Yes that’s right, it’s KPOPALYPSE FANFICTION TIME once again!
Some readers have been saying that I don’t focus on the guys enough in my writing. I hear you! So, for all those readers out there craving some man love, here’s a fanfiction featuring the hunkiest, chunkiest man in k-pop, Super Junior’s Shindong, because I’m always willing to listen and take on board constructive criticism. The fan feels from this post to those craving some sexy male romance should be so intense that once you’ve read it all, you’ll be begging for me to get back to writing about k-pop girls instead just to give you the opportunity to cool your hormones down a bit.
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You’re female, Korean, 20 years old, a University student, heterosexual and you’ve also been a k-pop fan for a while. You’ve got a passing interest in quite a few groups, but most of all, you like Super Junior. They’re the group that has stayed with you right from the start of your interest in k-pop until the present day, and it’s impossible to listen to old hits like “Sorry Sorry” or “Bonamana” and not feel nostalgic. You admit that their newer material isn’t all that great in comparison, but you still avidly follow their every move anyway, and there’s one big reason why:
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Shindong. Who can resist his raw, animalistic, barely suppressed sexuality? Not you, that’s for sure. You’ve done your best to cover every square inch of your bedroom with Shindong posters, and they’re starting to cover the ceiling as well. You make sure to catch all of his appearances on stages and variety shows. Lately, you’ve even been writing him letters professing your undying love at the rate of about one per week (you’d write more if University wasn’t so busy), but he never replies. Surely it couldn’t be mere rudeness, could it be that your true confessions just get buried under the sheer avalanche of fan mail that he receives daily? There’s no way of knowing for sure, but as your studies at University progress, the harsh reality of a life without ever touching the flesh of Shindong draws closer and closer. Each new day is like a slow rejection of your ultimate goal delivered in bite-size chunks, but you’d rather be biting into Shindong’s chunks. Is there any hope for your dreams?
One day you’re at the computer doing your daily Shindong fap image search, when you stumble across something that makes your jaw drop right to the floor.
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Your knee-jerk reaction: that bitch. You’re fuming. How dare she touch that which is rightfully yours! Did she write him a letter every week for the last two years like you did? Does she even listen to any of Super Junior’s songs? Who the fuck is this bitch, anyway? You bet she just nodded and pretended to care when he cried on her shoulder about being refused the extra sweet potato at the SM cantina. Only you understand Shindong’s needs. Only you are truly made for him.
The days wear on, and the initial feeling of “how can I kill that slut?” subsides, gradually becoming supplanted by a new, more considered, more thoughtful question: “how can I take that slut’s place?”. You sit and think about it for a while. How does one do more than dream about getting into bed with their idol, how does one actually get to be with them, for real? You go on the Internet and take a look at some other past and present idol relationships for clues:
Super Junior’s Shindong – model Kang Shin
SHINee’s Jonghyun – actress Shin Se Kyung
B2ST’s Junhyun – KARA’s Goo Hara
2PM’s Nichkhun – SNSD’s Tiffany
Se7en – actress Park Han Byul
After looking at these examples and dozens of others just like them, both real and speculated, a harsh reality dawns on you: people in showbusiness only ever date other people in showbusiness. That settles it. If you want Shindong – and you do – then you need to get into showbusiness. You must get into showbusiness. You will get into showbusiness somehow, and Shindong will be yours.
There’s only one problem: you’re completely fucking untalented and useless in every way imaginable. You can’t sing, you can’t act, you can’t entertain at all, you shit yourself even whenever you have to do anything like speaking in public, you’re basically a shy mousey creature with no presence or self-confidence whatsoever. Sure, you’re okay with being told what to do and following instructions like the Korean school system has taught you oh-so-well, but you have no creativity to speak of, and thinking for yourself is way outside of your comfort zone… you’ve been raised as a consumer, not a creative artist. How on earth does someone as bland and wallpapery as YOU get a foothold in the big scary world of entertainment?
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Oh. Of course.
Three months later, you’re a trainee at SM Entertainment. You did well at the auditions: you read the guides, you followed the instructions, you did what you were told. Now you’re bunking in a crowded dorm room with six other girls, with a plan to debut at some far-flung date in the future… maybe. It’s not an easy life, with every day consisting of a full schedule of exercise, dance practice, PR coaching, language coaching, voice coaching, and eating bland salad and brown rice. You have no contact with the outside world, no contact with family and friends, no computers, no TV or mobile phones, no income, and no time off. To make matters worse, the girls you dorm with are intolerable – you find them impossible to relate to or have a normal conversation with, as everything has an undercurrent of competitive bitchiness. They’ve clearly all got their eyes on the lights of super-stardom, whereas you try not to think about the bigger picture of k-pop, just about surviving one day at a time, and that each day is edging you closer to Shindong.
By far the majority of your time is spent in the gym, working on dance routines, increasing your modest flexibility and honing your physique in increasingly smaller increments to the idealised, sculpted, super-skinny k-pop body archetype. Your dancing and movement skills are very sub-par so you receive intense coaching in gymnastics and it’s evident that SM takes this side of things super-seriously. You’re rarely alone while exercising – the gym is crowded and people drift in and out all time time, occasionally even including people from other groups that you recognise (no Shindong though, although it doesn’t surprise you that a gym might not be the most likely place to run into him). The first time Amber from f(x) turned up to give some dance tips there was a fair bit of fangirling from the other girls in your group, but everyone’s over that type of shit now and just gets on with it. You’ve seen all the f(x) girls except Sulli and about half of SNSD but you don’t see the guys as much, you’re not sure why. Maybe they keep them separated on purpose?
One day, while practicing your stretches, your group’s young male gym coach walks in and stops you.
“Listen up. Your flexibility is still rubbish. There’s no way you’re going to be ready for a debut with the slow rate you’re progressing. Management decided that you could use a little extra help.”
You notice that there’s a girl standing next to him. Dressed casual and wearing big sunglasses, it takes your brain a little while to register that it’s Sunny from SNSD – you’re not used to seeing her with the normal hair that she has nowadays, plus without her signature makeup.
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The gym coach continues. “Sunny here used to be crap too, just like you. Every week from now on, Sunny is going to spend half an hour with you, helping you to gain more flexibility. She’s going to show you what she did to become a fully functioning member of the world’s biggest female k-pop group. Aren’t you, Sunny?”
Sunny doesn’t react, you notice that she’s completely oblivious – she still has her phone earbuds in, and you can hear the music from them from where you’re standing – some trot song. The coach reaches over and pulls the left earbud out of her ear by tugging the cord harshly.
“Hey, fucking watch it!” Sunny looks at your coach, annoyed. “My ears are a precious asset, you know! No ears, no original lineup SNSD you fucking asshole!”
The coach repeats himself to her: “….aren’t you, Sunny?”
“Aren’t I what?” Sunny takes off her sunglasses and removes the other earbud. Damn, she looks like a completely different person with no makeup at all. You could walk right by her in the street and not even know who she was.
The coach sighs. “Fuck, you weren’t even listening.”
“WHAT?”
“Look… this is the girl. Teach her stretches and shit, like we discussed. Can you do that?”
Sunny looks you up and down briefly. “Yeah sure, whatever.” She stares back at him for a few seconds, and there’s a brief awkward silence. “Okay, so can you please fuck off now?”
“I don’t get to watch?”
“Fuck. Off.” Sunny stares the coach down and waves him away.
“You’d better not jerk me around on this”, the coach says under his breath while walking to the exit.
Sunny yells after him. “You wish, fuckhead!”
After he leaves, Sunny turns back to you and her demeanour changes, she instantly settles down and becomes more relaxed. “I’m sorry about that, but I fucking hate that cunt. Such a tits pervert. Come with me, I need a fucking cigarette.”
Sunny grabs you by the wrist, and starts walking towards the gym’s fire exit. “But what about the exercises?” you ask.
“Fuck the fucking exercises. Do you enjoy being a gym slave? Plenty of time for that bullshit later.”
Sunny reaches the fire exit, and pushes the door. It rattles but doesn’t open.
“FUCK! They fucking locked it again. Give me a minute.” Sunny takes her phone out of her tracksuit pants and speed-dials a number. You hear only Sunny’s half of the phone conversation:
“Hey, cunt.”
“Open the door you piece of shit.”
“Yeah well what are we supposed to do if there’s a fucking fire?”
“I can see who I want to see.”
“No shit. So fucking what. Open it.”
“Open it, faggot.”
“Do you care about SM Entertainment’s investment in our talent, you fucking cunt? What about our fire safety, cockhead?”
“You’re such a piece of shit. I heard SM is in the market for a new gym coach. Could just be rumours… but you never know.”
“Here’s a joke: What’s ugly, a stupid bitch, and should fuck off? YOU. Now open the door.”
“I fucking hate you. I hope you trip and die, asshole. I might start eating bananas and leaving the peels around the gym so you better watch out.”
Sunny hangs up, and gives you that famous broad smile. “He’ll be here in a minute to open it.”
Every week, you meet with Sunny at the gym for “exercise”, which routinely consists of 20 minutes of Sunny smoking in the fire exit, 5 minutes of Sunny abusing the gym coach, and 5 minutes of her doing a few stretches with you at the end of each session before the gym coach returns so it looks like she’s been working you out the whole time. Once during a particularly slack session where she did nothing but smoke and talk about the bitchy personal politics within SNSD (“we dorm separately so we don’t murder each other in our sleep”) she even sprayed you in the face with a water bottle and when the coach returned said “look how hard she’s been sweating”. You start to look forward to the Sunny “gym sessions”. It’s a break from the grinding routine, and you start to feel yourself bonding with Sunny, as much as it’s possible to bond with someone who speaks random profanity as a second language.
One day you’re both outside the building by the fire exit. Sunny is sitting in her favourite spot on the small stairway leading up to the entrance, smoking as per usual.
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You are sitting next to her. She looks at you with a thoughtful expression.
“I’ve been wondering about you. You’re not like the other girls here.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re not here for the same reason that they are. You’re not interested in being a k-pop star. There’s something else going on with you, isn’t there.”
You feel nervous. She’s onto you, might as well come clean, you suppose. “Well… okay, well… there’s this guy…”
Sunny immediately cuts you off, laughing and clapping. “HA! I knew it! Same reason as me! I can pick them a mile away!” Sunny puts a hand on your shoulder and reassures you “Don’t worry, nothing to feel ashamed of! How else are we going to get laid by these popstars, right?”
You stop and feel embarrassment and confusion. It can’t be true – Sunny is just in k-pop for the D? You feel like you have a million questions, yet you’re speechless.
Sunny laughs and continues. “What the fuck else do you think I’m in this for? You know I’m Lee Soo Man’s niece, right? It’s not like I need the money. So… who is it?”
“Who is what?” You knew what she meant, but you’re playing dumb in the hope she says “never mind, forget I asked” or something similar. You really don’t want your Shindong love to be outed.
No such luck. “This guy, the one that you’re putting yourself through this bullshit for. Who is he? It IS, a guy, right?”
You feel very awkward, you’re worried that Sunny is going to laugh at you. After ten seconds delay you mutter “….. Shindong.”
Your worries were well-founded. Sunny seems to think this is hilarious, she spends the next half a minute rolling around on the stairwell in paroxysms of laughter. You sigh deeply – you knew this would happen.
Sunny puts her hand up to your shoulder again. “Hey, it’s just funny, that’s all! Sorry for laughing, I can’t help it. It’s sweet… really.”
You grudgingly forgive her. She’s not being mean about it. “So who are you after, then?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Why not? I told you mine! Fair’s fair!”
Sunny shakes her head. “Yeah, but it’s different for me – I’m a celeb. If it leaks…” Sunny puts her fingers up to her throat to indicate a knife slicing it. “Revealing who we’re dating has to be done with exact timing. It’s the rules. Anyway, you should be happy.”
“Why?”
“Because…” Sunny takes a long drag on her cigarette before continuing, “…I can probably get you a date with him.”
You can’t believe it. “Really? You would do that, for me?”
Sunny shrugs. “Sure. Why not? When do you want to see him?”
You stare at Sunny in complete disbelief. You’re trying really hard not to completely spazz out like the crazy fangirl you are… people inside the gym might hear, this is not something you want them to know about.
Sunny smiles. “Ha, forget I asked. Let me ring the Ram up.” Sunny takes her phone out of her handbag.
“Who’s Ram?”
“Boram, you know, T-ara. She’s part of the D-hunter club too, hell, her sister’s group is even called ‘D-Unit’, if only people knew how true that was. Those two are stinking rich, they’re even more loaded than I am, they don’t give one solitary fuck about any of this idol shit. You’ve seen how useless they are on TV. They don’t practice, they don’t do shit, they just scheme to get their pussy lips around popstar cock, all day, all night. She’s determined too. If you’re a male idol and Boram wants you, look out – she’s unstoppable! But anyway, Ram knows Shinsadong Tiger, and Tiger knows Shindong. So we’re gonna get Ram on the case and she’s gonna get you some of that Shinsadong Shindong dong.”
You nod. You’re very appreciative, but it tears you up a little inside to hear Sunny being so crass about sex and especially about your true idol love. He’s more than just a piece of meat to you, it’s offensive. Still, she’s doing you a massive favour, so you stay quiet. Sunny makes a call, and rolls her eyes when the phone goes to an answering service.
“Hey Ram you fucking slut. Call me back. Got a job for you, top priority. Do it, whore.”
Sunny hangs up. “She’ll ring back fast. She’s good like that. Bitch does fuck all else with her day when she doesn’t have schedules. I’ll give her one minute.”
30 seconds later, Sunny’s phone rings. The ringtone is Super Junior’s “Sexy, Free and Single“, hearing the song at this time seems appropriate and cheers you up. Sunny picks up the call without stopping to look at who it is. You hear her half of the phone conversation:
“Hey slut.”
“Yeah, um… there’s someone I want you to meet.”
“Yeah, I think you might want to help her out.”
“Oh, you will. So, can you do it?”
“How’s tomorrow sound, at this time?” Sunny looks at you and asks “Tomorrow’s okay, isn’t it?” You nod quickly.
“Yeah yeah, it’s cool. Come around to the usual spot. Oh, and do you have some smokes? I’m running low.”
“Yeah of course, I’m always good for it.”
“See you then, whore.”
Sunny hangs up. “It’s on.” She smiles at you. You think – if only her fans knew what was really behind that smile. The idol world is so different to anything you ever imagined.
The next day, you’re with Sunny outside the fire exit. Sunny isn’t smoking, she tells you that she ran out of cigarettes earlier that day. She’s in an antsy mood – “I’m so hanging out for a fucking smoke, holy fuck… but Ram’s like clockwork, it’ll be cool soon” she says. You’re still a long way off meeting Shindong yet, but you can’t help but be a little nervous about this preliminary meeting, not because it’s Boram (you never really cared about T-ara, you’ve always seen them as one of those groups that are more for the guys, you honestly couldn’t even tell someone what their last few singles were called) but because it’s one important step closer to Shindong.
Sunny is just about to check her phone when you hear a loud “what’s up, bitch?” coming from the street.
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Boram is here.
“Hey, you fucking slut!” says Sunny. You’ve never heard the word “slut” said in such a friendly manner before. Boram and Sunny walk up to each other and give a quick greeting embrace. You notice that they’re both exactly the same height, it’s kind of amusing. Boram then looks over Sunny’s shoulder, at you. “This is the girl?”
Sunny doesn’t turn around, but has a big smile. “Yeah, that’s her. And guess who you’re going to be teeing her up with?”
Boram looks back at Sunny. “Who?”
Sunny tries not to laugh. “Shindong!” You feel a sense of dread. What if she laughs?
Boram looks at Sunny blankly, for about ten seconds, while Sunny continues to try not to laugh. Then Boram and Sunny both suddenly start laughing, uncontrollably. Oh great. You feel a tear well up in your eye. Fuck this getting picked on shit, this is like back at the dorm with the other girls.
Or so you thought. Boram notices that you’re starting to get upset, and comes over to you. “Hey… hey… don’t be sad. We’re just joking around. Hey cheer up. Look, you’re going to meet Shindong, okay? I’ll tee it up. I can tee up anything, I’m Boram.” Boram flashes you a big smile. She’s charmismatic, it’s impossible not to like her. You start to dry up.
Sunny interjects. “Do you have my smokes?”
“Yes, bitch. In the bag!” You notice Boram has a brown paper shopping bag with her. She hands it to Sunny, who opens it hastily, revealing two large cigarette cartons.
“Oh my god, you got Camel Crush! You can’t even get these in Korea! How?”
“Hyomin.”
“Fuck. She’s a miracle worker, how does she do it.” Sunny starts tearing open a carton, while Boram pinches her own cheek and moves it back and forth quickly against the side of her face, making a squishy, wet noise. Boram and Sunny both start giggling as Sunny lights up, then they both turn their attentions back to you.
Sunny speaks first after taking a drag. “So… how do you want to do this?”
“Well, I already spoke to Tiger, he hasn’t got anything on right now. So it can happen tonight…. um, as long as Shindong’s free… I guess. I mean, yeah, he probably is, but we’ll check.” Boram clears her throat and looks at you. “Is tonight cool?”
You resist the temptation to scream OH YES MOTHER OF GOD YES YES YES PRAISE JESUS. You nod quickly and say “yes” as quietly and politely as possible. You even manage a little bow. You could kiss her feet.
“Great. So listen up.” Boram stares directly at you with a very serious face. “Sunny will contact you later today, and if she gives you the all-clear, you’re gonna sneak out of the dorm tonight, then Tiger will pick you up and you’ll go for a drive to pick up Shindong. Then, if all goes well, Tiger will park the car somewhere secluded and leave you both in privacy to get to know each other a little better. Sunny will go with you at first as a passenger though so you’re comfortable, and it’ll make things less awkward if you don’t have to deal with Tiger directly. Don’t worry, Tiger is harmless… but he’s a bit of a weirdo. Not like us sensible people. So go do your thing, wait till you hear from Sunny. You got it?”
You nod. “Yes, thank you!”
Boram and Sunny both smile at you. You smile back. You couldn’t be happier. Well, actually, you could… Shindong could be whispering sweet nothings in your ear, but you’re confident that this will come.
That night you’re having a shower while the other girls practice their routines in the gym. You’ve gotten into the habit of long showers, it’s the only time you ever get some privacy. When you emerge, you go to your bed where your newly-washed gym clothes are waiting, and put them on. If there’s one thing you can’t complain about at SM, it’s the laundry staff, who are like clockwork. As you put on your trackpants, you feel something scratchy stuffed inside the pants leg. You take it out – it’s a small folded piece of paper:
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You smile to yourself, and hide the note in your trackpants pocket. You allow yourself to spazz internally for a while before joining the others in the gym.
At 3:29 AM, you head to the gym fire escape. You’re still in your gym gear, and the other girls are still practising. They’re used to you heading out to the fire escape by now so they all ignore you – they all assume you’ve taken up smoking because you always reek of Sunny’s second-hand smoke but in fact you haven’t touched a cigarette yourself since you entered SM as a trainee – you figure that Shindong wouldn’t approve. You open the door (thankfully it’s not locked) and Sunny is there waiting for you.
“Ready to go?” she says.
“Yes.”
“Got the note?”
You hold up the note. Sunny grabs it and puts it in her handbag. “Can’t be too careful. If the others found that, you’d be up shit creek. Follow me, quickly.” Sunny starts walking briskly to a black sedan that’s waiting, with its engine running. You follow her and both get in the back seat.
“Hey Tiger, we got the cargo. Let’s go!” Sunny yells at the driver.
“Buckle up!” replies Tiger, not looking back. You look around the vehicle. You notice that you’re in an unmarked taxi – there is a CB radio and a charging meter.
Sunny puts her seatbelt on and motions for you to do the same. “Do what he says. Before you get to meet anybody, we’ve got to lose anyone trailing us, and that usually requires some snappy driving.” You fasten your seatbelt, but not before Tiger lurches the car into an acceleration that makes you nearly lose your balance on the carseat. Sunny helps steady you as you adjust.
After a minute of driving, Sunny asks “so Tiger… how are we doing?”
“Look behind you. Do you see the blue car?”
Sunny looks behind her. You also turn to look but Sunny stops you, pushing your head down instead. She whispers at you harsly “keep down… if anyone sees you and notices you’re an SM trainee, it’s over!” Sunny then speaks louder, addressing Tiger over the engine noise. “Yeah, I see it. Sasaeng?”
“Paparazzi!”
“Shit! Did they see us get in?”
“I don’t think so. But we’re gonna have to change cars. It’ll be no problem.”
“Okay.”
Tiger starts talking into the car’s CB radio. You can’t quite make out what he’s saying as he’s talking quiet and the engine noise drowns him out. You can also hear the scratchy replies from the CB system but you can’t make out the exact words. Tiger continues to drive quickly.
“Is everything going to be okay?” you ask Sunny.
“Yeah, sure.” Sunny seems a bit more on-edge than her response suggests. “Here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to drive into a parking garage that we usually use to lose these fucks. In there, we’re going to change cars. We’ll get in another car, another driver will take this car, and the paps will follow the other car. They’ll eventually get wise and start hunting for us again so we can’t fuck around, we have to do this fast, so be ready to move as soon as we park. You got all that?”
“Yes.”
“Good. We do this all the time so don’t worry. It’s pretty routine SNSD procedure.”
A few minutes of fast and more than slightly scary driving go by, and then the car starts slowing down and pulling into an underground parking garage. When the car stops Sunny yells “Go!” and you, her and Tiger all get out, and rush to another waiting car, a black people-mover minivan with tinted windows.
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You all buckle up and the van moves off quickly through a different exit.
“Did we lose them?” asks Sunny.
Tiger waits a full minute before responding. “Yes. They have no idea. We lost them for sure. Now we go to the meetup.”
Sunny breathes a sigh of relief, and reaches for a cigarette. You suddenly become aware of a burning smell… but she hasn’t lit up yet.
“What’s that smell?” you ask.
Sunny sniffs the air, she seems to notice it too. “Yes Tiger, what is that fucking smell?”
Tiger chuckles. “Oh! Yes, this van used to belong to Son Ho Young from g.o.d – he tried to kill himself, by setting it on fire! It was a wreck after he burned it, so I bought it off him, real cheap price! Then had it refurbished, new upholstery, new covers, new everything! It’s quite safe. However, I still can’t get that fucking smell out! I don’t know where it is hiding!”
You start to feel creeped out. “When I meet Shindong… is it going to be in this vehicle?”
Tiger replies from the front seat. “Yes, but don’t worry! The smell goes away, soon you will be looking right into Shindong’s eyes – and you won’t even notice it!”
Yuck. The combined odour of charcoal and melted plastic seem to be getting stronger rather than weaker, now that you know what it is. Still, it’s a small price to pay.
What seems like at least an hour of driving goes by and you notice you are now on the semi-rural outskirts of Seoul. Sunny has been chain-smoking her new cigarettes the whole time, but the van’s smell is still stronger. You’re starting to get tired and impatient when the van leaves the bitumen road and starts moving along a bumpy dirt track. Another few minutes of driving and the van comes to a halt.
Tiger turns around to face you. “Shindong is not here yet, I think he got held up with his vehicle change, but he will be here soon! I will get out now.”
Sunny unbuckles her seatbelt and gets out of the car. “See you later. He’ll be here soon.”
“But wait… you’re not going to introduce me?”
“Come on. You don’t want me cramping your style now, do you?” Sunny winks at you. She has a point. You smile and wave from inside the van as she leaves with Tiger, both of them walking down the dirt track together, into the darkness.
You sit and wait. You become aware that you are involuntarily shaking. You’re not cold at all, or at least you don’t think you’re cold, so it must be nerves – and you know you sure are nervous about this! That car smell is still bothering you though, but you don’t want to get out because it’s dark and there’s no street lighting. You wait patiently, and you don’t have to wait too long. After a few minutes, you hear another car approaching, and you look out the window to see approaching headlights get bigger, and then come to a halt.
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Approaching footsteps. A male voice, recognisable instantly to you as Shindong (thanks to your extensive video “research” collection of all his variety and MC appearances) calls out.
“Hi, are you in there? Wind down the window so I can see your pretty face.”
Your heart skips a beat. You wind down the tinted window of the car and poke your head out. What happens next is a bit confusing. You find yourself suddenly looking not outside, but at the ceiling of the van. That’s odd, you could swear that your head was just outside before – how did that happen? You also become aware of a throbbing sensation in the side of your head growing stronger. Wow, it really hurts! You put your hand up to your face… it feels wet and sticky. Pulling your hand away, you notice that it’s covered in blood.
The door of the van opens. A figure stands before you, illuminated by the car headlamp. It’s…. Boram?
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It’s definitely Boram. She’s carrying a baseball bat. There’s another figure next to her, in the shadows, you guess that’s Shindong but you’re not really at the right angle to focus. You try to adjust your position but a stabbing pain shoots through your skull, stopping you.
“Hey there,” says Boram, flatly. No emotion of any kind from her voice. She raises the bat above your head. Everything goes black.
You regain consciousness and become aware of elements of your predicament in the following order: You’re alive. You’re sitting in a chair. The pain in your head is astounding. You can’t move your arms. Your arms are in fact tied behind your back. Your mouth is gagged. You’re in a dark room. Your legs are tied to the chair. Boram is standing in front of you. The dark room isn’t actually a room but is some kind of sewerage tunnel. Boram is playing with her smartphone, she swings her baseball bat idly in the other hand. Boram isn’t much taller than you when she stands than what you are when you’re sitting down, which would be amusing under any other circumstance apart from this one. Strange how you never noticed that before with Sunny.
Boram speaks to you, but doesn’t break eye contact with her smartphone. “I was going to just beat you to death with this bat, but… well, I got bored. Then Shindong thought of something much more appropriate for you.”
You’re horrified. This is Shindong’s idea? You wince in disbelief and hurt. Boram then looks at you, and continues.
“Don’t look so shocked. Don’t you think he gets sick of you pathetic stinking fangirls signing up to agencies just to get close to him? Why would he bother when he has me and Sunny? We’ve all been fucking each other for years, you know. Our little secret. Please don’t tell anyone… not that it’s likely in the next few minutes.” Boram smiles at you – she’s rubbing it in. You’re furious. You could kill her! Your eyes widen with rage, but this just seems to make Boram smile at you even more.
“So, you’re probably wondering what’s going to happen next. Well, as it happens, Jiyeon’s new song… have you heard her new song? I have, it’s so great! Anyway, it’s going to be released in…” Boram pauses to check her phone for the time, “…about five minutes. You might wonder what that has to do with your situation. You are wondering about that, aren’t you?” Boram pockets her phone, picks up the bat, and lines it up with the side of your head. You nod an affirmative response – no need to be in any more pain than necessary.
“Well, Jiyeon’s a hot sexy bitch, so when that video comes out, all the male Jiyeon fans who are eagerly sitting at their computers waiting for it to go live… and maybe some of the female ones too… they are all going to be getting very excited, of course.” Boram puts the bat down on the ground. Thank fuck for that. “A good proportion of them are probably going to masturbate, and that’s going to take them about one minute and one second. We timed it – that’s what the song’s about, don’t you know. Then a lot of those fappers will want to clean up, so they will need to use either the toilet, the bathroom basin or the shower straight afterward to dispose of all the spunk. Can you imagine every desperate and horny Jiyeon fapper in Seoul cleansing themselves of jizz all at exactly the same time, and what that does to a city’s sewerage system? Now, look up.”
Enduring considerable pain, you move your head to the required angle. You see that a large concrete sewer pipe extending down from the ceiling is dangling a few feet directly above your head. You are directly below the large opening, which is big enough to fit a person inside, and any sewerage coming from it has only one place to go – right on top of you.
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“Seeing as how being saturated in cum seems to be your main mission in life, Shindong thought that it would be appropriate if you were to experience all the spunk you were ever going to receive in your lifetime – that is, if you were actually going to live for any decent length of time – in one hit. Isn’t that right, Shindong?”
Shindong’s form comes into view. He looks at you, you can’t tell if he’s fascinated or horrified – maybe both – but it’s clear that he doesn’t like what he sees. You’re not sure how you feel, either. Boram walks over to him and gives him a kiss on the cheek, then on the lips, then with the tongue. You look down – this is impossible for you to watch. They talk softly:
“Come on baby, let’s get out of here.” says Shindong.
“No shit. This place will be a biological hazard zone in about 10 minutes.”
Boram and Shindong walk off, arm in arm. You struggle for a while to try and free yourself but there’s no point, you’re securely tied down and going nowhere. You think about how you’ve wasted your life, about how it came to this. Eventually you hear the distant rushing of fluid through pipes, gradually drawing closer, like a building storm, like a swarm of fangirls chasing their unfathomable dreams straight to hell.
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This post is dedicated to this anonymous asker.
Tagged:
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Most people were pretty good, which was nice to see. For those who asked, I’m great! A few of you wondered if I actually gave a fuck or was just being a dick or whatever. Actually I sincerely care about all my readers and that’s why I spend tons of my free time posting blogs for your entertainment. Yes, really. Moving on…
You filthy cao ni mas.
Most of you do not fap. Suuuure.
Everybody agreed that nobody gives a shit about Hwayoung. Of course this particular question had only one possible selection, but if it’s good enough for Tajikistan’s elections it’s good enough for Kpopalypse.
Opinion was sharply divided on whether f(x) were being neglected by SM, but everyone agrees that the fan reaction is fuckin’ hilarious.
Most people were fairly rational about their perceptions of translated Netizenbuzz articles and reactions.
The real answer was 33.3% but nobody gave a shit (apart from a few of you mathematical bright sparks who were upset that the correct answer wasn’t one of the options and typed it into one the other free-text questions instead).
With a selection like that it was a close race, but “bored brothel receptionists” eventually pulled into the lead, and I would agree that Orange Caramel would roleplay this scenario very well. Nobody wanted to see Crayon Pop deal shitty cut-price heroin substitutes though, I guess you all decided that they were already gangster enough.
Sense of humour was the big one, which gives me confidence that my haters who complain about it just have a bug up their ass because they can’t think up any good jokes. Oddly, many of you also actually cared about my opinions.
I find that this kind of age split is fairly reflective of the age demographics of k-pop overall, so it shows me that I have a typically broad age range of readers.
