is leaving Ailee arrives and sees them together.  Ailee being all irrational and shit naturally assumes that they’re fucking, but actually he was just confiding in her about Ailee’s clingyness and weird insistence on treating him like he’s two years old with the whole creepy spoonfeeding thing.  Ailee gets mad, he tries to explain but she isn’t having any of it, she goes nuts and then obviously hires Way’s Girls to take care of the problem.  Songwriters, don’t become another statistic – friends don’t let friends sleep with band members, no matter how hot they are.

Mind Your Own Business

Seemingly inspired about equally by T-ara’s iconic anti-netizen smackdown and Johnny Noh’s morally sketchy piss-poor journalism-lite, “Mind Your Own Business” is pure revenge fantasy.  Kicking off with some maudlin bedroom scenes showing Ailee crying over Allkpop’s lost journalistic integrity, we move onto a scene where her picture-leaking ex-boyfriend is cornered in a parking lot by some Way’s Girls subordinates who proceed to vandalise his fuel-efficient economical SUV thus deducting several points from Allkpop’s environmental credentials.  Devastated by this loss to his reputation, the man calls the attention of the local constabulary who quickly detain the vandals in some stylish prison uniforms, while the murderous Ailee makes a gesture indicating that she will kick his ass when she gets out.  Security at the prison is craptacular, so the girls escape and trash Daniel Lee’s bedroom.  He walks in and Ailee burns the last remaining topless photo and then subjects Daniel to some genital violence, because if there’s one thing that always makes everything okay, it’s violating someone’s private parts.  The score now settled, the video ends.

When the Ailee nude photo leak happened, lots of people piped up with statements to the effect of “well she was stupid to pose for nude photos in the first place”, but when it’s your boyfriend for his “private collection” there’s a certain level of trust there that you don’t expect to see broken (and a big fuck you to all the guys out there who do break that trust, because you’re the reason why I can’t get any of my smart, streetwise girlfriends to pose nude for any photos that I take – goddamnit).  Of course she should have known that he was connected to Allkpop but you’ve got to remember that Allkpop was once a fine morally upstanding site so there’s no way she would have suspected such a thing to happen.  What’s also worth knowing is that nude picture scams are quite common in the modelling industry generally and scammers will prey on young hopefuls, dangling the carrot of paid employment in exchange for a few “sample pictures”, click here for details on how such a scam actually happens.  Pictures often just get kept for fap purposes but can in some cases be on-sold to porn sites, used in banner ads etc, you never know where they end up, and of course once it’s on the Internet it’s there forever somewhere, there’s no getting rid of it.  What happened to Ailee has probably happened to someone you know personally who is just too terrified or embarrassed to say anything.  Don’t get caught by sneaky picture scammers because not only can you not turn back the clock but when you get busted exacting revenge most prisons you get sent to afterward are slightly higher security and have somewhat more attentive guards than the one in Ailee’s MV.

Insane

Ailee’s latest video at the time of writing, “Insane” is one of those “one take” videos that k-pop are so fond of, although it’s not really one take because like most videos of this nature the director uses quick panning transitions to cheat the eye.  During the video, Ailee is sleeping in bed when some pervert comes along and tries to take a look at her in her underwear.  Disappointed to find out that she sleeps with a substantial amount of clothes on, the guy then spends the next three and a half minutes trying to escape the scene as Ailee chases him around a series of rooms, trying to disorientate him and wear him down with confusing movements and horrible balladeering.  These sophisticated self-defense techniques work well – the man is no match for Ailee, eventually he decides he’s had enough and he closes the door on her, deciding that he’ll try Gain’s room down the hall (classy-sexy sequel coming soon courtesy of Mystic89).

While the self-defense techniques used in this video are advanced and shouldn’t be tried by anyone not able to produce unpleasant ear-piercing caterwauling and erratic, confusing dance moves as effectively as Ailee, there’s something to be said for women learning basic self-defense skills.  Self-defense isn’t trendy for women at the moment, the prevailing politically correct attitude being “men should shape up their behaviour, women shouldn’t have to defend themselves” and that may even be true but until we live in fucking Disneyland there are going to be creeps out there so it’s good to know how to deal with them.  If you get really good you can even learn advanced moves like how to kick Daniel Lee in the nutsack.

Anyway that’s it for this blog post and hopefully you were all entertained and educated by these amazing life lessons!

This post contains the results of the Kpopalypse 2015 End Of Year Caonima Activity Survey!

There were nearly 600 responses to the survey, thanks to all the caonimas who enjoyed caonima survey activities!  Even though my readership has increased, the grand total of 588 completed responses was a little bit less participation than previous years – this is probably a result of my new survey software which doesn’t let the same person fill it out twice as I know that on previous surveys exceptionally bored people did multiple entries.  A new statistic which hasn’t appeared in Kpopalypse surveys before is completion rate, which held steady throughout the survey period at an impressive 92% – only 8% of respondents (48 in total) lacked the required determination levels to see the survey through to the end, and caonimas from 60 different countries participated!  Let’s get on with the results – read on for all the survey data that is true and factual!

Question 1: Hi! How are you? Answer in as much or as little detail as applicable.

Most of you were good!  Several people asked how I am – I’m good also!  Some answers to your questions and concerns:

Will there be any gif’s of Choa’s wardrobe malfunctions? – I feel like that’s a specialty of Zaku at Anti Kpop-Fangirl given that the most popular post ever in AKF is a Zaku wardrobe malfunction post.  I’ll leave covering this topic to the master!

I’m debating whether or not to spend $50 on imported chocolate that I have a yen for because it’s unavailable in my country. – DO IT.  Kpopalypse is pro-chocolate.

Do you like board games? – Yes!

A crazy girl is trying to fuck me and she’s kinda hot so what do? – I recommend that you hold out for a less crazy person.  Plenty of fish in the sea.

A great day today, huh?? I sure love Crayon Pop! The twins are adorable! Choa is so cute and innocent and would never harm anyone in any way!  Choa if you’re reading the results I ask that you return my three children to me safely. I’ve done all you asked for. – Reposting for your family’s safety.  Good luck.

I have compiled a playlist of sad kpop that includes plenty of Big Bang and 2NE1. What do you think of that? – I don’t think of that.

I’m ok, I’m a bit hungry though. Should I have cereal or eggs and toast? – Live dangerously.  Flip a coin.

I’m a childhood educator where I was told today by a child, “We like Pokemon cards but we don’t like you”. At the end of the day though, here I am. What is life? – This video may help!

I’m good, thanks for asking. Nobody ever asks these days. Well they do, but do they genuinely mean it tho? Or is it because we’re so conditioned to say so? Do you really mean to ask how are you? – Yes!  I ask this question every survey because I care about the welfare of my readers!  Although I would still blog if I had no readers, I’m very grateful for everybody who takes time out of their day to read my posts and do my surveys, even if they hate me!

On to the next question!

Question 2: How do you feel about doing another Kpopalypse survey?

Most people wanted to do the survey, or just wanted to see what was inside, which makes sense!  A bold 4% of you were willing to do the survey even though you hated every minute of it – thanks for your contribution!

Question 3: I’m using Polldaddy because Google Forms is broken as fuck. How do you feel about this?

Most of you didn’t care about my survey software issues and just wanted to be asked about rimming Joy’s ass.  Unfortunately for you, the survey didn’t have any questions about rimming Joy’s ass in it (apart from this one).  Feel free to add how you’d feel about rimming Joy’s ass below in the comments to this post to make up for the shortfall.

Question 4: Drag the text boxes up and down to rank the following in order of quality, from highest to lowest.

Apologies to those of you who didn’t like these “ranking” questions because you were doing them on your mobile phones where it’s really hard to drag the boxes up and down.  I didn’t realise this myself until I tried to access my own survey via a phone after people kept mentioning it and I realised that the format does indeed suck dick for phones.  In any event I randomised the order of answers in this question so that even if you had trouble dragging things, if you decided not to drag anything at all and skipped the ranking questions it wouldn’t bias any result in particular over multiple responses.  From most popular to least popular, the results are as follows.  Included is the “weighted ranking”, a lower number means more popular.

Hyosung’s boobs – 3.59

Seolhyun’s ass – 3.77

Joy’s thighs – 3.96

Kpopalypse’s humour – 3.99

Sulli’s prophylactics – 5.56

Anti K-pop-Fangirl’s author vetting process – 6.29

Ailee’s judge of character – 6.66

Hwayoung’s worth ethic – 6.73

Asian Junkie’s web host – 6.78

Bom’s surgeon – 7.41

I think “almost as popular as Joy’s thighs” should be my new slogan.  Also, confirmed proof that Allkpop is “The Great Satan”!

Question 5: This is (probably) a picture of Joy from Red Velvet.

Are you able to tell the Red Velvet members apart?

Sadly, my Red Velvet Identification Test post didn’t seem to help the majority of people.  Fortunately, a lot of you already knew the Red Velvet members well!  Cheers to you!

Question 6: How often do you read Kpopalypse posts?

Given that I don’t usually post more than twice per week, most people had a fairly logical reading ratio, although I do admire the people who have determination to check my posts more often than this!  Of course those who read my crap less than once per week may have missed the opportunity to complete the survey altogether, so this probably skews the results.  The 1% of you who found the survey through ESP, please share your secrets with the rest of us!

Question 7: People are always asking me shit about fancams but I really don’t give a flying fuck about fancams. Should Kpopalypse write more about fancams?

Most of you were under no illusions about your chances of getting fancam posts out of me, which was great to see!

Question 8: Given two selections in a multiple choice question of equal merit, which would you pick?

I had the answer “the second option” listed as the first option, and vice versa, causing some of you much psychological distress.  I appreciate those who struggled on through this question and completed the survey.

Question 9: What completely non k-pop related topic would you like to see Kpopalypse devote an entire overlong pointless post to?

It’s well know that cats win the Internet so I wasn’t surprised that they also appeared at first place here, however I was quite amazed by the amount of people who actually wanted to know more about Australian politics, which trailed felines by only three votes!  Dan Akroyd is now unsubscribing from Kpopalypse blog.

Question 10: Rank these apocalyptic scenarios in terms of likelihood, from most likely to least likely.

We all know that the apocalypse will come one day – but how will it happen?  Here’s the results of the next ranking question, along with weighted ranking values, with most likely scenario at the top:

JYP whispers his own name at a subatomic particle and creates a black hole, swallowing the Earth – 3.23

Shit music disease from multiple simultaneous trap comebacks infects the human race and turns everyone into maggots – 3.54

Artificial intelligence hears Red Velvet’s “Dumb Dumb“, decides humans are a bunch of dumb-dumbs and kills us all – 3.74

Excessive SM box MV manufacture influences climate change-triggered apocalyptic weather event which wipes out 99% of humanity – 3.92

Seo In Young poses with Taeyeon for a magazine, the voids under their bras collide and Earth fries in the resulting dark matter explosion – 4.42

Chain reaction Fukushima nuclear power plant explosion poisons all parts of the Earth not covered by SM box material – 4.45

New 2NE1 album is released in 2016 and is actually decent, billions die in shock – 4.67

Looks like the world could end in any number of ways, however CL probably won’t be involved – this time.

Question 11: Here is a picture of IU.

What is IU most likely to be thinking in the above picture?

Results were reasonably even but a greater amount of people felt that IU was thinking about Eunhyuk’s pearly gifts.

Question 12: Rate the following properties of Kpopalypse’s writing in terms of your personal enjoyment.

Most people seems to like all aspects of Kpopalypse apart from fap material, which scored a “meh” overall.  Is this because I don’t really care that much about writing basic fap posts so I rarely do it, because you’re not seeing the type of fap posts that you’d like to see, or it is because my readers don’t like fap material in general?  Maybe a question for a future survey!

Question 13: What religion are you?

I made sure that I included what I felt were all the important mainstream religions in society today, but I also put in an “other” category so nobody felt left out, just to be fair to anybody who was into some strange cults or whatever.

Question 14: Are you an honest person? (TIP: answer carefully – this is probably a trick question.)

An honest person would tell the truth and answer “yes” to this question.  A liar on the other hand would lie, and answer “yes” to this question.  That’s why there was only one option for this question.  I’m sure you’re all honest anyway and only upstanding honest truthful people read Kpopalypse.  By getting you to answer this question I could be assured of the accuracy of all the other questions.

Question 15: This is a picture of Seo Jisoo from Lovelyz.

How does Kpopalypse cope with the emotional burden of always picking the correct side in a k-pop scandal?

Most of you picked the correct answer as Kpopalypse does not do recreational drugs (except chocolate)!  However all human experience, including listening to Lovelyz, is converted to chemical reactions in the brain so it could be argued that drugs is also a correct response.  The picture of Seo Jisoo was just there to remind you that if a news outlet actually has to change their name to “The Fact” to legitimise themselves, they probably publish a lot of lies.

Question 16: How do you feel about Seo Jisoo returning to Lovelyz?

Most people weren’t Lovelyz fans but were still happy to hear the good news.  I didn’t bother putting in any negative options as part of my continuing quest to promote positivity in the world of k-pop and banish negativity and cynicism.

Read the following carefully and make sure you understand it.  There will be a question about it later.

Many people thought I was trolling with this, but a few of you picked up that it was actually directly related to a later question.  I guess a lot of people didn’t read it carefully enough.  Feel free to read it carefully again now in case you didn’t understand it earlier when you did the survey.

Question 17: Social Justice Warrior corner! Which important social justice issue would you like to see confirmed SJW Kpopalypse cover next? As these issues are all very important, you can choose multiple answers for this question if you wish.  (TIP: those with a slim grasp on their own sexual identity may feel threatened by this question.  Kpopalypse recommends a cold shower while repeating the mantras “I am not a faggot bitch” and “I did not masturbate to the answers”.)

Survey participants could choose multiple answers, but had to pick at least one.  Here’s what you selected, from the most popular answers downward:

How we need more global warming to make the planet hotter so people take off more of their clothes more often and see each other’s naked bodies glistening in the heat and are more tempted to have gay sex – 250 votes

How there needs to be more global conflict so men in sexy uniforms can bunk more with other men and potentially have gay sex – 212 votes

How global population needs to increased unchecked so each individual human has more potential gay sex partners – 203 votes

How nuclear power needs to increase so there are more nuclear accidents and humans all get infected with radiation, then we will glow in the dark and it will be easier to see each other while hooking up in dingy nightclubs for gay sex – 188 votes

How guns are great because penetrating other people with hard objects is similar to gay sex – 179 votes

How clubbing baby seals needs to continue so gay people can watch horrifyingly graphic documentaries about it while they cuddle up together on the couch comforting each other, which may lead to gay sex later – 173 votes

How fossil fuel use needs to be increased globally so humans continue to have access to the byproducts of petroleum production to make dildos for gay sex – 155 votes

It looks like according to readers global warming is the one thing most needed to make the world a better place for gay people.  Let’s keep burning those fossil fuels so we can have more gay sex for everyone!  Gosh it feels good to be making a difference.  If only two gay people get laid as a result of this post, it was all worth it… *wipes away tear in corner of eye*

Question 18: Do you like J-pop?

Although I was curious as to the answer of this question, I also didn’t want to place any of my readers in the awkward position of actually having to admit that they liked J-pop.  I have too much respect for all of you to do that to any of you, so I think these survey options were a good compromise.

Question 19: Do you like K-dramas?

I honestly didn’t expect K-dramas to get a slightly cooler reception than J-pop, but there you go.  Another survey, another opportunity for Kpopalypse to be learning stuff about his readers!

Question 20: This is a picture of T-ara.

When I started blogging, I made a promise to consistently post gratuitous pro T-ara content until people learned to be nicer to them, as a way to counterbalance the dumb T-ara hatred everywhere on the Internet at the time (late 2012) plus annoy everyone.  Should I continue to do this?  Pick the response that most closely matches how you feel.

Results were fairly even here, with “I like T-ara” being the most popular choice by a slim margin.  Note that the third and fourth responses were exactly tied with 20% of the vote each.  No option for a “no” response was given because I know that you’d all rather prefer I continue to write about T-ara.

Question 21: Which group or person should be featured in upcoming Kpopalypse fanfictions?

Martina and BTS were the clear losers here, whereas Sulli was the most popular choice by a reasonable amount.  Berry Good collected the highest amount of “meh”.

Question 22: Rank the nine different types of Kpopalypse post in order of preference, from most to least preferred.

How you ranked each category in terms of preference, from most popular to least popular, with weightings:

Trufax – 3.66

Reviews – 3.68

Technical – 4.06

Fap – 5.11

Kpopalypse-specific – 5.40

Cao Ni Ma – 5.42

Interviews – 5.55

Fiction – 5.87

Nugu Alert – 6.08

For contrast, here’s what’s actually generated traffic to my site over the past week that the survey was active, sorted by category:

Kpopalypse knows what you sneaky cao ni mas are really up to… and to think you all answered question 14 with “yes”, tsk tsk!  It’s okay though, Kpopalypse forgives you and knows that you’re only human.  Please now put away the lube just for the moment and continue to read the rest of these survey results.

Question 23: Would you be interested in daily/almost daily content if it was shorter, i.e video reviews and small opinion items similar to what other sites do, if it didn’t intrude on the existing longer content?

I’m leaning toward “no” personally (for the reasons shown) but I was curious as to what you readers thought.  It seems that a lot of people would appreciate daily content, but it’s hardly a unanimous feeling – is it worth changing the way I do things?  I’m thinking probably not, however maybe a small move in this direction (say, a weekly recap/review feature similar to what some other AKF authors do, but just for Kpopalypse blog only so as to prevent double-up) might be an idea.  I’m still thinking about whether this is a good idea, so feel free to add your own thoughts about this below in the comments.

Question 24:

Thoughts?

The answer was a free text field, but many responses were similar so I’ll briefly summarise the most popular types of response in pie-chart form:

People comparing Hyangni’s “Be My First Love” to Kyary Pamyu Pamyu were clearly getting swayed by how the video looked rather than how it sounded, Kyary’s strictly conservative J-pop-by-numbers sounds nothing like this!  Mind you, I only asked for “Thoughts?” and didn’t specify whether I wanted you to talk about music or visuals, so it was a shit question really – hint, hint, ask.fm users.  Personally I only like the song’s unusual turn at the two minute mark, the rest of it leaves me a bit cold, but then I’ve heard plenty of shittier songs released that year.  Condolences to all the Germans who missed out on the fun thanks to GEMA, you’d think that country’s government would have learned something in the last century or so about controlling other people’s lives but I guess not.

Question 25: Crystal ball time, test your super future prediction skills! In 2018, how many members will EXO have?

Most of you weren’t very hopeful about EXO staying together, probably a reasonable assumption given the current rate of members leaving – or maybe it’s just wishful thinking from people who don’t like the group.

Question 26: Why is Kpopalypse so rude?

Many readers did their research on Kpopalypse and worked out that Australians are just all a bunch of cunts.

Thanks for completing the Kpopalypse survey!

This picture of cao ni mas experiencing cao ni ma love was included at this point in the survey to thank the 92% of readers who bravely slugged through the survey content.

Question 27: What was the most perplexing thing about this survey?

Hopefully this question was enough to motivate some of you to be more proactive about your life.

Question 28: If you have any other feedback for Kpopalypse that this survey didn’t give you the opportunity to give, please use the following text box to do so. This text box is optional.  DISCLAIMER: feedback may be used for good or evil.

The final question wasn’t really a question, just an open-ended invitation for you to put down whatever you wanted, or even nothing at all.  Some answers to your questions and concerns:

If you find, idk, some way to incorporate Red Velvet’s Dumb Dumb into a post, that’d be appreciated. – actually it’s been incorporated into quite a few Kpopalypse posts already, including this one!

I’m really hungry but I’m a poor NEET and the only thing I have is rocky road ice cream. Should I eat it? – Yes!  Starvation could lead to death!

More interation with kpopfap subreddit. – Unforunately, posting my fap posts there probably doesn’t meet their rules.

I am a youtube whore, i click on all sorts of suggestions and recommendations in search of stuff i have never heard before. I have been consistently delighted by your nugu alerts. I could pretend, um, *remember* you care about feedback and suggest some myself. – anyone with suggestions for Nugu Alert, please use my ask.fm and don’t forget the Nugu Alert rules (less than 20,000 hits for any of the artist’s videos).  If I don’t respond, don’t worry – that’s usually a good sign rather than a bad one, it means I’ve added your video to the list for consideration.

is it just me or was this survey shorter than the previous one? running out of questions? – it’s just you, but if you’re still not sure you can check here.

FUCKING REVIEW SOME JAPANESE ROCK BANDS, I TYPE THIS EVERY SURVEY GODDAMN – and I ignore it every survey for a reason, this isn’t j-rockalypse

You’re perfect. Don’t change. Stay golden, Ponyboy. – cheers!

I hate the rating stuff. I was on my phone and it took forever. – yeah I might completely scrap or at least reduce the number of ranking questions next time  just because of their phone-unfriendliness.  Sorry about that, I didn’t realise how much of a pain in the ass they were going to be.

This is “Netizens”. I don’t comment often, but thanks for the time you put into your articles and posts. That includes your comments on other websites like netizenbuzz. Watching those people get upset by your thoughts and logic is almost as enjoyable as this survey. Almost. – glad you’re enjoying my content!

why do all you people care about is sex and dirty side of kpop. You ruin it for people like me. Sorry. – sex isn’t dirty.  Your attitude to sex has been corrupted by society.  I’m trying to help you see the light.  Don’t hate your natural bodily functions and desires, they are not dirty, they are in fact holy and should be celebrated.

Once again, thanks for all the trufax and extinguishing BS from the kpop fandom, plus fanfiction and other goodies. Also, I realized one reason I like your blog in particular: you might say that X song is bad, but you don’t say others have shit taste or make them feel bad for liking what you don’t like. So actually, you aren’t a rude cunt at all! Hahahaha. Others just need to lighten up and have a sense of humor. – trufax!

This is the only kpop blog (or any blog in fact) which I follow and routinely check for updates everyday. Btw, what does kpopalypse oppar think about his sasaengs?-KpopalypseSasaeng – I love you all!  Just don’t mail me any menstrual products or stalk my dorm thank you.

More SJW content please. It’s hot reading you going all SJW-ish. That’s what I really fap to. I mean it. – I’ll see what I can do.

More T-ara. – Eunjung picture at the bottom of this post just for you.

I like hearing your opinions, not because I always agree with them, but because you actually have your own. Please continue never using the word slay. – thanks!

Fuck you – no u

Keep up the blog, it’s the best kpop related blog around. Special mention for the technical posts, something nobody else does (at least not in this way) and it’s really instructive for non-musician fans to learn and stop saying shit around and learning to recognize and judge properly the ones who do. Thanks! – cheers!

pls notice me oppa – you are officially noticed, feel free to now bask in the validation

Bring back Sulli_fag. – you’ll have to take that issue up with the Anti Kpop-Fangirl admin team, I’m only a writer on that site and I have no say in their author lineup or what gets posted besides what I post there myself.

This was my first Kpopalypse survey and it was a blast. Though we don’t agree on everything (I liked Orange Caramel’s Cookies Cream & Mint and K.Will+Mamamoo’s Peppermint Chocolate) your entertainment does meet required standards so it’s all good. Keep up the good work! – glad you enjoyed!  There will be another survey like this every 6 months!

What are your thoughts on SHINee (both the members and their music)? – both of these topics have been covered in previous posts more than once, time to do some searching!

I wish you a day more pleasant than motorboating Hitomi Tanaka. –  gosh, I’m honoured, this is possibly the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a survey!  Thank you!

Thanks for staying woke, you keep me from getting too caught up in the glitz and mostly artificial happiness of the kpop world. I also appreciated how you included a question about supporting T-ARA and then slipped in the cha euntak thing in. I mean, you weren’t lying… there totally was a question about that later. Also, question 8 was really clever. I had fun answering this, so thanks, and have a nice day! – You’re welcome!

Thanks again to everyone who did the Kpopalypse 2015 End Of Year Caonima Activity Survey!  Kpopalypse will return at a future date with more stuff and things!

Some of you have been clicking on Suhyun for no reason… but have you missed anything?  Here’s a list of (almost) all the websites that were featured on the clickable sidebar Suhyun over the past year, just in case you missed any of the fun.  Enjoy!

TEXT PARTICLES

COOKIE CLICKER

BUILD A SQUID

BOXCAR 2D

CLICKER HEROES

CAT TRAINER

SECRETS FOR NICOTINE

SOCIAL OBLIGATION SIMULATOR

PROCATINATOR

GEOKITTEN

MONOTUNES

ASTROHAMSTER

BONUS DUCKS

PAC-TXT

FORESTATION

MANYLAND

TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLO

SLOGANIZER

PIMP THAT SNACK

BRING IN THE CATS

HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN FAN OF BLACK METAL

AAAAAAAAA!

Z-TYPE

CATS MEOWING

PERPETUAL PIZZA

GIBBERISH GENERATOR

FACTSLIDES

DULLEST BLOG

GOOGLE FEUD

VERYMAN

THE CRYSTAL BALL

CLICK CLICK CLICK

RAINYMOOD

AGAR.IO

PENGUINS

IT’S A DOOR ABLE

CAN’T TOUCH THIS

WHAT A CLICK

THE MOST AMAZING WEBSITE ON THE INTERNET

SUGAR SUGAR 3

MOST AWESOMEST THING EVER

TEXTER

SURREALIST COMPLIMENT GENERATOR

FINDING HOME

THE INFINITE CAT PROJECT

POWDER GAME

FRIDGE MAGNETS

JACK THE FABRIC RIPPER

BLACK HOLE FILLER EXTREME

X-WING

FREE CHOCOLATE

LINE RIDER

AIRSICK BAG MUSEUM

MINEDRAFT

WE BUY ANY CAT

DON’T HUG ME I’M SCARED

CRASH

Sidebar Suhyun has now been replaced by a new “no reason” sidebar girl, Umji of Gfriend, who will carry the torch of pointless clicking into the next 12 months!  Thanks for visiting!

Emotionally detaching yourself from a k-pop idol might be something for which you require guidelines.

For this tutorial, you will need:

Let’s begin.

1. Realise that you have a problem.

Perhaps you notice yourself falling in love with a k-pop idol, or perhaps you have been in love with a k-pop idol for a length of time already.  It could be an idol such as Gfrend’s Umji, shown above for illustrative purposes, or it could be another idol, male or female, young or older.  Does your infatuation with an idol represent a problem for you?  Consider the following questions:

• Is comparing other people to your idol preventing you from having normal relationships?
• Is spending money on your idol putting your financial position in jeopardy?
• Is the time taken to track your idol’s activities interfering with work, household activities or sleep?
• Is the topic of your idol the only conversation point of interest to you in your daily life?

If your answer to any one of these questions is yes, then you have a problem, and this tutorial can help.  (If your answer to all of the above questions is yes, then you’re probably too far gone and your brain is likely only good for mincing up and turning into dog food, but feel free to use this tutorial anyway in the unlikely chance of regaining some small semblance of mental functionality.)  Chances are that you have already reached the first step, which is why you are reading this post.  Congratulations, recovery is only a few more simple steps away!

2. Confront your fear.

Once you realise that you have a problem, fear is a natural response.  Fearful thoughts may include (and may not be limited to) any of the following:

• How much will I be emotionally hurt if I give up my idol?
• If the recovery process is lengthy, can I cope or will I turn to binging on jelly snacks?
• What if I fail and relapse, clinging to the idol even harder, will I be doomed?
• Can I cope with the humiliation of admitting I’m a spasticated fangirl bitch?
• Will my k-pop peer group ostracise me now that I’ve realised they’re all retards?

It’s natural to have these thoughts, but there is only one effective way to deal with fear which is to tackle the issue head-on.  Running from your fears means that they control you, but being proactive puts you in the driver’s seat of your own fear.  Once you are in control of your fear, you are empowered to drive your fear off a cliff Grand Theft Auto style – and hopefully hit some fangirls at the bottom for extra style points.

3. Realise that your idol does not actually want you in their personal life.

Sure, idols definitely like and are grateful for their fans, because fans are an idol’s bread and butter.  Without fans, there is no celebrity status and without celebrity status there’s no sponsors rocking up on the company doorstep to present your idols with a big wad of cash to advertise snack food they’re not allowed to eat.  However, your idol does not want to have a personal relationship with you, for the following reasons:

• You’re nuts
• No, really – you’re fucking nuts.  Do you even know how crazy you are?
• You’re not a celebrity so they can’t relate to you
• They don’t have the time
• They don’t want to lose their virginity oops too late
• They don’t want to be perceived as promiscuous by a hypocritical public

Notable exception: if you’re Seungri.  Seungri will probably fuck you.  The rest of them, not so much, so quit dreaming.

4. Set a realistic goal.

It’s important not to overextend.  Going “cold turkey” on your idol might seem ideal but isn’t suited to everyone and could result in a powerful relapse where you spend days on end drooling over fancams and SNS messages with no sleep.  It’s okay to wean yourself off your idol crush slowly but surely, try using these techniques:

• Still look at their pictures but unfollow their social networking accounts
• Listen to the music of other groups occasionally
• Plan a big night out to coincide with your idol’s livestreamed performance or TV appearance
• Make a conscious effort to be less of a drooling, shambling fuckwit

5. Get a hobby (besides k-pop, you dumbass).

It will take time to wean yourself off your idol crush, so you could probably use some non-k-pop-related mental distraction.  Umji demonstrates the ever-practical hobby of collecting twigs in plastic bags above, however not all hobbies are ideal.  There are some hobbies you may wish to avoid as they may just serve to remind you of k-pop and your crush and are therefore not considered hobbies for the purposes of this tutorial.  Examples:

• Dancing
• V-logging
• Forum trolling
• K-pop blogging
• Photography
• Clothing design
• Hair styling
• Prostitution
• Chart manipulation
• Jelly snacks
• Duckface selca-taking

6. Focus on the future

Instead of thinking about your past of loving your idol, try to imagine life without your k-pop idol by focusing on the future.  Exciting future events that you can look forward to include:

• The outcome of the US/Russian proxy war in Syria
• A forthcoming alien invasion staged from Australia
• The impeding death/rebirth of the universe
• The next video by JAV actress Hitomi Tanaka

Just be careful not to confuse “the future” with “Chad Future“, or you may find yourself back where you started.

7. Be patient

Don’t expect success straight away, it takes time to get over heartbreak!  Falling out of love with your idol crush won’t happen overnight, but it will happen!

As it’s coming up to Halloween, here’s a scary k-pop themed horror fanfiction for you all to enjoy!  Have fun reading and don’t worry, Kpopalypse doesn’t do jump scares!

Picture this.

You’ve a young female music fan living with your parents and attending senior year of high school.  You’ve always liked pop music TV shows, like [insert country here] Idol, X Factor and The Voice.  Although it’s obvious to you that to a degree these shows are fake and manufactured, they nevertheless warmed your cynical heart – in such a commercial industry seemingly so image-focused, just the sheer premise that talent mattered meant something to you.  You might not always like the songs, or even the singers, and definitely not the decisions of the judges, but you could certainly listen and appreciate the artistry of a talented vocalist excelling at their craft.

Then something new happened.  You discovered and fell in love with k-pop.

You spent the first month of your interest in k-pop discovering the many outlandishly lavish music videos and getting blown away by the catchy songs.  After a while however you noticed something – while the videos were almost universally great, the live performances were usually a disappointment.  Certainly not in terms of dance or staging, but vocally – k-pop performers really aren’t all that good as live singers, for the most part.  It’s frustrating to watch k-poppers sing over backing tracks that contain their own voices, why don’t they sing over instrumental versions of the tracks instead?  Are they hiding something, perhaps just coasting along and letting the backing track’s vocal do the heavy lifting?  Thus began an obsession with the science of vocal pedagogy, MR Removed videos, and finding/stanning the absolute best singers in k-pop, after all how can you stan anyone who isn’t truly talented?  You’re not interested in becoming a singer yourself, you just wanted to make sure you’re supporting true talent.

A year into your life as a k-pop fan and now you have a large forum presence and your own blog dedicated to k-pop vocals, frequently visited by many people with the same obsessions – you’re fully absorbed into the world of the k-pop vocal analyst.  It’s little wonder that when you see the following advert circulating around all the vocal forums you visit, your heart starts racing:

After spending a while to calm down, you read through some of the forum discussions about this topic.  After all, it pays to research.  There’s so many scams out there, one has to be careful.  Would Ailee really host a k-pop vocal camp?  Is it too good to be true?

Taeyeonfap666 – this sounds great but there’s obviously going to be a ton of us wanting to go to this and only limited places.  It’s probably very expensive, I bet the people who get to go are all rich.

Bomsux – I’d do it just to meet Ailee, she’s the best vocalist in k-pop for sure.  Or nearly the best.  Please don’t argue about it just for once, everyone.

Istantruvocals – what exactly is a “k-pop vocal fan camp”?  We don’t have to sing, do we?  Please don’t make us sing, Ailee, I just want to listen to your amazing voice.

Freeminzy2NE1 – I hate it how k-pop events don’t tell you everyone who will be at the event.  Don’t they want the extra sales from fans?  Seems dodgy.

KRYing4Suju – I went to one of these last year hosted by Kyuhyun from Super Junior, it was pricey but unforgettable and totally worth the money, it really helped me with a lot of questions I had, definitely a life-changing positive experience.  I can afford the cost but I’m not sure if I can afford to take a week out of my life, although if it was Kyuhyun again and not Ailee I probably would.  Sorry, Ailee fans!

Yoloswag420 – I heard Jimin from AOA is going to be the keynote speaker at this.  I can’t wait.

Davichiwonderland – I’m going to this, I don’t care what I have to do!  I don’t care how much it is!  Anyone wanting my spot will have to fight me!

The general consensus among the vocal fan forum community seems to be that the event is legit, but pricey.  It figures – surely everyone would want to go, and seven days of accommodation and food plus meeting k-pop stars, the costs to put on such an event must be through the roof!  You look further on the event’s website, the event organisers even include transport from Incheon Airport into the cost, all you have to do is buy a plane ticket and turn up at the airport, they do everything else!  The economics don’t bear thinking about, but what does bear lots of thinking about is that you’ve got the savings to go to this.  All you need is your parents’ permission.

You wander into the dining room, where your mother and father are talking after dinner.

“Mum, can I go to this?  It’s in Korea, but… I have the money, and it’s school holidays” – you show her a printout of the advert.

Your mother looks the advert up and down.  “This is in Korea?  And you’ll be gone for a week?  No, definitely not!”

You look to your father.  “Dad?”

Your father sighs, and looks at the advert for a long time.  He then looks at your mother and takes her hand.  “You know… I honestly think we should let her go.  It’ll be good for her independence to travel, and it’ll teach her some new things.”  He winks at her.

Your mother is aghast and draws her hand away from his.  “No way!  She’ll be alone in a strange country!  I’m not letting her go, anything could happen!”

An hour of arguing later, and they agree to let you go to the event, under the conditions that you keep in constant touch via social networking every night to let them know that you’re safe.  You couldn’t be happier!

—–

After an uneventful flight, you arrive at late afternoon through the gate at Incheon airport.  After you move through customs you see an older Korean man wearing a suit and holding a sign with your name on it.  You wave, walk over to him and introduce yourself.

“Hi, I’m here for the Ailee vocal camp!”

“Ah. welcome, good to see you!”, he replies, smiling warmly.  “I’ll be your driver.  How was your flight?”

“Good, I guess.  I’m really tired, but I can’t wait to get to the camp!”

“We will be there soon.  Come with me, we’ll collect your bags and then the drive is about one hour.”  The man motions silently for you to walk with him and you follow him to baggage claim.

At the baggage check you scan the conveyor belt for your luggage.  Feeling awkward, you decide to break the silence.

“What’s the Ailee camp like?” you ask.

“It’s interesting.” he replies.

“Interesting how?”

“You will not forget it.  A uniquely positive, life-changing experience!”  The driver smiles at you again, that same warm smile.

You spy your luggage and the driver helps you grab the bags, then ushers you out to a waiting van.  As you enter the van you notice that you and him are not alone, a girl a few years younger than you with long blonde hair sits in the van’s back seat, waiting.

“Hi, I’m Sarah!” says the young girl in a chirpy, rapid-fire voice.  She continues talking excitably with barely a breath as you settle into the vehicle and the driver starts moving.  “You might know me as Davichiwonderland on the forums, wow I’m so happy to be going to this!  Imagine meeting Ailee it’s going to be OH MY GOD SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE I can’t wait to ask her all about her singing and stuff, she’s the best, I really like her, oh except Haeri is maybe a little better because Davichi is my bias you know that’s why I’m Davichiwonderland but oh my gosh I’m just so excited and it’s so great to be here and how are you?  I’m so good I really like posting on the forum a lot and this is like living my dream and I get to meet Ailee and OH MY GOD I wonder who else is there, who do you think will be there besides Ailee?  I think it’s going to be IU I really think IU will be there that would be nice IU’s really nice too but I think Ailee is a bit better her voice has a bit more resonance you know and she has better vibrato because that’s important oh my god I’m so excited I haven’t eaten all day but I’m not even hungry because I’ve been thinking about this I didn’t get much sleep last night but I’m so excited right now and…”

You sigh and look at your phone.  59 minutes  and 13 seconds to go.

—–

59 minutes  and 13 seconds later, the sun has gone down and you’re still on the road.  Sarah is still talking.

“…and you know there was this girl on the forums and she said that Ailee is the best, but I’m not sure about that she’s good really good and I mean really good as in really really good but she’s not at Beyonce’s level who is just AMAZING or Mariah’s level and is just AMAZING too or she was before she stopped taking care of her voice because you know that’s important and so many singers don’t do that, I mean why wouldn’t you look after your talent rather than letting things side, you know I think there’s a lot of drugs and alcohol that singers do and they get the good life and they just start buying all the drugs and all the alcohol and having it all at once and that’s really bad for them so they have health problems and then they get dumped from their contracts because they can’t sing like before I think it’s a real issue I don’t know why people don’t take it more seriously because we’ve lost so many great singers all the time this way like Whitney Houston who had that crack habit from that asshole Bobby Brown who must really be a dirtbag she could have had anyone she wanted why did she pick that loser oh my god he’s such a douche and his music is bad too and he can’t even sing properly he like strains and everything it’s so painful to listeOH MY GOD, DRIVER IS THAT IT?  IS THAT WHERE WE’RE STAYING OVER THERE?  IS THAT IT?  OH MY GOD!” – the van starts noticeably slowing and Sarah points up ahead at an old mansion.

“Yes, this is it” says the driver, smiling.  You’re happy but you begin to wonder if he has more than one facial expression.

Sarah starts spazzing annoyingly.  “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL IT’S LIKE A PALACE WOW I CAN’T WAIT OH MY GOD WOW AILEE IS IN THERE AND EVERYTHING IT’S SO PERFECT THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZING”

The driver brings the vehicle to a stop and turns around in his seat, he looks Sarah dead in the eye, and his smile vanishes.

“Please be aware, that in Korean culture it is important to be silent before your elders.  When you see Ailee or any other staff you must be very quiet and speak only when spoken to, or she will see it as a sign of disrespect.  Disrespectful behaviour may mean that Ailee becomes upset, and you do not want Ailee to get upset.  Do you understand?”

Miraculously, Sarah shuts up.  You wish he had said this an hour ago.  The driver smiles again.  “I am glad that we have an understanding.  Please exit the vehicle.”

All three of you exit the vehicle and enter the building through the main doors, which lead into a small hotel-style reception area decorated with flowers.

“Glad to see the last stragglers have made it” says a lady in a formal suit, behind the reception desk.  She’s reading a newspaper and doesn’t even look up, she looks incredibly bored.

You recognise her instantly as Moonbyul from Mamamoo.  Fortunately, Sarah doesn’t recognise her so you’re spared and earful of spazzing.  Moonbyul points off to a doorway on her right.  “Everybody’s in there waiting”, she says.

You wait until Sarah is safely out of earshot and whisper to her: “Moonbyul?”

“Yes what is it?” she says, looking up from her paper from the first time, giving you a withering stare.

“You’re an idol – why are you a reception person?” you ask quietly.

Moonbyul rolls her eyes.  “That shit doesn’t pay the bills.  Now get going through the door, don’t hold things up any more than you already have.”

You move through the doorway into a large meeting room as Moonbyul resumes reading, muttering something under her breath.  You shut the door behind you.  In the meeting room there are several people sitting in a circle on chairs.  One of them is Ailee, all the others are girls and boys your age or younger.  Ailee looks amazing, like she does in all her videos, just as you’d imagined.  There is one vacant seat left, Ailee motions to it for you to sit down.

“Great!  Now we’re all finally here, we can get started!”  Ailee’s tone is a little irritated, but unlike Moonbyul she’s doing her best to hide it by smiling.  “So, I’m Ailee, as you know, and this is my k-pop vocal camp!  We’re going to learn lots of fun things about k-pop vocals and you’re going to get to meet all sorts of k-pop stars!  Are you excited?”

Everybody in the circle responds with an emphatic “yes”, except Sarah who says “yes oh my god yes oh yes I’m totally excited I just can’t wait oh my god”.  Ailee drops the smile off her face and stares down Sarah blankly until Sarah shuts up.  Ailee then instantly resumes smiling and continues.

“So.  We’ll get to the learning and all the complicated stuff.  For now, it’s late so let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves, then we can have some food and you guys can get some rest!  Starting from you and going around in a circle, tell the group a little about yourselves!”  She looks to the girl on her left.

“My name is Sally, and I’m 14 years old.  I like k-pop and I love good singers!”

“Feel free to be a bit more specific” Ailee prompts.

“Well… I really like YOU, and I like BoA, and…”

“BoA?” Ailee interjects, raising her eyebrows.  “Okay, that’s enough.  Next person, tell us about yourself.”  She motions to a slightly chubby guy who seems a little nervous.

“Hi, I’m David, and… do I have to give my age?”

“You’re telling the story”, Ailee replies.

“Okay, I’m 16… well, 16 and a half if you go by Korean age…”

“Nobody cares about Korean age.  Be relevant” quips Ailee.

“Okay, sorry… um, and I really like Sistar and Hyolyn especially, because…”

Ailee interrupts, cutting David off.  “Tits, right?  You can say it.  Because of her tits.”

David stares at Ailee, dumbfounded.

“Repeat after me, David.  ‘I like Hyolyn because of her tits’.  Go, your turn, say it.”  Ailee stares at David with no discernable emotion.  David spends a few seconds stammering, he doesn’t want to say it in front of her, his face goes quickly red.  After about five seconds Ailee gives up.  “Forget it.  Next!”

Sarah is next.  “Hi I’m Sarah and I’m so happy to be here and this is going to be so wonderful and OH MY GOD AILEE I LOVE YOU YOU’RE THE BEST!  CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?  CAN I TAKE A SELCA WITH YOU?  YOU’RE SO PRETTY OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR LONG HAIR AND YOUR LIPS AND YOUR VOICE IS SO AMAZING AND I THINK EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS GREAT AND…”

The door that you came through opens.  Moonbyul appears and looks at Sarah with a puzzled expression.  Sarah can’t see Moonbyul because of Sarah’s position in the circle.  Ailee and Moonbyul give each other a little nod.  Moonbyul taps Sarah on the shoulder and Sarah turns around.

“Hey, you’re Davichiwonderland, right?” she asks, smiling for the first time.

“Yes that’s me oh my god you know who I am?” Sarah replies.

“Yes, sure!” says Moonbyul, smiling.  “Hey you know what, I’m going to pull you out of this group and we’ll return later, okay?  You want to meet Haeri, right?”

“OH MY GOD HAERI FROM DAVICHI IS ACTUALLY HERE??!?  OH MY GOD WOW YES YES YES” – Moonbyul puts her hand over Sarah’s mouth, and then puts her finger up to her lips indicating Sarah to be silent.

“Haeri doesn’t like loud noise much, so you have to be very quiet.  Do you know she has a hearing condition?  Loud noises can really hurt her so try not to be loud okay?  Anyway come with me, we’ll go to meet her now, she’s just a few rooms down the hall.” Moonbyul and Sarah disappear off together.  Ailee clears her throat.

“Right, sorry about that interruption.  Okay, next person, tell us about yourself!”  Ailee points to a girl with bobbed hair who looks about your age.

“Hi, I’m Amy and I run the forum about k-pop vocal analysis, I’m 17 years old and I’ve been studying vocal pedagogy since…”

“Oh, you’re one of those people” Ailee interjects.  “I see.  I see” she says slowly, nodding to herself.

“What?” asks Amy.

“Oh, nothing.  Keep going.  Tell us more.”

Amy starts talking.  “So I really got into vocal pedagogy when…”

Ailee puts up the palm of her hand quickly.  “Actually no, stop there.  Next person!”  It’s your turn.

“Actually I like vocal pedagogy too, it’s neat” you say.

“Oh great!” Ailee smiles.  “Saves me the trouble.  Next!”

You breathe a sigh of relief while the next person starts talking about himself, a young skinny guy.

“I’m Mark and I’m 13 years old.  I really like T-ara and…”

Ailee interrupts again.  “Why do you like T-ara?  Your balls don’t look like they’ve dropped, have they really?”

“I just like the…”

“Sure you do.  Do you jerk off?”

“What?”

“You heard me.  Do you jack it?”

“What?”  Mark looks confused, he doesn’t know what to say.

“I bet you do.  I bet you jack off all the time.  Every day, wake up, jack off, go to school, jack off, come home, jack off, jerk it jerk it jerk it all fucking day.  Try not to mess up the sheets too much tonight, someone has to clean those.  Next!”  Ailee motions to the last person in the circle.

“Hi, my name is Leanne and I’m 15, and I really like singers who have a lot of resonance in their voice, like…”

Ailee interrupts her.  “Actually, enough of this.  Let’s eat.  All of you, head through the door on the other side of where you came in, there’s an all you can eat buffet.  Do any of you have any special dietary needs?  I think one of you was a vegan from the ticket info?”

Leanne speaks up.  “I’m a vegan.”

Ailee nods.  “Okay well, I guess you won’t be eating, but everyone else eat up and then follow the signs to the dorms.  I need to rest my voice, I’ll see you all tomorrow!”

Ailee gets up and walks out of the room, smiling and waving at everyone.  The entire room says “Goodbye Ailee!” and move next door to where the food is.

The buffet is amazing!  Rows and rows of all sorts of Asian meat dishes.  Leanne unpacks and eats some kind of roll she brought with her, everyone else tucks into the meat buffet and then gets settled into the dormitory, one room with several bunk beds and no windows.

That night while getting to sleep the conversation naturally turns to Ailee.

“She’s not what I expected” says David.

“What did you expect?” asks Sally.

David sighs.  “I don’t know, she was really blunt.  The way she’d smile and be really blunt at the same time, I don’t get it.”

“She cut me off, I didn’t like that” says Amy.

“Maybe she’s on her period” offers Mark.

“Ewww, you’re gross!’ says Leanne.

Mark shrugs.  “Well, maybe she is though.”

“Maybe you’re a dickhead though” retorts Leanne.

“Has anyone seen Sarah?” you ask.

“I guess she’s still with Haeri.  Weird how she got picked out like that.  Why didn’t we get picked?” says Sally.

“She probably paid extra – seems like the type” David replies.

“We might get picked tomorrow” you reply.

Everyone eventually goes to sleep.  You text your parents that you’re okay and then doze off.  You sleep with some difficulty, thinking about what the next day will bring makes it hard to switch off your brain.

—–

The day starts at 8am with Moonbyul wheeling in a breakfast cart and offering everyone a choice of various cereals or raisin toast.  Everyone orders except Leanne who once again eats something that she brought with her.  You’re still the only one who recognises Moonbyul.

“Hi, good to see you!” you say to Moonbyul.

“Don’t talk to me.  Cereal or toast?” she snaps back abruptly.

“Toast, thank you.”  Moonbyul hands you some raisin toast and says nothing further to you.  She serves the others and then leaves.

At 9am on the dot Ailee walks into the dormitory.

“How are we all?” she says, smiling.

“Good!” everyone responds.

“That’s great!  Today is the first day of your vocal appreciation education!  Is everybody looking forward to it?”

“Yes!” replies the room.

“Fantastic!  I’ve brought in a computer with some songs on it!  Spend the day listening to them, and do some vocal analysis – there’ll be some questions on the songs this evening, plus you’ll get to meet new k-pop stars!”  You notice the laptop in Ailee’s hands, she sets the laptop up on a dressing table by one of the bunk beds.  “I’ll leave this with you all, meet me in the meeting hall at 6pm… and don’t forget to use the outdoor facilities, everything is there for your use!  There’s outdoor gym equipment and basketball hoops if you need a break – remember that there’s no such thing as too much exercise!  Plus the views are great!”

Ailee smiles and leaves the room.  Everyone huddles around the computer, while David accesses it for the songs.  It takes him about 10 minutes to find any songs on the laptop at all, as they’re deep in hidden subdirectories, but David eventually figures out the nuances of the computer’s search function and finds the following four songs only:

The whole room stares at each other.

“She’s kidding, right?  Vocal analysis, on these songs?” asks Amy.

You shrug and look around.  Nobody has any answers.

—–

At 6pm, everyone from the dorms is in the meeting hall sitting down on a row of chairs before a small stage – everyone except Sarah, who nobody has seen or heard from.  Ailee enters the room, to a round of applause.

“Hi everybody!  Glad you could all make it!”  Ailee smiles and waves.  “Before we get into our questions, we’re going to listen to a keynote speech from our good friend Jimin from AOA!  Everybody give Jimin a round of applause!”

Everybody claps politely.  “Why Jimin?” Amy and David ask each other.  Jimin appears from the side of the stage, takes a microphone off Ailee with a quick “thank you”, and clears her throat.  She doesn’t look as good in person as in the videos, but boy does she sound exactly the same!  Jimin then begins a speech in her characteristic vocal tone, one which you’ve never been able to stand.  You grit your teeth and bear it.

“Hi, I’m Jimin, the motherfuckin’ top madam.  It’s good to be here.

How would you feel if you knew that today was your last day on Earth?  What would you do differently?  You would probably re-prioritise your life.  Perhaps you would stay home from work or school, and spend more time with loved ones, friends or family.  Maybe you would travel, or experience something completely new.

What if you knew that something was happening, or about to happen, that had the potential to completely change everything in your life, that there was no going back from, and that you could do nothing to stop?  Would you tell everyone, or keep it a secret?  If there was something that you could do to stop it, would you?

The landscape of both Korean and international k-pop music fans is undergoing a paradigm shift.  Vocal analysis has been on the rise for the last decade, largely thanks to people such as yourselves who are spearheading the cultural movement of k-pop fans in this direction.  As a result, vocal analysis has now reached a critical point.

Cycles of analysis are ever-shortening.  The “cycle of analysis” is the aggregate time between when a note is produced by a singer, and when that same note is analysed by people who run and participate in k-pop vocal threads, forums and so on, people such as yourselves.  Due to the current wide popularity of vocal analysis, combined with the exponential growth in k-pop product and k-pop’s global reach, plus the rush of fans to study each new product that appears, all of which are exponentially increasing, mathematical models now show that we will soon reach a point called “global vocal analysis singularity”, which is when the popularity of vocal analysis is widespread and the aggregate “cycle of analysis” time drops to near zero, or under one second.  At this point it will not be possible for singers to produce a note without billions of analysts dropping all other activities to study the note that was just made.  At this point, everything ends – death by vocal analysis.

Ailee K-pop Vocal Fan Camp is committed to being proactive about reducing the risk of a “singularity event” which could stop all society from functioning.  There is something we can do to avert this fate, and that is why we have brought you here.   Thank you.

Jimin leaves the stage to polite but confused applause.  “I don’t get it.  What was that all about?” you ask.

Amy shrugs.  “I don’t know either, I honestly wasn’t really listening.  I hear that squeaky voice and I just tune out every time.  Why is she even here?”

Ailee re-enters the stage.  “Go and grab some food from the buffet, and then go back to your dorms, everyone.  You questions are waiting for you there!”

Everyone walks to the buffet and picks up a plate of food, except Leanne, who once again is not catered for.

“I’ve had enough of this!  I wrote ‘vegan’ when I applied for the ticket and they said they would cater for me, I want something to eat!  I paid good money for this!”  Leanne storms off in the direction of the kitchen.  You follow and watch what she’s doing, you can’t hear her over the kitchen noise but she’s obviously talking to the chefs about getting them to make her something that complies with her diet.  Leanne comes back two minutes later with some kind of sandwich roll in her hands.  “About time!” she says as she begins eating.

About halfway through eating the roll, Leanne starts making strange gestures with her tongue.

“What’s wrong, is everything okay?” you ask.

“Yeah, fine – I think I swallowed a hair though.  I can feel it stuck to my throat, it’s gross!  There’s not much hygiene in that kitchen!”

Leanne eventually locates and spits out the hair, and you both look at it.

“Ewww, I should report them to the health department” says Leanne.

You examine the hair.  “That hair is blonde – and long.  That’s weird.  Did any of those chefs have long, blonde hair?”

“No.  None of us do either.”

“Oh wait, except…”

“…Sarah.”

You both look at each other not knowing what to think.

After dinner you go back to the dorms, where you immediately notice everyone else is looking a bit odd.  You’re about to ask what’s wrong, but you don’t need to.  Mark shows you the question form.

“This isn’t what I expected”, says Amy.

“This is just hypothetical, right?” asks David.

Nobody knows how to fill out the form.  What do the questions have to do with vocal analysis anyway?  Nobody can figure it out, so everyone leaves it blank.

—–

No-one in the vocal camp group gets much sleep.

At 8am Moonbyul appears, wheeling in a breakfast cart and offering everyone a choice of various cereals or raisin toast.  Everyone orders except Leanne who doesn’t eat, she’s out of self-brought food.  You’re still the only one who recognises Moonbyul.

“Cereal or toast?” Moonbyul asks you.

“Moonbyul, what the hell is going on?  Please help us understand!”

Moonbyul backs away from you.  “Don’t you FUCKING ask me for shit!  And don’t use my name!  Cereal or toast?” she whispers.

You sigh.  “Toast, please.”

Moonbyul is angry, she almost throws you the toast on a plate, serves the rest of the room and then leaves.

At 9am on the dot Ailee walks into the dormitory, carrying a laptop.

“How are we all?” she says, smiling.

“Good!” everyone responds, half-heartedly.

“Did you all complete your questions?” asks Ailee.

Everybody looks at each other in nervous silence.  Ailee picks up the question forms, none of which have been filled out.

“Oh wow, none of you did any of these.  How can we continue to do the k-pop vocal camp if you guys won’t participate?”

“We didn’t know what to write”, says Amy.

Ailee sighs and approaches Amy, furious.  “Amy, are you not a vocalpedagogist or whatever the FUCK it is you people call yourself?”

Amy nods.  “But these questions are not about vocal…”

“What does it say on the top of the form?  READ IT!”

“It says vocal analysis questions, but…”

“So are you telling me that you’re willing to get up on your high horse and be a fucking expert in vocals on the Internet, but you can’t answer three SIMPLE FUCKING QUESTIONS about your life?  Is that what you’re telling me?”

Amy is silent.

“Fine, say nothing.  Here’s the laptop, there’s two more songs on it.  Get to work.  More questions tonight, plus I expect the other forms filled out completely tomorrow, by everyone!”  Ailee dumps the laptop on the dresser and storms out of the room.

After Ailee leaves, Amy says “fuck this.  Ailee is a psycho bitch!  I’m out of here right now!  Goodbye everyone!”  Amy packs her bags and rushes out the door.  Everyone else opts to fill in the form instead with just anything, hoping to pacify Ailee with results.

The next laptop is opened and David searches for the songs.  Now that he knows what he’s doing, they’re easy to find and he gets the results in under a minute.  Everyone remaining gathers around to watch.

Once again, not exactly ripe vocal analysis material, although you could probably write a small thesis on how Bom strains her notes and doesn’t connect them properly if you had to.  The other camp members listen to the songs over and over to try to figure out what Ailee might want, but you’ve given up.  You go out to the exercise yard and shoot hoops for a while, and spend some time texting your parents.  You don’t want them to worry and pull you out of the camp, you’re also trying not to worry yourself about Ailee’s tantrum so you tell them everything’s going fine.

—–

That night, there’s nothing happening at the meeting hall, so the vocal group all go to the buffet.  It’s very quiet, there are no chefs on duty this time, or anyone else around, but the buffet is full –  all the food has been prepared earlier and left waiting for you.  Everybody except Leanne grabs a plate, Leanne instead goes straight into the kitchen.

New question forms have been left on the dining table this time, you pick one up and take a look.

“Um… guys… come and take a look at this…” you say.

Your words are interrupted by Leanne screaming.  Leanne comes rushing out of the kitchen.  “It’s Amy!  She got Amy!  And Sarah!”

You look in the kitchen, Amy and Sarah’s severed heads are both sitting on the kitchen benchtop, with a large butcher’s knife sticking out of Amy’s forehead.  Some of the flesh from Sarah’s skull has been cut away into thin strips, that look a lot like the thin strips in the buffet pork tray, which all of you except Leanne have been eating daily.  It’s impossible to look at the kitchen scene or the buffet further.  Everyone except Leanne starts feeling instantly violently ill and vomiting, Leanne instead starts running in circles and panicking.  “Let’s get out of here!” she screams over and over.

You try to compose yourself while wiping away the chunks of vomit from your mouth.  “That’s what Amy tried, look how she ended up.”

“We can’t run, we have to defend ourselves!” exclaims Mark, between regurgitations.

Everybody rushes into the kitchen and raids the kitchen drawers to grab knives.  Nobody wants to touch the big butcher’s knife embedded in Amy’s skull, but the kitchen is well-stocked with knives so soon everyone has a weapon.

“There’s only one of her, there’s five of us.” says Sally.  “I think we can take her on.”

All of a sudden a loud banging noise is heard, and you are blinded and knocked back onto the floor of the kitchen.  Something has landed on your face.  You wipe your eyes, to find Sally is now with you on the ground, except that she has only half her head left.  You realise that what you just got knocked back by was possibly her exploding brains.

“Four”, says Ailee, holding a shotgun and pointing it at all of you.  “Don’t try any fancy shit.  Everyone drop the knives and let’s go, back up to the dorms.”

Ailee marches you all into the dorms, closes the door and locks you all inside.

—–

No-one in the vocal camp group gets any sleep at all, the night is spent planning how to escape.  The plan is to rush Moonbyul when she appears at 8am and make a run for it.

At 8am Moonbyul appears like clockwork, wheeling in a breakfast cart, at which point everyone makes a rush for the door.  Prepared, Moonbyul has a pistol already drawn and shoots Mark in the stomach as he’s the first person to nearly reach her.   Mark doubles up on the floor, bleeding and in pain.  You’re still the only one who recognises Moonbyul.

“Cereal or toast?” Moonbyul asks Mark.  “Don’t make me wait!”  Mark is unable to say anything and just groans in pain, so after a few seconds Moonbyul gets bored of waiting and shoots him a second time in the chest, killing him instantly.

“Cereal or toast?” Moonbyul then asks you.

“Toast please”, you reply as quickly as possible.

Moonbyul hands you a plate of raisin toast, with double the slices this time.  She serves the others, leaves and locks the door behind her.

David starts crying.  “Well that idea was shit!  What are we going to do now?”

Leanne says “Ailee arrives in an hour.  We’re probably doomed.”

However Ailee doesn’t turn up at the usual time.  The hours pass uneventfully.

—–

At 6pm Ailee unlocks the dormitory door and enters.  She’s brandishing a laptop, plus the same shotgun that she used to remove Sally’s cranium.

“Final exam.”  Ailee places the laptop on the dresser.

“…Ailee?” Leanne says.

“Yes, what is it?” Ailee replies.  You wince – you can’t see this ending well.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Do you know how much I fucking hate you vocal fans?  You’re so pathetic.  I can’t sing a note without it appearing on ten different sites with people talking about how I could have sung it better.  People with NO talent, MINIMAL AT BEST singing ability, NO understanding of the technical aspect, and ZERO creativity to do anything else besides piss about on the Internet stroking themselves off acting like they’re FUCKING EXPERTS about shit that they don’t even know the first thing about and picking apart everything.  You people are the reason why I have to overdub my voice fucking ten times on everything.  I fucking hate you all so much, you disgust me.  I wish I could kill each and every one of you, but there’s too many of you pieces of shit.”

“But… I just like voices that are resonant, what’s wrong with that?”

Ailee quickly shoots Leanne in the stomach.  “DID YOU HEAR THAT?  My shotgun barrel is 26 INCHES LONG, that’s a RESONATING FREQUENCY WAVELENGTH of 454.2 Hz! YOU FUCKING DUMB BITCH!  RESONATING FREQUENCIES ARE IN EVERYTHING!”   Leanne is already dead but Ailee keeps screaming at her.  “YOU FUCKING STUPID CUNT VOCAL FAGGOTS OBSESSING ABOUT POINTLESS SHIT!”  Ailee shoots Leanne a second time for good measure.  “LISTEN AGAIN!  THAT’S BETWEEN A4 and A#4, I SUPPOSE YOU GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT TOO YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE!”  Ailee then storms out of the room, slamming it and locking it behind her.  You and David, now the only two left alive, both breathe a small sigh of relief that she didn’t go gun-crazy and kill you both as well.

David opens up the laptop and searches for songs.  Only one this time.

The intro seems bitterly ironic.

—–

At 8am Moonbyul appears, wheeling in a breakfast cart and brandishing a pistol.  However neither you nor David intend to try anything after yesterday.

“Cereal or toast?” Moonbyul asks.

You and David both choose toast and are given double portions each.  Moonbyul then lumps the bodies of Leanne and Mark onto the breakfast cart and wheels them away.  She also leaves behind a couple new question forms.

Both you and David fill out “yes” for all three questions without hesitation.

—–

Ailee arrives at 6pm, unlocking the door and opening it slowly.  She’s still carrying the same shotgun.

“Forms”, she says.  You hand the forms that you and David have filled out over to her.  Ailee looks them over.

Ailee sits down on the edge of the bed.  “Okay, quiz time.  I need to know that I can trust you both to do this correctly.  Anybody can fill out a form, it’s another thing to actually have a brain.   Let’s start with you”.  She points the shotgun toward David.  “I just released two new songs – what are they?”

“‘Mind Your Own Business’ and ‘Insane’“, David replies.

“Correct!  Now – which song do you like more, and why?”

David thinks for a moment.  “Well, I thought ‘Insane’ had the better vocal performance in terms of overall feel, but then I really liked the high notes in ‘Mind Your Own…”

Ailee shoots David in the face killing him instantly and spraying blood and brains all over the rear wall of the dormitory.  “Gosh, I’m so terribly sorry, that’s the WRONG FUCKING ANSWER”, she yells as David’s corpse falls to the floor, leaking blood.  Ailee then turns the shotgun towards you.  “I trust you have a more satisfactory answer?” she asks.

You think for a moment, but you’re really not sure.  “‘Insane’ was okay but I liked ‘Mind Your Own Business’ more, but I’m not sure why.  It was just a better song, I guess?”

Ailee releases her grip on the shotgun.  She smiles at you.  “Congratulations.  You are cured.”

—–

It’s the next morning and you’re on the plane back home.  You never told your parents about any of the events at the K-pop vocal camp, even though you could have texted them at any time – if they found out, they’d never let you have any freedom ever again!  Also, what could they do from another country away?  Nothing, obviously – you were trapped.  It was traumatising seeing so many people die in front of you, and not knowing from one moment to the next if you were going to live or die yourself… but there’s one thing you can’t deny, you learned a lot… and perhaps also unlearned some things.  It’s probably better that way.

You’re on your phone making a post about how you’re putting your k-pop vocal blogging on indefinite hiatus, when the passenger next to you taps you on the shoulder, to alert you to the arrival of the airplane food trolley.

“Cereal or toast?” asks the air hostess.

It’s a clear day on the beach, with just you and Qri, there’s not too many people around, the sun is shining brightly and Qri looks great in her correctly-proportioned striped top.  However, behind her sunglasses you can sense that all is not right with Qri.  You’ve been talking about the world of Korean entertainment all afternoon and as you speak, her attention wanders.  Something seems to be increasingly on her mind, and you get the feeling that Qri seems to want to tell you something profound to shake your preconceptions… but what could it be?

You have no idea if what Qri is telling you is true or not.  As long as she keeps wearing clothes like that, you figure that she can continue to believe whatever she wants to believe.

It doesn’t matter what the situation is, everybody’s got an opinion about how k-pop agencies should run their artists.  Surely with such a wealth of business knowledge coming from both Korean and international netizens, it’s a wonder that any k-pop agencies ever lose money and have misfortunes at all!  If only k-pop agencies took heed of the plethora of free advice and popular opinion out there on the Internet, nobody in k-pop need ever fail at anything ever again!

So why do k-pop agencies continue to act like they know what’s in their own best interests?  Why don’t they just listen to us and do what we want?  Read on as Kpopalypse demystifies the mystical mysteries of some of k-pop’s more mysterious business decisions!

Like many Kpopalypse posts about the business side of k-pop, this post might get a little bit lengthy and wordy.  I know that some of you guys are attention-span-challenged and don’t like tl;dr so I’ve prepared a special short version of this post just for you.  Just click on the picture of “the best ever cum in your life” Seo Jisoo below to access it:

Now you can skip all the inconvenient text below and go straight to your favourite forum or website and start whining about how much of an asshole I supposedly am for writing free content for your entertainment.  Let it never be said that I don’t think of and carefully consider ALL my readers!

For the rest of you who actually enjoy reading my long-winded garbage, let’s take a look at a few case studies.  Also, people are always asking me about my opinions on this type of shit, so this post should satisfy some of you “what does Kpopalyspe think about this shit” type folks out there.  The rest of this post may be obvious to some of you, and I’m sure I’ll get “oh Kpopalypse is so condescending, I already knew this shit” type comments, and that’s fine.  Of course everybody reading this knows all this shit already.  That’s why there’s so many rational k-pop fans out there.  Oh wait.

Wonder Girls’ “failed American advancement”

The story we all hear:

It’s well documented that Park Jin Young aka “JYP”, CEO of JYP Entertainment, tried his hardest to break The Wonder Girls in the USA for many years and didn’t succeed.  This refocus into the American market not only lost money in the United States, but scuttled The Wonder Girls’ momentum within Korea, meaning that his label lost out and The Wonder Girls’ lost their chance at iconic status to competitors such as Girls’ Generation and 2NE1.  It’s been suggested that JYP doesn’t even belong in the “big three” k-pop labels anymore due to declining sales and that without “breadwinner Suzy” from miss A keeping the company afloat with her constant endorsement money, he’d be fucked.

The reality:

At the start of 2013, JYP finally conceded defeat in the USA and withdrew from the American market completely, by folding his American subsidiary JYP Creative and getting the fuck out.  The net loss recorded for the last year’s worth of activities in the USA was $1.718 million.  Oh no, so sad, right?  Sad until you realise that JYP is rich as a motherfuck.  JYP’s sales the following year was $43.7 million with a net profit of $7.07 million, so he made the money back no problem.

Why go out on such a limb at all though?  Wouldn’t it have been better to keep building on The Wonder Girls’ Korean success rather than trying them out in an unknown market?  People who operate businesses know that being stagnant is death – your competitors will overtake you.  So any businessman in a highly competitive industry where nothing is guaranteed long-term is always looking for ways to expand the business and keep in front.  American success might seem unlikely to us and it might’ve even seemed unlikely to JYP, but a couple million dollars as a gamble for something way bigger in that kind of context is worth a shot, and JYP was uniquely positioned with a lot of capital and a hot girl group to give it a go.  JYP wasn’t going to go out on all that much of a limb, after all he folded the American branch of his company pretty quickly once it became clear that money was never going to be made, but the fact is that he wouldn’t have spent a million dollars on The Wonder Girls if he didn’t have that kind of money to burn in the first place.  With all that income from 2PM coming in (contrary to popular belief, it’s 2PM that is JYP’s biggest earner, not Suzy) JYP has a secure financial base from which to work from while trying this kind of thing out.  If it fails – oh well, not that big of a deal, return The Wonder Girls to Korea and move onto the next venture, like perhaps a new clothing line:

K-pop fans are one-eyed and struggle to get with this kind of thinking.  JYP on the other hand is looking at it like a business, not like a fangirl scared that their bias group is under threat.  Once you forget about your emotions for Wonder Girls and look at it from a business perspective, JYP’s actions are easy enough to understand.

f(x)’s “unfair treatment”

The story we all hear:

Poor f(x).  They’re on SM Entertainment, the biggest label in k-pop, but they just don’t get the support they deserve.  They don’t get a proper concert, their comebacks are always cut short and usually coinciding with EXO or some other big boy group, they don’t even have an official fandom!  What’s up with that, does SM just hate them or what?  They’re so popular, with a little extra love from the label and some proper promotion they could be huge!

The reality:

By the time that f(x) were ready for debut, SM already had established the hugest of huge k-pop girl groups that were ever huge in the history of huge k-pop girl groups being huge, Girls’ Generation (SNSD).  SM Entertainment doesn’t need to run two Girls’ Generations at once, and it would be stupid for them to do so, because market share would then get divided between the two similar groups, they’d just be dividing their existing audience up.  So SM came up with another idea, to push their new group f(x) into completely different markets, and rather than get existing SNSD fans hooked on them instead to try and tap into a brand new audience that SM didn’t have yet.  So f(x) are their experimental pop project group who are deliberately positioned in the market a little bit off-centre so as to appeal to the kind of punters who wouldn’t necessarily go for the slick commercial pop of SNSD.  So while f(x) may not get big-ass Korean concerts they do get to do slightly different things like play the prestigious SXSW festival in Texas with a bunch of Korean rock and punk groups, something that wouldn’t have worked at all for just about any other act on SM apart from them.  f(x) also get the weird artsy presentation (check out any of their CD photobooks), more individual activities instead of group stuff and no fandom name because the kind of person who SM Entertainment is marketing f(x) to is the kind of person who thinks that fandoms are a special people’s club.  Paradoxically, f(x) are huge because of this type of treatment, not in spite of it – if they were just another girl group in the SNSD style you probably wouldn’t like them as much.

Don’t just take my word for it though, if you’re an f(x) fan who still feels hard done by, watch this great v-log below.  Contrary to a popular belief held by every fucktard who wildly misreads the tone of my writing and thinks I’m trying to be Angry Video Game Nerd, I’m actually a pretty chilled, relaxed kind of guy, however I actually fucking hate v-logs with the passionate fury of a thousand suns, so if I’m actually telling you to watch a v-log, that means the content here was actually good enough to overcome my knee-jerk loathing of v-logs in general and that’s right up there with “that girl from that nugu k-pop group looks a bit like Raina” in terms of Kpopalypse recommendations.

Pledis won’t bring back After School because “there’s no money”

The story we all hear:

Pledis is broke!  Some After School members recently tweeted that they’d love to comeback but the label just can’t afford it!  Oh no!  Is Pledis in the red?  Will they go bankrupt?  Will After School have to work for a tenpro to make a living?  If so, does anyone have contact details on exactly where plus information on cheap flights and hotels in Seoul?

The reality:

There’s plenty of money.  There just isn’t money for After School.  Difference.  Pledis are if anything quite frugal – they’re certainly not the type to throw money out there unwisely (I know from experience that this is true – info in a forthcoming post) and an After School comeback isn’t needed right at this minute, and probably wouldn’t make money that the label aren’t already earning, so they’re not spending on it – instead they’re spending on the things that matter more right now.  There’s plenty of time for Orange Caramel who have come back about 57 times both as a group and with solo projects since the last After School promotional activities, because those OC girls are all crazy popular and all make a shit-ton of cash in endorsements.  There’s plenty of time to debut a new boy group called Seventeen with expensive-ass music videos too.   Contrary to their name and also disappointingly, Seventeen actually have only thirteen members, but that’s still a fucking lot and it takes serious capital to train and debut a group of that size – we’re talking millions spent before anybody even sets foot on a stage.  It probably took a solid few months of Nana doing back-to-back TV commercials to make that cash.

After School will probably get their turn, or they might not if the group falls apart or has some other behind-the-scenes internal issue, but the cold hard reality is that it really doesn’t matter much, Pledis are thinking about their future and the next steps, and if After School fits into those plans, they’ll get a comeback.  If not, they won’t.  If you’re a fan and that bothers you – oh well.

Why are Woollim hanging onto Seo Jisoo?

The story we all hear:

Right when girl group Lovelyz debuted, rumours sprang up about Lovelyz member Seo Jisoo being a buttplug-inserting blackmailing, sexcam-taping, puppy-kicking lesbian rapist which is one hell of a resume that pretty much guarantees her Kpopalypse support whether true or false.  Jisoo left the group for a while, obviously traumatised by the bullshit rumours, while the agency Woollim swiftly went around cracking skulls.  Then after her mental health hiatus Jisoo recently returned to the group, and out came a fresh crop of rumours right on schedule, coinciding with the groups’ activity just like Hwayoung’s titties popping out of some ill-fitting clothing whenever T-ara are about to come back.  Whether true or false, clearly Jisoo is a liability to the group’s image at this point – wouldn’t it be more sensible if Woollim got rid of her?

The reality:

If you were reading the above paragraph’s question and started thinking to yourself “yes, well actually, that seems reasonable” – congratulations, you win the Kpopalypse Worthless Oxygen Wasting Cunt Award for thinking like a Korean netizen by prioritising public image and superficial appearances over truth.

Woollim are hanging onto Jisoo for dear life for one really obvious reason that I can sum up for you in one word – Tablo.  Tablo was signed to Woollim who were unsupportive as fuck when all that “he didn’t really go to Stanford” Tajinyo bullshit happened which you can read all about at this excellent article here if you haven’t.  History hasn’t judged Woollim kindly on that front – forever now known as “that label that didn’t stand up strongly to the Tajinyo bulllies”, Woollim are understandably eager to show that they’ve learned from their previous mistake.  Woollim would also know for sure if the rumours are true or false, so the fact that they’re willing to go hardball as fuck by not only chasing the rumour spreaders and bringing Jisoo back into the group but even calling the new fucking album “Lovelyz8” signifying the complete lineup speaks volumes.

At worst, Jisoo is guilty of being homosexual and having a lover’s tiff which got a bit heated (hence the jilted ex-lover out for career-destroying revenge) – for dumb-dumb fangirls that might be a bit of a deal but within the industry itself that’s not even registering a blip on the give-a-fuck radar, so therefore nobody cares.  As for the media outlet “The Fact” who got involved, they used to be called “Sports Seoul” and they’re about as reliable as Allkpop when it comes to fact-checking, so take anything published there for what it’s worth, which isn’t much (people who read k-pop news sites often fail to take into account the credibility or lack thereof of the original Korean sources of the information).  But no way are Woollim going to fuck around with their business model any more than they absolutely have to.  Jisoo like all the other girls has had years of training invested in her and the company is not going to throw that money down the drain unless she did something actually really seriously wrong – and if she had, Woollim would probably let her go faster than you could say “spunkmop”.

THE THRILLING CONCLUSION

Now that we’ve looked at a few case studies, you might have noticed that there’s a common theme emerging here.  Or if you haven’t, allow me to point it out for you.  All of the above situations are easily justifiable from a business perspective and could be easily cleared up with a little bit of open and honest communication from the agencies concerned to the artist’s fanbases.  However, that’s not happening.  Why isn’t it happening?  Let me explain by way of a fun blind anecdote and share some of my personal experience.

Many years ago, I was hanging out at a venue with a singer in B, at the time a nationally well-known girl group in my country with a big teenage audience, they were riding high off the fame of a recent #1 hit single and doing some touring.  It was setup time before the show and we were both chatting in the venue’s front bar, passing time while lights and sound systems were being set up and tested.  She started checking something on the free Internet cafe in the bar and I asked her what she was looking at.  I could see it had her group B’s logo on it.

“Oh, just checking my group’s forum, our agency just set this up for us the other week.”

“Okay.  What’s on there?”

“Oh just a bunch of stupid shit.  Our fans are all fucking retarded, I swear.  The agency wants us to participate in it but I really couldn’t be fucked, it’s hard enough for me just to read it, I swear I can actually feel my brain cells dying one by one when I read their shit.”

“Really?”

She laughed.  “Sure.  Take a look.  What a bunch of losers.”

I had a look at the forum.  She was right, her fans were fucking stupid.  Thread after thread of incredibly inane shit, similar to and equally as bad as any k-pop forum I’ve ever seen.  There were one or two intelligent discussions on there but the rest of it was all shit and I mean total shit, a mixure of crazy fangirling and the absolute worst troll threads on OneHallyu, Allkpop forums etc.

I couldn’t help but empathise.  “I feel sorry for you, having to read this.  How often do the agency want you to check it?”

“Oh there’s no real rules – just whenever we can, not that I’ve got the time for this shit but I try and get to it if there’s a break or whatever.  The agency posts all the official stuff like news and so on, but they like it if we have a presence too, and the fangirls go crazy if you reply to them.  Man, if those girls only knew what we were really like… ”

I thought about some of the things I knew about her, like the various drugs that the group takes, their sexual habits and preferences, the massive amounts of infighting and friction within the group, how right at that moment one half of the group wasn’t even on speaking terms with the other half, and so on.  I could only nod my head in agreement.  No wonder the agency goes to great lengths to keep the inner workings of the group hidden – they’re worried that their very young fanbase couldn’t handle it… or that their parents couldn’t.

People who run K-pop agencies think you’re probably a fucking moron, and while you may in fact be very intelligent, because k-pop attracts a young audience the people behind it tend to assume that most of you won’t be intelligent.  Therefore, they don’t think you can handle the business perspective, so they won’t give it to you – they think you might use the information against them or to hate them or their group, so they go by a “the less we can get away with telling you idiots about what really happens, the better” policy instead.  Sometimes they may be right about that, sometimes not, but that is definitely how they feel, because they know that at least some of the audience are fucking morons who won’t get it so they play directly to the lowest common denominator of fangirl idiot.  You can see the utter contempt that k-pop labels have for the stupider levels of fans in their obviously written-while-taking-a-shit bullshit press statements and deliberate misinformation, they wouldn’t even write half of that shit if they thought you were an intelligent human who was able to think.  You can also see their contempt in the incredibly sloppy handling of events where you get herded around like dumb livestock, lied to and robbed, regardless of your age, income or intelligence level (of course that’s not restricted to just k-pop events, but k-pop events are particularly good at being bad, that is, when they even happen).  Organisers could handle events better but because they think you’re a little dumbass, only the barest minimum of effort and respect is given – if you’re lucky.  Agencies, promoters and people in the business want you to pay your money, give your attention when required and be as little bother to their business model as humanly possible, and they really couldn’t care less about explaining a damn thing unless it’s absolutely required.

Lucky there’s Kpopalypse who treats you like an intelligent thinking human adult and is willing to be a bit more candid and thoughtful on their behalf, hey?

Hey everyone, it’s Kpopalypse back again with more amazing life lessons to share with you lovely readers!  After the stunning success of my previous life lessons post, it seems that some k-pop fans are still struggling with life’s many challenges.  Thankfully, Kpopalypse is here to help all you caonimas achieve and succeed at life, this time with a little bit of help from Ailee!

Of course, it’s hard to get any k-pop fan to pay attention to anything these days if it doesn’t involve watching k-pop MVs, so that’s where Ailee comes in!  If there’s any k-pop idol out there who knows exactly what it’s like to get fucked around by some cocksmoking assholes it’s definitely Ailee, and to this end Ailee has been pretty good about making sure her MV directors insert plenty of important life lessons into her videos to help k-pop fans lead happy, fulfilling lives.  Let’s take a closer look and see what we can learn!

Super important warning: by necessity this post contains music video plot spoilers.  If you haven’t seen these videos before and you care deeply about following the stories, I suggest that you watch them before reading my text, just in case you get things spoilered for you and become upset…. hahaha, who am I kidding, nobody is fucking reading this shit.  You’re all either:

• Playing the videos and fapping to Ailee
• Looking up Ailee’s nudes and then fapping to Ailee
• Fapping to Ailee’s voice
• Throwing the device you’re reading this on across the room in disgust

…so I can pretty much say whatever I want here.  Also you might want to keep the volume knob close to hand for your own sanity as these songs vary in quality quite a lot.  Anyway let’s move onto the videos!

Heaven

To maintain a good relationship with your partner, it’s essential to know where the boundaries are set.  It’s important to understand the other person and cater to their needs and desires, but it’s equally vital to allow the other person to express their own individuality by both having your own lives outside of the relationship, not getting too close at times when it isn’t appropriate, and giving the other person their breathing room in which they can freely express themselves and be their own person.  Relationships which fail to incorporate these important aspects rarely last long!

In “Heaven” we see Ailee with her boyfriend, watching some footage of them on TV.  He’s clearly not really into it (it’s obvious by his expressions and body language) but he’s just staring at her.  Later on we see Ailee eating, and her boyfriend is staring at her again.  He’s already finished his meal, yet he won’t fucking leave the table and go and do his own thing, instead he obsessively watches her eat, counting every last calorie to make sure she adheres to her strict idol diet.  Then in the next scene, she’s reading a book and he’s talking to her and reading over her shoulder.  Ailee does her best to hide her irritation but clearly having her boyfriend hover over her being a jerkstick is bugging the shit out of her.  Finally, we see Ailee in bed, and her crappy boyfriend doesn’t even go down on her or jack off on her asscheeks or even give her a cuddle or a gentle goodnight kiss on the lips but just leaves her alone – the one time when he should be doing something proactive, he wanders off into the other room to play Call Of Warcraft or whatever.

The moral lesson is delivered at the end of the video, where Ailee swaps Mr Jerkus out for another upgraded boyfriend, and the ex smiles – he’s pleased.  Clearly he wanted to be dumped anyway, he was just too chickenshit to say anything, so he just acted like a crappy boyfriend until she finally had a gutful of his cloying neediness and impotence.  While that’s one way to get dumped he could have saved her a lot of heartache and himself a lot of League of Duty time by just walking the fuck out.  Mind you he also could have continued to feel Ailee’s boobies and pursued his dreams of being a pro gamer/oxygen-sponge if he actually stopped being such a nosy cunt prying into her private business right from the beginning.

I Will Show You

In 1978 the song “I Will Survive” was released by Gloria Gaynor, a single woman’s disco anthem all about telling your ex-boyfriend to fuck off when he turns up at your doorstep and wants you back because although it was hard at first you’ve gotten over him and you realise he’s a loser who plays Defence Of The Battlefield all day.  Ailee’s “I Will Show You” (aka the last song of Ailee’s “not complete shit” period) obviously rips off “I Will Survive” musically, with the sad forlorn introduction about missing some douchebag giving away to disco-rockin’ female independence.  Thematically the songs are similar too, but the video for Ailee’s song has an important twist.  At the start of “I Will Show You”, a very deglamorised, nerdy and yet smoking hot Ailee mopes about because her ex is fucking some new chick.  Then the whole “I don’t give a fuck about you” Gloria Gaynor routine starts as Ailee transforms into a independent, liberated and somewhat less-hot, tackily dolled-up version of herself who yells and waves her arms a lot.  Now that Ailee has uglified herself down to his level, the hapless guy realises he’s fucked up and lost his chance at love, so he pursues Ailee his one true soul mate.  After she toys with him, ignoring his advances, spitting on him, punching him in the chest and all that fun stuff, eventually she says “fuck it, I’ve tortured him enough, I think he’s got the point now” and takes him back.

The lesson here is that people always want what they can’t have, and people always look more desirable when they’re unavailable.  Unlike the Gloria Gaynor song where she seriously straight-up hates the dude and wants him to get the fuck out for good, Ailee’s “independent woman” routine was just a fake-ass act to make him think that she was unattainable and therefore desire and want her back more.  Of course once they got back together he’d no doubt be reminded exactly of why he dumped her in the first place (probably all that waiting patiently in the studio lounge while she spent hours overdubbing her own fucking voice 57 times on every song) and they’d probably split up again for good this time, but with any luck he got to blow his load on her tits Seungri-style a few more times.  Use this knowledge to your advantage when you start pining for that ex who was a total cunt to you – he/she is probably still a cunt, but cunts look a lot prettier when you’re not directly reminded of all the shit they used to do that pissed you off, like singing Beyonce’s ultra-crap “Crazy In Love” as if it’s in any way listenable or worthy of use as anything other than a torture device.

Singing Got Better

There’s a common business expression that’s particularly prevalent in the music business – “don’t shit where you eat”.  This expression bothers a lot of uptight cunts but it’s actually very practical and useful advice, and what is translates to for musicians is “don’t fuck anybody in your own group”.  The reason for it is fairly obvious – if the sexual relationship breaks up, the musical relationship will either also break up, or become so poisoned that it’s not worth the heartache of gritting your teeth and continuing with.

There’s another disadvantage of being in a group with your sexual partner, and that is that you have to be around each other all the fucking time.  Relationships benefit from a bit of time away from each other to get some perspective, but when you live together AND you work and travel together it’s hard to escape – it can all get a bit much unless you’re the extremely clingy lovey-dovey type (and then it’s probably going to get too much for the other person after a while).  Too much close proximity can cause you to lose your rational perspective of events.

Ailee isn’t behaving particularly rationally in “Singing Got Better”, she’s clearly losing perspective from overexposure to her creative partner.  At the start of the video, Ailee is clearly dressed for her partner’s funeral, then we go onto a flashback section where she’s working with her boyfriend songwriter.  While songwriting, the guy she’s with starts eating some fucking slop, after swallowing a mouthful he realises that he is eating pure shit.  Ailee however feeling sadistic from too many nights in the touring van putting up with his music taste insists on spoonfeeding him another few doses of gruel, which he calmly accepts but clearly isn’t very happy about, giving obvious fake smiles as he endures it for the good of the signing partnership.  Later, he’s seeing off a female friend with a polite kiss and as she is leaving Ailee arrives and sees them together.  Ailee being all irrational and shit naturally assumes that they’re fucking, but actually he was just confiding in her about Ailee’s clingyness and weird insistence on treating him like he’s two years old with the whole creepy spoonfeeding thing.  Ailee gets mad, he tries to explain but she isn’t having any of it, she goes nuts and then obviously hires Way’s Girls to take care of the problem.  Songwriters, don’t become another statistic – friends don’t let friends sleep with band members, no matter how hot they are.

Mind Your Own Business

Seemingly inspired about equally by T-ara’s iconic anti-netizen smackdown and Johnny Noh’s morally sketchy piss-poor journalism-lite, “Mind Your Own Business” is pure revenge fantasy.  Kicking off with some maudlin bedroom scenes showing Ailee crying over Allkpop’s lost journalistic integrity, we move onto a scene where her picture-leaking ex-boyfriend is cornered in a parking lot by some Way’s Girls subordinates who proceed to vandalise his fuel-efficient economical SUV thus deducting several points from Allkpop’s environmental credentials.  Devastated by this loss to his reputation, the man calls the attention of the local constabulary who quickly detain the vandals in some stylish prison uniforms, while the murderous Ailee makes a gesture indicating that she will kick his ass when she gets out.  Security at the prison is craptacular, so the girls escape and trash Daniel Lee’s bedroom.  He walks in and Ailee burns the last remaining topless photo and then subjects Daniel to some genital violence, because if there’s one thing that always makes everything okay, it’s violating someone’s private parts.  The score now settled, the video ends.

When the Ailee nude photo leak happened, lots of people piped up with statements to the effect of “well she was stupid to pose for nude photos in the first place”, but when it’s your boyfriend for his “private collection” there’s a certain level of trust there that you don’t expect to see broken (and a big fuck you to all the guys out there who do break that trust, because you’re the reason why I can’t get any of my smart, streetwise girlfriends to pose nude for any photos that I take – goddamnit).  Of course she should have known that he was connected to Allkpop but you’ve got to remember that Allkpop was once a fine morally upstanding site so there’s no way she would have suspected such a thing to happen.  What’s also worth knowing is that nude picture scams are quite common in the modelling industry generally and scammers will prey on young hopefuls, dangling the carrot of paid employment in exchange for a few “sample pictures”, click here for details on how such a scam actually happens.  Pictures often just get kept for fap purposes but can in some cases be on-sold to porn sites, used in banner ads etc, you never know where they end up, and of course once it’s on the Internet it’s there forever somewhere, there’s no getting rid of it.  What happened to Ailee has probably happened to someone you know personally who is just too terrified or embarrassed to say anything.  Don’t get caught by sneaky picture scammers because not only can you not turn back the clock but when you get busted exacting revenge most prisons you get sent to afterward are slightly higher security and have somewhat more attentive guards than the one in Ailee’s MV.

Insane

Ailee’s latest video at the time of writing, “Insane” is one of those “one take” videos that k-pop are so fond of, although it’s not really one take because like most videos of this nature the director uses quick panning transitions to cheat the eye.  During the video, Ailee is sleeping in bed when some pervert comes along and tries to take a look at her in her underwear.  Disappointed to find out that she sleeps with a substantial amount of clothes on, the guy then spends the next three and a half minutes trying to escape the scene as Ailee chases him around a series of rooms, trying to disorientate him and wear him down with confusing movements and horrible balladeering.  These sophisticated self-defense techniques work well – the man is no match for Ailee, eventually he decides he’s had enough and he closes the door on her, deciding that he’ll try Gain’s room down the hall (classy-sexy sequel coming soon courtesy of Mystic89).

While the self-defense techniques used in this video are advanced and shouldn’t be tried by anyone not able to produce unpleasant ear-piercing caterwauling and erratic, confusing dance moves as effectively as Ailee, there’s something to be said for women learning basic self-defense skills.  Self-defense isn’t trendy for women at the moment, the prevailing politically correct attitude being “men should shape up their behaviour, women shouldn’t have to defend themselves” and that may even be true but until we live in fucking Disneyland there are going to be creeps out there so it’s good to know how to deal with them.  If you get really good you can even learn advanced moves like how to kick Daniel Lee in the nutsack.

Anyway that’s it for this blog post and hopefully you were all entertained and educated by these amazing life lessons!