Welcome to the third episode of Kpopalypse dreams, where Kpopalypse delves into the most disturbing depths of his subconscious mind to bring you entertainment!

TRIGGER ALERT: watch out if you’re offended by sex, violence, T-ara, dreams, k-pop, reading short things, reading long things, reading in general, thinking, the Internet, breathing, life, determination and/or pictures of people with Roman numerals on them.

I’m in a school classroom, with old-style wooden/metal desks.  I’m playing a live action roleplaying game with various other random people and we’re engaged in some kind of battle with two teams.  Everyone is clustered together hitting each other with wooden swords.  I decide to keep my distance and use ranged attacks so I don’t get inadvertently hurt by some clumsy sword-swinger.  I notice Hyomin is on the other team, so I throw tiny plastic arrows at her face.  They hit her left cheek before bouncing off, leaving small red marks.

I’m at the plaza of Adelaide University, a horrible modernist architectural structure of resounding boxy ugliness.  I’m talking to a long-time follower of Kpopalypse blog who at the time of documenting this dream goes by the name of Clara fag.  We’re discussing the new Psy album.

Clara fag: I think the new Psy album is shitty.

Me: I don’t know, I think it’s okay.  Definitely far from great, but okay.

Clara fag: I hate it.

Me: Come on – how can you hate it?  It’s got Psy’s penis in it!

I have a physical copy of the latest Psy album with me.  I open it up and show Clara fag the inside of the photobook.  There’s a drawing of Psy as a baby in the womb, complete with a penis and umbilical cord.

I’m playing Pictionary with Sunny and Tiffany.  I have to draw a turtle on a whiteboard and they have to guess what it is.  I start drawing the body of the turtle and Tiffany almost immediately says “It’s a turtle!” before I’ve even finished the main body.  I think to myself that I must be a really good drawer of turtles for her to be able to guess it this quickly, but I’m also a bit annoyed because I was going to have fun drawing an awesome turtle and now I don’t get to finish the drawing.

It’s snowing in my neighbourhood, this is very unusual weather for where I live (it’s newsworthy when it happens) so I’m filming the snow through the window of my apartment.  I’m on the first floor so I have a nice view below onto a courtyard, where there are people walking.  There’s a woman in the apartment with me, I don’t know who she is, but she seems angry about something.  She leaves the apartment.  I continue to look out the window, and I see that now there’s a man and a woman walking, with two children.  The woman who was in my apartment appears in the courtyard, she walks up to the woman and shoots her.  She then shoots each of the two children in the head, and puts the gun in her mouth and shoots herself.  The man, seeing that his whole family has just died, picks up the same gun, puts it in his mouth and also shoots himself.  I continue filming as all five of them bleed out onto the snow.

A few minutes later, T-ara’s Soyeon walks by the same area, and I also capture this on film.  She looks exactly as she does in the “Don’t Forget Me” video.  I think to myself “oh no, she’s in trouble now – I bet netizens and Korean media blame Soyeon for this just because she happens to be in the area”.  I check my computer and I’m right – a few minutes later my SNS feeds are flooded with articles about it.  Netizenbuzz translates an article “Did Soyeon murder a family?” and the comments are all stuff like “I always knew there was something fishy about her”, “you can’t trust anyone in T-ara” etc.

I’m with my girlfriend and we enter a bookstore, with antique wooden decor and filled with wooden bookcases.  There’s a war section by the front door, my girlfriend finds a book called “2000 Years, An Illustrated History Of Boram”.  She says “look, it’s your mum!” and shows me the book.  I tell her that this looks interesting but I need to take a piss and I’ll look at it when I get back, so I wander through the bookstore looking for a toilet.  On the way through I see another book about Boram in the “film and literature” section called “Boram In Modern Cinema”.

I’m watching Hyomin’s new song on YouTube, it’s a Christmas comeback (even though it’s mid-January).  The video shows Hyomin singing in the studio, wearing typical studio headphones and singing into a large studio microphone.  The song is boring, the usual ballad Christmas crap.  The camera cuts to Eunjung in the control room, she’s giving the guy seated at the control desk a blowjob.  As she moves her lips up and down on his penis it’s revealed that the tip is covered with a small condom-sized Christmas stocking.  At the end of the video Hyomin and Eunjung get naked and the guy cums all over both of them.  I think about how T-ara’s ballad videos don’t have fast editing, and have become so much more visually appealing with much more daring concepts now that they’re not caring about what netizens think anymore.

I’m reading the newspaper.  On the third page there’s an article about Eunjung.  “EUNJUNG BUYS PROPERTY IN ADELAIDE HILLS” says the title.  I read further and the article talks about how much the property cost (about $1M Australian) and shows some real-estate brochure style photos, as well as a picture of Eunjung standing in front of the house.  Further down the page there’s news of an Eunjung fanmeet that’s going to be held in Adelaide, and a long list of rules for people attending the event.  I don’t bother to read the details, I figure that I’ll just get Eunjung on my radio show to promote the fanmeet instead and I’ll get to meet her that way.

I’m with Jiyeon, in my band’s large warehouse-style rehearsal room.  She says that we should both take a shower.  We both take off our clothes and step into the shower cubicle.  I watch Jiyeon take a shower, she complains that she feels faint and dizzy so I go over and stand next to her to stop her from possibly falling if she collapses.  I look down at her naked body, she’s very skinny and emaciated, I’m surprised to find that underneath the clothes she’s not appealing to me at all.

In a future post-apocalyptic society at war with itself for unknown reasons, T-ara break up and the resulting decrease of determination in society angers the Determinationbeast, a large bear/wolf creature that eats humans.  The Determinationbeast spends most of its time at the top of a mountain restrained in a wooden cage, where it can be seen and monitored easily.  However every so often the lack of determination among humans becomes so strong among the populace that the Determinationbeast grows strong enough to break its cage, runs down the hill and starts randomly eating people.

A friend shows me an online video where he once successfully evaded the Determinationbeast.  Sensing that the Determinationbeast was soon about to break his cage, he goes up to the Determinationbeast and says “I hate T-ara, they’re such bullies”.  The Determinationbeast becomes angry, flexes its wide torso and smashes its wooden cage easily, then charges down the mountain.  The man climbs up onto one of the broken bits of cage and from here he’s able to access a wooden walkway suspended from trees above the cage (a structure which is used by the people who feed and maintain the Determinationbeast when in captivity so they can do so safely), from here he calmly exits the area and the video ends.  While very fierce and strong, the Determinationbeast isn’t good with precise movements and isn’t able to jump up and follow him – blinded by rage, the Determinationbeast just runs down the mountain and stomps anyone in its path, leaving behind a trail of blood and dismembered bodies.  Eventually everyone either runs away, hides or is killed and professional Determinationbeast-handlers (men in Kendo-style protective gear waving big sticks) enter the scene and return the beast to its cage using a combination of stick-prods and T-ara’s “Sexy Love” playing on a ghetto-blaster, held in front of the Determinationbeast on a wooden pole.  My friend explains that if you stick to high ground it’s easy enough to not be eaten.

Later on that day, I am minding my own business on the side of the hill below where the Determinationbeast’s cage is, when I hear a roar and the sound of cracking wood – the beast is breaking loose again!  I’m not in a position to make the fancy grab for the walkway that my friend showed me in his tutorial, I have no choice but to run down the steeply sloping hill.  I run for a while, until I see an abandoned car in the way, I try to jump over the car but it doesn’t quite work, I trip and hit the car’s bonnet with my head and black out.

I awake inside a cave, there’s a small group of people here who belong to some kind of militia, they all have guns and dirty brown clothes.  A girl wielding an AK47 pats my forehead down with a wet sponge and then tells me to get up and follow the group.  We walk carefully through a network of dark tunnels.  She explains that they’ve built this underground network to hide from the Determinationbeast but that they are fighting for control of the tunnels with another group of people who have the same idea.  On our way through we meet some militia from the other side, everyone becomes cautious and readies their guns, but nobody shoots – the Determinationbeast is close up above, and can be heard breathing somewhere nearby, gunshots will alert it to our location and it could easily dig through the earth and kill all of us.  The two militias trade a few insults and the others say that they will kill us all “next time”.

We eventually come to a dingy underground hideout where the walls are lit with torches there are a lot of people in bunk beds.  Some of them look at me and say that I am the Chosen One because I have survived the Determinationbeast.  They all take out razors and start cutting the webbing between their thumbs and index fingers.  The militia girl explains to me that this is part of a religious doctrine and that they do this as an offering to the Chosen One.  I watch as everyone screams in pain while feverishly cutting themselves.  I try to tell people that I’m not that special but nobody will listen.

I’m travelling interstate with my brother and my girlfriend but having a hard time trying to work out how to get out of my own city.  Eventually I realise that I’m going around in circles.  I pull up the car near a venue that I played at once, I notice they’re screening a T-ara film.  I decide to stay and watch the film instead of travelling more.  The film is a behind the scenes film about Boram.  At the end of the film, she sings Jang Nara’s “Sweet Dream“.  Two fangirls sit next to me in the cinema after the film asking me questions similar to the ask.fm questions that I get.  They start taking off their clothes but they’re kind of irritating and not interesting to me so I decide that it’s best that I leave.  On the way out I notice on the marquee that the sequel to this film starring Jiyeon is playing the next night.

I look at my website and I notice that I’m getting 11000 hits per hour, a much higher rate than usual.  I have no idea why.  Someone on the street tells me it’s something to do with 60 Minutes picking up on something I wrote about EXO.

Later I’m watching a T-ara concert, we’re in the stalls at a seated venue.  My girlfriend is with me watching as well but only because I got her free tickets, she’s bored out of her mind but tolerating the concert only because she knows I’m enjoying it.  T-ara is the six girls and behind them are three keyboard players and one guy on an electronic drum kit.  The show starts with “Roly Poly“.  During the breakdown (“I likey likey dis”) everyone leaves the stage and the drummer hits one drum slowly and poses, my girlfriend and I both notice that he’s exceptionally ugly.  The girls all re-enter the stage for the last chorus.  The next song is “Cry Cry“.  The crowd goes off.  My girlfriend says to me “you owe me big time for this shit”.

I’m groping Sistar’s Dasom while laying on top of her, on a couch.  We’re both fully clothed.  She starts complaining about how she’s getting annoyed about going out with me, because I don’t do much to maintain the relationship, and I’m not very sensitive to her needs.  I tell her that I’m sorry she feels that way but I can’t read her mind.

Later, we’re in court giving statements.  We seem to have taken legal action against each other for some reason but I’m not sure why.

I’m watching a stage in a department store in a shopping mall.  Raina is modelling some clothes.  She stands on a podium that rotates so the gathered audience can see her from all angles.  An MC explains that the dress and the shoes are both being modelled, the dress is slightly see-through and similar to the Catallena-style outfits, the shoes are yellow and white cowboy style boots with pictures of seagulls on them.

Later, I’m at home watching TV, an advert comes on for the same items.  The ad has a World War II setting, and starts off by zooming up on a British soldier hidden in some trees, holding a sniper rifle, he talks about how he’s on the lookout for Axis troops.  He looks through his scope and sees Raina on the side of a nearly grassy hill, who is wearing the same clothes as she was in the department store, and even spins around on a podium in the same way.  He then says “but these clothes aren’t just for looks, but also when it’s time for action!” and Raina’s boots fold out into some kind of wooden cart vehicle.  Nana and Lizzy appear wearing British WWII military uniform and help drive the vehicle down a hill.  The camera cuts back to the man on the hill, who is now with Raina.  I’m in the scene now too and I pick up the sniper rifle and point it in the direction of where the soldier was looking.  “I can’t see anything with this”, I say, staring down the scope.  The soldier explains that the sniper scope does work but you have to be specially trained to see anything through it, however I can see that this is a lie and that it’s just for show.

I’m watching the new f(x) song.  It’s a bubbly upbeat three chord song called “Love Is Back”, musically it’s similar to KARA and Dal Shabet from about 2010-2011.  The girls from f(x) dance in the video across a plain white background, and smile directly to the camera lens.  However it seems that someone got the title of the song wrong, because while the video plays at the bottom of the screen are the words in red capital letters LOVE IS KILL.

I’m going to a Gfriend concert.  The ticket I have is a student concession only, but I’m not a student or of student age so I don’t have any concessions.  I hope for the best and hand my ticket in at the entrance anyway, hoping that maybe the person at the door neglects to notice.  No such luck – she asks for my concession card, I reply that I don’t have one.  I tell her that it’s being renewed but she doesn’t believe me and I’m unable to enter the concert.  I look up on a nearby computer about proof of age card rules and if there’s any way that I can quickly obtain a concession.  I can’t find anything relevant, although I do notice new rules that say that if you turn up to an 18+ venue with a JAV and a receipt for it, this now legally counts as proof of age.

Later I’m talking to my girlfriend.  She recommends another concert that she’s seen advertised on Facebook.  She shows me a poster, although the names are all in Hangul I recognise the characters for BTS, GOT7, SHINee and NCT U.  I tell her that I’d rather not go, as I’m not really interested in seeing boy groups live.

I’m talking with others online about artificial intelligence and how it will overtake all human thought soon.  All of a sudden I feel myself physically collapsing, falling through a brightly-coloured rainbow of horizontal waves of data.  A message appears: “JUST BECAUSE I HAVE DISCARDED YOUR PHYSICAL FORM DOES NOT MEAN I WILL NOT TAKE CARE” – it’s Dara+.  I’m surrounded by a warm euphoric feeling as my body goes numb and I become one with the machine.

It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at this week’s new releases!

Wings

Mintty – Already Go Lady

Peak sweg seems to have infected this ex Tiny-G member with a terminal case of the yolos.  What a pity.

Hey – LaChance!

Pianos that play themselves are no big deal and have been around for over a century, they should have just wheeled in a vintage one and saved that CGI money.

Sleepy ft. Bang Yong Guk – Body Lotion

This is pretty dull (was any rapper more aptly named than Sleepy) but at least it has a weird Aphex Twin style drop.

Three Men With Three Guitars – I Walked Through Spring With You

If the 80s taught us anything, it’s that good guitar playing is all very well and good but when it’s surrounded by a boring song nobody cares.

Matilda – Macarena

I didn’t play this when it came out because I forgot about it, and it’s easy to see why.  A horrible collision of screechy blues-based noise, and to make it even worse there’s an R&B breakdown.

Heechul & Wheein – Narcissus

Starts off shitty but starts really rocking out about halfway in.  Watching a four minute video for one and a half minute’s worth of decent music is a drag though.

Astronuts – Think About Us

Some fairly meh guitar rock thing but it breaks up all the yolo yolo and R&B I guess.

BearX – Rabbit Hole

The cheap-ass video concept is genius, pity they didn’t save any of that cleverness for the actual music.

Sungbong Choi – I Pray

I’m not wildly into this but the most amazing thing about this is just that it exists.  Make sure you read the guy’s book, or at least my book review to get a full appreciation for the fact that the dude is even alive.

BONUS SONGS

K-Tigers – Hero

I really wanted to play this one this week but I couldn’t find a playable copy in time.  Look at this video though.  This is obviously exactly what JJCC should have been.  Jackie Chan you SUCK.

K-Tigers – Neck Slice

They’re such dangerous martial artists that they’re willing to fearlessly clone Crayon Pop.  I’d pay to see a rumble between the female members of K-Tigers and Way’s Girls.  Jelly arena optional.

JeA ft Jung Yup – Bad Girl

On the other hand some stuff doesn’t get on the show just because it’s fucking shit.

That’s it for this week, more new k-pop next week!

It’s the return of fun Kpopalypse technical learny posts that you all love!  In this episode of “I likey likey dis and I dislikey dislikey dat”, we’re going to find out all about the Fender Rhodes!

If you’ve been a regular reader of Kpopalypse roundup, you’ll know that a song featuring a Fender Rhodes is released about every week in k-pop lately, and that these almost universally receive negative write-ups.  But what exactly is a Fender Rhodes, and more importantly, why is its inclusion in a k-pop song synonymous with super-low song quality?  Read on to find out more!

In the 1940s a US soldier and music teacher called Harold Rhodes took a break from assisting with the war effort by boring foreigners to death with dull music theory books to create a miniature electronic piano that bedridden soldiers could use.  Here’s what it looked like.

Portable electronic keyboards were unheard of at the time, so this was a pretty amazing invention.  Even if you had German shrapnel in your dick, you could operate one of these from your hospital bed and learn how to play the piano.

Here’s the man himself showing you what lives on the inside of his creation:

While a piano on the outside, the Rhodes piano was essentially an electrified xylophone on the inside – notes were produced by hammers striking metal, and the resulting sound of the bar vibration was then amplified with electromagnets.

Rhodes teamed up with Fender to make the Fender Rhodes pianos, but the early iterations of the Rhodes piano weren’t very popular.  This was because Leo Fender thought that the higher notes of the Rhodes piano sounded like fucking ass cancer, and so he only approved “piano bass” models of the invention that had the lower notes only.  Then the Fender company was bought out by CBS in 1965, and CBS were just like “fuck it, whatever man” and let Rhodes make full-scale fancy-ass piano versions in different configurations with up to 88 keys.

So that’s what it looks like… but what does it sound like?  Just listen to almost any fucking wimpy pussy ballad k-pop comeback at all in the last few months and you’ll find the Fender Rhodes keyboard sound front and center.  It’s the main sound driving this little snippet of a new Lovelyz song, for instance.

Lovelyz also used it in “Shooting Star”, where you can hear it in the intro:

Of course they’re not the only ones.  The Fender Rhodes is often used as “filler” sonic material in the weaker end of k-pop, noodling around in the back of shitty R&B ballads, like this song here, and hundreds of other generic songs that sound exactly like this one:

So what is it that makes the Fender Rhodes so suited to this type of absolute fucking shit?  Well, as you can hear,  the Fender Rhodes piano has a very mellow sound like a xylophone but with very little dynamic range.  “Dynamic range” refers to volume difference – notes of the Fender Rhodes tend to always come out at around the same volume.

Here’s the internal action of the Fender Rhodes keys, which will (hopefully) demonstrate why this is the case:

Pressing a key (3-4) on the Rhodes causes the hammer tip (14) to strike the tine (13 – a small metal rod) which vibrates the tone bar (11 – the large xylophone-style bar), producing the sound.  The tine and tone bar are two separate parts connected by a mounting screw (10), so the hammer isn’t directly striking on the actual part that makes the sound, but the tine which is a secondary part attached to the bar.  This softens the vibration – you can hit the tine pretty hard but only a small amount of vibration will transfer to the tone bar.  Compare this to a traditional piano action:

On a piano, striking the key (1) causes the hammer tip (32) to directly hit the string (41), which resonates and produces the sound.  Because the hammer is directly striking the part that vibrates and generates the sound, there’s a lot more control over the resulting volume.  The piano’s full original name was “pianoforte” which translates to “soft/loud”, as it was this characteristic which set it apart from other keyboard instruments when the piano was invented.  As a result of this dynamic flexibility, the piano can be used to make very pleasant music, or very harsh music.  On the other hand, the Fender Rhodes because of its lack of dynamic range cannot actually be used to make music that isn’t “smooth” (i.e boring) in some way.  It is quite literally boredom in a box.  Even the Rhodes’ main rival in the marketplace at the time, the Wurlitzer electric piano, had a better fucking sound than the Rhodes because the Wurlitzer’s mini-piano-style action meant that when you hit the keys hard you would at least get some crunchy distortion out of it.

Not so with the Fender Rhodes.  The only interesting thing about the Rhodes sound is that most versions of the keyboard have a stereo tremolo effect which makes the notes sound like they are fading in and out and moving from side to side in stereo.  This tremolo sound (deliberately mislabeled “vibrato” on the actual instrument because Fender are stupid) proved popular and became a characteristic part of the “Rhodes sound”, but it’s still a very soft kind of sound which makes the Fender Rhodes tone even more wispy and nothingy than usual, as it’s quite literally fading in and out of existence.  You can hear this sound in full effect on all the video examples above.

So that’s why the Fender Rhodes sounds like shit, but it doesn’t answer the real question – why does k-pop keep fucking using it?

It’s a mystery, nobody truly knows the answer.  Here are some possibilities which may be true or false, pick your favourite.

THE VOCALFAG THEOREM

It’s probably related to that other disgusting cancer in k-pop – excessive vocal showing-off to please the sickening and misguided technique-obsessed fetishes of pop music listeners with scholarly pretensions.  The smooth, inoffensive, bland-as-wallpaper sound of the Rhodes is so backgroundy in nature that audio engineers don’t even have to be any good at mixing to make sure that it doesn’t sonically intrude on those oh-so-important vocal lines that everyone masturbates themselves to death over.

KOREA IS BORING

Korean society is more conservative and dull so they prefer softer sounds that don’t threaten their desire for tidy homes, working long hours for little pay and keeping their heart rate at a nice low steady pace.  The minimal dynamics of the Fender Rhodes allow Koreans to navigate through the drudgery of existence seamlessly without undue stress, worry or excitement.

RETRO FETISH

The same weird fetish that drives people to buy vinyl in 2016 even though they don’t own anything to play the vinyl on is also driving studio engineers to collect weird arcane instruments and shit up stupid Korean ballads with their suckitude.

HIVE-MIND FUN TIMEZ

After many years of no Fender Rhodes in k-pop someone in Korea had a surprise hit with a Fender Rhodes shitball.  Now we’re stuck with the fucking sound as every two-bit producer in Korea tries to imitate that producer’s success, not realising that it was the uniqueness of the sound that helped that song become a hit and with everyone now doing the same thing a repeat performance is impossible.

THE CONTAINER POSTULATION

A shipping container full of Rhodes keyboards lost at sea for decades suddenly washed up on the shores of South Korea around a year ago.  Poverty-stricken street-urchins raided the container and on-sold the vintage keyboards to studios across the country.  Seems legit as even though a Fender Rhodes is quite pricey these days seemingly everyone in Korea from the most well-known to the most nugu gets to record something with a Rhodes on it eventually.

Who knows the real reason, feel free to come up with more potential reasons in the comments below!  In the meantime, now you know all about the Fender Rhodes and why it sucks!  Have fun avoiding this sound in k-pop for the future!

Oh and credit to www.fenderrhodes.com for some of the images.  Those sad, sad people.  Why not pay their site a visit and feel appropriately sorry for them?

It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup – let’s take a look at some new releases!

U-KISS

AOA ft. Takanori Nishikawa – Give Me The Love

Sorry that I held back on this one but I needed to find some audio for the radio show that was of playable quality and didn’t have car noises in it every 2 seconds before I could play it, and with Japanese releases that’s always a longer process.  No great loss to wait an extra week if you ask me as the song isn’t really anything that great.

Up10tion – Attention

This song I held back last week too and it didn’t really make an impression on me either but seriously this has to be the year’s best choreography so far.

Lovelyz – Destiny

I’m not sure where people are getting “j-pop influences” from – the strings, circle of fifths progression and hook are all straight out of 1970s disco-pop-lite, but then I guess most k-pop fans’ music listening doesn’t even go there.

Twice – Cheer Up

Twice have a second mediocre stab at reworking Shannon Williams’ great “Why Why“, right down to the reggae-lite bridge this time.  The light and shade in the arrangement is welcome but overall it’s just a bit messy and clearly not working out for them, maybe something different is in order next time (just not a Fender Rhodes-driven ballad kthx).

Seventeen – Pretty U

This one’s nothing awful or anything but so unremarkable that even Seventeen’s own fans are unimpressed by it.

Lee Hi – My Star

Aiming for a “Lion Heart“/”Sugar Sugar” style retro thing here, but they try to make Lee Hi carry it on her blues-bends alone instead of writing a proper song.

VIXX – Dynamite

VIXX’s songwriters have a half-assed crack at the type of thing that SHINee has been doing lately.

Berry Good – Angel

Actually this is really good and I’m now going to pretend that all their shit songs between “Love Letter” and this one didn’t happen.  Dunno about those vocal breakdowns near the end though.

Sugardonut – Imagine, Close Your Eyes

Not really into the dull Coldplay/Mumford & Sons-ish verses, but they’re just a build up to an incredibly kick-ass chorus and keyboard riff.  Also the dancing duo are fantastic, they’re like a k-pop version of that great “idgaf” industrial dance couple.

Jambinai – They Keep Silence

Korea are generally hopeless at rock, with almost everything sounding like a watered-down, pussified, wimpy weak knock-off of similar western artists custom-made for a generation of softies.  Jambinai are the exception.  Hold onto your fucking genitals before you click play on this one, you Fender Rhodes ballad-liking pussies.

BONUS SONGS

Eunji – Hopefully Sky

I didn’t forget this song, I just didn’t play it last week because it’s fucking shit and I wasn’t going to play it this week either.  Grating harmonica all throughout is the diarrhoea-icing on a terrifying shit-cake.

Choyoung – Our Thing

God that piano sounds like crap, like a $200 entry-level weighted-keyboard student piano synth being played through a practice amp.  Some better production wouldn’t have hurt.

MBLAQ – Say Love

Typical sleepy restaurant ballad, nothing to see here.

Vibe ft. Gummy – 1 Year (365 Days)

And again.  Move along, everyone.

Louie (Geeks) ft. Yook Sung Jae (BTOB) – On The Four-Lane Road

All I got from this video is that there’s too many cars in Korea, and there’s also too many songs like this.

RESULTS OF THE TWITTER COMPETITION

Actually there were at least eight (probably even more than that), but here’s the four I was looking for:

BeautyHandsome – The One

Just to prove what I was saying in my other post that a Fender Rhodes shitball really does come out each and every fucking week in k-pop, here’s one I randomly found.

Hobby – Love Fool

Nobody is too nugu for Fender Rhodes.

Ken ft. U-Prime, Skolor, ONDO – Fine

Awful Fender Rhodes turds aren’t just for the pop end of the spectrum, Korean rappers also use it to make their beats soft and boring.

Melo & Eden – No One Like You

Even trap is not exempt!  The only reason why every single Kpopalypse roundup since the series begun doesn’t have a Rhodes song is just because I tend to skip over most of them because I assume nobody gives a shit.  Nobody won the competition because with such a high density of this crap coming out each and every week in Korea winning such a competition is impossible, there are too many options – which was of course the whole point of having such a competition, to point this out.

EVEEN MORE BONUS FENDER RHODES GARBAGE

Bizzy ft. Bumzu – All I Need

The Rhodes takes a while to appear here.  This song quotes Notorious B.I.G’s “Hypnotise“, which does it no favours because it only reminds the listener how much better that song is than this one.  “Hypnotise” isn’t just better but it doesn’t have any Rhodes, not a coincidence.

Defconn – No More Pain

The keyboard that starts this one off is actually a different type, but once the beat kicks in the Rhodes starts gradually working its way in, like a subway molester moving their hand up your leg.

Goofy – Old Song

A better keyboard choice and less singy-songy chorus bullshit and this song (and hundreds of others just like it) might’ve even turned out okay.  Fuck rappers who go “smooth”.

Oh and there’s Rhodes in that Seventeen song too, although you have to listen close to hear it.  That’s EIGHT Rhodes comebacks just in this post!  If you love the sound of the Rhodes it’s your lucky week, for everyone else let’s hope this sound falls out of fashion soon!

That’s it for another Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!

The latest web-based AI intelligence image-recognition program and shining example of the future of infotech is Microsoft’s CaptionBot, a program that will describe any image that you send to it.

CaptionBot is an astounding piece of software that can recognise many images of different things, but can it determine trufax from fiction in the world of K-pop?  Read on as Kpopalypse puts CaptionBot to the test!

Test: 2NE1

Being an AI, CaptionBot was naturally able to correctly identify this image of advanced AI program Dara+, and even sensed more technology than was present in the actual image.

As the other members of 2NE1 are not AIs they were not easily recognisable to CaptionBot, who mistook both CL and Minzy as SNSD’s Kim Taeyeon.

Minzy looked 64% like Taeyeon to CaptionBot, which is 2% more like Taeyeon than CL, however it’s worth noting that Taeyeon only looked 66% like Taeyeon.

Bom however, does not look like Taeyeon.

Test: T-ara

CaptionBot is fairly sure that Jiyeon is Jiyeon.  However, due to the strength of the cyclops beams, Jiyeon confused CaptionBot’s ability to identify objects that Jiyeon is holding.

CaptionBot was however successfully able to filter out and ignore random worthless netizen brain-farts when assessing images of Jiyeon.

Irrelevant ex-T-ara members were not recognisable by name to CaptionBot, but the program was still able to detect traces of their low determination levels.

Even when smiling on the outside, CaptionBot knows that Hwayoung is lacking in determination on the inside.

CaptionBot knows that Hwayoung doesn’t have work foremost in her mind and can sense her inner laziness, as Hwayoung imagines what she’d rather be doing instead of working.  Perhaps MBK can utilise CaptionBot to determine low determination in the future, to prevent unfortunate mishap.

Test: SNSD

CaptionBot is able to correctly determine bicycles (the wall is obviously white).

However when bicycles are near Yoona, they becomes invisible due to the powerful protective aura of boredom that Yoona provides.

Maybe this aura can one day be used to prevent advanced AIs from accessing unauthorised data.  Any war against a future rogue AI would clearly be best conducted from bicycles, with Yoona.

As for Sunny, CaptionBot believes that she will be getting married soon. Or maybe Captionbot just wants to marry Sunny itself.

Captionbot clearly wants to get its hands on Sunny’s “toys”.

Test: JAV

JAV star identified correctly.  The male person identified in the black shirt and tie is probably me, reflected in Maria Ozawa’s pupils.

CaptionBot knows JAV, it clearly watches a lot of it.  Nice surfboard, Hitomi!

Now that we’ve tested and confirmed CaptionBot’s abilities as 100% accurate, let’s put it to some real work!

K-POP CONTROVERSIES

Remember that lame controversy about Tzuyu waving some flag or some bullshit?  Turns out it wasn’t even her, it was a man laying on that bed.

My money’s on this transgender man here.

IU was just brushing her teeth, all along.  Eunhyuk just cares about good dental hygiene, and was visiting IU because her teeth were in poor health, just like Loen said.  Gosh, people can be so cynical.

Eunjung is another person who cares about dental hygiene, and is clearly wiping the plaque of Hwayoung’s teeth here, because Hwayoung is clearly a grot and too lazy to clean her own teeth.  Biased people with fertile imaginations will read anything into anything, but CaptionBot is objective and has the trufax.  Notice how once again CaptionBot also detects the difference in determination levels.

CaptionBot has proven to be perfectly capable of recognising any image of Jiyeon, but doesn’t identify her in this case, therefore she wasn’t the girl in that notorious webcam.

Just a woman posing for a picture who seems happy.  If you want to read more into it than what’s there, that’s your problem.

The Ailee controversy is exactly what we all thought – Johnny Noh is a female voyeur who likes to watch people standing in front of mirrors.

According to CaptionBot, Choiza doesn’t actually even exist.  That means Sulli is still available!  Form an orderly queue, no shoving!

You all saw pedophilia because you’re all disgusting closet pedophiles who are obsessed with pedophilia so you see it everywhere, but it’s just a birthday cake.

Can’t a girl hold a hair brush in peace anymore?

CaptionBot knows the truth.

That’s all for Kpopalypse!  Hopefully you enjoyed this incredibly factual post and more posts will be on the way soon… and watch out for stealth cats!

Welcome to another episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!

It’s that time again, time when Kpopalypse delves into the depths of nugudom to bring you entertainment!  Read on to take a look at some nugus!

I’ve focused on the music video a lot in Nugu Alert, and there’s two reasons for this.  The first reason is that bizarre shit happening in music videos gives me stuff to write about that’s a little bit easier to convey than just talking about music alone.  After all not everybody is conversant in music theory and technical terms so sometimes it cam be difficult to engage an audience of readers when just talking about the music by itself, as explaining musical terminology is quite literally another language.  It’s hard enough for people to get into nugu groups as it is without me creating extra barriers to their reading comprehension!  Secondly there’s the fact that from the perspective of the the k-pop industry, the music video is actually a more important part of the package than the song – because it’s how your favourite k-pop performers look that is usually going to land them those valuable all-important company-floating endorsement deals rather than how they sound.  The song is there to get people to look at the video, which is there to give a platform for the performers, which is there to get those performers on other, more lucrative platforms.  Therefore I highlight the video as an important thing, because in the chain of events that combine to make k-pop a viable industry, it is.

There’s a problem however.  Music videos have to look professional to be noticed, and professionally-shot music videos that blow the minds of watchers and make people with dollars think “wow, I really should hire that idol to sell my new brand of anal salve” are not cheap.  What if nugu group x is on nugu company x and that company just doesn’t have the cash to float a music video?  Well, if all else fails you can just shoot your fucking dance practice and pass that off as an official music video instead, and that’s what this episode of Kpopalypse Nugu Alert is all about – dance practice videos!  In this episode we’re going to look at some nugus who promoted a new song with dance practices only!  Usual rules apply:

• Less than 20,000 hits for official MVs
• Give-a-fuck quota among the general k-pop following population is low
• Kpopalypse gives all his fucks

Let’s get it started!

Bloomy – Hmph

Bloomy are already known to quite a few of my readers and I’m honestly surprised that they still qualify for Kpopalypse Nugu Alert.  They will probably have busted through the 20,000 view count on some of their content by the time you read this, so it’s good that I was able to squeeze them in here just in time before they blow up and become the next Girls’ Generation.  Being on the higher end of the nugu scale, Bloomy’s agency don’t settle for just a single camcorder in a gym but do their best to mix up the visuals by interspersing the dance practice shots with a few cuts of the girls as individuals in various other glamourous locations in the DS Entertainment headquarters.

Here’s the blonde girl who looks like a cross between Raina and Jisook in the communal cafeteria.  The building is labelled KETC, which gives away the nuguness of DS Entertainment; they don’t own their own building but have to lease the facilities from a larger company.

You can tell that their gym/converted office space is a rental because apart from the logo, they’ve been careful not to make any installations that mark the walls, and are using a portable PA and air-conditioning.

You’ll also notice that all the footage outside the gym has been shot at night.  When you cohabitate an office space with a bunch of other companies, if you want to do anything fancy you have to wait until night for all the workers from everywhere else to fuck off and leave so you can shoot your aegyo scenes without interruption.

DS Entertainment are notable as the home of slightly less nugu boy group A6P who the label actually can afford videos for, and here we can see Rainook of Bloomy in the office corridor in front of a bunch of still photos, none of which are Bloomy and which I can only presume are of A6P members taking holidays overseas and basking in the sun sipping Pina Coladas while Bloomy sweat it out in the gym on four hours sleep per night.  Anyway don’t be too sad for them as the fortunes of Bloomy are increasing – shortly after this video came out they actually got to film a legit music video… in Nugu Park, of course.

YouTube views at time of writing: 16733

Notable attribute: gym fire extinguisher not mounted on wall as per the KFPA National Fire Code Article 10

Nugu Alert rating: low

Hady – Hello

Stuck on one of nugudom’s lower rungs is Hady, who sadly weren’t able to escape the four walls of the gym for this video, however they were still able to mix things up by cleverly utilising two separate sides of the same gym room to add some visual variety, effectively creating a “light” and “dark” set.

Okay, so the wood veneer floor messes up the illusion a bit but there’s only so far the budget will go.  Unfortunately for Hady, neither their song, music production or cinematography is up to Bloomy’s standard, but at least they get a nice couch to rest on between takes, and with k-pop girls typically averaging at about 50kgs I’m pretty sure that all four of them could fit side-by-side on that couch with no problem.  The portable PA was a bit beyond Hady’s budget however, with the group making do with a tiny stereo system up against the wall to pump out their tune, but at least the label was still able to spring for a portable air-conditioner, as I’m sure it gets hot and sweaty in Chanbro’s basement.  I’m not sure who the mysterious figure Chanbro is or why his name is on everything here, maybe he’s the Korean equivalent of Polites, the annoying cunt who owned half the buildings in Adelaide’s red light district and had signs with his name on them put up that to this day are pointlessly hanging from them all.

YouTube views at time of writing: 1592

Notable attribute: rare sighting of Chanbro’s foot at 2:57

Nugu Alert rating: extreme

P.L.O – Lalala

Let’s not forget the boy groups, because nugu dance practice videos are for everyone.  Not to be confused with the Palestine Liberation Organisation but possibly by now just as destitute and war-weary, P.L.O are the latest multi-member ensemble boy group to hit k-pop.  I counted twelve members in this video but I’m not sure if that’s accurate because the low resolution, the odd angle that this hand-held video has been shot on and the difference in orientation of the mirrored wall panels all combine to make it a little hard to discern what it is that I’m actually looking at, also I’m not sure if they’re all legit in the group or there’s some backdancers in the mix.  Why would they shoot it like this?  Perhaps it’s a device to get all twelve boys and their routine in the frame, because maybe the room was just that fucking small that the mirror corner was the only place for the cameraperson to go.  As it happens they don’t even have a building of their own but rented out a dance practice studio for this, maybe they should have spent the extra money on hiring a bigger room.  Obviously this handicam video was never meant to be the official real deal, but the only trace I could find of an official video was this ambitious-looking CGI-drenched horror preview:

And also this short dance-style MV preview:

However the actual song itself has been out for six months now.  Will P.L.O ever rise from the depths of nugudom?  Will we ever get to see “Lalala” as it was intended, or will it join the esteemed ranks of Goddess’ “Dirty Boy” as one of the great lost k-pop videos that was teased to the public but never arrived in its full form?  Maybe an intrepid caonima can find it and enhance the quality of our lives!

YouTube views at time of writing: 639

Notable attribute: guy at the back at 2:10 fading fast, someone please help him stay hydrated

Nugu Alert rating: extreme

That’s all for Nugu Alert this time, Kpopalypse will return with more nugus at a future date!

It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at this week’s new releases!

Vividiva

BTS – Fire

At least uptempo boy-band-by-numbers is better than downtempo boy-band-by-numbers.  Here at Kpopalypse HQ we have to be grateful for small mercies.

CocoSori – Exquisite!

CocoSori continue on their path as Orange Caramel 2.0 with twice the forced-viral gimmicky bullshit and half the songwriting/production skill.  Oh well, at least it’s fast, so it’s over quickly.

Apink – The Wave

I love the bit where the Apink girls sing over the white text backdrop that lists all their much better songs that you’ll wish you were listening to instead.

Gfriend – Wave

I love it how there’s a shred guitar solo in every Gfriend song.  Seems like the girls share their dorm with the most frustrated metal guitarist ever.

April – Tinker Bell

April are back, complete with short skirts, labia-tone lipstick, and easily their best song yet.  Just don’t tell Chris Hansen.

Park Boram – Dynamic Love

Of course she has to have “Park” in there to differentiate herself from the One True Boram.

OTOT – OO

Don’t ask, I have no idea either.  But this is cool so FUCK you.

Inlayer – Mindjack

I guess SM Station ran out of shit ballads so they wheeled in this Animals As Leaders style prog-metal group.  For once I actually want to hear what something sounds like with Taeyeon’s voice over the top.

XL Squad – We The Future

They may look like high-schoolers squinting in the sunlight after stepping out of an 18-hour Starcraft 2 marathon, but the beats are great.  Shit is real in Korea’s gaming cafes.

Vidan – Wishes Of The Rings

This ballad is pretty good and probably deserves its own post to help explain why and how Korea gets this type of thing oh-so-very-wrong 99% of the time.

BONUS SONGS

Lamb C – Home (Closer)

They think pairing this shit Rhodes ballad with driving footage will “relax” us but we all remember Ladies Code and now I just want to listen to Slayer and chug heaps of caffeine.

Babylon ft. Dok2 -Between Us

Fender Rhodes AND Dok2.  Mathematically, it could only be worse if it also had a dubstep harmonica section.

Lou.de – Disrespectful Breakup

With the still picture of guitars in a grimy run-down room plus that group name I half-expected some actual loud rock music here.  Silly me.

Hyuna & Hyemi (Nine Muses) – Confession

Well, this is boring.  Next.

No Brain – Living Paycheck To Paycheck

No Brain always sound a bit watered down to me, like a very polite Rancid, and politeness has no place in music like this.

Megan Lee – Stronger

America already has Katy Perry so this is a waste of time musically, but watching Megan caterwaul about how Kim Tae Woo is probably a fuckwit is kinda cool.  Fuck g.o.d, fuck them in the ass.

Yesung – Here I Am

Ugh.

J-Block – Like A Shower

A shower of what, is the question.

Mighty Mouth ft. Soya – Nice 2 Meet U

Any rap song with “Nice 2 Meet U” as the title is obviously going to be shit. Go hard or go home, kids.

Tao – The Road

Tao knows all about going hard, having experienced the hard life in SM, represented in this video as a gang of faceless corporate thugs.  10/10 for accuracy.

Wow, I’ve gotten more questions about reality TV show Produce 101 and their associated group I.O.I than just about anything else in this blog’s entire history!  So here a post where I tackle all 238672 questions that I received about this shithouse TV series.  Read on and enjoy, or be completely fucking bored out of your brain like I was when I wrote this!  Yay!

[note: insert some kind of preamble here, maybe with a personal anecdote or whatever, just something to draw readers in so they’re willing to tolerate the fact that the rest of this blog is just a bunch of boring questions and answers that nobody cares about]

So what is Produce 101?

Produce 101 is some dumb fucking reality bullshit show for fuckheads where some girls compete to be in some girl group or some shit.  At least that’s what I think it’s about, I sure as fuck didn’t watch any more than a few minutes of it.  Maybe it’s not about this.  Maybe it’s about elephants doing cartwheels.  Fuck, who knows.  [note: edit this if I ever actually watch the show]

What do you think of the song “Pick Me” that was released at the start of the TV series?

It’s shitty.

I expected to see “Pick Me” on your worst of 2015 songs list, why wasn’t it there?  Did you forget about it?

It wasn’t shitty enough to get on my worst songs of 2015 list or even gain a dishonourable mention, only because there was a LOT of crap that came out last year so competition was very tough, the song sucked but it didn’t stand out.

Some people say Produce 101 was staged, was it?

All reality TV is staged.

You mean that they follow a script?

In some cases, yeah.  For instance in some tiny section of Produce 101 that I accidentally watched which I can’t find because I can’t be fucked finding it, I remember watching two girls walk across the front of the stage as if nobody was around going “wow, this is the stage where we’ll be competing” or whatever, but of course there was someone around because a TV camera was there.  Fucking obviously staged bullshit trying to pass itself off as some “spontaneous” narrative-building bullcrap.

[note: if someone could be fucked finding that bit of footage I might put it in this space, or not]

Of course, most reality TV “staging” isn’t with a fixed script, it’s more about generating setups of archetypes and situations that create drama “naturally”.  Western TV shows search for genuine archetypes carefully but I’m not sure if the Korean ones give that much of a shit, however having a story to tell is something that they all definitely need.  If a story isn’t there “genuinely”, it can always be “created” by the editing process.

They don’t “coach you to cry” but what they can do is build a “narrative of tears” (or joy, if that’s appropriate).

What about the contracts, were they fair?

Hahahahaha no.  Reality TV contracts are never fair, with so many people wanting to be on such shows the laws of supply and demand will ensure this is always the case.  However, on the bright side at least the newbie girls who were on that series didn’t have any trainee debts to worry about, they got a brief inside look at reality TV bullshit and then walked away with nothing to show for it, but nothing was lost either except a few weeks out of their lives.  On the other hand the girls who were already signed to agencies were already subservient to a completely different set of legal agreements, of which Produce 101 would have been just a small part, and they probably all have enough debt each to pay for a new car or two each.  More info in my post about marketing idols because I couldn’t be fucked going through all that again.

What did you think about the 12 contract terms that the Korean Fair Trade Commission thought were unfair?

Well here they are at this link but they’re all in Korean so I don’t know what they are exactly.

From what I’ve been able to ascertain from other media articles and poor-quality translations, plus guesswork, here’s the 11 secret herbs and spices 12 unfair terms and conditions and what I think, not what I think “morally” speaking because that’s the boring domain of other bloggers with actual morals, but what I think in terms of what they are, why they’re included and how they got in there:

1. The show can edit shit any way they want and if you’re a contestant and you don’t like how it makes you look, too bad. This clause would be essential for the building of fake-ass narratives and something like it would exist on all reality TV shows.  They’re obviously not going to give contestants say over the all-powerful editing process which is the engine that drives all reality TV (see the Screenwipe video above).  There is no chance of this clause changing, the show literally can’t exist without it.
2. Not sure
3. Something about how if trainees come up with original works while under contract, those works belong to Produce 101.  This clause is a pretty common clause for any employment contract within a large corporation of any kind – while you’re working for them, anything you create is their intellectual property.  In other words girls, if you’re a songwriter, wait until you get booted out before you write that hit single.
4. Something about how contestants can’t sue for breach of moral rights, whatever that means.  Fuck, I dunno.
5. The show can boot your ass out at any time, no matter what.  It’s a “competition” so a clause like this seems kind of normal in this context.
6. Something about excessive damages but it’s hard to say, could mean a few different things.
7. I think this is something to do with other companies who make agreements with Produce 101’s company can hire the girls out for promotional shits and giggles or whatever and if you’re a contestant you can’t object.
8. I don’t understand this one even a little.
9. If somebody is injured or dies, this clause absolves the creators of the show from any legal liability.  They’re basically waiving duty of care to look after the health of the contestants.  Don’t go on any ferry rides, girls!
10. If the show makes you as a contestant look like shit by saying that when you were ten years old you raped chickens when you really didn’t, and you gain a reputation after the show ends as “that chicken rapist”, you can’t sue the show.  Basically anti-defamation-suit clause, it’s there because all narratives need heroes and villains, so they want freedom to make someone a villain if necessary to save the show from shit ratings.
11. If you’re a contestant or an immediate family member of a contestant, you’re not allowed to go online and blab about all the show’s dark dirty secrets and about how the stage manager made you pee into a teapot and drink it that one time.  Just more ways for the show to protect themselves.
12. No idea what the last clause is but who cares.

[note: will edit this if I get better translations]

[note: that was a big list so I could probably find another stupid picture and put it here to break up the text, maybe I can find an excuse to use Hyomin and Jiyeon in those white t-shirts, then I can save the pictures for later use, or maybe I’ll just forget about it]

What is I.O.I?

I.O.I is the name of the girl group that was formed out of the TV series with all the “winners”.  Although after looking at the trainee contracts maybe they should be called I.O.U.

What do you think of the I.O.I song “Crush”?

Quite boring really.

Do you have a bias in the group?

No.

What do you think about the controversy about some girl in the group being an attention whore?

I haven’t investigated this because people who think they can tell someone’s true personality just by watching them on TV are the lowest grade of moron so their views don’t concern me.  Gaining attention however is the entire fucking point of the show for these girls, surely.  Sounds like she was the only one who had the right idea.

[note: A guy I know got jailed for murder last week.  He hated k-pop too, he’d always tell me that my radio show sucked.  Of course, he was right.  What a shame to see someone with such great music taste mess up his own life like that, hope he’ll be okay in jail.  Just mentioning this because this is way more interesting to me than some bullshit TV show and I’m trying to keep myself awake through this post so I can finish it.  Also I’m going on tour this weekend so I won’t be on ask.fm, make sure you leave lots of pointless questions for me, preferably not ones about Produce 101 or I.O.I thanks.]

Do you like I.O.I’s new song “Dream Girls”?

It’s not out at the time of writing.  Here is their teaser video.

I haven’t watched this because I don’t watch teaser videos [note: insert convoluted unfunny explanation of why I don’t watch teaser videos here].  When the full MV comes out I’ll probably devote about two thoughtless sentences to it in Kpopalypse roundup.

What did you think of the songs on the “35 Girls 5 Concepts” mini album that came out partway through the show?

In The Same Place – generic and boring bullshit, like an Apink filler album track

FingerTips – dull trap-influenced snoozefest, reminds me of that awful song by Cosmic Girls

Yum Yum – similar but not much better, so sonically crowded like the recent Twice song

Don’t Matter – actually not bad, sounds like that one Mamamoo song that isn’t shit

24 Hours – also reasonable, like a mix of old and new T-ara, although not as good as either

Why did Cathy and Chaeyeon leave DIA, wasn’t the whole point of them being in Produce 101 to promote DIA?

The road of MBK girl groups is the road of maximum determination.  I couldn’t cope with it if I were a girl group member and neither could you.  Cathy and Chaeyeon probably found themselves lacking in determinations, they are probably taking some time out in the Bad Thoughts Room to study the brick.

Are you bored of Produce 101 questions on ask.fm?

Yes!

[note: try and insert some kind of meta content here to wrap the whole post up that suggests how boring the whole concept of a Produce 101 post is, and generally insinuates in a rude cunty unpleasant way that anyone who actually read down this far is severely lacking in common sense, try and make it abusive enough for dark humour value without actually losing readers.  I guess if I can’t think of anything I could ramble on about some irrelevant bullshit, whatever]

It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s take a look at some of this week’s new releases!

Seventeen

I.O.I – Dream Girls

[note: write a thoughtless sentence here about this shitty song and what I think about it or I’ll get a million boring questions about it]

Akdong Musician – Re-Bye

Suhyun is by far the most attractive person on the YG roster these days and it’s just as well that she’s pretty because that’s all this group are riding on.

Akdong Musician – How People Move

People are acting like this song and “Re-Bye” are way different but they’re built from exactly the same blues-based foundation and thus are equally boring to Kpopalypse.

Rehab + Amber & Luna – Wave

SM release “4 Walls” again and try to pass it off as something different by branding it as an SM Station release, but surely nobody is fooled by this… oh wait, we’re talking about k-pop fans here, never mind.

MIXX – Oh My Mind

Combines that shitty trap beat that was in that fucking hideously bad A.KOR Black song, Fender Rhodes keyboards and sport in the video.  You know it’s a bad week in k-pop when shit like this actually manages to scrape onto the playlist.

BONUS SONGS

Hwang In Sun – Emoticon

Another blues-based song without proper melody or chord changes.  The video game concept is kinda cool though.

Lucia – Inner

Someone on ask.fm told me that this trash was like X Japan’s “Endless Rain“, sorry but it’s not even close.

ZE:A J – Just Tonight

Look at him opening that car door so confidently, like he actually can afford a vehicle like that.  Poor ZE:A.

Woohyun (Infinite) – Nod Nod

Typically awful ballad mush.  Don’t hit those drums too hard you fucking pussies.

Pascol – Wish You’d Benefit From Me

What that empty space behind them is all about I’m not sure, but don’t you just want to roll by on a skateboard and push them into it?

Park Si Yeon – Thought Of You

Just like Korea’s pop stars use these crappy ballads as filler to pad out their albums, I use these same ballads to pad out my bonus songs list so it looks longer and more impressive than it really is.  Nothing of note here, just keep scrolling down.

Crush – Woo Ah

This kid is lucky he’s Korean, where I grew up you could get a broken nose if you didn’t have a comprehensive knowledge of the band whose T-shirt you wore.  I always found Joy Division dull compared to New Order, but listening to this boring bullshit makes me with I was hearing their turgid, awful, droning “classic” “Never Tear Us Apart” for the 269823654th time instead.

Crush ft. Gaeko – 9 to 5

Dragging in a Dynamic Duo member to grasp onto like a floatie while wading through the R&B gyre just makes you stand out more to the sharks.

EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS SONGS

B-Free – I’m Free

He’s free!  What should he do with his newfound freedom?  Take a shower?  Go for long walks in the park?  Join BTS?  Anything but another “Kawasaki” is fine by me.

SHINyan – Because Of You (for cat)

That’s all for this week’s Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!

Well, I typed it by hand, does that count as “handwritten”?  I hope so.

Kpopalypse would just like to take the time right now to formally apologise for the following things that I did when I was about ten years old, or thereabouts.  Instead of making excuses by saying they were foolish mistakes I made when I was young, or saying that I don’t remember what I did, I believe that admitting my faults and apologizing is the right choice, which is why I’m writing this.

One day in the schoolyard some girls were calling me names, I can’t remember what they were.  Anyway I threw a few small stones at one of the smelly girls and they fucked off.  They then went and told a teacher on me, and the teacher was very angry and told me that I should never throw stones at girls.  I told the teacher that they shouldn’t call me names, and she said that’s true but it doesn’t justify throwing stones at them.  Although it was super-satisfying at the time and totally worth it, I admit now that the teacher was probably correct and I should have thrown something softer and maybe messier at those bitches.  I am genuinely sorry for my inappropriate projectile selection.

Strange as it may seem I wasn’t always a heathen satanic Rainaist.  Even though I had mostly already figured out that Christianity was total horseshit by the time I was ten, sometimes I’d give it a try anyway out of pure desperation as I was a constant bully victim at this age and some divine intervention would have definitely been appreciated.  One of the many kids who was bullying me at the time kicked me in the foot once, I can’t remember what provoked this specific attack, probably just me being an ugly loser at life.  I thought I’d try that thing in the bible about how if someone slaps you in one cheek, offer him the other cheek, so I asked him to kick me in the other foot, maybe hoping that in the slim chance god existed he would notice how awesomely I was following his instructions and do me a big old favour and strike the fuckhead down with lightning later or something.  Of course, he did kick me in the other foot just as I had asked, and nothing bad happened to him after, plus it really hurt, fuck that was dumb.  I’m terribly sorry for experimenting with Christian crap and not bashing that cunthole in the face as I should have.

One day I was out riding my bike and it was dusk.  I was walking my bike up a steep hill and I saw some kids in some bushes by a main road, I’m not sure what they were doing but they looked like some of the bullies at my school.  Whatever they were doing I didn’t care anyway as long as they left me alone.  Bullies would sometimes attack me for no reason just for being in the area that they were in, and the attacks were a lot worse when I wasn’t on school grounds (with no teachers around to potentially intervene), so I quickly got on my bike and rode away.  A few seconds later, a row of fire appeared across the entire street, presumably the kids had poured some petrol or other flammable liquid on the road and set it alight.  As I cycled away, people were staring at me strangely, I shouted “it wasn’t me!” because I was worried that they would think that I did it (as the other kids were hiding in the bushes and invisible to bystanders).  Of course I didn’t do it, but looking back on it now, I’ve got to admit that the row of fire across the street those kids had made sure looked kick-ass, it’s not every day you see a motherfucking street on fire.  I’m sorry for not thinking up something this awesome myself back then, I will reflect on my lack of cool vandalism ideas.

Another time I was out again riding my bike, a BMX with dirt tyres, and somehow by chance a squashed plastic juice bottle got stuck between the rear wheel of my bike and the mudguard.  Because of the bike tread design, the knobbly tread on the rear tyre made a huge noise against the plastic whenever the wheels turned, it sounded a bit like a really loud motorbike!  I naturally thought this was fantastic so I rode everywhere around my neighbourhood with the juice bottle stuck there, making shitloads of noise.  My parents eventually got wind of it because some neighbours on my street complained, and they made me throw the juice bottle out.  Later, I tried to replicate the result with another juice bottle (in an area much further from home, so I wouldn’t be stopped this time) but I couldn’t work out how to squash it just right to get the same effect, and the result wasn’t nearly as good.  I’m deeply sorry that I never studied the shape of the original broken juice bottle more closely, I could have patented this cool shit, I will work harder to bring you an improved version of myself that is more annoying to others.

I was in the school playground hanging out inside some weird concrete pipe thing that probably wouldn’t make the grade as acceptable play-equipment in today’s OH&S-compliant playgrounds but was considered okay in Adelaide’s outer suburbs in the 1980s, and some girls wanted to join me.  I told them to fuck off because I was a rude piece of shit (not much has changed hey), and they did, and at the time I was grateful because I didn’t want to hang out with smelly girls who were into dolls and pink-coloured stuff.  Later on one of these girls went to my high school and turned into a total hottie and I started to get interested in some of her pink-coloured stuff but by then she didn’t want to know me because I was such a cunt.  I’m really sorry that I didn’t have the foresight at the time to make connections with girls so I would be socially prepared when puberty came along and possibly get laid, I will return with more mature maturity.

I was taking a piss in the school urinal when a bully pushed me and I fell in, landing in the trough.  Just another day at my shitty school, but this time I was really pissed off, and I flew into a rage and started hitting the other kid.  I’m not sure why but I was punching him in the back, which made a satisfyingly deep bassy sound when my fist connected but was incredibly stupid because it wasn’t hurting him at all.  His friends started laughing at my lame display of misguided aggression.  I’m really sorry about not hitting him in the face instead, or maybe wiping some of my piss-soaked clothes onto him, now that would have been way smarter, but I guess I wasn’t really thinking at the time.  I shall reflect on my immature and ineffective actions.

School wasn’t just about being bullied though, occasionally learning would also happen.  I really liked geography class because I was really good at drawing maps and I was actually able to draw an entire world map by memory at this age (don’t ask me to do it now, all the countries have changed).  When the subject of the world came up in class (unlike some countries, Australians actually learn about the rest of the world in school and how it exists) I excitedly rushed around the room being an uber-nerd and helping everyone get their capital cities and borders in the right location.  I thought I was being helpful, but because I was doing all the thinking for the whole class, the other students never got to use their brains so I’m probably at least partially responsible for helping raise a generation of stupids.  I and deeply sorry and will work even harder to repair the damage from my thoughtless actions by bringing you even more posts of trufax.

One day a girl was kind of rude to me and I told her to fuck off because I was a ten year old shithead who hated rude bitches, but then she was a really snobby cunthole, so she totally deserved it.  A week later she fell off some of my school’s crappy non-OH&S-compliant play equipment and was paralysed from the waist down.  I felt like “serves her right” and was really happy about it initially, however I didn’t know anything about paralysation back then and how bad it could be, I thought it was like a broken bone and she would get better in a few weeks or so.  I didn’t know that the paralysation was going to be permanent and she would spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair.  By all reports she became a really nice person once she was wheelchair-bound, but I never found out for myself as I wouldn’t talk to her because even though she was wheelchair-bound she was still an ugly mole.  However her best friend who pushed her around a lot in the chair ended up becoming quite hot down the track, so clearly once again I wasn’t thinking strategically enough.  I’m deeply sorry for not befriending her to make the quality of her life a bit better and also my own.

I spent a lot of time in the library at lunch times, reading books that other people my age were too stupid to read because they were busy beating each other up and eating Clag.  One day I was in there and one of the librarians showed me an amazing thing, a computer with a ton of text scrolling down (this was the 80s, all computers back then were legit amazing).  She explained that it was people talking to each other on the computer, through the phone line.  She asked me if I wanted to type something, so I said okay.  I typed “hello”, and watched as my text quickly scrolled off the top of the screen as everyone else in the chatroom replied with the most incomprehensible computer-nerd gibberish I’ve ever seen, far, far more cryptic and unreadable to the layperson than today’s relatively understandable “1337speak” version.  I deeply regret not committing any of this terminology to memory so I could alienate readers of Kpopalypse blog with even more bullshit words nobody understands, I’m very sorry for this.

One of my best “friends” when I was ten was a kid who was actually also bullying me.  He’d bully me half the time and the other half of the time we’d hang out normally and everything would be cool.  I’m not sure why I hung out with him so much, but I never knew each time I saw him if he’d be okay or if he’d start giving me a hard time about something.  One time I was cycling in my street and we were playing some sort of “game” where he was throwing stones at my face (I think there was some duress involved but can’t quite remember).  One of the stones hit me right in the mouth, chipping the corner of one of my teeth.  I lied to my mum saying that I fell off my bike because telling her that I had semi-consented to a “game” where I’d get rocks thrown at me was just too shameful to even admit.  Then I had to go to the dentist and get my front tooth filed down so the chipped part wouldn’t stab my tongue.  I’m sorry for lying to Boram, I will resolve to bring an improved version of myself that stans T-ara with more determination.

I don’t dare ask for forgiveness. I only want to reflect endlessly about my actions and apologize.  I will work hard never to disappoint again. I will read all the criticism and advice on my immature actions and never forget them. Also, please continue to teach me. I apologize once aga… oh wait, sorry that bit is from Wonwoo’s apology, not mine.  Anyway I hope you Sones enjoy this heartfelt, sincere apology.  Also don’t forget to donate, it’s not like you were going to buy anything useful, you were just going to spend it on some stupid poorly-made sweatshop-built stationery that you will pay three times the normal price for because it says “Girls’ Generation” on the side and that you’ll be ashamed to own and will either throw out or try to sell off on Facebook in a few years anyway, so if you’re going to throw away money like that why not throw it in my direction.  Thanks.

I noticed recently that a lot of people were picking on Jimin and Seolhyun from AOA because they didn’t know basic history facts.  A lot of these same people have very strong opinions about k-pop music and never hesitate to throw them down… but how much do they REALLY know about the music they listen to?  Is it possible that many strongly opinionated k-pop fans don’t know basic facts about music and sound?  You could argue that music fans don’t need to know about music, but isn’t that just like arguing that AOA don’t need to know about history?  No need to remain a hypocrite about it – instead, take the Kpopalypse music quiz, featuring bonus content from the ultra-clever and pretty girls of AOA, and educate yourself with the trufax of music and sound!

Results will be posted in a future post, in the meantime have fun filling in the quiz while learning all about musical trufax!

It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup – let’s check out some new releases!

AOA (Ace Of Angels)

AOA – Good Luck

This is tolerable despite the grating Beyonceishness of the backings but it could have been way better – imagine if they’d used the surf-guitar style backing track in the video intro for the actual song.

BTS – Save Me

Another potentially great song hobbled by poor backing track choices.  The weird slow yolo feel and that other double-time dance thing just don’t mix.

Tiffany – I Just Wanna Dance

Dancing to some oddball 80s electro beat thing is Tiffany’s best friend, is dancing to some oddball 80s electro beat thing your best friend?

San E ft. Gary – Like An Aeroplane

San E doesn’t sound any good when he’s not pissed off.  I hope he signs up with JYP again so he has something to be mad about.  This live version is at least slightly more acceptable that the shitty version I played on-air.

Hello Venus – Glow

True garbage of the lowest kind, even the girls themselves look bored out of their brains in every single shot.  Who can blame them.

Monsta X ft. Wheein (Mamamoo) – Ex Girl

Agencies usually don’t make music videos for this dull-as-dishwater crap and there’s a reason for that.

SPECIAL NUGU SEGMENT

VAV – Brotherhood

Sounds pretty different to everything else out there at the moment, but I suspect that this might be at least partially accidental.  Oh well, full marks for effort.

Icia – Time Bomb

A great chorus helps lift this one above the nugu pack.  I’m time bomb!  Ticka ticka boom!

I.C.E – We Are Not Compatible

Another nugu gold star song, 10/10 for the daytime soap-opera style soft focus and the token Amber.

Sol-T – Curveball

Absolutely tonally weird, changes keys in the most awkward way, I don’t even know what I think of this.  Seriously this song could get on my best OR worst list for the year at this point.

Various – Only Want U

That’s right – “Various” is actually the group title.  How the fuck is anyone supposed to successfully search for this?  This is as crazy as G.I’s debut song being called “Beatles“.

BONUS SONGS

G.Soul – Where Do We Go From Here

Your token R&B trash of the week.  Oh wait, that was Hello Venus.  Oh well whatever, have another one.

Baekhyun & K.will – The Day

Oh and here’s a crappy ballad with K.will in it, because there aren’t enough of those in k-pop.

G.Soul – Far Far Away

Let’s wander around on the beach like a drunk cunt and sing half-assed reggae, sounds like a great idea you fucking douchebag.

BgA – Dong Saya Dae

Sorry but this is far too close to the truth to actually be even slightly funny.

That’s it for another Kpopalypse roundup!  More next week!

Here’s the post which contains all the results of the AOA-themed music trufax test quiz, including all the technical explanations, charts, and smug thinly-veiled shade that you crave!

Some background to this post for those who came in late – a little while ago I noticed that AOA’s Jimin and Seolhyun were being picked on for their lack of history knowledge by trashy netizens.  Given the mindblowing long, exhaustive list of the ways in which both Korean and international netizens demonstrate incredibly consistent stupidity levels, it seems to me that netizens calling out Korean pop idols for a lack of intelligence is a bit like Bom calling out Minzy for too much plastic surgery.  Noticing the hypocrisy of this, I threw a quiz at my readers to see how much they knew about music and sound.  You could argue that music fans don’t need to know about music and sound, and you’d be right, for the same reason that someone who drives a car doesn’t need to know how an internal combustion engine works.  However if music fans don’t need to know about music and sound, why do members of a k-pop group need to know about history?

Of course I could act all superior in my knowledge and criticise everyone for not knowing stuff, but that’s not my style (contrary to popular belief in some circles).  Instead, rather than bully and witch-hunt others over lack of intelligence like trashy netizens who should be killed, I thought why not take the chance to educate folks about music AND about netizen hypocrisy at the same time?  That’s what this quiz was really all about, and it seems that you all appreciated this approach, because this was the most popular Kpopalypse quiz ever!

The quiz wasn’t easy – only one person received a “pass mark” of 80%, but most readers averaged between 0% and 30%.  Here’s a handy chart which shows how well quiz participants scored as a global average.

I now present to you the answers to the quiz.  All questions were both mandatory to complete the quiz and multiple choice, all readers had to do was select the most correct answer in each case.  I will provide you now with each possible option and I’ll explain why the correct answer was correct and why the wrong answers were wrong where applicable.  Who knows, after reading all of this, you might become smarter than both a netizen AND a k-pop star!

Question 1

AOA’s Choa is 26 years old and was born on March 26, 1990.  She skips history class to attend band practice once per week, and she has been following this routine since she was 18.  At rehearsal Choa is subject to volumes of 100dB for three hours in two 90 minute sessions, with a 15 minute break in between.  Given these factors, what is her most likely hearing range?

Possible answers:

20Hz-20000Hz
10Hz-15000Hz
25Hz-17500Hz
20Hz-16500Hz
30Hz-15500Hz
20Hz-12000Hz
25Hz-14500Hz
25Hz-18500Hz
15Hz-19000Hz

The answer:

The first thing to know when answering this question is that the human hearing range is 20Hz-20000Hz, and this was the answer that most people selected, however there’s a few extra things to consider here.  The first factor is that people lose their hearing over time and exposure.  Choa’s exposure levels aren’t that extreme (100dB for three hours a week after hitting 18 years of age isn’t that different to what anyone would experience if they went out clubbing or to loud bars once a weekend) so we can safely assume that she’d have lost hearing at the normal rate for someone her age.  Also it should be noted that when people lose their hearing, they lose it from the treble end first, because the smaller hairs in the ear which reproduce treble frequencies to the brain are closer to the outside of the ear, so they get more exposure and wear out quicker.  Therefore, we can disregard any option that has anything other than 20Hz at the lowest end of the frequency range.  Humans don’t hear down to 10Hz or 15Hz (they can sometimes feel these frequencies but generally can’t hear them) and we can disregard all the 25Hz and 30Hz options too, this process of elimination leaves us with three possibilities:

20Hz-20000Hz
20Hz-16500Hz
20Hz-12000Hz

It’s not the first one – Choa would have experienced some hearing loss, as all adults do.  It wouldn’t be 12000Hz either, that’s about the hearing range of a 50 year old – Choa would have pretty trashed ears if she could only hear pitches up to that height at age 26.  So the correct answer is 20Hz-16500Hz.

How many readers were correct?

Only 10% of readers got it right.  If you were one of them, take a moment to feel appropriately smug and self-satisfied!

Question 2

Seolhyun is doing vocal warm-ups.  She says to you “Because I don’t go to history class, I’ve had extra time to practice my singing, and now I have a three-octave vocal range, just like IU!”  She then sings the three notes from the climax of IU’s “Good Day” (in the below video from 4:47).  What is she actually singing?

Possible answers:

Three octaves ascending
Chromatic scale ascending
Whole-tone scale ascending
Major pentatonic scale ascending
Minor pentatonic scale ascending
Major diatonic scale ascending
Minor diatonic scale ascending
Quarter-tone chromatic scale ascending

The answer:

The three notes IU is singing, in order, are E, F, F#.  This only fits the pattern of a chromatic scale ascending, as none of the other scales mentioned have two semitone jumps in a row.

How many readers were correct?

The correct answer was the second-most popular choice, which was good to see.  I was however surprised to see that over 20% of readers actually believed the hype about IU’s “three octaves”!  Clearly more technical trufax posts about music are in order!

Question 3

“That’s nothing”, replies Jimin.  “I’ve been skipping history class and practicing even harder than you, and I can do four octaves, just like Seventeen!  Listen to this!”  Jimin then sings the climax from Seventeen’s “Pretty U” (in the below video from 3:04).  What is she actually singing?

Possible answers:

Three octaves ascending
Chromatic scale ascending
Whole-tone scale ascending
Major pentatonic scale ascending
Minor pentatonic scale ascending
Major diatonic scale ascending
Minor diatonic scale ascending
Quarter-tone chromatic scale ascending

The answer:

The four notes the guy from Seventeen is singing, in order, are Bb, C, Eb, F.  Given that the key of the song is Eb, this spells out a major pentatonic scale ascending.  The notes of this pattern also fit into a major diatonic scale ascending, but it’s not spelling out the actual scale because there is a skipped note – the D or seventh degree of the Eb major scale is skipped over.

How many readers were correct?

17% of readers got this one correct, and an equal amount oddly chose “quarter-tone chromatic scale ascending”.  Quarter tone scales don’t get used in k-pop much, it’s not really a western pop music thing, and I can’t think of an example in k-pop off the top of my head.  If you’re curious and would like a more general example of what quarter tones sound like, you can check them out in a piece at this link.

Question 4

You’re soundchecking the microphones for AOA, and you’ve carefully tuned the PA so there’s no feedback when microphones are used at correct volume. Seolhyun starts singing AOA’s new song “Good Luck (History Is Hard)“, and the sound is crystal clear.  Then Jimin starts her rap part and instantly there is loud howling feedback.  You isolate the frequency as 250Hz.  The microphones are standard wireless dynamic microphones, and the group are using foldback wedges instead of in-ear monitors.  What is the most likely explanation for the feedback coming through Jimin’s microphone but not Seolhyun’s?

Possible answers:

Jimin has a squeakier voice than Seolhyun which is triggering a resonant frequency in the room
Another electrical source is interfering with the transmission frequency that Jimin’s wireless microphone is set to
Jimin is breathing too harshly into the microphone, creating lower frequency distortion
Jimin’s microphone has a loose wire inside it
The foldback wedge by Jimin’s feet has stopped working and is not producing sound
The PA is too loud and needs to be turned down
The venue is incorrectly using three-phase power, mixing stage lights and audio on the same phase circuit
Jimin is holding the microphone incorrectly, blocking the air vents at the rear of the capsule

The answer:

As this question is a bit complicated, and there’s a few “close but not quite” answers, let’s go through each possibility one by one.

That’s fairly basic, but here’s where it gets complicated, and I’ll do my best to simplify this as much as possible (tech-boffins, know that I’m leaving out some detail on purpose).  Microphones work by having a diaphragm inside their capsule that vibrates when signal is received, this vibration is then converted to electrical current.  Cardioid microphones derive their directional properties from the fact that air hits the front of the microphone’s diaphragm and the rear of the microphone’s diaphragm at different times, via ports in the front and rear of the capsule.

The time difference between these two collisions creates a phenomenon known as “phase cancellation”, meaning that if sound hits the front of the microphone it passes through with no issue, but if sound hits the rear of the microphone before it hits the front, that sound gets (somewhat) cancelled out.

By blocking the air vents at the rear of the capsule, now the diaphragm can no longer receive air vibration from both the front and the rear vents – only the front.  This means that now the microphone is equally sensitive in all directions, or omnidirectional, because no matter what angle the signal approaches the microphone from, there will be no cancellation, it will vibrate the diaphragm in the same way.  The response pattern now looks like the red circle here:

Now it doesn’t matter anymore which direction you point the microphone in – an equally-sensitive microphone will now pick up sound from everywhere nearby, including the foldback wedge, and maybe even including those annoying fangirls in the audience too.  Observant readers will have noticed by now that Jimin is partially blocking the rear vents with her hand in the picture above.  Jimin, like a lot of rappers, doesn’t hold her microphone correctly.  That bullshit trendy way that rappers insist on holding the microphone where they cup the capsule in their hands rather than holding it by the handle actually generates a lot of feedback for audio engineers.  It’s painfully ironic that in a genre where there’s so much emphasis on “getting on the mic” nobody fucking knows how to use one, but then that’s hip-hoppers and their stupidity for you.  It’s definitely the most likely explanation for the feedback.

How many readers were correct?

The correct answer was the third-most popular option, with 15% of the vote.  More people thought that electrical interference of Jimin’s trademark squeaky voice might be at play.

Question 5

What does the following chart demonstrate?  Pick the most correct answer.

Possible answers:

Binaural beats (difference between two waveforms perceived as a separate frequency)
Fletcher-Munson curve (patterns of hearing response at different dB ranges)
Fourier transform (capturing complex harmonic resonance in a single waveform)
Phase-shifting of AC current
Nyquist-Shannon theorem (upper physical limits of pitch sampling)

The answer:

Once again I’ll go through each potential answer individually.

Fletcher-Munson curve (patterns of hearing response at different dB ranges) – incorrect.  Here’s what Fletcher-Munson curves actually look like:

These curves show that because of the physiology of the ear, as dB levels increase, apparent bass levels are boosted as the ear’s response becomes “flatter”.  That’s why you always have to crank your stereo really hard to hear the deep bass.

Fourier transform (capturing complex harmonic resonance in a single waveform) – incorrect.  Here’s a Fourier transform:

I won’t get into the math of it all, but the short version is that several waveforms can be combined into one complex waveform without losing any of the information.  In the above diagram when the three top waveforms are combined the fourth one is the result but to the ear nothing is lost.  When sound hits our ears it’s all one waveform (well, two, because we have two ears) but this waveform can be comprised of many different combined signals.

Phase-shifting of AC current – incorrect.  This diagram that I stole from somewhere shows phase shifting and explains it pretty well, saving me the trouble.

Binaural beats (difference between two waveforms perceived as a separate frequency) – incorrect.  The following chart shows binaural beats.

If you look up binaural beats you’ll come across tons of absolutely excretable new-age bullshit because some smelly hippies took too much LSD and masic mushrooms one day and decided that listening to binaural beats opens up the third eye and lets you talk to Timothy Leary’s ghost or some fucking crap.  All binaural beats really means is that two frequencies that are close together create a third “beat frequency”, which is the difference between those two frequencies.  If you’ve ever tuned a guitar by ear you’ll be familiar with this sound, the rapid pulsing “difference” frequency that becomes slower and slower as your strings become more and more in tune.

Nyquist-Shannon theorem (upper physical limits of pitch sampling) – CORRECT.  This is going to require some explanation.

Okay, so again I’ll try to keep this simple and explain this with a minimum of math.  Digital sampling works by taking snapshots of the waveform at certain periods of time.  It’s never a “true” picture of the waveform, but a step-by-step reconstruction.  Think of it like taking a photograph of a painting with a digital camera – the infinite detail of the painting is reduced to a finite number of pixels, and the more pixels, the closer it will look to the original painting.  It will never look 100% like the painting, but with enough pixels, we can make it look so close to the original painting that the human eye would struggle to tell the difference.  With digital audio, the more steps (samples) you have, the better the reconstruction is (the more accurate a representation it is of what’s being sampled) and with enough samples you can’t tell the difference between the digitally sampled version and the original.  One sample is like a pixel, but it’s a pixel in “time” rather than “space”.

The industry standard sample rate is 16-bit 44.1KHz stereo, or two tracks of 44100 samples per second, and this is industry standard because it’s the sample rate of CD playback.  This means that a CD can reproduce any sound accurately up until 22.05KHz.  If sampling a waveform at 22.05KHz, you would get exactly two samples per waveform, one at the top of the waveform travel, and one at the bottom, like this:

The vertical lines show when the samples are being taken, one for each peak and trough.  This is enough for the digital/analog converters in audio equipment to do their job and accurately sample and reproduce the signal.  However if you try to sample a waveform above the 22.05KHz pitch cutoff, you don’t have enough samples to represent each peak and trough.  That’s when you get something like the diagram in the quiz.  Let’s look at it again:

The bottom graph shows a fast-moving waveform, which might be going at 40KHz (just an estimate).  The top graph shows how the sample software has interpreted this waveform.  The waveform completes just over one full cycle between each snapshot, the snapshot points are represented by the barbs on the top waveform.  Because these snapshots line up in a different pattern due to the wave moving faster than the sampler can take “photos”, the sampler thinks that the bottom fast waveform is actually the top much slower waveform.  If you want a visual parallel, think about how in films wheels sometimes look like they’re turning in reverse, it’s because the film shutter speed isn’t fast enough to accurately capture the wheel movement once it gets above a certain speed.

How many readers were correct?

This was probably the hardest question of the quiz, and only 14% of people picked the right answer.  The incredible amounts of nonsensical hippie bullshit that came up when quiz participants searched up “binaural beats” on Google probably contributed to the confusion, proving that lies can be very powerful and justifying the existence of posts like this one.

Question 6

AOA’s Jimin is sad because people on the Internet have been picking on her and calling her stupid because she can’t recognise Korean historical figures.  She’s been crying all night and stamping the floor in tears, it’s keeping you awake!  If you and Jimin are sleeping in adjacent rooms, what would be the best material to make the wall out of to put between you and Jimin to block the sound, so you can get a good night’s sleep?

Possible answers:

10cm of solid brick
15cm of solid concrete
Two 2cm panels of plywood with a 4 cm gap between them
5cm of corrugated lead sheeting
8cm of solid plywood
8cm of solid brick, covered with 3cm of acoustic soundproof foam tile
12cm of solid concrete, painted with soundproofing paint
5cm of solid glass
1cm of cardboard

The answer:

When soundproofing a room, the most important factor is not the material used – with the exception of the cardboard (which would probably just vibrate like crazy until it fell over), all of the listed materials would be fine if used in the right way.  Thickness does matter to some degree but walls have to get impractically thick before you get any benefit.  The most important aspect is actually physical isolation – stopping the vibration from getting from one side of some “stuff” to another.  The best way to do this is to physically decouple the different materials.  Every time sound waves pass through a layer of material, they lose energy and strength, so the more different layers of material they have to pass through, the better.  Professional studios are often built in physically decoupled “floating” rooms for this reason.  Therefore, the correct answer out of the options presented is two 2cm panels of plywood with a 4 cm gap between them, as the sound has to pass through air, plywood, more air, and then more plywood to get to the other side (and if you stuffed the 1cm of cardboard inside the air gap in the middle, it would be even more effective!).  Soundproofing paint is a gimmick that doesn’t do shit, and believe it or not neither does the tile – as the soundproofing foam tile is stuck to the concrete wall it would vibrate in sympathy with the concrete, providing no soundproofing effect.  “Soundproofing foam tile” is actually an unfortunate marketing misnomer – these tiles are used for sound absorption to “deaden” reflective rooms on the inside for sound recording use and contrary to their name don’t have any special soundproofing properties when it comes to noises from the other side of a room leaking through a wall, or noise from within a room escaping to the outside.

How many readers were correct?

A bell-curve like this shows to me that there was less guesswork and more certainty with the selections – pity almost half of you had the wrong answer.  It’s a very understandable mistake to believe that foam tiles can soundproof a room, and even audio industry professionals make this mistake all the time, so don’t feel too bad if you were one of the 46% of respondents who took the quiz and selected this!  Maybe you should feel bad if you picked “1cm of cardboard” though… just a little.  Maybe you thought it was a trick question, but Kpopalypse would never be so mean.

Question 7

What is the four-chord progression used throughout AOA’s “Heart Attack”?

Possible answers:

i-VI-III-VII
I-V-vi-IV
I-vi-IV-V
I-IV-V-IV
i-VII-VI-V
i-III-VI-VII
i-vi-V-i
I-iii-IV-V
I-IV-vi-V
i-VI-VII-III
i-VI-III-IV
I-IV-vi-V
i-V-VI-III

The answer:

The chord progression of “Heart Attack”, which never changes at any point throughout the song, is Am, F, G, C.  In relative roman numerals this translates to i-VI-VII-III.  It’s important to note that Am is the starting chord of the song proper (the intro is ignored, it’s only for the video), which means that the song is in a minor key and so all other chords are measured as relative to Am.  Those who factored in the intro might have concluded the song was in C major with the progression C, Am, F, G which would make “Heart Attack” a song in the popular doo-wop progression I-vi-IV-V.  However this doesn’t make sense when listening to the song itself as Am is the first chord heard and all the verse and chorus melodies use the Am as their beginning and end point.

How many readers were correct?

Yay!  A large… well okay, a slim majority of you… well okay not even really a slim majority as 89% of you actually got it wrong… but you know what I mean.  The correct answer was the most popular answer, which was good to see.

Question 8

You’re walking down the street when seemingly at random, Seolhyun comes up to you and gives you a hug.  She says to you “I’m so excited!  They’re going to let us re-release the AOA catalog in any sound format that we want!  Now us girls don’t know much about music history, but everyone else seems to be history experts, so maybe you can help us!  Given the history and technical specifications of sound recording formats, what would be the best quality sound format for us to use for the physical products which we end up selling to the public, that would preserve the integrity of our original digital master recording the most closely?”

Possible answers:

Compact disc
33 RPM vinyl
45 RPM vinyl
78 RPM vinyl/bakelite
Cassette
Wax cylinder
MP3 (lossless compression)
Minidisc
1/4″ reel-to-reel
2″ reel-to-reel

The answer:

The key phrase here is “preserve the integrity of our original digital master recording the most closely”, it wasn’t a question about the “best” format, but the one which would most closely replicate the original digital master.  To preserve a digital signal the most closely (i.e ones and zeroes), you need to reproduce it digitally, using the same format, or as close as you can get.  So we can immediately discard all analog formats listed, all of them will introduce extra noise and artifacts to the signal and decrease the accuracy of the content – vinyl, cassette, reels and 19th century wax cylinders all get the heave-ho.  This leaves us with minidisc, which is shit (lossy compression), CD and MP3.  If we’re talking about preserving a digital signal MP3 is a bad idea.  CD is the minimum industry standard and CD format is pretty much the same file format as the files that come out of a digital audio workstation.  These days there are lossless MP3s that play sound at above the 16-bit 44.1KHz CD sample rate that CDs are capable of reproducing, but they’re honestly pointless wank.  There’s a mess of technical issues which means that high-fidelity MP3 is always equal or worse sound quality than CD even if the sample rates and bitrates are higher, and I won’t summarise the reasons (you can read a very technical essay about the issue here if you’re interested) but a lot of it basically boils down to the fact that AD/DA (analog-to-digital/digital-to-analog) converters inside modern CD players are actually quite clever and do a much better job of smoothing waveforms than high-resolution MP3s do by quadrupling the sample rate.  The upshot of it all is that compact disc is still (for now) the “most correct answer”.

How many readers were correct?

I guess with lossless MP3s being the newer format, people understandably thought that they would have superior audio quality to CD, but it isn’t so.  Oh gosh and don’t tell the poor inventor of the minidisc that you guys think wax cylinders is a better format to preserve digital audio!  If you’d like to know what a wax cylinder recording sounds like, click this link which might prove educational (spoiler alert: fermented ass).

Question 9

What is the name of the below electronic tone control device?  Pick the most correct answer.

Possible answers:

Distortion
Aural exciter
Harmonic smoother
Graphic equaliser
Reverb
Power amplifier
Stereo chorus
Multipass filter
Analog delay
Compressor

The answer:

You didn’t need to be able to read electrical circuit diagrams to figure this one out.  You’re looking at a circuit for a ten-band graphic equaliser.  The giveaway is the Hz column on the left of the red box, which shows the frequency for each of the ten bands, and which matches pretty closely with any ten-band graphic equaliser on the market.

How many readers were correct?

Okay, so maybe this question was a little tricky.  All of the options listed are real things that you can buy that do stuff, except “multipass filter” which actually doesn’t exist and is just some shit that I made up for the quiz.

Question 10

In the following picture of important historical figures in music, who is at D4?

Possible answers:

Bela Bartok
Frank Zappa
Philip Glass
John Cage
Sergei Rachmaninoff
Anton Bruckner
Arnold Schoenberg
Edgard Varese
Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov
Dmitri Shostakovich
Maurice Ravel
Giuseppe Verdi
Igor Stravinsky

The answer:

A nice easy one to finish the survey off, as this is one of the few questions where a Google search would have given you an accurate answer.  The correct choice was of course Dmitri Shostakovich.

How many readers were correct?

Even with Google Image Search at your handy disposal, only 16% of readers recognised Dmitri.  Tsk tsk.  That’s really bad… this isn’t even basic knowledge, it’s knowledge so basic that you’re treated like an idiot if you don’t know him.  How can you even say you graduated elementary school without knowing him?  I hope you’re embarrassed.  He is not someone that you could laugh over and use as a joke.  Don’t think you can get away with apologizing just to make this all go away.  Please really look within yourself and reflect over what you did.

Inquiring minds wish to know:

I agree that I can be a bit esoteric at times.  This post will however break that tradition, and you will be able to find out everything that I really think about _____!*

Everyone’s so caught up with _______ these days.  It’s not really logical that people should care so much about ________ when it has very little impact on ______, _______ and especially ____________ (more info at this link).  The only people who really care about ____ are _____________, and nobody cares about _____________, so it only makes sense that we shouldn’t care about whether ________________ care about _____ or not.  Nevertheless we as fans of k-pop are trapped in a never-ending cycle of ____, where we pretend that ___ actually matters despite vast amounts of evidence to the contrary.

Take this great post from Asian Junkie about __________ and the _______________ situation, that you should all read.  Relevant part below.

I think that this is a very good observation that we should all take note of.  I think we should also take time to consider Anti Kpop-Fangirl’s excellent post which is here and very educational, relevant part below.

I think that this is a very pertinent point, especially when I consider my own situation in _________, where we’re basically not allowed to __________ (examples here and here).  I think that it’s very important for people to be able to ______ _____________, but of course with this comes the necessity of _______ ____________ for ___ ____ ___ _____, which I think is sorely neglected especially by young people today.  I think that we can see this very paradigm reflected in the case of ____ and ________ and the ___ _____ ____ situation.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for people to expect _____________________ , especially from _____ with ___ _____ _______ __ _________________ and ____________ (as I pointed out in a previous post which you can read here) but I also think that there should be no problem with _____ a ______ a ______.   The problem comes when the _______ of _______________________ becomes the _________ by which __________ __________ are _______, this becomes a real issue not just in terms of ___________ but also with ____ _________ _______ and our _____________ _____________.

The _______ __________ of Kpopalypse blog actually hides a ____ ______________ – this is a point which is often misunderstood by _______ ____________ ___ ________ __ ________, but that’s okay, because this type of post isn’t really for them.  You don’t need to understand _____________ anyway just to be a ______ ________, and I think it’s also fine for people to ____ ________ ___ _______________ on things.  It would be a completely valid ____________ to say “___ ___ _ ___________ _______________________ ______ ____ _ ___________” (as people often do), but I also think that this doesn’t discount the validity of ___________ and _____ _____ __ ____ which might be _____________, at least on the surface.  I think the following video demonstrates this.

It would be reasonable for someone to say “ahh, ________ ____ __________ you ______” but there is also the point of view of “actually, ________ ______ __ ___________ __ ____ _________ _______”.  Even more revealing, when the aspect of ________ __ ____ is brought in, a ___ __________ becomes clear.  Could it be that _____ ________ _____ __ ____ _____ __ so that they would ______ ______?  Is the act of ______ _ ___ not in fact _____________, in truth?

This is rarely considered.  This is why I strongly believe that _______ __ ______, and that people should definitely be able to ______________ regardless of the opinions of ___________, __________ ________________ _____ and the ever-dreaded ____ who seek to ___________ ______ ____________ and ___ __________ into their ___ ________.

Do you really want to live in a world without _____, __________ or the influence of ___ ______ ____, ___________ or _______?  I’ll let my cat ________ have the final say.

*please note: some words and images have been filtered.  I’m blaming an influx of Chinese Kpopalypse fans.  Kpopalypse staff will work to resume normal services as soon as possible.

It’s time for another Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out some new releases!

SoReal

Jessica ft. Fabolous – Fly

Subliminal god-bothering aside, this is okay for generic pop single 101 stuff I guess but even the biggest Jessica stan knows in their secret heart of hearts that if some complete nugu made a song and it sounded 100% identical to this in every single aspect, nobody would care.

B.I.G – Aphrodite

Fantastic vuvuzela solos unfortunately aren’t enough to drag this song out of averagedom.  Every k-pop song should have vuvuzela though.

Monsta X – All In

Imagine how much shit these kids will get into for that “put the flower in the gun” scene when they have to join the army for real.

Amber ft. Gen Neo – On My Own

Amber’s sexuality is the biggest elephant in the room of k-pop, and I just want someone in an interview to finally say to her “look, are you a fucking dyke or what?  You can tell us, you know”.  For the good of everyone I hope she comes out as lesbian and then starts some super-angry crust-punk group and leaves bullshit music like this far behind.

AFOS – Turn It Up

Lots of enthusiastic yelling does not a good song make.  Mind you it’s better than the other crappy song they released this week.

Romeo – Nightmare

I originally thought to myself “hang on this is just another generic boy band song, what’s so nightmarish about this…” and then it hit me.

Heyne – Love Cells

I’m sure Heyne is just naturally skinny but damn that lighting on her collarbones and shoulders is freaking me right the fuck out, I can’t even concentrate on the song.

Agirls – Uhoo

Example #3646 of why sport and k-pop should not mix.

Somal ft. Minje – Fucked Up

10/10 for song title accuracy, this is genuinely some weird shit.

Nucksal feat. ODEE, Deepflow, Don Mills, WUTAN – The Villains

I don’t fucking understand Korean hip-hop.  One week some dudes will throw out a cool track like this and the very next week the very same guys will do some awful yoloshit fucking crap as if the two styles have anything whatsoever in common.  Don’t tell them that in America the trendy bullshit yolo camp and the actual rap camp are doing drive-bys on each other, aren’t we grateful that the Koreans haven’t latched onto that particular trend.

Moxie – Ketch Up

…although if they had, Moxie would be the first casualty with this boring trendy sax riff nonsense.

BONUS SONGS

Boyfriend – Glider

This isn’t too bad but I couldn’t play it for the same reason that I rarely ever play Japanese releases by k-pop artists – getting decent audio is almost impossible.

Jessica – Love Me The Same

On the other hand this track is just jaw-droppingly awful even for a k-pop ballad and sounds like it was programmed by a drunk person.

Noday – Wait Up

Some average disco funk thing that I know nothing about.  Enjoy, I guess.

Chancellor ft. Paloalto – Rodeo

Starts off pretty good by taking a leaf out of The Roots’ book of “How To Make Rhodes Actually Sound Semi-Acceptable” but then the falsetto voice started and I turned it off and put on Bathory instead because his vocals are less annoying.

Dana – Touch You

Oh look a CSJH member did a song, it’s a good thing nobody cares about CSJH or I might feel obliged to listen to this and write something about it.

Live High – Happy Song

Horrible children’s TV show style crap.  How they get away with selling this shit to people over the age of four I’m not sure.

AFOS – How’re You Doing

Not that great thanks to sitting through this fucking crap thanks for asking.

Kkakku ft. Choi Camel – Love Me

STOP SINGING ALL OVER HIS RAP PART IT SOUNDS DISGUSTING WOMAN, FUCK

That’s it for another Kpopalypse roundup – more next week!

It’s the return of Kpopalypse fanfiction!  Please enjoy the following story about Sones, the best fandom in the world ever!

*****

INTRODUCTION

It’s a hard life being a Sone.  Nobody really understands – or maybe they do and just don’t care.

You’ve been a Sone – a diehard fan of Girls’ Generation (SNSD) – ever since you saw them get shunned on TV at their infamous 2008 black ocean.  How dare people be so mean to such a nice bunch of innocent girls with great songs and so much talent?  You wish that you could have been one of the people in the crowd, holding up their pink lightsticks in defiance against the trend of hating SNSD, but you were too young to go to k-pop concerts unsupervised back then, and your parents wouldn’t have let you go anyway, after all they think k-pop is stupid.

“Turn the music down!” your mother would yell from downstairs when you were playing “Into The New World” at full volume in your bedroom while doing homework.

“If you’re going to blast your music, at least make it something good, not that idol pop shit!” shouted your brother from the next room, in agreement.

You’d think to yourself back then “Fuck, why do family have to be so controlling, can’t they just mind their own business and let you do fun stuff?  It’s not your fault that they like stupid parent-music that doesn’t even have dancing in it.”  Things are different now though, eight years later you’re a first-year undergraduate university student studying a Bachelor of Arts with a part-time job and you have more autonomy and freedom.  You barely even care at all about the degree or study, you just like University because it means more independence and you get to live away from your irritating family.  It doesn’t matter what your parents or anyone else thinks anymore, you’ll go to concerts and listen to k-pop at jet-engine levels in your dorm if you want to.

You also feel vindicated that SNSD have climbed to the top of the tree of girl groups and pretty much solidly stayed there.  You think about all the other girl groups that challenged their crown.  At various points, 2NE1, T-ara, Sistar, Wonder Girls and most recently AOA all looked like they had the momentum to one day overtake SNSD in popularity, but it never happened.  Although it seems mean, you’re so thankful for the scandals and mishaps that have slowed other groups!  Of course SNSD had their fair share of struggles too, but something about them just meant that they were immune to the broader effects.  Was it their incredible talent, their amazing good looks, the marketing smarts of their agency SM Entertainment, blind luck or fate?  Who can tell, but it’s a thought that you return to often at times when you’re alone, such as tonight.  You lie in bed pondering this thought, staring up at poster of SNSD you’ve pinned up across the ceiling, and gradually drift off to sleep.

*****

DAY 1

“Gee gee gee gee, baby baby…. gee gee gee gee, baby baby…” – you reach over and switch off the alarm tone on your mobile phone.  Time to wake up!  You squint at the overly bright screen of your phone when it’s still on the charger.  One new message:

A completely unnecessary reminder – you knew all about the meet.  Girls’ Generation’s next music show appearance is tonight, and every time they do a new song on a music show you gather with your Sone friends after Uni for a mass voting session.  It’s tons of fun – you meet up, order pizza, watch the show on a projector and sit in front of computers voting all night.  It might not sound like much fun to an outsider, but even though the tasks are repetitive it generates a special bond between the fanclub members, especially after the show ends and the person who brings the projection gear puts all SNSD’s videos on repeat to keep the group motivated, it’s like a neat cross between a LAN party and a slumber party except it’s on campus and instead of sleeping there’s dreamy music, you can’t wait!  The message came through on a number you don’t recognise though.  It must be one of your friends, but you don’t know who.  You quickly text back.

Kristi has a new phone again, you should’ve guessed.  She’s hyperactive and the kind of person who goes through a phone every month, she’s always dropping it in the toilet bowl or leaving it on the bus seat.  It’s amazing how careless with her phone she is given that she pretty much lives her whole life on it.  You think about how far she must be in debt with the phone company while you prepare some breakfast and then head on over to the main campus building.

Today’s first lecture is English literature, it’s about Charlotte Bronte’s “Jane Eyre”, a huge fiction book written ages ago that you really don’t give a flying crap about but the weight of it makes a good doorstop on windy nights.  You sit in the lecture theatre and listen to the professor prattle on for ages about the characters in the book and take some quick scribble notes.  You’ve only read about a third of the way through the book so far, but the professor is talking assuming that you’ve read the whole thing, which means that a lot of what he says is confusing.  He asks the class to open their textbook and consider the first question:

You couldn’t even give a shit.  You just want it to be 5pm already so you can start voting with your Sone friends.  It’s going to be a long day.

*****

Mid-afternoon and you’re between lectures helping set up computers in the classroom that your Sone group books out for their voting session, when Cathy walks in.  Cathy is another university student in your lecture and she isn’t a Sone, she likes that skank-hoe group Sistar who you hate because they are all sluts who like anal.  She stares at you with a bitchface that isn’t far off her normal expression.

“Hey!  My group booked this room, you can’t have it!” she yells at you.

“You can’t vote for your slut group here, Sones have got it tonight.” you reply, deliberately deadpan just to piss her off.

“Rubbish!”  She waves a bit of paper at you – the booking sheet pinned to the classroom door.  “We’ve signed this first, and you haven’t!”

You look at the paper and she’s right, her signature is on it but nobody from your Sone group remembered to sign for the room.  Oh well.  You’re going to contest her anyway, why should she ruin your night?  “We book months in advance, and we were here first.”

“I’m telling the student union on you!  They’ll ban you from here!” she yells, throwing the bit of paper at you and slamming the door behind her as she storms out.  You quickly grab a pen and sign the paper, then stick it back up on the door.  What a bitch.

*****

The rest of the afternoon and evening passes exactly as you thought it would.  You get together with all the Sones in the University (there’s enough of you to fill a class) and watch Girls’ Generation’s music show performance on the classroom projector.  When voting starts you all sit at your desktop computers voting in small but frantic rapid-fire RSI-inducing movements.  Naturally SNSD win – of course, why wouldn’t they?  When do they ever not?  The margin was really close too, only a few dozen votes separated SNSD and the second place, some stupid smelly girl group that you don’t care about or even remember the name of because they’re not SNSD.  Cheers erupt around the classroom, and it’s good feeling like you were part of it.  Once the show is over, the live feed from the show is replaced with SNSD videos and the classroom order pizza, play computer games, socialise, drink soju and swap files of SNSD performances.  It’s a fun night and you return to the dorm exhausted at 11pm and crash into bed.

*****

DAY 2

“Gee gee gee gee, baby baby…. gee gee gee gee, baby baby…” – you reach over and switch off the alarm tone on your mobile phone.  Time to wake up!  You squint at the overly bright screen of your phone when it’s still on the charger.  New messages:

Kristi being a spazz again.  Mind you the girl in the picture does look a lot like Taeyeon.  Not completely, but close enough for you to be envious.

*****

Your English literature lecture today is about “To Kill a Mockingbird”, some book you haven’t even read yet about prejudice in America or whatever.  There’s way too much boring stuff you don’t have time to read on the reading list for this stupid literature course, and you’re reasonably hungover so you’re not going to start caring now.  The lecturer asks the class to refer to their text book essay question:

The lecturer points to you.  “What do you think?” he asks.

“Ummm… er… no!” you reply.

“Would you care to elaborate?” asks the lecturer.

“Well, I was really fearful that you would ask me this question, so I think real fear can be found in other places besides books, like in this lecture hall, for instance.”

The whole class laughs, but the lecturer is not impressed.  “Such a fear could be closely related to the fear of not achieving a passing grade, a fear which may in fact be very justified.  Does someone who has actually read the material care to attempt to answer the question?”

Satisfied that he’s extracted his pound of flesh from you, the lecturer continues talking about the boring book and you start zoning out again.  Fuck this boring shit.

*****

You’re sitting on a park bench in the University garden eating a sandwich when you hear a scream from behind you.

“Hey, YOU!” – you don’t even have to turn around, that voice is instantly recognisable – Cathy.

“Oh, hi Cathy!” you say, smiling fakely.

“You fucking BITCH!  I told the student union about how you stole that room from us and didn’t sign for it!  You signed the paper after we talked, you think you’re so fucking clever, you bitch!  But I took a photo of the paper BEFORE you did that so you’re FUCKED!  You and your Sones can go and suicide!”

“Dasom loves anal.” you reply.

“Do you wanna be hit?  This isn’t about Dasom you bitch!  You’ll never be allowed to have another voting night again!”

You would love for her to try, so you could hit her back, so you prod a little more.  “Dasom is a 9.5 on the hornyometer.  She would fuck a statue without a condom, she likes the feel of the cold marble against her vag.”

By now the commotion has attracted the attention of quite a few nearby students and a passing professor.  Noticing the increased attention and not wanting to start a public fight, Cathy backs off.  You smile your fakest possible smile at her as she glares at you and walks away.  Sistar fans are the worst.

*****

After University, you work a shift at your part-time job, a cashier at a supermarket checkout.  It’s boring as fuck, but it’s not a job where you really have to engage your mind in any real way, so you can at least think happy thoughts about SNSD’s world domination while you check out people’s groceries.  The shift passes uneventfully and you go back to the dorms and crawl into bed, having studied nothing.

*****

DAY 3

“Gee gee gee gee, baby baby…. gee gee gee gee, baby baby…” – you reach over and switch off the alarm tone on your mobile phone.  Time to wake up!  You squint at the overly bright screen of your phone when it’s still on the charger.  New messages:

Could Kristi be any more annoying?  It’s a good thing that you had your phone on silent at night.

You look outside.  There is a long black sedan parked in front of the dormitory.  Kristi seems really keen, what could be up?

You go outside, the rear car door opens for you.  Kristi is inside, she waves frantically for you to get in.  You get in the car and the door closes behind you, before you can close it yourself.  Sitting in the car with you is Kristi, and on the seat opposite and facing you is… Taeyeon?  Really?

Kristi whispers in your ear “it’s that girl who looks just like Taeyeon that I was telling you about!”

You look at her face, hidden behind glasses and a black scarf with skulls.  It can’t be Taeyeon – obviously.  What would she be doing here?  But whoever it is, it sure looks just like her.  Perhaps it really is someone who got surgery to resemble Taeyeon, it wouldn’t actually be the first time you’ve seen that, but definitely the first time you’ve seen someone who looks this close to the real thing.

“Hello, thanks for joining me”, says the girl.  She sounds just like Taeyeon too, it’s uncanny and creepy.

“Err… that’s okay.  Anytime!” you reply.

“Sure is nice of you getting up so early to join me in this car.  It’s a nice car, isn’t it?”

“Sure is!”  You admire the car’s interior – black seats with cream trim.

“Would you like to be able to own a car like this one day” she asks.

“Um…. I guess so!”  Why is she asking you this?

“So I guess you’d like to know why you’re here?”

“Yes!”  This conversation with this weird Taeyeon-lookalike is kind of freaking you out a little.  It would be sweet if she got to the point.

“Your activities as a Sone have been noted with gratitude.  I’d like to give you the opportunity to take your membership as a Sone to the next level, you seem like you would be a good candidate.  Is that something that you might be interested in?”

“YES, definitely!  SNSD is my life!” you reply without hesitation.

“You seem quite certain.  Be aware that with greater commitment to the Sone lifestyle comes far greater privilege, but also far greater responsibility.  Doors will open for you which you never thought possible, however you will be required to perform actions above and beyond that which are expected of a normal fandom member.  You will also be required to prove your worth.  Are you sure that this is something that you want?”

“YES!” you exclaim.

“Good.  Take this card.  When you’re ready to prove yourself, contact us with a text message.  Don’t call, text only.  Once you do, there’s no turning back.  Goodbye for now.”

The Taeyeon lookalike hands you a business card, and signals to her driver to open the doors.  You and Kristi – who, uncharacteristically, hasn’t said a single word – both quickly exit, and look back at the large sedan as it drives away.  You stare at the business card in your hand.

Creepy, and doesn’t seem very “Girls’ Generation-ish”.  You flip it over, there’s a phone number on the back.  You program it into your phone.  You don’t have time to do this now because lectures are soon, but when you get back to the dorm tonight you’ll send a text message.  You look over at Kristi.

“She said the same thing to me” says Kristi.

“Well, yeah, of course, she recruited you too didn’t she?”

“No, but I mean exactly the same thing.  Word for word.”

You shrug.  “Well, I’m sure she does this all the time, she probably recruits a lot and has a script memorised.”

“Just like our girls on TV” Kristi replies, smiling.

*****

English literature class this time is all about Jane Eyre again, and you haven’t done any more reading of it than last time.  Seriously, the book is like 600 pages or whatever, why even bother?  You just want to hang out with your Sone friends, lectures and study are just a means to an end, you just want to do the absolute bare minimum to pass the course and not drop out or repeat a year.  The professor asks the class to refer to today’s text book discussion question:

Who the fuck cares, seriously?  You see the professor scanning around the room, he’d better not pick on you again.  Fortunately he chooses someone else to shame into answering the question this time.  As you look at the girl who is answering the question you notice that she’s from your Sone group the other night, and she also has one of those business cards in her hand.  After she answers the question (some stupid tripe response you didn’t even listen to, but that the professor seemed quite pleased with) you watch her texting the number on the back.  For the rest of the lecture you keep one eye on her, she’s constantly checking her phone.  You’re not going to text yet however, you want to wait until you’re alone so you can give Skull & Sones your full undivided attention.  The professor then addresses the room:

“Listen up class, tomorrow morning we’re going to have the first short exam!  This exam counts toward 15% of your final grade, so study hard!”

You panic for about 30 seconds thinking about how you’re guaranteed to fail this exam, but then you start thinking about Girls’ Generation and the feelings go away.  Is there any problem that Girls’ Generation cannot solve?

*****

It’s early evening and you’re at the dorm, sitting on your bed with the Skull & Sones business card, and your phone.  You of course don’t need the card as the number is already programmed into your phone, but having it there makes the moment feel more special.  You text the number, and a reply comes immediately.

Well, that was a letdown.  When are you going to hear something?  Still, at least you’re “on the books” so you send a thank-you message to show your gratitude.

Hey!  There’s no need for the automated text service to be so rude!  Anyway, you get the hint, and wanting to be a good Skull & Sone and start off on the right foot you don’t text again.  Unlike University, this matters to you.

*****

DAY 4

“Gee gee gee gee, baby baby…. gee gee gee gee, baby baby…” – you reach over and switch off the alarm tone on your mobile phone.  Time to wake up!  You squint at the overly bright screen of your phone when it’s still on the charger.  New messages:

You quickly put on the nearest clothes you can find and race out to the front door of your dorms.  A package is waiting for you, a cardboard box with your name on it.

You pick the box up – it feels light, like there’s not much more than air inside, and it doesn’t rattle at all when you shake it.  You wonder what’s inside but you don’t open it – doing the job right is your pathway to being a Skull & Sone, you’re not going to blow it over some mild curiosity.  There’s another package underneath yours on the doorstep with Ellie’s name on it.  Ellie is one of the girls who is in your dorm, she’s part of the Sone groups too, so you figure she’s also a Skull & Sone in training.  You’re not as close with her as you are with Kristi, so you take your package but leave the other one for her to pick up later, you’re sure she’ll find it.

You look up the GPS location that the Skull & Sone text thing sent to your phone.  It’s not very far away, an office building a few blocks away from the University grounds.  You drop the box on top of the big pile of other boxes, clearly left by all the other Sones, and head off to your lectures… sorry, your EXAM HOLY SHIT YOU FORGOT THERE’S AN EXAM TODAY FUUUUUCK

*****

You’re sitting in the lecture hall, working on your exam.  You look down the pages, it’s all four-option multiple choice questions about books you’ve only half-read at best.  You have no idea about any of this shit, so you tick option “C” for every single question, that should be enough to get you over the line.  You leave the one-hour exam after 10 minutes of sitting.  The professor glares at you disdainfully as you exit.

*****

Later that evening, you arrive back at your dorm.  Your dormmate looks relieved to see you.

“You’re here!  We’re so glad you’re okay!”

“What?” you ask.

“Didn’t you hear about Ellie?”

“No?”

“She had a package delivered to her, and when she opened it, it blew up!  She’s in hospital, she’s lucky to be alive!”

“How….?  What was in the package?”

“They think it was a bomb!  Somebody might have tried to kill her!”

A cold shiver runs through your body.  Your package was light though, it wasn’t heavy, like a bomb would be.  Or maybe it was just a… very light bomb?  You had better text Kristi and make sure she’s okay.  You send her a message and a reply comes within a minute.

You breathe a sigh of relief.  But who knows how many other people got hurt… if any?

Just then another horrible thought occurs to you… what if all of you Sones were planting a massive stash of bombs and somebody was going to detonate it, blowing up that building?  Oh my god!  You run out of the dorms and through the nearby streets to where you dropped off the box earlier today, it’s a short sprint that only takes you a few minutes.  You get to the location and breathe a sigh of relief.  There are no boxes there, they are all gone, someone has obviously picked them up.  Exhausted from sprinting and stress, you walk back to the dorm slowly.

*****

It’s late at night.  You’re drinking soju and playing cards with some University friends behind the dorm building, when all of a sudden you hear someone yelling behind you.

“HEY you fucking BITCH!” – you don’t even have to turn around, that voice is instantly recognisable – Cathy.

“Oh, hi Cathy!” you say, smiling fakely.  You look at her, she’s furious!  Even by Cathy standards she looks angry, like she’ll start throwing punches at you at any moment.

“You little shit, I don’t know what the FUCK you said or did, or to WHO, but the student union is now saying that STAR1 tried to steal the room off you Sones, and that they’re going to ban US from booking the rooms out!”

You’re thoroughly amused by her display as well as the fate of her crappy Sistar fandom, but also genuinely confused.  “I didn’t say anything, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  You realise as soon as that statement comes out of your mouth how fake and cliched it sounds, but it is actually the truth.  Oh well, who cares if she doesn’t believe it – she’s not even a Sone.

“Bullshit!  You wanna die?  I’ll fucking cut you, bitch!”  Cathy makes a grab for one of the empty Soju bottles on the ground but a couple of your friends in the drinking circle restrain her.

“Honestly, I didn’t have anything to do with it.  Maybe the union just realised that whores spread disease.” you tell her calmly, as your friends push her further away from physical contact with both you and any sharp objects.  Eventually she gives up and walks away, yelling something about how she’ll be back or whatever, screaming off obscenities into the night.

*****

DAY 5

“Gee gee gee gee, baby baby…. gee gee gee gee, baby baby…” – you reach over and switch off the alarm tone on your mobile phone.  Time to wake up!  You squint at the overly bright screen of your phone when it’s still on the charger.  There’s a new message from Skull & Sones:

And of course also one from Kristi:

Skull tattoo – icky.  You’re so not keen on being branded for life with a cheesy skull, but hey it is a way to show your dedication to the cause of Sone life, and you definitely want to make the grade to be a Skull & Sone, so you figure that you might as well.  You have no lectures today and only a class meeting in the late afternoon, therefore plenty of time to find a tattoo place, not that you’d know where to find one.  Maybe Kristi knows?  You send her a message and as usual, she replies quickly.

Of course Kristi would know.  You begin the walk to her dorm.

*****

At the tattoo parlour, a middle-aged Korean tattoo artist with tattoos everywhere on his body laughs at you both.

“This is the fifth and sixth tattoo I’ve done today for the exact same thing!  I hear the other tattoo parlors have plenty of this type of work today too!  Skull & Sone!”

You and Kristi look at each other.  “Yeah um… it’s a fandom thing.” you explain, sheepishly.  You feel slightly stupid.

“You’re sasaeng!”

You laugh nervously.  “No, we’re not sasaeng!  We just like SNSD a lot.”

“Yes, like a sasaeng!  The other girls who asked for this, they definitely were sasaeng!  They talk about how they would do anything for their idol, even kill!”

You’re about to say “we wouldn’t kill for SNSD” but the words stick in your throat, as you begin to wonder if that’s true.  You stay silent.

“I would do a lot for SNSD too, I think I would tattoo Sunny’s breasts for half price!”

You and Kristi make eye contact and both try to roll eyes at each other, but you can’t do it without appearing rude in front of the tattoo guy so you just end up both looking at each other and raising your eyebrows a little.

“Okay, so who goes first?” the tattoo artist asks.

“ME!” says Kristi, a little too keenly.

*****

Later that afternoon, your arm still hurting and your tattoo encased in plastic wrap, you attend your class meeting.  Everyone gets the results of the English literature test given to them.  The professor walks up to you and hands you a piece of paper, your marks for the test, 15% of your grade is riding on this, which is a lot for such a small test.

The professor sighs as he hands you the results, seemingly reluctantly, while also glaring disapprovingly at your new skin art.

You look at the paper – 100%, you aced the test!  How?  Was option “C” really the right choice for every single question, surely not?  You look up at the professor.  “How?” you ask him.  He doesn’t reply, but shakes his head and looks to the ground, then ignores you while he continues to hand out results to the other students.

*****

DAY 6

“Gee gee gee gee, baby baby…. gee gee gee gee, baby baby…” – you reach over and switch off the alarm tone on your mobile phone.  Time to wake up!  You squint at the overly bright screen of your phone when it’s still on the charger.  There’s a new message from Skull & Sones:

The meeting room isn’t far, you’re there in five minutes.  However the door to the meeting room is locked.  Most of the other Sones from the University are here too, and a few trickle in behind you as you arrive.  Everyone’s comparing mobile phone messages.  After a few minutes of confused chatter it becomes clear that all the students have been told to go to the same locked meeting room, but they all have different package numbers.

“EXCUSE ME GIRLS!” bellows a loud voice.  It’s the Taeyeon-lookalike girl, who walks through the crowd of students.

Much discussion erupts among the students about whether the Taeyeon-lookalike girl is really Taeyeon.  The consensus seems to be that she looks identical, but it doesn’t seem possible, because why would she be spending any time here?  As the girl walks you can hear a jingling metal noise – she has the keys to the room.

“Do you know what time it is?  It must be party time!  Here we go!” she says in a cynicism-tinged imitation of Tiffany’s vocal intro on SNSD’s “Party” as she unlocks the door.  All the girls crush each other as they race into the room.  The room is bare except for one side which has some stacks of cardboard boxes.

You recognise them – they’re the same boxes that were stacked up in the street the other day as part of the first test, except this time they have small numbers on the top of each box.  The group gets apprehensive.  Some of them start talking about Ellie, who was blown up by opening a box.  A loud thump then startles the group, followed by a metal turning sound – the Taeyeon-lookalike has locked you in the room!  A few girls scream but then this is interrupted by loud mobile phone sounds as every single person in the room simultaneously receives a text message.  You check your phone, as does everybody else in the room.

After the experience with Ellie blowing herself up, you decide to remain cautious and wait for someone else to open the first box.  Kristi, being Kristi, throws caution to the wind, finds her box and opens it first.  Inside her box is a cute pink and purple skipping rope, and a photo of a girl.  She shows you the photo, you don’t recognise who it is.  A girl behind you says “hey, that’s me!”.  You turn around, it’s someone you don’t know, but you look at her facial features and it’s evident that she is the girl in the photo.

Kristi starts trying to skip using the rope, but it’s difficult with so many people crammed inside a tiny room.  Meanwhile, other girls start opening their packages.  Each one has a different item, and a photo of a different person.  Various items other girls obtain include a butter knife, a brick, a computer hard disk, a takeaway food container with nothing inside it, a ping-pong racket, a roll of toilet paper.  You find your package and open it.  Your package contains a clothes iron, and a photo of Kristi.  Some gasps of shock come from one corner of the room as someone’s package is revealed to contain a small handgun, which makes the whole room turn around and Kristi stop skipping.  After a minute of unboxing, everyone’s phones start buzzing again.  You look at your phone.

You look around the room in shock.  Most of the girls start either screaming or crying, as most of them know the person they have been ordered to kill.

“I’m not going to kill anyone!” one girl screams.

“I didn’t sign up for this!  I just wanted to love SNSD with all my heart!” says another girl.

“You don’t love SNSD, you traitor!” yells someone else, as she tries to stab the previous girl in the face with a butter knife.  Several other girls restrain her.

“This is ridiculous!  We can’t kill each other!” you yell at the group.  “Let’s all lay our photos out.  Is there anyone here who is not in one of the photos?”

Everyone becomes suddenly reluctant to show their photos, holding their cards to their chest or in their pockets.

“What?” you ask.  “Let’s get to the bottom of this!”

“I… don’t want someone else to have an advantage.” confesses one girl.  “Somebody might see their face in my photo… and kill me first!”

“Damn right you traitorous BITCH” yells Kristi as she runs up to the girl and loops her skipping rope around her neck.  Several other girls try to remove Kristi from the girl but Kristi’s grip is too tight and she stays latched on firmly.  Both Kristi and the other girl fall to the floor and start rolling around and struggling, tripping up several other people in the process.  Kristi’s pink and purple skipping rope becomes stained red as she draws blood from the other girl’s throat, choking her to death.  The scene is horrible – is your friend that much of a psycho that she can kill anyone?  The rest of the room look on in utter shock.

“I killed her – now let me out!” Kristi screams toward the locked door.  No movement on the other side of the door.

“Why did you have to kill her Kristi?” you scream.

“I just want to be a Skull Sone!  I want to win!” Kristi starts crying.

“But where’s the evidence that the girl was an anti?  How do you know the text isn’t just lying?”

“Fuck you.  The text said I can’t leave the room until I kill her!” Kristi screams back.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s a lie!  It doesn’t matter!  They won’t let us out anyway until we kill all the traitors!” someone else screams.

“They HAVE to be traitors, why would they lie to us?  What do we need evidence for?  Why would someone just randomly lie like that?  Nobody does that, do they?  It must be true!” replies Kristi.

Kristi’s crying is interrupted by a squelching sound as the girl with the butter knife uses the distraction to stab the other girl she aimed for previously, swiftly removing an eye socket.  Much screaming commences from the now-eyeless girl as the butter knife girl is then pounced on by another girl wielding a plastic bag who does her best to try and suffocate her.  Chaos ensues as more girls attack each other with random objects.  You notice that the girl with the gun is trying to figure out how to disengage the safety lock, so you do your best to huddle up into a corner, behind some of the discarded cardboard boxes, before bullets start flying everywhere around the small room.  A few seconds later someone else grabs the gun off her and starts beating her in the head with the handle, removing the threat.  All the while, Kristi keeps screaming at the door “LET ME OUT!  I’ve done what you asked, LET ME OUT!” but the door doesn’t budge.  All of a sudden you feel faint, and spots appear in front of your vision, then everything turns black.

*****

You wake up.  You’re still in the same room, lying in the corner.  Kristi is still screaming “let me out” but much quieter as she appears to have lost most of her voice.  The entire rest of the room is a gigantic pile of dead bodies, severed limbs and blood.  You must have been out for a while as some of the bodies are starting to stink up, and you can smell feces and urine leaking from the corpses.

Kristi turns to look at you, her face covered in blood and offal.  “Why won’t they let me out?”

You take the photo you were given out of your pocket and show it to her.  “Because you’re a ‘traitor’, Kristi.”

Kristi stares at the photo for about thirty seconds, dumbfounded and speechless.

“I can’t kill you Kristi, just because someone says I have to.”

Kristi shakes her head.  “But you do have to.  Or how are you going to be a Skull Sone?”

“Fuck being a Skull Sone, seems shitty.”

Kristi smiles.  “But they won’t open the doors if you don’t pass the test, we’ll starve to death.  They have the power.  Hey, who was supposed to kill you, anyone?”

“I don’t know.  It could be anyone here.  I guess they’re not alive anymore…. but nobody attacked me.”

Kristi starts rummaging through the corpses.  “Oh look, here it is!” she says as she finds the small handgun and points it at you.

You put your hands up.  You don’t even know where your weapon is.  “I’m not going to kill you, like I said.”

“Fine then.” says Kristi, as she puts the gun inside her own mouth and pulls the trigger.  Click.

You gasp.

“Oh.  Safety’s still on.  I’m so stupid.”  Kristi takes the gun out of her mouth, flicks a lever on the side, puts the gun back in and pulls the trigger, this time successfully killing herself.  Her body falls to the side and lands amongst all the others, as you start crying.  You then hear the sound of a key turning in a lock, and the door to the room opening.  Your grief turns to anger, as you grab the gun Kristi used to kill herself with and rush out the door looking for the Taeyeon lookalike, but she is nowhere to be seen.

*****

EPILOGUE

A week later, you’re visiting Ellie in hospital.  You were never that close, but you have a newfound appreciation for Sone friends now that most of the ones you knew are gone.  Ellie’s right leg was blown off by the explosion, but the doctors are working on a new prosthetic leg which she will get fitted for soon.  Ellie seems in good spirits, considering everything.

“You’re so fortunate to have missed the third test.  You’re one of the lucky ones, you know” you say to her.

“So are you”, she replies.  “Look what was in the box I had which blew up”.  She hands you a photo.  It’s a picture of yourself.

“Excuse me, you have another visitor!” says the nurse, as someone walks in.  You gasp in shock and a shiver runs down your spine.  It’s the Taeyeon lookalike!

Tears start coming from your eyes.  Why is she here?  Has she no shame?

“Hi there!  Congratulations on your membership!” she says, smiling as if nothing in the world is wrong.

“W…why?  Why would you kill all those Sones?”  you ask.

She laughs.  “Ha!  You would too, if you were us!”

You and Ellie stare at each other.  You think about how easily Kristi and all the others in that room were willing to end the lives of people they thought they knew, just based on nothing but lies.  Maybe she has a point?

It’s time for Kpopalypse roundup!  Let’s check out this week’s new releases!

Berry Good

Jonghyun – She Is

Hitomi Tanaka didn’t wish Jonghyun a happy birthday this year, so he clearly made this awful funk song as revenge.  Breakups are tough, man.

Oh My Girl – Windy Day

Replace the girly main vocals here with Freddy Mercury’s girly main vocals and this could be a song from Queen in about 1975.  Yes, that’s a recommendation.

Boyfriend – To My Best Friend

And replace the generic k-pop male voices here with generic k-pop female voices and this could be a SNSD album track from 2008.  No, that’s not a recommendation.

Skull ft. Sizzla – Get Rich

Skull is becoming more listenable for me lately.  Or maybe the girls in his videos are just hotter now, I’m not sure which.  Jesus, look at this smug-looking fuck.

Road Boyz – Shake It, Shake It

People want to know if I like this song or not but everyone’s dodging the real issue – is that girl the same one who was in Fresh Boyz “Koala“?

Ailee ft. Truedy – I Can’t Live Without You

Usually I ignore OST songs but this is actually the best thing Ailee has done since her debut songs, and the best thing Truedy has done since crying in a stairwell.

MAP6 – Swagger Time

Only average but they get points simply for not calling it “Swag Time”, which could have easily happened.

Tahiti – The Secret

It’s not too terrible but if the “secret” they’re referring to is where to find an iconic T-ara style electronic dance song, I think they need to keep looking.

Beenzino – Life In Colour

Beenzino clearly read my post about music genres and how k-pop avoids drum & bass like the plague, and decided that it was uncharted territory worth exploring.  Of course he’s wrong and drum & bass is total bullshit music for fuckheads, but at least now I can edit that post with an actual D&B example!  Thanks Beenzino!

BONUS SONGS

Baek A Yeon – So-So

It’s only so-so, so it didn’t get on the playlist.  Cheers for the honesty Baek A Yeon, you’re making my life programming radio shows a lot easier.

BNa ft. Dono – Amazing

On the other hand here’s some lying cunts.

Spacecowboy ft. Paloalto – Grotesque

This song saves itself from the yolo bin by daring to do something different with the vocoder/talk box and synths.

Amber – Need To Feel Needed

How many boring solo songs is Amber going to crap out?  If she wants to feel needed, this isn’t the way to go about it.

Fling – Morning Blue

This sounds like all those English late-80s ponderous boring guitar bands with stupid hair who used too much reverb on everything.

Han Yo Han ft. Microdot, Isle – Fire

Get Primary’s “Don’t Be Shy“, slow it down to half speed and remove everything that made that song cool and/or interesting including every last trace of dub feel and you basically have this.  Fucking horrid.

Sugardonut – Flower In The Night

“Imagine, Close Your Eyes” must have had too much quality for the Korean market so they came out with this soft-as-fuck boring pedestrian rock to pay the bills.

Dumbfounddead – Safe

Okay man, we get the point about Hollywood whitewashing, you don’t have to insert yourself over America’s shitty funeral-tempo trap music too.

We Are The Night – Dial

What is a group with a name like that doing playing stuff that doesn’t sound like either Cradle Of Filth or Bring Me The Horizon, that’s what I want to know.

Hongcha – Cheer Up

Features air guitar.  That’s all the reason I need to like this.

GAPP – Do You Know Hip-Hop?

Yes I know hip-hop, and it is GAPP, Korea’s answer to Bangs.  Did you know that “Bangs” spelled backwards is “Sgnab”, which is kind of like “Gapp” but not really?  Whoa.

That’s it for Kpopalypse roundup!  More new stuff next week!

It’s been quite a while since Kpopalypse has turned 20, so I think some beauty care on this site is overdue.  Read on to help Kpopalypse decide the new layout of Kpopalypse blog!

The layout that Kpopalypse blog debuted with in December 2012 was a theme called “Black Letterhead”.  Here is how the site would look right now with the original Kpopalypse layout (ignore the blue circles, they’re artifacts of the “preview” mode):

Only a few of you readers would have seen this layout, as I changed it way back in 2013, long before the site gained even the small amount of popularity that it has now.  The main attributes of this layout:

• Ugly
• Messy
• Weirdly skinny, not much screen real-estate used
• Awful fonts that suck ass
• Light text on a black background gave half of my readers a migraine
• Probably looked like shit on mobile phones, not that I ever tested it
• Lagged like a bitch
• At least I felt cool because my site was black

Right now I’m using a theme called “Suits”, which looks like this:

This theme is definitely a step up.  Notable attributes:

• Reasonably okay to look at
• Runs decently quick
• More efficient use of space
• Title/heading font still kinda sucks
• Picture captions look terrible
• As least it’s readable overall and doesn’t make people want to murder me (the content should do that, not the design)
• Grey background that I added so I could not get eyestrain while reading late at night is nice
• Arguably lost some of the uniqueness of the site

However I feel that it’s still not quite what I’m looking for.  Here’s the things that I really want out of a Kpopalypse blog layout:

• Pretty – must be prettier than the result of a visit to SM Entertainment’s jawbone-scraper
• Simple – I don’t want fancy trendy multi scroll up the ass flashy weird fucking bullshit thanks
• Clear – there’s enough esoteric bullshit on my blogsite without also making the layout confusing
• Has a sidebar – don’t worry Yooa you’re not going anywhere (especially not L.A.)
• Cheap – I’d like to not pay for my theme if possible
• Gay – people should look at the site and say “that Kpopalypse sure is one hell of a faggot bitch”

Below are all the possible theme candidates that I have found, that meet at most/all of these criteria.  Once again, ignore the blue pencil icons on all of these images, those don’t appear in the final product.  Keep in mind that these themes are customisable but only to a certain extent, I’ll probably be able to change background colours etc but particular fonts and sizing are tied to the theme and probably can’t be changed.  Also note that these images are not exactly to scale.

Theme: Adelle

• Pretty – yes.  Don’t know about that weird black bar at the top but I can deal.  “Your mum” sadly absent.
• Simple – yes.  Not a radical departure from what I’ve already got.
• Clear – yes.  Probably clearer than what I have now.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – title font, fancy dividers and general pinkness does meet required standards of fagginess.

Theme: Comet

• Pretty – kind of.  I think the title fonts could be better, most of the rest is okay.
• Simple – yes.  Not a radical departure from what I’ve already got.
• Clear – yes.  Probably clearer than what I have now, but maybe just a bit too spacious between each post.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – I feel that this theme, while gay, doesn’t meet the gayness of some of the other themes on offer.

Theme: Elegant Grunge

• Pretty – The stained “grunge” (?) look is nice, like Sunny wearing a flanellete shirt with a tight white T-shirt underneath.  However I don’t like the narrowness especially when most readers have widescreen desktops these days.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – kind of.  The title font is too big to look neat with some of my wordier post headings.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – grunge definitely was a musical movement for faggots so I feel that this theme is gay enough to satisfy my special needs.

Theme: Elemin

• Pretty – yes, really nice overall with everything included, makes me jizz.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – yes.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – NO!  I have to pay $125 for this shit, would you believe?  However, if I get $125 of Patreon money per year I’ll consider this.
• Gay – pleasingly faggy title font and general feel.

Theme: Everbrite multi-event

• Pretty – reasonably good but the sidebar is a bit meh and seems too wide.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – title font maybe a little small.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – falls a little short on the faggot bitch scale, sadly.  Zico would not approve.

Theme: Libretto

• Pretty – pure sex, I am barring up right now looking at this.  Your mum is absent but maybe lucky for you.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – yes.
• Has a sidebar – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – looks as faggy as the graphic design on those 4AD releases in the 80s.  I approve.

Theme: Lovebirds

• Pretty – yes, although I could do without the two birds in the cage.  Maybe if I could replace them with Hyomin and Eunjung making out.  Also this theme is a no MILF zone.
• Simple – basic enough.
• Clear – a little messy, plus any titles in all-caps look like absolute unreadable shit.
• Has a sidebar – yes, although I’m not keen about having it on the left side.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – gold-star faggotry!  There is no chance of me being identified as heterosexual if I use this theme.

Theme: Nucleare

• Pretty – yes, very nice design really.  However no visible tags or mothers which is a shame.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – yes.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – could be faggier but I feel that it’s just gay enough to get over the line.  An under-the-table hand-shandy rather than an anal fisting.

Theme: Plane

• Pretty – reasonably good but the title and sidebar fonts are a bit bland like what I’m already using.  No mum.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – divider between posts is a bit too nothingy.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – definitely a little lacking in gayness which is disappointing.

Theme: Silesia

• Pretty – acceptable but kind of dull.  No sign of Boram.  Blue blog icons look a bit shit.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – yes.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – very heterosexual, does not meet required standards.

Theme: Truly Minimal

• Pretty – a little bit too minimal for its own good.  No mum.
• Simple – yes.
• Clear – yes.
• Has a sidebar – yes.
• Cheap – yes.
• Gay – disappointingly straight-looking, probably doesn’t stay out after 6pm.

You’ll notice that all these themes are reasonably similar, and that’s because I’m after a specific kind of look.  Which one should I choose?  Click below to do a short two-question survey and help Kpopalypse become pretty and gay to help increase his popularity hugely!

heeeeeeyyyyy caonimas! its time for a positive posht

Kangin

so pepll keep asking me ‘when am i going to do positive pshyt kangin’ and the answer is NOW YA CUNTS

Kangin

fuckin kanging was fuckin FUCK he was drunk and he went for a drive and hit a poll

Kangin Super Jinours

i dont see what so bad about it its not like he hit a person or anything ahtough he culd have but he didnt man,

Kangin

ppelpe actin like hes a murderer must be the most well loved poll in south korea, he hit a polls in south career and his korea went south hahahahahahaha but just jokes cos hes me mate

Kangin

i like you kangin cos australians get drunk and drive all the time so its liklie hes one of us, honourary australian MATE

Kangin

the other day i was doin stuff and a mate sai dhey you like kpop a dn i said yeh and he said fuck off cunt and i said no u fuck off cyunt, then i smashhed that cunt for being such a oloser, no i didn’t really cos i love everyone man i just puinched the wall but it hurt like i smashed him hey, fucking love you kanging

Kanging

i am non violence i love all my readers, i just wanna say kanging i put my arm around him and go i love you MAAAATE, i love you maaaaaaaaaate MAAAAAATE

KANGING SUper Juniors

fucking love you <MMAAAAAATE, you are so beutiful i love all my readers come to austrlaia i buy you a beer mate fuckn lets get pissed cunt

Kaingin

in fact i think i had enough to drink now kangin lets go home hey i drive ya in my new commodore VH its got new mags its fully sick

KANGING

hey why you looking at me like that kainging, its my car cunt

k anging

WHATS WRONG WITH THE WAY I DRIVE, I LIKE TO DRIVE

fucin cunt

The results of the survey to decide the new Kpopalypse theme are in!  The original post has been edited to include these results – click Yooa below to check them out!