It’s been two years since the birth of Kpopalypse blog!  Time to celebrate with all you lovely readers and bring you a post with statistics, search terms and cake!  Yay!

Blogsites collect a shitload of data about the people who visit, why they visit, where they go and what they do.  This collected data is called “metrics” and it’s used a whole lot by many online content providers to refine their content, and it’s even bought and sold between companies because it contains valuable demographic marketing information (and yes those companies can do that – you gave them permission to in all those EULAs you never read).  However Kpopalypse is different, because I’m going to give you all my data for the year, right now, for free!  Read on as Kpopalypse spills his demographic secrets (tl;dr – you like tits) and answers relevant questions!

Firstly, people are always asking me about this shit, so here’s the countries that visited Kpopalypse blog most often in 2014, and roughly how often (take all numbers in this post with a grain of salt, they’re not exact).  All these countries are in my “I love you guys” list with more than 1000 clicks each:

Country	Views
United States	140,872
Singapore	44,973
Malaysia	27,916
Canada	27,045
Australia	26,728
Indonesia	21,678
Philippines	21,606
United Kingdom	19,366
Brazil	8,135
Germany	6,877
France	5,941
Thailand	5,414
Sweden	5,102
South Korea	4,133
Mexico	3,960
Viet Nam	3,918
Hong Kong	3,779
New Zealand	3,488
Netherlands	2,991
Italy	2,772
Spain	2,686
Poland	2,268
Romania	2,233
Finland	2,229
Japan	1,972
Denmark	1,599
India	1,579
Russia	1,489
Saudi Arabia	1,367
Taiwan	1,341
Greece	1,310
Brunei	1,248
Argentina	1,240
Portugal	1,214
Norway	1,152
Ireland	1,116
Turkey	1,103
Colombia	1,049

The countries with the lowest visits were a handful of central African countries and North Korea, all of whom didn’t visit at all, probably due to having no Internet.  Everywhere else in the world was crazy/stupid enough to click my shit at least once before they realised that it wasn’t actually a porn site after all.

Here’s the top ten individual articles visited:

Definitely a strong theme of “fap” is emerging as the main drawcard here.  Obviously articles which were published earlier in the year have more chance of getting on this list than more recent articles (like the very popular part 2 of the boobs post) just due to having more time to accumulate traffic, so don’t take these stats (or my blogging as a whole) too seriously, because I sure don’t.

What were the most popular things for people to click on to explore once they’re on the Kpopalypse site?

	Clicks
youtube.com	23,735
WordPress.com Media	14,898
antikpopfangirl.blogspot.com.au	5,708
asianjunkie.com	3,886
en.wikipedia.org	2,829
kpopstarz.com	1,586
ask.fm	1,580
soompi.com	1,499
Twitter	1,225
omonatheydidnt.livejournal.com	1,159
popdust.com	1,106

The most popular Youtube videos you guys clicked were Eat Your Kimchi’s review of f(x)’s Electric Shock because Martina’s boobs looked nice, and a review of the Bombshell bra which allows girls to go up two cup sizes.  It seems you folks all know what you want, and it’s boobs.

The other links in the list are self-explanatory, perhaps except for “WordPress.com media” which refers to pictures embedded in or linked from my blog posts, that I’m actually hosting myself.  The grand winner here was a link called jiyeoncam.jpg that apparently none of you could resist – should I be concerned about this?  Click the link, you decide… what am I saying, you’ve already clicked it, you know what it is, I’ve got the numbers to prove it.  Runner-up was this picture of JAV star Julia who you presumably clicked for a good fap or perhaps a right-click to save to your hard drive and then a good fap.

The most common source of traffic to Kpopalypse blog in 2014, just as with every other website on the Internet ever, was Google.  But what did you guys type into Google to find it?

Yes that’s right, searches for “korean pornstar” outweighed searches for the site itself, especially once you also include the alternative spellings in the tally.  Interest in Korean pornstars is seemingly at a high, Korea take note!  Maybe it’s time for the Korean government to stop trying to create a Hallyu wave and start up a tidal wave of online jizz to wash ashore on other countries’ Internet providers instead.

Now I’m going to answer some of the important queries that people typed into Google search during the year, that wound them up at my blogsite:

orange caramel breast size

My professional boobs pervert opinion: Raina – B, Lizzy – B, Nana – A

qri ass gif

You’re welcome.

kpop strawberry milk bigger breast

It seemed people noticed that the Crayon Pop’s boobs “got prettier”.

I think it’s just lots of padding.  You can fit anything under clothes like that.  Knowing how those girls roll I reckon they’ve probably got switchblades stashed in there.

did kris from exo have laser removal on a tattoo

I couldn’t give a shit personally but here’s one theory, make of it what you will.  Prepare tinfoil headwear.

kpop idol groups that are the worst live

I’m tipping now-forgotten nugus Chocolate as the worst one I’ve seen in a while.

what are the differences between kpop and the beatles

People actually listen to k-pop.

show the pictures of a matured girl whose bigboobs popped out of her dress

no u

ways to curb drug abuse in the music industry

which kpop stars are virgins

And only them.  And even that’s a maybe.

busty m*** strips and demands i wank

Are people really that offended by certain words these days that they actually censor their own Google searches?  How the fuck are you ever going to find what you’re looking for that way?  No wonder you stumbled across my site instead of whatever porn you were looking for, guess it sucks to be you, dumbass.

kpop idols having sex with fan

I’ve heard that it happens.

jerking off

Finally, someone who has come to the right place!

I’d also like to say thank you to the sites that I write for, Anti Kpop-Fangirl and Asian Junkie, who have both been great and continue to be great about hosting my writing.  Also thanks to all those who follow the Twitter and ask.fm, support the radio show, anyone who ever posted my articles anywhere, or even anybody who just reads my articles and has found them useful in some way.

Finally, thanks for visiting and supporting Kpopalypse during 2014!  My writing has become popular far beyond what I ever expected, and also far more hated than I ever expected – both of which I think are great outcomes!  Also, if you like Kpopalypse, why not send a postcard?  You can send postcards to here:

Kpopalypse, 3D Radio, PO BOX 937 Stepney SA 5069 Australia

Send anything you want but be aware that I don’t open the mail and all correspondence gets checked so don’t send anything that you wouldn’t feel comfortable about a receptionist in an office reading.  If I get enough quality postcards, I’ll do a blog where I scan and show you them all!  By sending a postcard you consent to this process so please don’t send anything you don’t want the world seeing!  Kpopalypse will be back in 2015 with more posts… plus there will be a few more posts to wrap up 2014!  Continue to enjoy k-pop, k-pop blogging and new year festivities!  Don’t forget to eat cake!

Yes folks, it’s time for another episode of your favourite non-favourite k-pop interview series!  Get ready for another:

This time Kpopalypse Interview is going to be interviewing “American k-pop star” Chad Future!

Like many other k-pop performers, I reached out to Chad Future via the Internet in September of 2014, eager to secure an interview for all you lovely readers, and like many other k-pop performers, he didn’t get back to me, tsk tsk.  I figured Chad got scared off when he saw some of my other writing, no doubt like many others – or maybe he just is busy working or reflecting on his various k-pop activities.  “Not much that I can do about that”, I thought to myself, my yearning dreams of a Chad Future interview on this site seemingly thwarted.

However, I didn’t count on the determination levels of some of the folks who filled out the recent Kpopalypse survey.  One of you sneaky cao ni mas under the cloak of anonymity mentioned that you knew someone who had interviewed Chad Future:

About 1.5 years ago before he started making all of those shit English covers, my roommate and I decided to interview him over the phone. My roommate bullshitted his way into contacting his label and setting up an interview under the guise that it was for a university paper and publicizing his name within the college landscape. In truth, we only wanted to talk to him and know what the hell he was doing. There was never going to be an article about him.

“Gosh, that’s a little unfair on poor old Chad… wouldn’t it be nice if Chad Future got to have that article written about him after all?” I thought.  So I asked for the recording, which was dutifully provided by the sneaky anons of secret secretness (even I don’t know the true identity of the interviewer) and the audio file was delivered – 30 minutes and 27 seconds of Chad Future goodness!  I am very grateful for this, so thank you kindly, secret cao ni ma interview team!

Some things:

• The secret cao ni ma source dates this interview to the second half of 2013.  The collaborations with various k-pop artists that Chad Future refers to but couldn’t directly discuss at the time have since been quite plentiful and can all be found on his YouTube channel which I feel that you should all make it a life priority to explore in detail.
• The anons have asked me not to share the actual audio recording – so I won’t.  This means that of course I can’t conclusively prove to you that this interview is Chad Future, but it sounds just like him and the things he says certainly ring true of Chad’s career and correlate perfectly with other research I’ve done so I’m 100% satisfied that this interview is legit.
• Although the anons were happy for me to take the credit if I wanted, the truth is that I didn’t ask these questions and have nothing to do with this interview directly.  Although some of the questions are certainly good, I probably would have picked very different questions to these.  Chad, if you’re reading, glad I finally got your attention – get in touch and we can do a follow-up interview if you’d like, now THAT would be cool.
• Chad Future answers interview questions nearly as fast as he raps, as you’re about to find out because this is a pretty long read for a 30 minute interview.  The audio quality is a bit sketchy so I had to drop a few words and make some small edits for clarity here and there, but I’ve tried to keep the result as true to his speech style as possible (although I did remove about 200 instances of the world ‘like’, not sure if this is like an American thing, or like, a Chad Future thing).  What follows is about 98% verbatim what was said.

Final note before we begin: the recording I received unfortunately starts partway through the actual interview (classic interviewer mistake – forgetting to start the recording!) so we don’t get the first few moments.  You can assume that the first questions asked relate to how Chad Future decided that he wanted to do music, and also what role his production company Vendetta Studios has played in his career.  Here we go.

[recording starts here] …music videos, all that stuff, and I had a lot of success really really high, for the MySpace movie that I made…

Yeah, you were on 20/20?

It was the most downloaded movie of all time that year, and that kinda got me to LA and people calling me to my small town back in Michigan, and then flying back and forth from Michigan to LA, after that I ended up signing with Fox and got my own TV show, went and moved to LA 4 years ago, and then signed with MTV and got my own TV show, and then started doing hosting of the American Music Awards (AMA) and then through there that was where I met tons of music artists and all these music-related things.  I’ve always been into music my whole life, but I became super passionate about it, I saw the life you could say, something I was really passionate about.  I kind of started off doing comedy movies, but when I saw all these music artists doing their thing at the AMA, I was like “man, this is what I want to do, I want to go worldwide with this” so anyway … I got into k-pop videos 3 years ago, I knew about k-pop for 10 years so in a weird way all of my interests converged, my experience being a music video director and my history of doing music and movies and handling the business of it, and being involved with music in LA, all this kind of converged with my love of k-pop to create this idea I had, and I made a boy band called Heart2Heart…

With Lance Bass, right?

Yeah well Lance, he actually had nothing to do with it, other than just having a cameo in the video.  He was my co-host at the AMAs.

Okay, so he really wasn’t involved beyond his opening line then?

Right. I just called him because we were buddies and said “yo Lance, can you do a cameo in my video?” and he was like “yeah sure”.  We actually filmed it in his house, we put up lights in his house and filmed it there, and when the video came out everybody was like “oh my god this is Lance’s new group!” and I’m thinking “what are they talking about, what is this, he didn’t do anything”.  That was a weird situation too because Lance was a friend of mine and I thought he was gonna get pissed because everyone was reporting that it was his group and it wasn’t true, but he was actually cool about it, he didn’t really care. So then that video got three million views in two weeks.  I was like “well, this is cool, but I don’t know if this is gonna work for the plan that I have” because a lot of the guys in the group were not necessarily trained for years and years, and there was something where a couple of things were against us … and then the group from the 70s called Heart sued us for the name, they were like “you can’t call your group Heart2Heart!” so all these things started piling up and I was like “you know what, let’s just cut this group thing” so that was 18 months ago and I had all this music laying around and my friend was like “you should go solo” and I was like “What? Go solo?” It didn’t even seem fathomable to me, I didn’t even fathom going solo, but I talked to some friends about it and they were like “yeah, that’s what we thought you were gonna do”.  So long story short I sat down with a lot of my Korean friends and we started talking about k-pop and American pop and how we can bring it together, how we could combine it, if there was a first non-Asian k-pop star, what that would feel like, what would that look like, so we kind of had to make the roadmap for it, so that’s basically how Chad Future was born.  How this relates to Vendetta Studios to answer your question, is that Vendetta Studios is the production company that I’ve owned for ten years, and I wouldn’t say necessarily that Vendetta Studios run the same but more like I own Vendetta Studios and when I do projects for other people it’s under the name Vendetta Studios and I also am a recording artist.  I guess that’s how those two things are in line with each other.

I was interested to know about Vendetta because… have you seen the Tumblr for Chad Future, the unofficial fansite?

No, I haven’t even seen it yet.

You’ve got a whole following there, but on it, as commenters do, somebody got pretty negative and said that Vendetta Studios was your way of creating a bunch of different projects and hoping that one would take off, and then you know, it just takes one to be big.  Is that what Vendetta Studios is, or are the projects truly separate in that sense?

No, that’s completely wrong. Vendetta Studios is my company that I’ve had for ten years. I don’t need to prove anything to anybody.  I work with artists and brands all the time. I guess in a weird way Vendetta Studios is like my day job, but also it’s something that I’ve created that can be with me forever, because I’m not stupid to think that you could be a recording pop star until you’re 90 years old.  Even Cher is on the last of her legs, I don’t want to be a pop star until I’m 90, but I do want to have my own production company and create videos and stuff for other people until I’m 90.  So that’s completely wrong to think that I’m just doing it to see if something works, that’s just stupid, I’m just passionate about all these things and I’m lucky I can make a living at it.  Six months ago I did everything for American Idol and Coca Cola, and I directed a Jason Derulo video, that was incredible, it was a $5m campaign.  So, I don’t need to prove anything in the video world, I’m not waiting for something to take off, I take calls every single day to make videos for other people, so that’s basically where all the money comes from, and then I use the money to fund my own stuff.

So what is your relationship like with Big City Boys and Alyson Stoner, are you their manager, or their producer?

With Big City Boys and Alyson Stoner and other people I’m the director of their music video. For example Alyson’s a friend of mine so Alyson will come over and say “I want to make a music video for this song” and I’m like “alright, cool” and then I’ll make the music video, and then she handles whatever else, and then the Big City Boys, that’s my friend Drew and his other friend TC, they come and say “we’ve got a song”… it’s a director, it’s just like how Tyke Williams or Little X will direct a music video for Justin Bieber, same thing.  Artists come to me, I’ll direct their music video.

I want to hear about Chad Future but also about your journey. I know you’ve had the success with the MySpace movie, and then you’ve had all this success in between, and now you’re at Chad Future. So what was that like, how did that all play out, and when did you realise that there was some momentum?

That’s an interesting question.  It wasn’t like a normal road, it wasn’t expected.  I had to kind of make my own way with this whole thing so far, so just to briefly take you through it – the MySpace movie, it kind of got me solidified in LA, and then I got agents and managers and I met really good people.  Then I did part of that movie and then I did a pilot for MTV and then I did a show for FremantleMedia who produce American Idol, and I just got to meet all these great people, and then through one of my agents they started getting me hosting work as well, as I started hosting the AMA pre-show with Lance Bass who is a great artist, and then at the same time I was already directing music videos too, so when I met artists at the AMAs I would do their music videos as well.  I did Agnes Monica, one of the biggest stars in Indonesia, I did her music video, and I met her through the AMAs.  I was really passionate about what was happening in the AMAs, I was like “this is what I want to do, this is amazing”, so I signed with MTV for a show which is now cancelled.  I didn’t really feel like I was really being respected doing comedy movies anymore.

How so?

Not to say anything bad about MTV either, because they’ve been very supportive of my career for many many years, from the very beginning.  It was something more like I was known for a long time for doing spoofs and short films, kind of like The Lonely Island does, more like comedy stuff.  I felt like I wasn’t being respected anymore with it because the budgets that people were offering for me to produce a “comedy” skit were super-low, and I was like “wait, why am I doing this?”.  I had already found out I was going to own a Lamborghini by now, you always reach that goal and big things you want to do every year of your life.  I got to the point where I was very grateful to have the success that I had with comedy and short films, but I didn’t feel like I wanted to take it any further because in a weird way I felt like people didn’t really respect a lot of the comedy stuff as much as another type of project.  That’s kind of hard to say because I know some people are very successful with how they do it, so it can be done, it’s just that I was kinda feeling personally like I wasn’t having fun doing it anymore and I wasn’t being compensated for all the work I put into it, I work all day at this stuff.  I just came to a crossroad in my life, where my passion for comedy started going down and I wasn’t really being respected even by a big company like MTV, and I was like “wait, why are they not paying any money for this?”

The story was always “oh we don’t have a very big budget” and I’m like “wait you’re MTV, how much is a big budget?”.  It kinda got to the point where I was like “I don’t want to do comedy movies anymore”.  I focused on music videos and music and then I put together this boy band, and the boy band got a lot of views, and then I was like improving upon this.  Everything was self-funded too, the boy band was self-funded…

Let’s hear about the boys.  Tell me about how you found them and how that all came to be.

Heart2Heart was a 18 month long process and definitely I’ll be the first to say that putting together a boy band is not easy!  I think some people were a little bit too hard on me in the situation, because they didn’t know that I was just doing it myself – I didn’t have a company helping me, I didn’t have anybody funding it, I paid for everything.  I had to buy five pairs of shoes, we had to do dance rehearsals and we had to make the music and we had to do casting calls, so to find the guys in the group it was a combination of friends of mine, auditions, people who knew people, and we would try people out and audition them and if it clicked it clicked, and then it finally got to the point where I thought we had a good group of five guys and we just went for it.  I’m not really afraid of failure, so I knew that we just had to try it, we just had to do it.

When I did some research on Heart2Heart and looked it up and saw the video, and it was great, but there were people who were saying it was a parody of boy bands.  So you’re saying it’s not, it was real, and it was your first boy band really, and it just didn’t work out as planned.

Exactly.  I think the reason that blew out of the water so much is because of my history of doing comedies and parodies and stuff.  I like to have fun, I’m not a super “serious serious guy”, I laugh all the time, I’m always having a good time, I’m always having fun, I always want to entertain people.  It’s almost kind of like Gangnam Style in a way, because if you watch Gangnam Style, would you say that’s parody or it’s just fun, or how would you describe that… and so in a way that’s kind of how I see the Heart2Heart project.  I wasn’t necessarily “serious”, because one of the lyrics were “I want to do this in the realest way I know” – I don’t honestly think that’s “the realest way” but I know if that was said in the song people might think that’s kinda fun, or it might give them a laugh or it might entertain them.  I didn’t really take it too seriously and I think some people saw it and think I was trying to be serious and I think it was kind of misinterpreted.  I think you need to watch Facebook Official Heart2Heart with the mindset of “I want to have fun watching this”, just go with the flow and watch it and just have fun.

Absolutely. So going onto Chad Future – so when did this arise and how did this come about, and also I want to talk about the music video yesterday. Tell me about how all this came to be.

I discovered k-pop ten years ago with a group called H.O.T.  I was in high school when I saw that, and I was like “these guys look so cool”, I loved their wardrobe and their hair and I had my friend at the time burning me a CD which had some H.O.T songs on there.  I don’t even remember what the songs were, one of them was called “We Are The Future” or something.  Then a lot of years went by, I’d say seven years went by and I didn’t really think much about k-pop.  Then three years ago, I was just searching online, and I watch about three hours of music videos per day because I love music videos so much.  I stumbled across this YouTube k-pop music video and it had all these crazy lights and costumes and colours, and I literally watched this again and was like “so… this is what I wanna do”, I got so inspired by it.  So then I started researching more k-pop videos, and every single k-pop video that I watched, it was like “this is what I wanna do”.  I finally felt like I found my soulmate, in entertainment.  That was what I wanted to do. I went to my parents’ house for Christmas that year, and they had a k-pop TV channel on Comcast, so I sat my parents down and I showed them all the kpop videos and my parents were like “this is so cool” and I was like “yeah, isn’t it?”.  I basically studied it and then we did the Heart2Heart project and then I cut that but I learned a lot from Heart2Heart, and I have a lot of Korean friends and living in LA we have a big Korean community here in Koreatown, so a lot of my friends are Korean.  We got together at a cafe and we had a big piece of paper and we wrote down what it would mean if a k-pop star were to be non-Asian, or how you combine American pop and Korean pop.  We started to have an open conversation about it, because it’s never been done before, so there wasn’t a model that we could follow.  So we just got out our piece of paper and wrote out: “How much Korean would be in the song?  How much English would be in the song?  What kind of collaborations should we do?  What would the video look like?  What would the styling be like?”  We thought about every element of what a non-Asian American k-pop star would be.  This was back last year about this time.  We mashed up this idea and then I started working with some producers to create the sound.  So to create the sound I worked with American producers and made them listen to k-pop for three weeks just so they got the k-pop sound ingrained in them.

Was this through Vendetta Studios? Were they associated or were they friends?

Just friends of mine.  For example the producer who made my first single “Hello”, he was a mutual friend of a guy that I directed a music video for.  We got to work together a little bit heart to heart, and he actually lives in the Virgin Islands.  What people might not realise that I thought was very interesting was that most of the k-pop you hear is actually written by American people and by American producers and writers.  What they do is they buy the song from the American producers and translate them to Korean and then make their song, so really in essence a lot of k-pop you hear is actually American pop music, they just kind of translate it.  That’s why I think it’s so funny sometimes when people give me shit and they’re like “oh, your music’s not k-pop” and I’m like “well actually, I’m working with the same people who wrote the same k-pop songs that you’re listening to”.  So really it’s the same thing.

Do you think that Chad Future is a new style of American k-pop or are you an American doing k-pop in the original style?  Are you trying to create a new genre or are you trying to exist as an American in the old genre?

I think what we kind of came to the conclusion of, at least in this moment – and things will change as we continue on – but what we came to the conclusion of is that we’re creating “a-k-pop”, American kpop, i.e “what would the American k-pop sound like”.  So what happened was that we created this idea and we had the first single, and then my friend Jeremy Thurber who is a Top 40 songwriter and producer and singer, he’s really successful in his own right, and we just went for it. There was no road map for creating Chad Future or American k-pop stars so we just kinda went for it, and we did the best we all could, and I paid for the video myself, and we shot over three days.

Internet rumour, can you confirm for me, true or false: the “Hello” video cost $100,000? Is that true, because that’s been all over the Internet now, that the video cost $100,000.

Yeah. The thing that I think people never realise is that since my job is a music video director, I can sometimes get things done differently than if someone else were to try and do it. For example, I own my own Red camera, but a Red camera might cost somebody $1000 to rent for a day or something. The video is worth about $100,000 but the amount that I pay would be a little different to what someone else would have to pay but yeah, if someone else were to put that video together it would be $100,000.

Wow. So you and Jeremy knew each other, you basically said “can you come in and do this project and do this and sing the chorus”. I’ve seen the video quite a few times, and I’ve been listening to it on Spotify. There are a lot of spikes in the video, a lot of spiked jackets and spiked gloves, how many spikes were in that video?

Probably over 300, because I remember we had to buy a lot of spikes and then they had stylists put them all over the stuff!

So anyway we did “Hello” and then that video got a pretty good amount of attention, and then people in Korea started seeing it and they were writing about it in Korea, and then Billboard Korea wrote about it, and we started getting a lot of press and publicity for it, so for my first video it was a pretty good thing and then we got invited to play at K-Con which was the first Korean music festival in LA and I was the only non-Asian to be invited to perform for that entire festival’s history.  I felt very grateful for that because to come out only like a month ago as an artist and then be invited to perform at a k-pop festival, it’s a pretty cool thing.  Some artists work for years before they have any kind of success like that, and we had a great time, our stage at K-Con was huge, we had 13 dancers, and I feel like we made a lot of new fans that day.

That was really a grateful moment for me, to do that.  Then we released the second single called “Unstoppable” which was produced by Sammy Naja who’s a very well-known k-pop producer, and written by my friend [sorry couldn’t catch this name] who is one of the most successful k-pop writers out there, he’s got like 60 songs he releases in Korea a year, it’s insane.

We released that video, and then something else happened that I can’t even talk about yet, but I kind of put it out there to the universe that I want to do collaborations with k-pop artists, and…

I saw there was a lot of talk about – and you’ll have to forgive me I’m not very well-versed in k-pop – but I saw the name “Amber”, is that right?

People are talking about who it might be right now, that’s basically what’s happening, but the thing is that a k-pop collaboration showed itself to me after K-Con, and I recorded this song with a k-pop artist and people started speculating who it might be and we shot the video for it and somehow…

This was yesterday, the video?

We shot yesterday with another video too, and I’ll get to that in a second… but we’ll release this k-pop collaboration later in the summertime.  When the year rolled around I set a plan for 2013 for Chad Future because in 2012 we kind of established what the base was for the project and now people are kind of aware of what the project is, so this year I set up a plan to take Chad Future to where I want to take it.  We’re going to be releasing a new video every week on Chad Future on YouTube.com called Future Fridays – its going to be a remix, a k-pop cover song, an original song, a Q&A video, whatever, some kind of content every week to build my grass-roots audience more.  Then we’re actually doing Chad Future TV which is going to be a TV show, a documentary follow-me-along series that basically shows the life of the first American k-pop star kind of thing, and you’ll also get to see the people in the family, the people who are working with me, it’s going to be an inspirational, hopefully cool story to watch.  A lot of things I’m doing right now I feel are very unique and I feel nobody else is really doing it, so I feel it’s something that I think is going to be interesting for the audience, and I hope to show more to the audience with the TV show as well.  That TV show is going to roll into the release of a lot bigger song toward the end of the summertime.  The video I shot yesterday was for Future Fridays, we’re doing k-pop covers, we just released the G-Dragon Crayon cover last Friday, we did another one yesterday, we took over a school, it was really really fun to shoot, so that’ll be out in a couple weeks.

Thank you very much for talking to me, I’d love to get back in touch later on when things are continuing to go well for you.

Thank you so much for everything, I appreciate it!

Thanks for reading this edition of Kpopalypse Interview.  Are you, or do you know someone in the k-pop scene who’d like to do an interview?  If so, get in touch… or maybe my sneaky anonymous cao ni ma interview squad will find YOU first!

Yes Kpopalypse is back with your yearly Christmas present – reviews of all the shitty Christmas songs that everybody hates!  I posted a Christmas song round-up last year and quite sensibly nobody gave a shit, so like I always do when I sense that people would rather I didn’t do something, I return to do it again on a regular basis!   Grab a nice cup of your favourite Christmas beverage and gather around while I take a Christmas-pudding-sized shit on all of 2014’s worthless money-draining sentimental dick-sucking Christmas trash!

Songs are listed in chronological order.  No need for ratings because they all suck and you shouldn’t listen to any of them.  Play the videos at your own risk.  This list is probably not complete but who gives a shit.  If I missed out any videos, good.  Anyway here we go:

October 19th – Seo Taiji – Christmalo.win

Seo Taiji thought he’d get a head start on everybody with the Christmas bullshit, I guess he needed some early Christmas cheer after writing all those artsy songs with IU about massacres.  The real human rights atrocity here though is that he’s older than me and he still looks like Lee Hi’s computer nerd friend who she hangs out at the net cafe with, which means he’s either been having skin grafts or he stole some of Boram’s eternal Gangnam youth face cream (see “White Letter”, below).  Anyway I guess he really is spending too much time on the Internet while finger-fucking Lee Hi under the computer desk if he thought that making the song title read like a Windows filename was a good idea.  That’s the most notable thing about this limp synthesiser-driven ska-lite nonsense, but even so this song is still better than pretty much everything else on this list.  Be warned: it mostly just gets worse from here.

December 2nd – Sung Si Kyung, Kwon Jin Ah – Don’t Forget

In this video the girl tries to decorate a Christmas tree, but the star doesn’t quite sit right so it falls down, and then she starts crying.  Aww.  Come on girl, cheer up, it’s only a fucking paper and plastic star made of wood pulp and petrochemical byproducts that some Chinese labourer got paid 2 cents per day to make thousands of in 12-hour shifts seven days a week in some stinky factory, it’s not like you can’t go down to the convenience store and just get yourself another one you dumb bitch.  It’s the k-pop fans who have these crappy ballads foisted upon them during the Christmas period instead of actual proper songs who should really be doing the crying.  Kwon Jin Ah (the female singer, not the actress) is really cute though, and I didn’t know about her before this video, so at least this crappy song enhanced my fap folder slightly.

December 2nd – Crayon Pop, K-Much, Bob Girls & Zan Zan (Chrome Entertainment) – Love Christmas

It’s nearly Christmas time and gangster bitches want to party too, so the most thugged-out label in k-pop got all their groups together for this Christmas pool video.  Why have a pool party when it’s winter, though?  The reason eventually becomes clear – it’s some sort of protection money collection racket, obviously being organised by head gangster Way and the guy in the ski mask at 0:15.  At the end of the video, there’s some bonus footage where the Chrome Entertainment members who haven’t been able to afford their redistribution fees to Way’s Girls get thrown in the icy cold water and humiliated until they succumb to hypothermia, as if being in this song isn’t shameful enough.  Let’s hope they threw the songwriters in there too.

December 3rd – K.will, Sistar, Jungigo, Mad Clown, Boyfriend, Jooyoung (Starship Planet) – Love Is You

Seeing the gangster party going on at Chrome, Starship Entertaiment couldn’t believe it – “they’re that cruel even to their own members?  Imagine what they’re capable of to other companies – these people are a threat!” they thought.  So Starship responded with their own Christmas video, clearly intent on sending the message “don’t step on our turf”.  The intimidating video features members playing with covert surveillance devices, vicious guard dogs and even gaudily-painted human skulls, and is paired with the ultimate terror – a song so hideous that playing it over a public address system would be enough of a threat to make any rival gang invading the Starship compound reconsider their assault and put down their weapons.

December 9th – Winterplay – White Winter

The Christmas songs got off to a slower start this year, and for a few blissful weeks I was thinking that maybe I didn’t have enough material to justify doing this list at all.  Unfortunately I was wrong and by December 9th were were in full swing, so now you have to read this bullshit.  Who the fuck are Winterplay?  I don’t even know, but they’re having a dinner party and nobody cares, nor does anyone care for this crap bossanova which sounds like IU tried to record “Obliviate” over at Bumkey’s house after taking her own body weight in marijuana and ecstasy.

December 10th – Kanto ft. As One – Before The Snow

This video has one of those pick-up-the-toy-with-the-wobbly-hook machines.  Back when the price of playing those machines was actually cheaper than simply going out and buying the fucking plush toys inside one at a clearance store, I used to play them quite a bit.  I amassed a collection of plush toys that I’d put inside the bass drum of the drum kit I’d use in the punk band I was in at the time.  The front skin of the drum kit was clear so everyone in the audience could see the toys.  I got called a faggot by a lot of people because of that which was great because it means they never suspected that I was messing around with their girlfriends backstage.  This video brought back good memories.  Pity the song sucks and is such typical trash that I can’t even think of anything to write about it so I have to go off on a massive irrelevant tangent like this.

December 10th – Teen Top – Snow Kiss

A “snow kiss” also known as a “snowball” or “snowblowing” is when you cum in your partner’s mouth during oral sex and then you kiss her afterward and while you’re kissing her, she spits your own cum back into your throat.  Sometimes girls do it for revenge if you cum in their mouth without warning, but then sometimes people do it as a mutually enjoyable activity too, or sometimes just for lulz (as I found out once with an ex-girlfriend who had a sufficiently warped sense of humour).  I wonder if this subtle reference has been deliberately inserted into this song to throw Teen Top’s gay male followers some fanservice.  Either way my cum didn’t taste all that bad and I’d rather be snowblowed a dozen times than listen to this song again.

December 14th – KARA, Rainbow, Oh Jong Hyuk, A-Jax, DSP Girls (DSP Friends) – White Letter

“White letter” isn’t a sexual innuendo though, but I think that it should be.  Perhaps a “white letter” can mean a heartfelt letter of apology that you write an ex-girlfriend because you blew in her face too much back when you had a relationship, in the hope that she’ll forgive you and you might get back together one day.  If only you had aimed further south a little she might have hung onto you for a bit longer, after all boobs are a lot easier for her to clean off (especially if a towel is thoughtfully provided) and there’s none of that stinging when it accidentally gets in her eye.  Mind you semen in the face is apparently great for the complexion so ladies, consider the benefits.  Anyway, someone please add “White Letter” to Urban Dictionary, the world needs to know.  Oh, and this song sucks.

December 15th – The VIBE Family – Lonely Christmas

“The VIBE Family”?  Really?  Can we quit with the potential for innuendos already?  Come on guys, you’re making this way too easy for me.  I wonder what vibrators are in the Vibe Family.  Do they have G-spot-tickling rabbit ears that you can detach and replace with reindeer antlers instead to fit in with the Christmas theme?  Something for you to think about this Christmas.  In the meantime this song is such crap that the label knew it would make no money and couldn’t even be bothered getting their artists in to film them, they just drew a few stupid pictures instead.  At least I didn’t have to endure any k-pop people dressed in stupid red jumpers and swaying awkwardly, I should probably be grateful.

December 16th – Choeyoungtae – Merry Christmas

Christmas is for everybody, even nugus with acoustic instruments.  This is probably one of the better songs here actually just due to the lack of cheesiness, which isn’t saying much but maybe it’s worth a listen – maybe.  The phrase “Merry Christmas” is really the only Christmas-ish thing about it, they’re not trying to rape you up the ass with tinsel and bells and shit like in every other video here, and maybe he’s got Christmas decorations on his guitar but the camera is not really at the right angle for me to see them so it’s okay.  Don’t get too excited though (the performers here sure aren’t) but the fact that this song is just kinda boring and not completely pathetic nonsense has got to be a Christmas miracle.

December 17th – Hansalchai, Hoso, Red Chair – Christmas Hug

Nugus like to wait a little before they release Christmas songs for some reason.  I’m not sure why this is the case but it’s definitely a trend that I have observed.  Maybe it’s like how if you’re really poor you tend to put off buying your presents until the last possible minute to scoop some good deals, maybe video directors do better deals on Christmas music video rates if you make them closer to Christmas time because it means that they get to recycle their existing props over and over.  Perhaps this is a question that I’ll put to Chad Future if he ever agrees to that second interview.  I like this song about as much as Chad Future’s songs, by the way.  When he says that k-pop and American pop is all the same he’s certainly not kidding, this song sucks just as much as any American Christmas pop song out there.

December 18th – Nalseon Melody – Winter Love

What girl sleeps with their top and their bra already on?  This never happens ever, bras are uncomfortable and the first thing girls do when they get home and they’re not in polite company is they swiftly remove that shit.  They certainly don’t go to sleep with their underwire jabbing into their sides, fuck that – only if they’re so fucking drunk that they passed out straight away, in which case they wouldn’t be in bed with the covers over them neatly.  I can see those bra straps through the clothing, I guess Santa’s perky boob elves visited her in the night and somehow got that bra on there.  It must have taken a lot of determination… more than I’ve got to listen to this song all the way through, that’s for sure.

December 18th – Roy Kim – It’s Christmas Day

Hahahahaha Roy Kim you are fucking shit.  Roy Kim’s overdone facial expressions while singing this, like he’s “really feeling the Christmas spirit” are painful to watch.  It’s just a day to waste money propping up the economy and polluting the planet by overconsuming on pointless shit, there’s no need to get so emotionally overwrought about it all.  Or maybe he’s not actually making an overdone facial expression but his face is stuck like that from too much plastic surgery.  Either way it makes me want to punch him in the head a few times just to reset his eyebrows back to their normal position.

Decenber 21st – Younha – Do You Want To Build A Snowman?

No.

December 23rd – Badkiz – Last Christmas

Right just before Christmas hits we get the crappy nugu covers of established western Christmas songs, all the people who didn’t have the cash to make fancy videos.  This one is so awful that Badkiz’ management couldn’t even be bothered getting the girls into the studio, they just stuck a ghetto blaster in the corner of the room and said “sing for your supper, you bitches”.  Badkiz must be feeling like the agency just gave them socks for Christmas.

December 23rd – Tell And Listen – Christmas

Here’s more nugus.  There I was, lulled into a false sense of security with the low initial rate of Christmas songs but now every cunt wants to do one.  These people are obviously embarrassed enough by this shit song to not want to show their faces and plus there’s once again no video budget so instead we get some stupid still life with Christmas lights and cheap CGI and other crap.  They’re probably also trying to avoid the face punching.

December 23rd – IU – 12 Months 24 Days (D.ear Cover)

IU has obviously been reading Kpopalypse blog and therefore is wearing a shirt that meets required horizontal stripes standards – good work!  In a return to Christmas innuendo on this list she also sings “in your eyes, in your face” while staring at the camera, perhaps suggesting that this song is going to get used as a soundtrack to Viki from Dal Shabet’s next celluloid excursion, presumably a bukkake Christmas special.  IU’s trying really hard to get me to like this crappy song by appealing to my more primal instincts and I appreciate the effort but sorry, nothing could get me to like this limp R&B Christmas trash.

December 23rd – Jubora – Christmas Song

I don’t know who Jubora is but she has nice boobs, however she sounds a bit like a Korean Amy Winehouse, which makes me just want to force-feed her drugs until she passes out so I don’t have to listen to her wail any more.  Someone introduce her to Bom.

December 23rd – Park Jimin, Eric Nam and some other people nobody cares about – a bunch of crap

Watching people you don’t know from another country sit around and sing a bunch of stupid carols on YouTube is just as boring and insipid as watching your family and friends do it in real life.  Who would’ve thought.

December 23rd – EXO – A Winter’s Tale

SM couldn’t be fucked doing a proper Christmas song for EXO this year, so they just tossed out this trashy “live” video on their channel.  I guess they were worried that if they laid down the big bucks on some ultra high-budget Christmas MV like last year, they might lose another EXO group member a week later and then they’d have to mothball it.  This live video is notable because the EXO fans actually fucking shut up for most of it, not quite sure how SM managed that, an airborne sedative distributed through the ducted airconditioning perhaps.  Of course the EXO boys have to breathe it in too, but this song’s so sleepy and awful that it probably makes no difference to their performance, and besides a sedated EXO member is an EXO member who doesn’t have enough energy to sign contracts with other agencies.

December 23rd – Hitchhiker – Merry Christmas!

Proof that you can put just about anything over that Hitchhiker beat, cut it up a little in a rhythmic way, and there you have a song.  Also the title has an exclamation mark on the end so we know it’s edgy and cool, should appeal to YG fans who like that sort of thing.  At least it’s only 20 seconds long, which makes it the best song on this list by default.

So that’s the Christmas dick-sucking trash song roundup for another year!  Merry Christmas, cockheads!  Oh and if there’s any songs that I missed definitely don’t post about how I forgot them in the comments below because nobody cares.

Kpopalypse is now taking a break to do Christmas shit like eat other people’s food and fap to girls in elf costumes so the next posts from me will be the best and worst lists of 2014!  Expect them fondly!

On last week’s radio show I was bored and didn’t want to play stinky Christmas bullshit so instead I played a random and unplanned selection of sixteen songs that were good, but not good enough to make it into my Top 30 list.  Ever since then I’ve been constantly asked questions about them, so to keep you all happy until my top/bottom 30 lists appear here are the honourable mentions, with ultra-tiny reviews of each.  These are not numbered because they are in no specific order, and they are feature tracks only.  I’ve also included an equal amount of dishonourable mentions, (that weren’t played on the show) because I know you guys like it when I piss all over your faves for some reason.  This honourable/dishonourable mentions list won’t be going up on Anti Kpop-Fangirl, it’s just going to live on Kpopalypse blog so I’ve got something to link people who keep asking me about it.  Please enjoy this mini-post while you wait for the top/bottom 30!

Okay, so it’s not really that “mini” the way I’ve done it, but it is once you remove the 32 video links…

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Miniskirt

Brave Brothers find the “suck” knob on their studio control desk and turn it down a few notches, meanwhile AOA unzip their skirts a few notches.  Everybody wins.

BTS (Bangtan Boys) – War Of Hormone

I guess now that Block B couldn’t be bothered sounding like Block B anymore, someone has to pick up the slack – enter nugus BTS.

Fiestar – One More

Everyone noticed the sexy makeover and the lyrics about threesomes, but I also noticed that Fiestar had finally been given a good song.  Now if only Cheska was still in the group (sob).

Jiyeon – Never Ever (1 min 1 second)

Jiyeon can’t sing that well and that’s precisely why this works – the songwriter doesn’t try to overextend her so she touches the right notes in this sentimental mid-paced song.  If Ailee tried this the result would be garbage.

Got7 – Stop Stop It

JYP turns up the vocoder to 11 for his latest boy group and it’s probably the best use of the vocal effect in a k-pop song to date.  Meanwhile dumb k-pop fans will still mistake it for Autotune and complain.

Four Ladies – Move

The gyrating sheer suits stopped people from noticing that this was essentially a tango reimagining of 4Minute’s “Volume Up“, which was 4Minute’s last good song.  Now it’s 4Ladies’ first good song.

Hi Suhyun ft. Bobby – I’m Different

A great rhythm track similar to (but better than) Lee Hi’s “1,2,3,4” saves what would otherwise have been a tedious blues-based wank straight to nowhere.  Even the cringeworthy raps can’t sink this for me.

VIXX – Eternity

A k-pop track with black metal-style gang-vocal riffs in the chorus?  Really?  More of this type of thing, please.

IU & Seo Taiji – Sogyeokdong

Seo Taiji’s infatuation with ultra-gated analog synth noises is taken a little bit too far on this track and threatens to swallow IU’s input up completely, but the great melody and riffs still make it one of 2014’s only good ballads.

Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby

Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams” just got given a k-pop makeover with faster beats, less maudlin vocal warbling and six girls more fappable than Annie Lennox in her prime.  Who’s complaining?

Orange Caramel – Catallena

Pretentious artsy-fuck sack-licking music critics stroked themselves off over this hardcore because the MV was kinda weird and the song nicked a vocal hook from “Jutti Meri” so they got to use words like “mishmash” and “heteronormative” in a frenzy of literary masturbation, but it was actually one of OC’s worst features in 2014.  This of course means it’s still great by the standards of just about any other group.

EXO – Overdose

EXO did the unthinkable in 2014 and did a song I actually liked.  Most of it’s actually awful but the chorus has some gorgeous synth harmony and is brilliant enough for me to overlook all the other wank.

Stellar – Mask

Stellar’s agency responded to criticisms of “Marionette” by adding more clothes and more sexiness, meanwhile the Sweetune-produced track is the best KARA song that KARA never had.

EXID – Up & Down

I don’t actually give a shit about Hani’s fancam, “Up & Down” was a good song when it came out, and it’s still a good song now.  Bonus points for a nod to at least half a dozen sexual fetishes in the MV.

TaeTiSeo – Holler

Like Hi Suhyun, this song only works for me because of the excellent backing track (from Hitchhiker of “Eleven” fame) that I could honestly listen to all day even without the vocals.

Hong Jin Young – Cheer Up

Just veering a little bit too far in the direction of generic trot restaurant music to make the top 30, this contains enough neo-folkisms and Hong Jin Young being hot in the MV for me to still like it anyway.

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

Taeyang – 1AM

I originally put “Ringa Linga” here and then some helpful person pointed out that it was from 2013 but I’m pretty sure I meant to post this piece of shit instead.  I guess YG’s generic swag-lite bullshit songs suck so much that it all blends into one seamless pile of yoloshit.

Akdong Musician – Melted

You probably cried over this video story, but music videos are fiction, you weak cunt.  Why not cry over being emotionally manipulated into listening to another generic crap ballad instead, because that actually did happen and you should be upset about it.

Sunny Hill – Once In Summer

Sunny Hill try to do debut-style-SNSD just for a change and they fail even harder than Apink usually does when they try to do the same thing, which is like, every two weeks.

Apink – Mr. Chu

Speaking of which it’s 2014 and Apink’s songwriters are still trying to rewrite all the songs from SNSD’s first album six dozen different ways and failing.  Not many groups fill out a school uniform quite like Apink though – the real reason both for their success and for why their agency won’t let go of those “cute” concepts.  Fap fap fap.

Spica – Ghost

Poor Spica.  I guess “Ghost” is as good a metaphor for their career so far as any other, and songs like this are the reason why.

As One – For The Night

Girls bending over in frilly maid uniforms are hot and they kept me watching this video long after I figured out that this song was just some generic R&B bullshit.

2NE1 – Come Back Home

In a daring slice of reality TV, this MV has Bom mixing up hallucinogenic drugs in a laboratory.  Bom please cook me up some of your famous crystal meth jelly snacks so I can stay awake through another dull dose of 2NE1-style reggae-lite.

Akdong Musician – 200%

I’d rather listen to this than anything else by AKMU.  Which is like saying that I’d rather take a chainsaw to the face than to the testicles.

Lim Chang Jung – Ordinary Song

He’s not kidding.

Nell – Four Times Around The Sun

It’s amazing how much you can emotionally manipulate people with some confetti, a leaf-blower, some mood lighting and some third-rate Coldplay-by-numbers.  Some people probably legit became teary over this.

JYJ – Back Seat

JYJ fans, the real reason music shows won’t let JYJ on is because they have too many songs like this, which are just too shit for broadcast TV.  They love it how they can just pass the buck to SM on that front and you straight away believe them.

Sistar – I Swear

Even Hyolyn’s ass half-hanging out of her shorts, Soyou bouncing around in boob-hugging tops and all four of Sistar in bed together can’t make me sit through this earsore of cluttered brass and nauesating shrill vocals.

Red Velvet – Be Natural

I thought their “Yayaya” clone “Happiness” was a bit on the nose when it came out, but I’m appreciating it a lot more these days – it’s honestly solid gold compared to this shithouse cover of some worthless S.E.S song nobody cares about.

Raina & San E – A Midsummer Night’s Sweetness

It’s well-documented how much of a Raina fan I am, and even I think this is lazy insipid garbage, so there’s no excuse for anybody else to like it.  I like that song with Kanto where they break up better – that’ll teach Raina not to get musically involved with this awful hip-hop-lite.

Soyou (Sistar), Jinggigo, Lil Boi (Geeks) – Some

Someone on YouTube asked for songs similar to this one and he got 66 suggestions – that’s how generic and fucking hideously bland this is.  Of course Korea loves it, but then Korea also loves bullying, working 18 hour days and Busker Busker.  I could have linked any of those other identikit songs in this space instead but I like Soyou’s tits and I want to be able to access them easily for later use.

Girls’ Generation – Mr. Mr.

SM listened to you all whine about how experimental “I Got A Boy” was so they did their best to release something as boring as possible to cater to all of you who felt left out.  Happy now?

That’s it for now!  Best/worst of lists for 2014 coming soon!

Welcome to Kpopalypse’s worst songs of 2014!  Let’s round up 2014’s greatest k-pop stinkers!

I assume that because you’ve all actually clicked here and are reading my worst-of list, you can actually handle some criticism of your bias constructively and maturely.  However if this list has too many nasty negative vibes for you, remember that I have a favourites list as well so why not read that instead, you complete fucking pussy?  Otherwise, read on!

Eligibility criteria:

• Feature tracks only – either an MV of some description and/or has been promoted on music shows
• If a k-pop person is in it, it’s k-pop – I don’t give a fuck if the producer lives in Antarctica, half of them do now anyway
• No Christmas shit, those songs all suck, we already know this
• No sport songs, they all suck too (hey Wassup‘s fans you just dodged a bullet here, be grateful)
• No OST songs unless they have a separate unrelated MV

Other shit:

• These are really my opinions.
• No I’m not trolling you.  Well okay, maybe it’s honestly a little funny to see you bitch and moan – but these are STILL my opinions, just because they’re different to yours doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the way that I do.  Different people like different shit, get over it sunshine.
• I’m not saying that my taste is superior or whatever other bullshit message you want to read into my statements that isn’t there.  Take the list as face-value entertainment only.

Let’s get down to it.  Starting off with:

30. Mio ft. Baek Chan – Want To Buy A House

Let’s start this list off with a lovely fairytale, because people often complain that I’m not positive enough: Somewhere in a perfect alternate universe, Korean ballads are outlawed.   Armed police roam the streets of Seoul and Busan wearing high-sensitivity hearing equipment and they raid shop fronts, houses and apartments when ballad-like waveforms are detected in close proximity, arresting the occupants and confiscating the offending material.  The MOGEF rates songs not according to sexual content but according to how closely they resemble a ballad, with 19+ reserved for mid-tempo almost-ballads and the slowest and sappiest songs simply refused classification altogether.  Imported ballads are seized by airport customs and those transporting the contraband material are thrown into prison, while strict Internet censorship regulates the digital flow of ballads into Korea.  The result is that Korea has become a musician’s paradise, where only true and good music prevails… at least on the surface.  Deep in the underground scene, ballad-makers and those that assist them continue to practice their evil craft at great risk to themselves and the community.  These balladeers work their insidious and disgusting trade in secrecy, making songs and MVs in hidden basement studios.  The songs are of course dreadful rubbish which should be listened to by nobody, and the accompanying videos have to make do with ancient black and white cameras that don’t leave a traceable digital signature that the anti-ballad authorities can track, plus whatever poor-quality lighting is available.  Performers engaging in this illegal black-market activity must also remain masked during MV shoots to protect their identities as anyone recognising them in public could alert the police to the musical crimes they are undertaking.  These shady individuals also make sure to use exactly the same generic and boring vocal style so nobody could possibly recognise them by voice alone when out in public.  Please now appreciate this contraband video, extracted from the aforementioned alternate universe by KT Music, to remind yourself of how good Korean society could be, if it dared to undertake the serious reforms necessary to ensure high music quality in mainstream culture.  Until such a utopia is realised, my worst-of lists will have to do as a gentle encouragement to agencies to not produce this type of shit.

29. Spica.S – Give Your Love

Poor Spica.  Poor.  Fucking.  Spica.  They just can’t catch a break, can they.  Everybody seems to “want them to get popular” but that doesn’t actually extend in any real way to anybody actually giving a shit about them enough to make them popular.  They keep getting lumped with crap songs like this that not only have just about zero chance of winning them any new fans, but that even half their existing fanbase can’t get behind.  To their credit, the label went all-out doing all the textbook appropriate things: they dumped the not-so-hot girl for the special Spica.S sub-unit (I guess S stands for “S-line”, or “Sexy” or maybe “Shafted by their company” or “Sister, pack your bags”), got all the other ones in sexy dresses and got them to dance sexy, got them to get their boobs out as much as is possible in a k-pop video… and still no pot of gold.  It seems that despite all this the agency forgot the one small detail of making Spica.S sing a song that anybody wants to listen to, maybe they didn’t think that was important, and I suppose one could forgive them for thinking that way given some of the other ultra low quality trash that actually charts in Korea (foreshadowing alert!).  What a drag, what a disappointment it must be for the girls and their company.  Imagine being one of the girls in Spica.  Imagine arguing with your morally conservative disapproving parents about how you’re completely on board with the new sexy concept that the label wants because at least it’ll finally make some damn money like those other groups and then it flops anyway.  Imagine photocopying your own tits for nothing.  Poor Spica.

28. Ailee – Don’t Touch Me

There’s an incredibly hot girl that I know who I tried to get into the pants of on and off for at least five years a while back in between various other doomed-to-failure relationships that I had going on at the time.  I completely failed to get anywhere with her because while I was in and out of every other bedroom door in the city she had a steady long-term relationship for the entire time, plus an unfortunate aversion to infidelity.  Now that I’ve been in a steady relationship for quite some time myself, the pressure is off her, which I think she misses but then maybe that’s just my arrogant male ego talking.  Anyway whoever did the styling job on Ailee performed fantastic work because there’s quite a few scenes in “Don’t Touch Me” where she resembles this girl extremely closely.  I always find that girls on TV and in the media are hotter to me if they bear some kind of resemblance to a woman who I personally know (especially if I tried to get into that person’s pants and failed, after all it’s the things you can’t have that are the most tempting), so this means that Ailee has now climbed up a few rungs on my fapability list.  Superb stuff, I can only be thankful.  Pity the song is the usual bullshit Ailee does now with lots of cheesy brass stabs, annoying vocal overdubs and other unwelcome Beyonce-ish nonsense (“all my ladies clap!” *cringe* *shudder*), as if anything Beyonce ever did in her entire career should ever be considered worthy of anything else except lining rubbish bins let alone be influential to anybody, anywhere, ever.  Ailee will probably sadly never get back to the quality of “Heaven” and “I’ll Show You” as she seems to have now made being the third-rate Beyonce clone nobody asked for her ‘thing’ but at least I got to see more of Ailee nude than the aforementioned girl that I lusted after for all those years, so at least there’s a silver lining to her career trajectory.

27. JJCC – At First

“Jackie Chan to debut his new male idol group JJCC this month“, the headlines screamed.  “Wow, Jackie Chan the martial arts movie star, making his own pop group, fuck yeah, this is going to be great!” I thought to myself, “the song will probably be really uptempo and cool, a deliberately kick-ass pulsating dance number specifically designed to showcase super fine crazy martial arts-inspired choreography crafted by Jackie Chan himself that will kick SM Entertainment’s ass!”.  Then “At First” was released, and was I let down by the result after all the hype?  Let’s put it this way, the climactic highlight of both the song and the dance routine in “At First” is at 2:19 where one of the group members steps dramatically in a puddle and the water splashes a little bit around his foot.  It may not be 2014’s worst song of the year, but it’s certainly 2014’s most disappointing, saddest moment in k-pop debuts.  Whenever someone asks me these days “are you looking forward to [comeback/album/group x]?” I always reply “I don’t look forward to anything – I’ll wait until it happens before I decide if I’m excited or not” and the reason for that attitude is that I’ve been burned one too many times by shit like this.  Fuck you, Jackie Chan for plummeting my faith in the k-pop industry’s ability to capitalise on a good concept to new lows previously thought not possible.  Go ‘rumble in the bronx‘ some more and leave k-pop alone, you fuckhead.

26. Crayon Pop – Uh-ee

Even in the ultra-commercial world of k-pop, songwriting is still an inherently creative form, and creative people typically don’t respond well to performance pressure, which is understandable because it’s the lack of traditional workplace pressures which is part of what makes creative industries appealing to many seeking this career path in the first place.  Of course, once a creative occupation becomes a money-making venture, cold hard realilty intervenes and those pressures will exist anyway and exert their influence as they do in any other profession, and as they definitely have here.  Not only did the songwriter of “Uh-ee” have the enormous pressure of penning a follow-up hit to Crayon Pop’s massively viral “Barbarbar” but on top of that he would be conscious of Crayon Pop’s long history of organised crime involvement and therefore would be acutely aware of the consequences of failure.  No wonder he flaked out at the last minute – sweating in the studio control room and shaking in his boots, he could only come up with this children’s TV theme-style nonsense.  “Uh-ee” starts off sounding reasonable enough but deteriorates rapidly as it progresses and the chorus is so cheesy and cringeworthy that it’d probably get rejected for an anime ending credits tune for being too babyish.  Still, we needn’t worry too much – if the author of this song isn’t floating face down in a river somewhere with a few gunshot holes in his neck, he’s probably been sufficiently “educated” regarding his failings to make sure that he doesn’t write anything this offensively bad ever again.  You might have to wait a bit more time than usual for Crayon Pop’s next comeback because it takes a little bit longer to operate a digital audio workstation when you’re missing a few fingers, but don’t worry, have patience and he’ll get there.  Except a return to quality songs from Crayon Pop soon, folks.

25. Sonamoo – Deja Vu

Okay, all of you YG Entertainment fans who claim that I can’t stand YG and are just hating for troll/clickbait/cruelty/lulz purposes, bow down to me, kiss my feet and worship me as your holy defending angel right fucking now.  Why?  Because Sonamoo’s “Deja Vu” is on this list, and it sucks, that’s why.  Is “Deja Vu” worse than YG’s average output these days?  Well, it’s certainly right down there with some of their worst efforts, horribly recalling all the most forgettable parts of 90s American dance-pop and early k-pop (cheesy keyboard stabs, tinny synthesisers, overused breakbeats) and combining it with all the things I hate about the worst of today’s girl-pop (Beyonce-cloning wide-interval melodies, awful rap sections, cringeworthy swag-trociousness in general).  At least the song title is accurate because it’s sure reminding me of a whole lot of awful shit, and it says a lot about this song that the only musically interesting section is the part where somebody just hits one note repeatedly on a synthesiser, over and over.  It’s a shame too because I really, really wanted to like this one – as usual when girl groups debut these days, Sonamoo seem to be copping a ton of hate for no specific reason other than that they’re girls (also see Red Velvet, Lovelyz) so hopefully they do something really good in the future and then I can stan them and irritate the fuck out of some people.  I guess for now they’ll have to wait.  In the meantime, the real reason that YG fans should be thankful that “Deja Vu” is here is this – I had my list already prepared and good to go in advance by Christmas time, and then “Deja Vu” appeared on December 28 2014 and was horrible enough to qualify for inclusion so obviously I had to turf out another song to suddenly make room for it.  That song just happened to be WINNER’s turgid awful wrist-slicer of a ballad “Color Ring“, which is now shifted into position #31 and misses out on this post altogether, so that’s one less time you have to read about Kpopalypse giving your favourite YG artist shit.  Don’t thank me all at once, YG fans.

24. 2NE1 – Happy

Speaking of YG, they have got no idea what side their bread is buttered on with 2NE1 these days, it’s as if “Fire” never happened, and they never noticed the success of that song and thought “hmmm… maybe we should try and capture what was great about that song and use it to define 2NE1’s signature sound”.  Nope – none of that thinking from YG these days!  The entire “Crush” album is just one gigantic compost heap of “fuck it, we don’t know what 2NE1’s fans want, but they keep asking us to release stuff, let’s just throw these shitty songs we’ve got laying around out there and hopefully people will like it just because we’ve already got them hooked”.  It’s just lucky for YG that thanks to the overall high quality of 2NE1’s early material there are now plenty of brainwashed Blackjacks out there who would buy CL’s diarrhea-infused turds in a cup and drink it like it was molten chocolate as long as YG sold it to them with 2NE1’s logo on the side.  “Happy” is a grating straight-from-a-Sesame-Street-singalong nightmare that’s musically even messier and more unwelcome than the pen-scribble on the right side of Dara’s head in the video.  At least they got the “happy ending” bit right, you’ll be as happy when this song ends as 2NE1 appear to be.

23. Kiss&Cry – Domino Game

It’s always a big risk in k-pop for an agency to try something new, it takes true courage to break the mold in such a strict and competitive genre as commercial pop, and you can count on Kiss&Cry’s agency Winning Insight to do just that, after all this was the company that debuted chubby-chaser fap group Piggy Dolls (and their slimmer reconfiguration that everyone hypocritically complained about but musically sucked just as badly).  They’ve really taken it to the next level this time though and done something even more daring than eliminate the spaces between the ampersand in the group title; they’ve debuted k-pop’s very first honker concept.  It warms the heart to see that agencies with guts and determination can break down the perceived barriers within the industry that girls owning a gigantic wind-breaking schnozz surely face every day.  Imagine going to audition after audition and being knocked back constantly because of your massive protruding beak, imagine the pressure to conform in such a looks-based society… it’d surely get to you after a while.  Imagine all the other bitchy girls in the auditions saying “why did they hire THAT girl?  Her face is not aerodynamic at all.”  Then imagine the tears from the girl’s parents when their daughter finally got to debut with this song.  “Oh my god.. my daughter’s been put in umpteenth clone of Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” with stupid unlistenable vocal wanking everywhere mixed with some awful Ricky Martin reggaeton bullshit and a crappy out-of-tune brass thing that sounds like it was ripped straight off a Wacklemore track, her career is doomed!  Oh well, at least I’ll get to see my precious daughter again soon when this song flops and the group disbands and she comes back to live with mom and dad for a while before she goes solo.  It’ll be good to see her again.”  Or alternatively, don’t listen to this track or watch the video at all and you won’t have to think about any of this stuff.  Won’t that be nice.

22. Gain – Truth Or Dare

Gain’s videos are always great and never fail to entertain.  If she’s not fapping, or being “classy sexy“, or both, then she’s usually doing any other combination of things that would be banned under the UK’s new insanely draconian porn legislation, which is always a ticket to k-pop MV-watching fun times.  “Truth Or Dare” is up to usual standards, and features Gain:

• pushing her boobs together
• trying to get her big tits into a corset and only partially succeeding
• encouraging “classy sexy” behaviour from her date (“why didn’t you just break the door down?”)
• wearing a horizontal striped top that meets required standards
• making everyone else in the video call her a slut

Pity the song itself is just a “Blurred Lines” clone, what a letdown and waste of potential after that great video build-up.  Sure, it’s true that “Truth Or Dare” certainly is a bit more listenable than “Blurred Lines” but that’s a bit like saying that cancer of the dick is more enjoyable than cancer of the dick plus arthritis in your fapping hand.  In fact, “Truth Or Dare” is even a little bit closer musically to Marvin Gaye’s “Got To Give It Up” than “Blurred Lines” is, but of course Marvin Gaye’s family certainly won’t be going after Gain’s songwriters in the same way they’ve been headhunting Robin Thicke and Pharrell because why accuse someone of plagiarism when you can’t make any money off of it.  However unlikely it is that Gain will get a legal spanking to match the physical spanking that she gets in most of her MVs, let’s hope that the potential threat of attention from Gaye’s litigation-happy relatives dissuades any further “Blurred Lines” clones and Gain’s songwriters get back to ripping off Prince or whatever the fuck it is they usually do.  In the meantime thank the fapgods for 1theK’s English subtitles so I can fap to Gain being “classy sexy” with full context evident while leaving the sound down.

21. Madtown – Yolo

Now I’m not one of these language snobs who complains when something like ‘adorbs‘ winds up in the dictionary, after all any dictionary worth a damn isn’t designed to be a historical document for setting language in stone – it’s there so people who don’t know the definition of ‘amazeballs‘ or whatever they come across dunderheaded kids saying these days can look it up and find out what it means.  A dictionary is meant to be a practical tool for deciphering the meaning of unknown words, not a device for Internet language Nazis to suck each other off with.  So when I heard that the Oxford Dictionary was including ‘Yolo‘ I thought to myself “hey, that’s okay – I can accept that language changes and evolves over time and that the English language today is different to that in Shakespeare’s day.  Then I heard that a nugu boy group called Madtown was doing a song that would also be called “Yolo“, and I thought “hey, that’s okay too – the company just want to position their group at the cutting edge of Western language and culture so the group can relate to a young global audience”, so I was cool with that.  Then I heard the song, and I realised three very important things:

1. This song is a fucking cancer that the world could do without.
2. If it wasn’t for the use (and by extension, the very existence) of the word Yolo, this piece of music couldn’t actually exist in its current form.  The word strictly defines the song’s chorus hook, rhyming scheme and lyrics, and without it, the entire song would need to be rewritten from scratch.
3. Given that 1. above is true, rewriting the song as per 2. above would be a positive development for all of humanity.

This completely changed how I feel about the term, so here’s some advice.  Next time someone says “Yolo” to you, or to anybody, just go up to them and start repeatedly punching them in the fucking head.  No conversation, no explanation – just go straight up and start hitting.  Don’t worry – they’ll figure out why eventually, hopefully before they’re on the floor bleeding out of their skull.  Or if that’s too nasty for you, just lock them in a room and make them listen to this song on repeat until they piss their pants and promise never to do it again.  If we all pitch in together and do this, we can make the world a better place.  If you can believe, you can achieve.  Come on everybody – let’s live the dream.

20. Akdong Musician – Give Love

When The Rolling Stones first broke through the international marketplace in the mid 1960s, many Rolling Stones fangirls were interviewed about why they found the group preferable to their main music marketplace competition at that time, The Beatles.  The answers were varied but a lot of girls came back with statements along the lines of “The Beatles are pretty but they’re so clean cut… but the Rolling Stones are so much more fascinating, because they’re so ugly!”.  That’s kind of how I feel about Suhyun from Akdong Musician – her fascinating charms draw my eyes to the screen like a magnet, and I know what I’m looking at is not attractive by any objective standard in society yet I can’t look away.  In that Hi Suhyun song which is really just a rehashed version of Lee Hi’s “1,2,3,4” with a slightly better beat I wince at the MV when looking at Lee Hi who looks like some botched YG genetic lab experiment where they tried to cross Diana Ross with Gollum*, but Suhyun honestly is styled really good there for the first time – when they’re both on the screen my eyes go straight to Suhyun every time.  Maybe this is what CL really meant by “bad meaning good”.  I’m wondering if Suhyun might blossom into a very attractive woman when she comes of age, and we all know how YG artists are notorious for “getting prettier” over time so with the correct styling and maybe a little Gangnam fairy dust who knows.  We’ve all seen pre-debut school photos of k-pop idols that look ugly as fuck who then gradually transmogrify into fantasy pin-ups over time.  You are all laughing at me now but you just might find yourself fapping to Suhyun by 2019 so remember that I told you this could happen.  For now though, know that even this bizarre can’t-quite-place-it ugly-but-fascinating thing that Suhyun has got going on for me doesn’t even provide 1% of the required motivation to make me want to listen to this fucking awful nightmare song ever again ever.  I don’t even want to watch it with the sound down simply because it evokes memories of what the music sounds like that I’m trying to blot out of my brain, like a Vietnam veteran hiding from the sound of his neighbour’s leaf-blower because it sounds like a helicopter chaingun warming up.  Forget how the performers look because that’s just a red herring, the true ugliness in Akdong Musician is the music.

* A while back I read some comment somewhere (can’t remember where exactly) from some k-pop fan who said that she gets really hurt when people criticise Lee Hi’s looks, because her friends tell her that she looks like Lee Hi.  Wherever you find yourself today, my heart goes out to you.  Don’t let those haters get you down – I’m sure you look much prettier than that fugly Lee Hi woman and your friends are just being mean.  Maybe get some better friends.

19. Block B – Jackpot

Block B were a good group with some good songs, “Nalina” and “Nilili Mambo” will probably remain two of the better male k-pop songs out there from the past few years.  Then something happened to Block B to change everything – they left their label.  They’re probably making a lot more than the $14 that Stardom paid them now thanks to breaking out from under their previous company’s shackles, and good on them all for making that move.  However there’s been an unfortunate side-effect – it seems that in the process they also severed the ties with whoever was writing all their old material as the new emancipated Block B can’t turn a trick anymore, musically speaking.  I hear that Zico himself has a fair hand in the productions these days and maybe he should stop all that and leave it to the experts because their new songs are just a mess.  Nowhere is this more evident than “Jackpot”, a horrible song that flits back and forth between a 6/8 swing feel in the verse and a 4/4 disco-rock chorus with all the clunky awkwardness of the gearshift in your grandmother’s Volvo.  It would be tolerable if the individual sections were decent but the melodies all have that horrible boy-group cheese-grater quality and by the time you get to the point in the MV where the girl is running away from Block B’s thugged-out bicycle-riding swag-lords you’ll be wishing that you could also run away from ever hearing this again like a faggot bitch.

18. Taeyang – Eyes, Nose, Lips

It’s easy to fool a k-pop fan into thinking they’re listening to the song of the year.  Just do the following:

• Make sure the song in question is a piano-based ballad with not too much drum machines especially at the start.  Electronics are for kids, piano is “deep and meaningful” shit for serious music people, man.  You can sneak the trendy trap bullshit in later on in the song if you want, but only once the piano’s been fully established.
• Use mainly dark and moody photography in the MV because it’s artsier so therefore anything you shoot with it is more artistic and hence musically better straight away.  Also if you have to paint abs onto the lead singer, it blends in better if you shoot it nice and dark.
• Make sure your fog machine is in full working order.  Fog is symbolic, it represents mystery and the unknown, like the mystery of Taeyang’s musical genius, or the mystery of Koreans lapping up every cookie-cutter ballad that YG puts out.
• Fire is also good because it represents the burning passion of YG fans stanning their faves in forums and blog posts against mean haters who just want to bring them down.  If you’ve got a prop why not set it on fire?  Don’t be afraid to light it up and let it burn like you don’t care.
• Even though we’re in sensitive ballad territory, preserve some of the hip-hop vibe by having the singer wear a beanie and a gold chain. You wouldn’t want someone to stumble into this video halfway through and think they’re listening to 2AM or something.
• Male chest must be exposed, this is very important, it’s not about skin exposure for the pleasure of fappers, it shows the performer’s willingness to be vulnerable in front of his audience and share his emotions deeply (plus his body odours, which is definitely another hip-hop vibe enhancing thing).  Remember this important fact to defend your bias with when people start complaining about double-standards.
• Busting out a few Michael Jackson style dance moves in the climax of the song is totally appropriate because when guys get really emotional and express their deepest emotions, they dance in a carefully planned, tightly choreographed manner.
• If you want drunk sluts to sing this at karaoke and have a good time they’ll never remember complex harmonies and vocal phrases, or adventurous arrangements and harmonic patterns, so remember the KISS rule, Keep It Simple, Stupid.  Dumb the song down as far as it can go – and then a little further if you possibly can.  Basic lyrics, basic chords, basic melody… the less interesting, the better.  If you can’t follow along to it when you’re ripped off your tits on a combination of soju, methamphetamine and E’s at 3am on a Sunday morning in a karaoke booth while simultaneously trying to grope your booth partner between their legs, maybe you need to slow it down a little more and make it just a little more basic.

Hey presto, Song Of The Year, bitches.

17. B.I.G (Boys In Groove) – Hello

There’s a phenomenon in Australia which is extremely widespread and has been so since colonial days, called the “cultural cringe“.  Essentially it’s the opposite of patriotism – Australians mostly find their own culture to be extremely fucking corny, and we groan whenever we see homegrown portrayals of it in a positive light, because we know the truth that Australia really ain’t all that (apart from the killer wildlife, which is awesome – most people in Australia who die from wildlife attacks do so because they’re too busy being blown away about how they just got bit by some amazing cool deadly creature that they forgot to call an ambulance or go to hospital).  Rest assured that something like B.I.G’s “Hello” could never have emerged from Australia, and listening to it with the captions on (because you need to understand the lyrics to really appreciate the thudding awfulness of this one) makes me wonder if Koreans roll their eyes at this stuff and find it as mortifyingly embarrassing as I would if I saw some Australian rappers do a similar song for export about the virtues of Chiko rolls and lamingtons.  Not that improved lyrics would have worked much better because there’s no saving that horrible trap beat, but I actually feel bad for Korea and get “secondhand cultural cringe” from listening to this.  Also, fuck these guys for bragging about their fast Internet while my government dithers away wasting billions trying to squeeze more juice out of Australia’s shit-tacular copper network instead of replacing the whole damn thing with fibre-optic cable at about a third of the cost like the previous government was going to do.  I’m not sure what I hate more, Tony Abbott’s government or this song’s lyrics… but fuck them both.

16. GP Basic – Pika-Burnjuck

Every k-pop following idiot cried pathetically like little babies when super-cute girl group Pritz dressed up in some sexy Nazi cosplay for their great Babymetal rip-off “Sorasora“, as if Nazi-inspired fashion isn’t already in everything from Pink Floyd: The Wall to Star Wars.  On the other hand nobody gave two shits when GP Basic dressed in nearly exactly the same type of getup for “Pika-Burnjuck”.  If anything GP Basic’s Nazi concept is more authentic than Pritz due to the lack of frilly dresses which I’m pretty sure were verboten for SS girls in uniform – but strangely nobody noticed that because “Pika-Burnjuck” was actually a piece of music bad enough to do the impossible in today’s no-fun ultra-PC age – it made people forget that they hate Nazis.  Cruise the comments section of YouTube and all you’ll see under “Pika-Burnjuck” besides the obligatory “good on them for not doing a sexy concept” stuff that we always get from pathetic fangirls nowadays is people saying that the girls are trying too hard to be gangster, which must look pretty hilarious to any actual gangsters out there, not to mention any Nazis.  The song besides being generally obviously musically awful actually has not one but two breakdowns in it, a traditional dubstep one that we all hate, and another one where they just remove all the music and leave only the drumbeat, which maybe isn’t actually that bad of an idea come to think of it.  Maybe they should have ran with that idea for the entire song and left out everything else, now that would have been a marginal improvement.

15. Switch – Bikini

Many years ago I was at a party, it was getting late and I was bored because the hot girls had already left but I couldn’t leave because I was relying on someone else as the transport and that person wanted to stay.  Because I wasn’t drinking and was looking for something to do with my time, the party host was happy to let me “be the DJ” for a while, so I got to be in charge of selecting tunes from everyone’s CDs and cassettes that they had brought along (this was back in the early 90s, when people actually did that).  As I was going through the big pile of shit, some guy who seemed reasonably off his face on some kind of chemical entertainment products came up to me and thrust a homemade cassette in my hand.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta play this, it’s amazing!”

“What is it?” I asked warily.  I knew this wasn’t a good sign.

“It’s a mixtape!  Do you know what a mixtape is?”  He didn’t wait for a response.  “There’s all these songs on it, and then when one song ends, it just goes right into the next one and the beat all matches!  It’s like it’s the same song, but it’s different!  It’s amazing!  I did it myself, it’s awesome!  You gotta hear this, it’s so great, it’ll blow you away!”

None of the other music they had at the party was any good so I thought fuck it, why not – how bad can it be?  I motioned for my new friend Mixtape Man to use the stereo system and he stopped whatever music was playing and put his tape on.  The first song started up and the sound was just a total wall of shit, he had mixed it so there was almost always more than one track going on at once, and you never really got to clearly hear anything because there were too many layers of competing sound.  This was before I even started DJing at a radio station but even then it was obvious that he didn’t know anything about how to do a mixtape.  Every now and again a new song would cut in and he’d point at the stereo and scream “DID YOU HEAR THAT – FUCKING AMAZING TRANSITION, MAN!” and I’d just kind of smile and nod because he was pretty off his face so who knows what he might be capable of if I started getting disagreeable.  Anyway “Bikini” by Switch reminds me of the sound of his mixtape with so much sound fighting for space and not much of it getting through, and the feeling of relief when “Bikini” ended was much the same as the feeling that I had when I turned around after about the fourth “amazing transition” to see that Mixtape Man had finally passed out in the corner so I didn’t have to play his stupid cassette any more.  On another note, it seems that “Bikini” is statistically a dangerous name to give a k-pop song, there were two songs called Bikini released in 2013 and they both made it onto my worst-of list for that year as well.  At least the girls of Switch look good in their bikinis, even though their underwear also seems to reflect the “too much going on” theme of the music.  Oh well, points for effort.  And boobs.

14. GD & Taeyang – Good Boy

G-Dragon made it very clear recently that Taeyang’s basically just his fawning lapdog, so we can safely say that G-Dragon should take full responsibility for this.  Taeyang’s input probably consisted of nodding his head and saying “yes G-Dragon this sounds good you are great” over and over, and the whole song is a good example of just how bad music can get when a creative artist is surrounded by too many yes-men.  If you get so large that nobody will ever step back and tell you that you suck, exercising quality control becomes difficult because a somewhat objective outside opinion is harder to find.  It’s a good thing Kpopalypse is here to tell him how much this song blows and give G-Dragon a taste of reality he’s unlikely to get elsewhere, let’s hope he’s reading.  Even the video looks poor with too much awkward poncing around from everybody involved, and its only notable visually interesting feature is that G-Dragon and Taeyang are wearing caps from the 1988 Seoul Olympic Games.  It took me back to 1988, a time that I remember well, a time when rap music was decent, shithouse abominations like trap and dubstep hadn’t been invented, G-Dragon and Taeyang were just jizzloads floating around inside daddy’s ballsack and people didn’t try to look gangster while wearing glow-in-the-dark dreads while someone blew bubbles in the background.  Nor did people back then sample the beat from Hitchhiker’s “Eleven” and do half-assed lame raps over the top, shave their song’s name crookedly into the back of their skulls, or have a chorus hook as lame as “I am a goooooood boy” which I guess was what Taeyang was saying to himself all throughout the recording session as he shambled around on his foreknuckles dutifully doing whatever G-Dragon told him.  It’s like Private Pyle made a rap song, jesus fucking christ.

13. Fly To The Sky – You You You

This awful festering putrid pustulent putrescent boil on the Korean music scene was a huge hit and it begs the question: why does Korea like disgusting worthless ballads so much?   I’ve long pondered the elusive answer to this question and I had a theory about this a while back.  I thought that Koreans like ballads because they work so hard, pulling all those 18 hour days 7 days a week, and when they’re finished their shift putting spindles in boxes or whatever the fuck it is that they do and get home, they just want nothing more than to sit and listen to something soothing and relaxing and non-stressful, the poor little dears.  Then I found out that the “hard-working Koreans” are just a myth and that Korean workers actually have the worst worker productivity of all OECD countries – bam, that sure turned my theory into dust!  What a bunch of slack assholes with no determination!  I have a new theory now: I think dull-as-fuck music like this piped through the office public address system passes away the hours with maximum calm as Koreans sit in their offices pretending to work hard pulling all that overtime while they’re really getting drunk, chatting up the person who comes to change the coffee machine or perfecting their League Of Legends builds.  Some consultancy group probably did a study somewhere that showed that awful ballads like this are the least likely to result in industrial action due to gradually sapping the motivation out of employees to question or work, or think or do anything really.  Soon all of global society will be controlled this way, with ballads that numb the senses, lulling people into a near-comatose state.  Forget radiation poisoning, bath salts or medical experiments – it’s going to be Korean ballads like this one that bring about the zombie apocalypse, and you you you are going to be in hell hell hell.

12. Pascol – Merry Black Day

There’s a porn movie I have where a girl is blowing two guys at the same time – she’s holding one dick in each hand and she swaps every few seconds between blowing guy A while stroking guy B and vice versa.  This is fairly standard porn film threesome foreplay procedure, but then all of a sudden, something different happens.  Just because it’s probably been a long day of shooting porn and our female pornstar is somewhat bored, she decides to lighten the mood by getting the two guys’ cocks and touching their ends together.  The guys both unanimously say “No!  Don’t go there!” while the girl starts laughing like a hyena as they both instantly lose their erections, the director yells “Cut!” and they wait a few minutes for them to get hard again so they can reshoot the scene.  Then she does it a second time – it’s hilarious, what a troll!  How those guys felt at that moment when their cock-heads met and started rubbing together against their will is pretty much how I felt when the bridge of “Merry Black Day” kicks in at 1:19 and the song changes from a cute and appealing rap-lite kinda thing into some kind of pathetic R&B warble-fest and falls to shit.  There’s no rescuing the song from that point onward, and I know it’s supposed to be a harmony but the vocals and the backings are sounding fairly out of key with each other at that point, they can’t seriously be passing off a bridge and chorus this bad onto a pop audience.  In the video they’re going for a happy fun hip-hop vibe but the maudlin slow beats and unlistenable vocal wanking ensures that this song misses its mark completely.  You can wear all the Crayon Pop-inspired tracksuits that you want, your song isn’t going to be any fun to listen to unless it actually sounds like fun instead of some kind of fucking necrotic funeral dirge (first doom metal band to name themselves “necrotic funeral dirge” after being inspired by this post and release a song on YouTube called “Cao Ni Ma Slaughter” gets a present from me).  I get the vibe while watching this video that even Pascol themselves hate the song, as they hide their boredom behind sunglasses and sway to the beat in a non-committal half-interested fashion.  The Suicidal Tendencies jumper at the start of the video seems more appropriate to the mood of what’s going down here because these girls do look somewhat on the brink (don’t do it, kids), but then even Suicidal Tendencies were an upbeat thrash group and never had anything quite this boring – it just makes me wish I was listening to “Trip At The Brain” instead of this crap.

11. g.o.d ft. Megan Lee – The Story Of Our Lives

Here’s how I believe the recording session for this song went down:

Megan is in the recording studio vocal booth, cutting her verse for g.o.d’s latest song.  She’s wearing big studio headphones and is chewing bubble gum.  “What take are we on?” she asks into the big grey vocal microphone.

“Take 36.  When you’re ready.  Try and put some emotion into it” comes the instruction from the audio engineer, the voice transmitted from the talkback microphone on the other side of the soundproofed double-glazed control room wall into her headset.  The engineer watches Megan through the glass.  Next to him is the producer, who looks on silently.

Megan sighs.  “I don’t even want to do this fucking shit.  I’m so bored.”

“It’s only four lines, come on Megan.  Get this done and you don’t have to listen to this song ever again.”

“Good, because I fucking won’t!”, Megan snaps back.  “This song fucking sucks dick!  And don’t think for a goddamn second I’m going to be in that fucking stupid video!  He can get one of his slutty actresses for that!”

“We can talk about the video later.  Let’s just get your vocal part down.”  The engineer takes a deep breath and keeps his cool –  he’s used to dealing with kids like this.  “Let’s go, come on.  And take your gum out.”

“I swear, if I even have to set foot in the same room as that Kim Tae Woo asshole… he fucking disgusts me…” Megan mutters as she inserts two fingers inside her mouth, removes the lump of stale chewing gum and sticks it onto the metal sheet music stand at chest height in front of her.  “Okay, I’m ready.”  Megan clears her throat.

“Okay, we’re rolling.  Do your best.”  The engineer presses record on his digital workstation and the backing track’s piano intro comes through Megan’s headphones.  Megan closes her eyes and tries to focus, but when she hears the ‘Love / what is true love” spoken intro, her eyes widen again and she glares angrily through the glass at the engineer.

“FUCK you.  Don’t play it from the fucking START!  My bit isn’t even until after three minutes in!  I don’t want to listen to this trash!  Just forward it to the bit where I sing and press record from there, for fuck’s sake!”

“Listening to it all might help you get into the feel for the song, for when your bit comes.”, the engineer replies.

Megan is livid.  “FUCK OFF!  What ‘feel’?  It has no fucking ‘feel’!  This song is such fucking INSINCERE BULLSHIT!  They’re trying to come off like they’re all sensitive family men and shit, but it’s all fucking lies!   Kim Tae Woo is such a cuntface, I swear I am so close to suing that fucking slimy lizard, don’t fucking think I won’t!”

“Are you finished?  Can we do this?” the engineer replies.

“No I’m NOT FUCKING FINISHED.  This whole thing is fucking trash!  ‘Story of our lives’ my fucking ass – more like ‘Story of our lies!’  My parents are gonna take him to the fucking cleaners if he fucks with me any more!”

Not fazed at all, but gradually losing patience, the audio engineer replies: “You know, if you were to put a tenth of the passion and energy into your vocal performance that you do into trying to convince yourself how horrible Kim Tae Woo is, we’d be done by now.”

“FUCK YOU, YOU CUNT!”  Megan screams, rips the headphones off her head and throws them at the engineer’s face.  Shielded by the thick glazing of the control booth, the headphones hit the double-glass wall between them and drop to the floor.  Megan storms off through the studio door to the outside of the building amid a tirade of obscenities.

The engineer laughs and turns to the producer.  “Well… she didn’t like that suggestion.”

The producer shrugs.  “Let’s not worry about it.  Just assemble the best vocal part you can using the bits from what we’ve got.  It’s not like it matters much, it’s only a ballad… and it’ll take less time than trying to get an acceptable performance from Ms. Special out there.”

The engineer nods.  “It’s still a paycheck.  Good thing I get paid by the hour.  Hey, do you think Megan knows that my wages are added to her trainee debt?”

10. J-Rabbit – There’s Got To Be A Good Thing

I know I’ll get a lot of shit for daring to have an opinion and putting a song from Korea’s indie-darlings on this list but J-Rabbit fucking suck, flat-out.  There’s no sugar-coating the low net worth of this group’s musical output, no matter how much I might want to like them.  YES, the girls are obviously extremely talented, YES it’s good that they’ve stayed independent and therefore are probably actually making decent money out of what they do unlike just about every other performer in Korea, YES they’re probably really nice people who deserve their success and I sincerely wish them all the best in their future endeavours and YES this fucking song sucks fucking donkey dick all night long.  Back when I was 4 years old I used to love songs that sounded just like this when they came on the TV screen during children’s television hour.  I remember those days, sitting on the carpet playing with my toys and bopping along to some housefrau with bobbed hair and an acoustic guitar or a piano singing “Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush” or whatever the fuck it was that week.  Then something happened – I turned 5 years old and songs for toddlers by TV mummy didn’t sound all that good anymore.  Hell, even kid’s music where I live doesn’t sound quite this regressive nowadays, Australia’s 21st century toddlers have got sophisticated nu-school rockin’ soundtracks to augment their coloured-block playtime like The Wiggles and Hi-5 (who even have a Korean member).  Of course if you’ve still got a mental age of 4 years or under, or you enjoy occasionally curling up into a fetal position and crying about how horrid the big bad world is and you just wish a couple of girls would sing you children’s songs and smile at you a bit to make you feel better about your pointless, alienating existence, then you might be able to appreciate J-Rabbit.  Personally I advocate becoming mentally healthy rather than retreating into the kind of emotionally crippled state that makes J-Rabbit’s music seem appealing, but then each to their own.  Far be it for me to tell you how to run your life.

9. PSY ft. Snoop Dogg – Hangover

Ignoring the hype, and ignoring the burn that PSY applied to k-pop fans by succeeding where your bias failed by actually making Americans give a shit about him at least for a month or two before the novelty of watching a guy’s crotch bounce up and down in a lift wore off, “Gangnam Style” taken on face value is an alright song.  If you’re any sort of pop music fan and you hate it, the truth is that you probably did in fact like it when you first listened to it but you just got sick of it from overexposure.  There was high initial interest for Gangnam Style’s follow-up single “Gentleman” too but that song ultimately was a fizzer because it self-consciously tried to replicate the viral happy accident of “Gangnam Style”.  Virality never works out well when it’s manufactured specifically to be viral (just ask that Kony 2012 guy) – when that song came out every PSY fan from back in the day was like “come on – you’ve got six albums under your belt, we know you can do better than Gangnam Style part 2″.  At least with “Hangover” he’s done what he should have done before and tried something different, it’s just a pity that the result is a horrible rap stinker that probably wouldn’t even make the cut on a 2NE1 album and which has likely now firmly cemented the perception of PSY as a one-hit joke in the global marketplace.  PSY himself is barely even in it vocally, but the fact that it’s billed as “PSY featuring Snoop Dogg” means that he probably still fucking wrote most of it, so we can blame him anyway.  The end of the video teases a new song from PSY called “Daddy” but it didn’t come out when promised and we should probably be grateful.  Just like a real hangover, everyone just wants it to be over as soon as possible so let’s just thank PSY for his biggest cultural contribution over the last two years which is making Brown Eyed Girls do the Abracadabra dance again and try to pretend that none of this other business ever happened.

8. M.O.A – I’ll Call Ya

This song is a true rarity in k-pop, and something that I’m not used to hearing from Korea’s slick studios – not just a bad song but an amateurish-sounding sonic production.  Sure, in 1997 nobody could produce a k-pop record properly, not even SM (just listen to anything from H.O.T, or better yet, don’t), but for a k-pop song in 2014 to have this level of production incompetence is really unusual.  The main problem with it is poorly-adjusted vocal compression (also a H.O.T trademark), if you listen to the vocals carefully you’ll notice that the volume of the girls is dipping around all over the place.  The song itself is even worse, with the only good thing about it being the instrumental break that first happens at 1:26 which is actually pretty cool, but completely unsuited to all the material around it and which only serves to emphasise how horrible and unlistenable everything else is.  Also, a repetitive electronic telephone noise in the middle of a pop song is something that you simply DO NOT DO (more on that later in this list).  At least the people behind this group managed to churn out the equally-badly-produced but far better musically “Run For Your Dream” before M.O.A inevitably imploded from nobodygivesashitaboutthesenugusitis.

7. SM The Ballad Vol.2 – Breath

Anybody who knows my music taste well enough either knew that this song would be riding high on this list, or just forgot that this song existed.  I fully expected it to be complete trash and of course I was right – SM and generic ballads for fuckheads go together like barebacking and STDs, and given the option you’ll wish you were getting fucked up the ass without a condom instead of fucked in the ear canal by Taeyeon and Jonghyun in this hideous aural gangbang.  This song sounds like shit and I’m not even being insulting or having a joke or making a metaphor for bad music or anything like that – I actually literally mean it when I say that this song sounds like the sound of shit.  If you listen closely at 1:29, you’ll hear a plopping noise that sounds exactly like two tiny turds deattaching themselves from somebody’s log-encrusted asshole and breaking the water in an echoey toilet bowl.  Another, slightly bigger and more runny turd audibly plops into the same bowl at 1:54, and from that point onward, the continual sound of fecal matter dribbling from the distended butthole of whoever in SM Entertainment needed to take a shit that day in the studio toilet gradually increases and integrates itself more fully into the mix, until the soundscape becomes one seamless mush.  I suspect that the asshole belongs to either Jonghyun or Taeyeon, as in the video the two maintain a distance of at least eight meters from each other at all times despite the fact that they’re supposed to be singing a song together and it’s kind of customary to stand together closely when singing duets.  Clearly, one of them smells like poo and the other one is trying to maintain some distance from the stench, but that won’t save them from the real terror – neither of then can escape the pungent fecal nature of SM’s ballad songwriting.

6. 2NE1 – Gotta Be You

YG, can we have a proper feature track from 2NE1 one day again, please?  Is it really that much to ask?  Apparently so because YG keeps giving them shit like this to perform.  Certainly not the only sonic high-contrast mess to appear in 2014 but certainly the worst, the hodge-podge music and hideous visual stylings of “Gotta Be You” are heavily reminiscent of Girls’ Generations’ “I Got A Boy“.  However, “I Got A Boy” did have one thing going for it, the soundscape while largely awful was at least a little varied and unusual in places with the odd rare good bit, whereas “Gotta Be You” is just content to cycle around the same few sections over and over and they all suck.  CL’s verses are some easy-listening/trap hybrid with terrifyingly grating synthesised harmonica (maybe it’s there to make CL’s rapping sound smooth and pleasant in comparison), Minzy’s bit is just “let’s hit a drum”, Dara’s is “let’s hit the same drum a bit faster and do a typical predictable crescendo build to the chorus like in every other song ever” and then Bom and Minzy get “I guess we’d better finally put some actual song content in here, here’s a disco beat and some other stuff that was lying around from the BigBang reunion that was going to happen before we decided to postpone it for another three years”.  None of it sits together well and 2NE1 songs are increasingly sounding like stapled-together offcuts from other unfinished material.  Perhaps that’s all 2NE1 is these days for YG, an exercise in spare backing track clearance.  No wonder some of the video’s coloured rooms resemble the bars and charts my computer makes when it does a disk defragmentation, I think what we’re really hearing here is the tidying up of Teddy’s studio control room hard drive.  I suppose he needs to make more space for pictures of Han Ye Seul, but if he could do that without releasing any songs like this in the process that’d be thoughtful of him.

5. Honey Finger 6 – Different Positions

When you have a certain sound for a ringtone on your mobile phone, after a short while, your brain attunes itself to respond to the sound appropriately in a manner required for a phone user – the sound’s purpose therefore transforms from one of aesthetics to one of functionality.  You begin to associate the ringtone sound not with the effect that the sound produces in its own right, but with the higher state of alertness that you need in order to answer your phone before the call diverts to your messaging service.  Eventually this association becomes so deeply ingrained that it transcends conscious thought – the first few notes of the ringtone become an aspect of subconscious memory that upon detection gives your brain a slight unpleasant flinch that jolts you from a relaxed state into immediate alertness.  Honey Finger 6 decided that it would be a great, absolutely wonderful and oh-so-witty idea to give you this slight unpleasant jolting sensation at the start of each verse of their song, by incorporating an annoyingly common ringtone that we’ve all heard on our own phones or on our friend’s phones directly into the song itself.  What a bunch of cunts.  The only thing that could be higher on the subconscious irritation scale is if they did the same thing with a digital alarm clock like that fucking annoying Laurie Anderson song.  I’m including them on this list as an example in the hope that they and all other k-pop artists who might happen to chance upon this post learn their lesson and never do anything this fucked to people’s brains ever again.  Fucking assholes.

4. Switch – 39°c

It’s said that sexy k-pop girl concepts sell, and there’s no denying that they at least have given some otherwise destined-to-be-ignored groups a solid leg up this year.  However the girls from 2014 nugus Switch could have participated in a hardcore porn video concept and blurted out the syllables to “39°c” in between slobbering on dicks and taking cumshots to the face and it probably still wouldn’t have helped this song make a dent on the charts.  I’m not entirely convinced that shooting a porno MV to this wasn’t the initial plan anyway – pornographic videos always seem to lack decent audio quality, and so does this song.  You always have to turn up the volume really loud on a porno to hear the mumbling, badly-recorded scene-setting dialogue (often the most entertaining part of the film), but once the girls start accepting thick veiny cocks inside their buttholes you’re swinging that volume control right back down to the lowest setting so you don’t have to hear the tediously overacted “ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh!” from the female performers at eardrum-perforating, neighbour-alerting levels.  The chorus to this song has a very similar “ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh!” refrain which is about as pleasant to experience as herpes simplex but nowhere near as catchy, and the rest of the song is a mess of keyboard notes more random and less pleasant than this hedgehog running across a piano, combined with out-of-sync mumbling and tuneless warbles.  Also, when a “sexy concept” song actually starts off with the word “sexy” mouthed in awkward “sexy” fashion, you know that it’s just not working out the way that it should because if you’re actually being sexy it should be self-evident and you shouldn’t need to ponce around going “look how sexy I’m being!” which is self-conscious behaviour that’s in fact the very opposite of sexiness.  At least the girls look good, so in another similarity with adult video this MV is best enjoyed with the sound down.

3. Zan Zan – Chicken Feet

This video from Chrome Entertainment, home of Crayon Pop, kicks off with one of the guys in Zan Zan crying.  Then it cuts to a girl, and she’s also crying.  Then later on in the song it cuts back to the guy and he’s crying some more.  Then the other guy in the group starts crying.  Then I started crying, because I realised that I was wasting precious seconds of my life listening to one of the worst k-pop songs of all time.  Then I thought to myself that maybe these people were crying for the same reason that I was crying, and maybe they didn’t want to listen to this trash either.  I can’t really blame the group for this sleepy-time caterwauling R&B shitbird, and here’s why: the guys from Zan Zan are both dressed up like 80s rappers yet the music sounds like Barry Manilow at half speed, which is such an incongruous combination mismatch that it makes me think that it’s not their fault and that somebody at the label has pulled the rug out from under them.  Here’s how it probably went down, from what I can tell by looking at this video:

“Yeah, bring your rap swag gear, we’re gonna shoot a hardcore hip-hop video, there’ll be great old-school beats, pretty girls in bikinis and free barbeque”, the manager at Chrome Entertainment said over the phone to the Zan Zan boys.

“Sure, we’ll be there with our cool RUN-DMC chains and black hats!  Let’s debut with something special!  Hip hop forever!”, they replied enthusiastically.

Then they drove to the shoot and were met by Choa with an apron and a sad look on her face.  “Sorry, guys – the company changed their mind, you have to sing this soppy ballad full of suck, is that okay?  The bikini girls all went home too because the weather got all overcast and cold.  Hey, at least I saved you some barbequed chicken!”

The Zan Zan boys immediately start crying.  Choa sees their reaction and starts feeling glum.  “Hey, don’t be like that… why are you crying?  My cooking’s not that bad, is it?”

One of the Zan Zans puts her arm around Choa to console her.  “Sorry… it’s not you… we were just expecting to debut with a good song that people actually wanted to listen to, and instead we get this trash.  Our company just crushed our dreams, nobody is going to like this.”

“Hey, Chrome are alright!  Don’t be so mean!”, Choa scorns.

“That’s easy for you to say, Choa.  You got to debut with ‘Bing Bing‘.  If only we had a song that good…” …his voice trails off into tears.

“Oh, don’t worry”, Choa replied sympathetically, perking up a bit.  “Korea’s taste in music is complete dogshit – remember how hard Bing Bing flopped when it came out?  We couldn’t even get on music shows for months!  Knowing Korea, your crappy ballad will probably be a surprise hit!  Here, have a barbequed chicken foot, it’ll cheer you up.  Crunchy.”

2. Skrillex, Diplo, G-Dragon & CL – Dirty Vibe

It’s official – in 2014 dubstep was out, and trap was in – so much so that even dubcrap architect Skrillex couldn’t be bothered making his dubshit anymore.  Trap is rap music’s unwelcome smelly friend that nobody invited to the party, pissing in the punchbowl, and nobody invited Skrillex to start making trap and especially not collaborate with anyone at YG.  This song is so terrible that I couldn’t even be bothered talking about it that much, and its worthlessness should be self-evident anyway, so instead I’ll hand it over to some random YouTube comments:

What I find funny is that I was expecting to see a lot of Skrillex fans or western music fans bashing this song, MV, GD and CL but after reading the comments….it’s the opposite. Skrillex fans and western music fans seem to really enjoy this song and MV but many kpoppers are bashing it.

That’s because Skrillex fans are used to listening to complete fucking random computer asslick masquerading as an actual song because that’s what Skrillex has been doing for years.  K-pop fans on the other hand know that pop music can sometimes be listenable and therefore they occasionally expect some vague form of quality.

NEWS FLASH FOR ALL THE “DISAPPOINTED” KPOP FANS!~
This is NOT Kpop. Therefore if you were coming here expecting GD and CL’s usual. I’m sorry to let you know, but this is not it. So stop getting butt-hurt.

Translation: I’m a YG fangirl and even I admit that this is garbage.

You kpoppers get so fucking butthurt when people go on your oppar’s or unnir’s videos and talk shit, but here you are, doing the exact same thing. GROW A PAIR AND LEAVE NEVERLAND. And if you don’t understand what that means, GROW UP. If you don’t like the song, you should leave without INSULTING anyone. This is not a kpop song, THIS IS SKRILLEX. You can’t expect this to be your usual kpop song.
Sometimes, I don’t want to admit I’m a kpopper with all the likes of you immature little ones.

Translation: I’m a YG and a Skrillex fangirl and even I admit that this is garbage.

I’m laughing at the line of argument YG fans are taking with defending their artists’ inclusion in “Dirty Vibe”, saying that it’s not really k-pop and that their faves didn’t have any say in it.  I didn’t see anybody trotting out the “it’s not k-pop because a foreigner wrote it” argument when SM used Swedish songwriters to craft hits for SNSD, f(x) and EXO.  Also never mind that whether they wrote bits of the song or not, both G-D and CL were obviously quite on board with the idea of being in a Skrillex song in the first place, obviously knowing full well in advance how bad Skrillex sounds, and thus showing total lack of musical taste and discernment, so they’re still partly to blame for this shit.  Anything for those American bucks I guess… but it’s interesting to me to see the fan reaction, because usually YG fans are championing their faves’ artistic abilities and creative input as much as possible e.g “I know Teddy writes 95% of the songs for 2NE1 but CL wrote some raps and some music on the Crush album, wow she’s so talented!” “YG give their artists so much freedom to create!” etc etc – but now this piece of shit has come out the tables have definitely turned.  Now it’s all “nope, my Queen CL had nothing to do with this, she just rapped what Skrillex said, nope this isn’t G-D’s fault, he’s got nothing to do with this at all in any way shape or form whatsoever, nope YG had no hand in this it’s 100% Skrillex, nope nope nope don’t blame my bias oh please for the love of god don’t blame my bias” – if this isn’t the sign of a true stinker of a song I don’t know what is.   I know you probably all think I’m just a YG hater, but think about it: Skrillex won’t even list this song publicly on this YouTube channel… when Kpopalypse, YG fans, Skrillex fans and even Skrillex himself are all united in their opinion that nobody should ever hear this trash, maybe they’re onto something, and maybe you should take heed.  Just a thought.

It was a tough competition but the #1 spot for the worst k-pop song of 2014 according to Kpopalypse goes to:

1. g.o.d – Wind

The music industry, like all creative industries, attracts a lot of people from all walks of life and many different cultures and sexual persuasions.  For anybody who doesn’t feel like they fit into mainstream society for whatever reason, creative industries offer them an opportunity for expression and not having to work a regular 9-5 job so you meet a lot of folks who don’t play by society’s rules.  A long time ago I was over at the house of just such an individual, a drummer who was struggling to perfect his craft so he could one day “make it” in the industry.  He has what I call “perfectionist procrastinator syndrome”, a mild form of musical autism where someone is perfectly capable at their craft of choice but they’re afraid of success and getting out there so they retreat into this idea that they just need more practice first.  They’ll practice their instrument to death and get super-good but if you try and say “hey let’s start a band!” they’ll reply “no way… I’m not good enough yet” even if they’re already twice as good as anybody you’ve ever heard.  Anyway, one day I was over at his house in his practice room.  It was a really impressive room, with a big drumkit and cymbals and drumsticks lining the walls.  Every time he broke a cymbal,a drum skin or a drumstick he’d add it to the wall display, and since he practiced constantly he was always breaking them so he had quite an impressive collection of wall-mounted broken shit.  We were having a chat about music and then suddenly he got all deep and meaningful on me.

“Hey I’ve got something that I’ve been meaning to tell you, it’s important.” he said, with an earnest look in his eye.

“What, you’ve finally started drumming in a fucking band?  Congratulations, about time!”

“No, no…” he replied quickly “It’s not that.  Wow, I’m not ready for that yet.  It’s something else.”

“Oh, so you’re gay then.  Okay, whatever.”  I replied.

His eyes widened in astonishment.  “How did you know?”

I probably couldn’t help an eye-roll at this point.  “Dude, do you know how many gay people I know?  People come out me every other week.”

“I was worried that you’d hate me or something.”

“As far as I’m concerned it’s a good thing – it means less competition for the girls that I like.  Every guy should be gay except for me, that’d make my life very easy.  I should introduce you to some of my straight male friends and you should try to convert them, because they keep hitting onto the girls that I like, it’s annoying.”  He laughed, he was relieved at my reaction… but I was curious about something.  “So how did you find out you were gay, anyway?”

“Years ago, I started shoving drumsticks up my ass.”

“How did that come about?”

“Well, you know… when you’re masturbating, you experiment.  I was worried about pain but heard that it felt good so I started off just putting it in an inch, and that felt alright, so then I tried putting it in a little further and that felt really good, and then I thought that maybe I’d prefer a dick up there instead, so…”

“Okay, that’s probably enough information.” I said, quickly cutting him off.  I looked around the room at the drumsticks on the walls.  “Am I looking at your sex toy collection?  How many of these sticks have been up your ass?”

“Oh, none, don’t worry.  I have special sticks stashed away for those.”

“Special sticks?”

“Yeah.  What I found out was that it feels a bit better if the drumstick has a bit of an uneven surface.  If I practice rimtaps on the snare drum, after a while the stick develops little ridges along the flat surface and once a stick is sufficiently ‘notched’ I stop drumming with it and add it to the special collection instead.”

For those of you unfamiliar with drumming jargon, a “rimtap” isn’t anal sex jargon, but is when instead of hitting the snare drum on the skin, you bring the side of the stick down onto the edge of the drum (demonstrated at 3:00 here).  It makes a wooden ticking noise, and this is often used in slow ballads and quiet sections when an actual snare drum noise would be considered too powerful and dominating in the mix.

There was just one more thing that I was curious about.  “How long does a stick take to get sufficiently dented before it qualifies for the special collection?”, I asked.

“Oh, when I rimtap I tend to do it pretty hard, so just a few runs through one song is usually enough especially if you’ve got a slow song with the powerful glam-rock style rimtaps, I like to slam those down with a lot of force.  You definitely don’t want to get the stick too dented though because it can splinter, and wood splinters in your anus are really painful, I found that one out the hard way.”

I’m not in touch with this person anymore, but if I was, I would have directed him to g.o.d’s awful, sentimental ballad from the pits of hell “Wind”, for sure.  Not only do the group utilise the aforementioned glam-rock style rimtaps heavily through the entire song, but in a neat coincidental touch they even wear the same style of cutoff leather jackets that he used to wear.  He could have used it as the perfect song to prepare his sticks for ‘later use’.  The only question is – would listening to this trash for long enough to tap along and get a drumstick into the desired condition be more painful than having a wooden splinter lodged in your colon from shoving a drumstick up your ass that had been ‘tapped’ too much?  As I can no longer reach this individual, I need your help.  Anybody who has experienced the pain of such an incident, please answer this important question in the comments below, because I don’t want any of you getting curious and experimenting with anal splinters deliberately because that would be potentially very dangerous and non-OH&S compliant.  Also please don’t listen to g.o.d because it could be potentially just as painful for all we know, the embedded YouTube video above is only so you know for sure that this song really exists, you’re not supposed to actually click on it and watch any of it.  It’s a dreadful travesty of a song from an old k-pop group that should have stayed in the past, so please be careful.  Kpopalypse wishes that all readers both fap and listen to music safely and do not do any of the things described in the story above.  This has been a Kpopalypse Community Service Announcement.

So that’s it!  I hope you enjoyed this list!  And if not, Seunghee can help:

Leave a comment below extrapolating on your incredible butthurt and she’ll make sure to document your concerns thoroughly… your whining may then appear later in a future Kpopalypse blog, and ultra-E-stardom will be yours!  Your comment could potentially change everything!  Or maybe it’ll be ignored completely – you won’t know until you try!  See you in 2015, folks!

Welcome to Kpopalypse’s 2014 favourite k-pop songs list!  It’s time once again to run through my best songs of the previous 12 months!  Although k-pop’s first Golden Age is definitely over and 2014 was honestly pretty meh overall, it still had some jewels to be found and here they are.  Get ready to listen to some songs that I believe don’t suck… and hopefully you’ll also find out about a few that have so far flown under your radar!

Rules for list eligibility:

• Must be a feature track – no MV is okay, but if not, must at least have been promoted on music shows.  After all k-pop is a visual experience as much as it is an auditory one.
• As long as someone in the Korean music system is involved somehow, it counts as k-pop.
• No Christmas songs, they have their own special blog (with one notable exception made as it isn’t really a Christmas song due to the timing of its release and the context, more on that later)
• No songs for sporting events, as they all suck
• No songs from OSTs unless they also had separate completely unrelated MV or promotions.

Other things:

• These are my opinions.  Your own opinions will probably be different.
• No I’m not trolling you or clickbaiting you.  These ARE my opinions.
• If this list is too feel-good and nice for you, there is also my worst of 2014 list which should meet required hate-standards.
• I’ve never claimed that my opinions are superior to anybody else’s for any reason because they are not.  People like different music because all music is processed through the brain and each brain perceives music differently.  This is just a run-down of how I perceive things for your entertainment purposes.  So take what you read with a grain of salt and try not to cry about it.

I’m sure the biggest whiners probably won’t even read any of this preamble anyway and will go straight to the comments and be all like “why didn’t you include [insert song here]” so without further ado let’s get started!

30. Luluz – How About Me?

Let’s start off the list with a Kpopalypse tradition – highlighting nugus that nobody gives a fuck about.  Not only is this shot in the same run-down theme park that many nugu groups use these days when they’re watching their purse-strings, but they’ve got that weird-looking girl in them who was booted out of that other nugu group Badkiz, presumably for exceeding nugu quota.  This song would have easily qualified for the next Nugu Alert series but it’s too close to the end of the year so fuck it, it can go on this list instead.  So what’s so good about this song?  Well, it draws heavily on Van Halen’s great “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love” in the verses and some other 80s pop song that I can’t remember right now in the excellent breakdown at 2:24 which is probably one of k-pop’s best breakdowns ever but it’s all sung by moderately attractive women who are pleasant to look at rather than a bunch of sweaty lycra-clad 80’s hair-rockers.  The other parts of the song aren’t quite so great but the better sections mentioned above are still enough to scrape this song over the line to get it into this list.  It’s been that kind of a year.

29. Mamamoo – Piano Man

Mamamoo were a new 2014 group that I had no hopes for at all, as they’d been releasing nothing but utter shit all year.  “Mr. Ambiguous” was unambiguously fucking boring, that song of theirs with K.will just made me want to say “k, won’t”, their album tracks all sucked penis and worst of all was that stupid horrible R&B nonsense that they did with Bumkey.  I guess the girls didn’t have enough money to pay for the meth on the spot so he demanded that they compensate for the shortfall by warbling all over his awful backing track.  Then “Piano Man” came out and I quickly fell out of my chair when I realised that it didn’t felch colons and was actually quite rocking.  Maybe Bumkey did the right thing and passed some of the crystal meth onto Mamamoo’s producers because finally they’ve perked up a bit and produced something with a bit of a decent beat to it and that breaks away from the blues and R&B nobody wants to hear.  If this is what distributing a bit of drugs around the k-pop scene can do, then I approve.  Let’s hope Bumkey gets a suspended sentence so he can go and visit Brave Brothers and get them all fucked up on E so we can have a decent 2015.

28. Epik High – Born Hater

Oh look, YG artists CAN still release good music!  Amazing!  What’s Epik High’s secret to evading the rampant shit music disease that has seemingly infected the entire surface area of YG Entertainment HQ lately?  Well, it’s probably got something to do with YG’s CEO Yang Hyun Suk not allowing Epik High to work in the in-house studio, because he didn’t want them getting influenced by all the other lame-ass music floating around there and thus having them sound too much like the rest of the bullshit on his label.  Smart thinking for sure!  Strict quarantine of Epik High’s musical ideas has kept them safe, allowing them to produce something that sounds almost exactly like an actual rap song without the likes of G-Dragon breaking down the studio door, offering everyone reefers and suggesting that they swag it up a little with godawful trap beats and corny catchphrases.  YG’s new quarantine policy is such a good idea that I’m thinking maybe they can repeat it with some of their other artists, using a process of elimination to narrow down and isolate the source of the trendy bullshit infecting their label’s core sound so they can remove it for good.  Just the fact that the CEO came up with this idea in the first place shows that at least he acknowledges that the problem with YG sucking lately exists, which is an encouraging sign.  There is hope, k-pop fans!

27. AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Like A Cat

Speaking of which, Brave Brothers produced not one but two great songs for AOA this year (plus one forgettable song, the dull “Short Hair“), and I agonised over which one was going to end up in this list.  In the final analysis I think that “Like A Cat” is a slightly better song than “Miniskirt“, and I feel this way for the following reasons:

• Vuvuzelas annoy people which I think is funny
• Jimin says “hey” a lot louder
• The syncopation on “the pretty girls are AOA” is cool, and that whole spoken intro is corny and hilariously awesome
• Jimin meows, it sounds silly but I like it because I know it annoys others (you’ll find that me liking things that irritate other people is a recurring theme in this post in general)
• A little more sonically harsh and wall-of-noise than the usual Bravesound production, not so fucking boring and smooth like every other piece of shit song this year, fuck all you dickheads who want music that’s “relaxing” and “soothing”, go fuck yourselves
• Jimin’s squeaky voice irritates the living shit out of people which makes me love her
• Jimin
• Jimin in general

Jimin musically carries AOA, they’d be nowhere without her, and it’s simply because she sounds different, it gives the group some character to make them stand out in a genre where everyone is trained to sound the same, look the same, dance the same, act the same.  You could have someone blindfold you and put on a bunch of k-pop songs that you’ve never heard before, and ask you to guess the groups – with a lot of them you’d probably have no clue but as soon as you hear one fucking syllable of that squeaky voice you’ll say “yep… I’m definitely listening to AOA”.  That kind of instant recognition is money in the bank and means 12957320 times more than “vocal talent” in terms of what actually matters to k-pop – catchy songs that build a brand identity.  It’s a pity that the rest of the song doesn’t live up to the bliss of the first 30 seconds and Jimin’s rap parts but it’s okay because I’ve got seven girls in catsuits to watch during the other bits and that pretty much takes up all my leftover critical faculties anyway.

26. T-ara N4 & Chopstick Brothers – Little Apple

Everybody loves to criticise CCM/MBK’s decisions as if listening to k-pop gives them a wealth of experience and wisdom in music management and creative entrepreneurship, but which one of you fucking self-appointed business experts noticed that T-ara were about the only k-pop group to NOT have a controversy in 2014?  Everyone else’s faves fell apart at the seams or went through some other major drama but the well-oiled T-ara machine kept right on chugging, debut line-up still intact years after every editorial predicted disbandment, releasing songs and touring around Asia… oh and releasing “Little Apple” with Chopstick Brothers as the first step in their multi-million dollar Chinese enterprise after Chinese fans warmed so much to “Number Nine” and “Sugar Free” that they became impossible to justify ignoring.  The song is far from T-ara’s best, but given that the bar is set so high quality-wise with T-ara songs generally, that’s no surprise.  It’s still got all the typical elements that make T-ara’s best feature tracks work (upbeat disco feel, multi-layered melodies, succinct arrangement, lack of trendy bullshit, T-ara being hot) and it still kicked the shit out of 99% of other k-pop this year.

25. Pritz – Sorasora

Unlike pop groups who aim to be polite and liked by as many people as possible, metal artists thrive on offending overly sensitive fuckheads, and are generally happy to exist with just a cult following that understands their mission rather than trying to resemble a dollar bill that is made to be liked by everybody.  Whether Pritz is a pop or a metal artist sonically could be debated, but at least on an ideological level the answer lies in how their agency reacted to people whining about their super-cute pseudo-Nazi doll concept – a very polite “go fuck yourselves, we’ll do as we please“.  This puts Pritz squarely in the “metal” camp conceptually, and that’s a good thing because what the k-pop scene definitely needs are more groups and agencies with a “fuck what you think” metal mental attitude.  Pritz are therefore already in the good books with Kpopalypse before I’ve even factored into the equation a single note of their music, but the fact that “Sorasora” looks and sounds like J-gimmick Babymetal but with a focus on catchier tunes instead of schizophrenic genre-hopping and sung by women of actual fappable age means that this is a group I have no choice but to support.  The reactions to them are hilarious – Babymetal haters hate them because they sound like Babymetal, the Babymetal fans hate them also because they sound like Babymetal, and everyone else hates them because they can’t admit to themselves that Nazi fashion is hot.  Go, girls!  Extract those netizen tears, I think you’ll find it’s not too difficult!

24.  Stellar – Marionette

In today’s world true political power is minimal, concepts like “left” and “right” no longer have any real meaning, and global commerce is now the real democracy.  This means that if you like something, get behind it and vote for it with your dollar, because every time that you spend money you’re enabling more of what you’re spending on and less of what you’re not spending on.  If everybody who was concerned about Apple’s shitty iPhone factories didn’t buy an iPhone but bought phones only from we-treat-our-employees-fairly-r-us, there would be no more demand for the Apple product and their factories would close down.  By spending or withholding money, you’re making a tangible difference to society and casting your vote for the kind of world that you want to live in.  As for the world that I want to live in, it’s definitely one where there are more songs and music videos like Stellar’s “Marionette”, so I made damn sure that I went out and got my autographed copy of their excellent Sweetune-produced mini album as soon as possible, because I wanted to send a message to the k-pop industry – keep making more shit like this.  You don’t need me to tell you how great this song is because you’ve already listened to it 21096 times while fapping to the excellent video (or complaining about other people fapping to the excellent video) so let’s just move on.

23. Kemy & Minju (A.KOR) – And Go

How To Save Worthless Shitty Western Rap Music Forever:

• Locate awful western rap song with a good beat and nothing else going for it.
• Remove L’il Wayne.
• Remove any other assholes.
• Remove the shit chorus, rap music doesn’t need lame sing-songy bullshit choruses, rap needs to GO HARD OR GO HOME.
• Add a couple of hot k-pop girls who can rap, change the lyrics to suit them.
• NO!  Not her.  Can’t you read?  HOT k-pop girls who CAN rap.
• Ah, that’s better.
• Repeat as necessary.

You could say it’s not k-pop and not eligible for this list because they’re just rapping over a western beat, but most SM groups spend most of their time singing over a bunch of European-made backing tracks these days so I don’t see how this is any different.  I played Kemy and Minju’s mixtape raps more than just about any other rap shit this year, and that was before I found out about Kemy pissing off Blackjacks which only made me like her more even though I disagreed with her anti-drug stance.  It’s a pity nothing Kemy or A.KOR have done since has come even close to this yet, and it’s also a pity Minju hasn’t done any solo rap stuff because she’s the hot one and I would appreciate some more fanservice.  Give these two girls a full rap album already… or just tell me where I can get this mixtape if it’s got a dozen tracks like this on it.

22. Lovelyz – Candy Jelly Love

Speaking of Park Drugs, it’s fairly obvious that “Candy Jelly Love” is a shady reference to Bommie Realdoll smuggling drugs inside her jelly sandwiches, but that’s not actually the best thing about Lovelyz’ debut song.  Nor was it Seo Jisoo’s iconic “you’re the best ever cum in my life” line, the subtle jizz references elsewhere throughout the Korean lyrics, or even the obviously fake but completely hilarious Jisoo rumours (you’d think k-pop fans would be used to this shit by now and be able to pick fabricated evidence a mile away but nope, they’re still dumb as fuck).  The best thing about “Candy Jelly Love” was the music, which completely nailed the sound of the melancholy 80s British synthpop groups that pop songwriters from just about everywhere have been trying and dismally failing to recapture the spirit of for decades.  These influences sailed right past dipshit k-pop fans undetected, many of whom rushed to accuse Lovelyz of copying SNSD and Apink, but the overall sound plus the video’s randomness and artsy still-life vibe seems more to me like a nod to New Order’s “Blue Monday“, except that the New Order members probably wouldn’t look this hot dancing in school uniforms.

21. 100% – Beat

Now that BigBang don’t want to be BigBang anymore because G-Dragon’s too busy running around being a swag-prince to write an actual song these days, someone’s gotta fill the gap and 100% look like a strong contender.  They’ve got everything that a k-pop boy band needs: silly leather outfits, weird metal arm and leg guards, makeup, strange geometric sets, makeup, silly hair, energetic dance moves and makeup.  Pity they’re still somewhat in nugu land but the song is pretty damn good as far as epic k-pop anthems go and I really wish some girls were singing it instead of these skinny dudes so I could fap but I guess I’ll settle for it how it is because at least they’ve got a sexy female armguard-curator (or whatever the fuck she’s doing) in the MV.  Also, did you know that the mini album that this song comes from is called “Bang The Bush“?  Ladies, form an orderly queue, no shoving!  I moved them up a few places on this list for that title alone.

20. Yery Band – Romeo Mannequin

Here’s a song and a video that just about all of you fucking slept on, and you shouldn’t have because it fucking rocks – time to fucking catch up on what you fucking missed, you fucking fucks.  While you were all jerking yourselves off to other girl rockers doing some limp blues-rock or some other weak generic Nickelbackian bullshit, Yery Band were killing it and you were oblivious.  The video alone for this song is unbelievably great, with gory, artery-severing bone-snapping swordfighting fun that makes the action in T-ara’s epic and amazing “Day By Day/Sexy Love” drama double-MV look leaden and tame in comparison.  It’s easy to get carried away in the video and ignore the song itself, partly due to how great it is and partly due to the overbearing sound effects, but strip all that away and what you’re left with is Marilyn Manson’s “The Beautiful People” if the whole thing was taken apart and put back together again by someone with pop songwriting sensibilities who knew how to make music beyond pressing “go” on a sample-and-hold device.  Of course, most k-pop fans didn’t care about how great this song was because it wasn’t “soothing” or “relaxing” or whatever dicksucking bullshit pop music fans in 2014 seem to want a song to be but I liked it so fuck ‘em.

19. Purfles – 1,2,3

Purfles’ “1,2,3” got quite a bit of attention from avid nugu followers, some claiming it to be the nugu song of the year – I personally wouldn’t go that far, but it’s certainly got something about it that’s worth paying attention to.  Whether you like this song or not might depend a lot on whether you’re playing it through a speaker system capable of reproducing the sub-bass melodies in the chorus, because it’s the pedal-point of the static melody over a changing bassline that provides the hook, but if you can’t hear the bassline the “na na na na” bit on its own is boring as hell.  It probably wasn’t the best idea in the world to bury the catalyst for the catchiest part of the song in the below-80Hz sub-bass range given that most people these days listen to their favourite songs on tinny phone speakers that would struggle to reproduce it, but oh well.  This may not be my #1 song as far as overall song quality but it’s probably in the top five this year for subwoofer-wrecking.  Don’t ask me to make a top subwoofer-wreckers list by the way, I’ve had enough lists for a while.

18. Delight – Hate You

Delight’s songwriters finally learned something from last year’s great “Mega Yak” and that messy horrible “School Bell” song – namely, dubstep breakdowns fucking suck.  “Hate You” mercifully doesn’t have any of that bullshit and is therefore free to rock uninhibited by a sudden need to drop to half-time and start going WUBWUBWUBBZZZZZTWEUBWEUB for no reason other than that it’s trendy.  The result is a great upbeat dancefloor stomper, the sort of thing 2NE1 used to do well and nowadays refuse to even do at all lest they gain a new fan one day.  The part from 0:54 is just begging for Bom’s characteristic voice (which everybody loved when they first got into k-pop until they read endless Internet posts by vocalfag idiots giving superfluous technical reasons why they’re not “allowed” to like it) instead of generic k-pop nugu #572 but that’ll never happen because Teddy lost the fire to write songs this good when he cooled out the fiery passion of his burning loins inside Han Ye Seul’s gaping snatch.  Oh well, let’s hope Delight continue to exist and pump out more songs this good so we can have our 2NE1 cake and eat it too.  Also, who the fuck is that girl at 0:40?  She’s super-cute and I don’t remember her being in the group before this video came out, but maybe that’s the fault of styling, or maybe I’ve had one too many jelly sandwiches.

17.  Orange Caramel – My Copycat

A lot of people liked Orange Caramel’s “Catallena” and while it was definitely a good song, for my ear it was just a little bit too clever for its own good.  Rather than capitalising on Orange Caramel’s core strength which is upping the ante on SAW-style catchiness, “Catallena” was pitched just a little left-of-center to maximise appeal to stuffy music critics rather than actual pop music fans.  On “My Copycat” the balance was firmly restored in favour of addictive melody and fun, with a great dance rhythm and a saxophone riff that you will probably remember in ten years.  I was literally jumping up and down in my seat when I first clicked on this going “ORANGE CARAMEL ARE BACK AGAIN FUCK YES” because after that horrid j-turd that emerged from their collective anal rings last year I had nearly completely lost my faith that they would ever consistently be this awesome again.  How foolish of me to worry, I shall proceed to my nearest church of Rainaism, kneel and do ten Hail Rainas.

16.  The Seeya – Tell Me

It’s no secret that CCM/MBK have been retreading what I like to call the “We Were In Love” template with all of their artists, with only the most minor of variations.  However on try number 37 or whatever “Tell Me” is, they’ve finally perfected that song they’ve been trying to write for the past two years.  What sets this iteration of CCM Ballad 101 apart from the others (I’ll get into the habit of calling them MBK in 2015, honest) is that the backings are a lot lighter and breezier, not to mention faster.  If you’re going to play through a song every asshole has already heard before in a slightly different form 3 gazillion times you might as well do it quickly.  Also, there’s some nice acoustic guitar that recalls some of the fluid swing-jazz guitar work on IU’s “Modern Times” album, plus a great video with Kpopalypse bias-list approved Seunghee (also in the header picture for this list) cast as the slutty wench, always a good thing.  Her sluttiness is implied rather than stated outright but it’s k-pop so they can’t show too much – we all know she sucked that dude off about five minutes before he had the argument with that other woman.  The The Seeya girls (not a typo) look great too actually and this whole production just oozes the kind of style that only CCM/MBK/XYZ/whatever they’re calling themselves this week can consistently bring.

15.  912 Crew – Roller Skate

Regular Kpopalypse readers all knew that “Roller Skate” was going to be on this list ever since I featured it on Kpopalypse Nugu Alert, it was just a matter of how high it would get.  I owe the discovery of “Roller Skate” to one of my ask.fm anons and if any of you are wondering why I bore you all with that fucking thing, it’s because for every 5000 questions I get about the same couple dozen topics, someone throws me a video like this and I watch it and start fist-pumping the air as the pure awesomeness washes over me.  At that point endlessly typing out “no, I don’t like [insert shitty western pop artist here]”, “yes my girlfriend knows I have k-pop biases and fap”, “no I don’t want to have children”, “yes I like fapping what’s the big deal everybody does it”, “no of course I don’t like anime I’m over 6 years old” etc suddenly feels like it was all worthwhile.  “Roller Skate” is proof that you don’t need much of a budget to make a k-pop video if you’ve got a bit of imagination, personality, a sense of humour and a cool song and if you don’t mind too much if the results look a bit ragged.  It’s probably not good enough for the average k-pop fan spoiled on half-million dollar productions but I grew up from a punk and metal background where almost all the videos are this crappy, so I love it.  The whole package is awesome, simple and effective and most of all fun.  These five people are probably having more fun in this video than every oh-so-serious k-pop netizen put together ever experienced in their lifetime.  Also the girl is cute.  Just saying.

14.  Orange Caramel – Abing Abing

“Abing Abing” was a bolt out of the blue, it arrived with absolutely no fanfare at all from the agency, and proceeded to be the best thing Orange Caramel have done since “Magic Girl“.  “My Copycat” might have great sax riffs and a great beat but “Abing Abing” trumps it because it’s got superior vocal melodies and a better chorus which is more important for a pop song, plus more traditional electro SAW-style backing which is what Orange Caramel have always done best.  It’s also an advert for Baskin Robbins ice cream which I didn’t even know was a thing that existed until this song came out.  Now of course I have to eat it at every opportunity because idols make more money from endorsements than music sales so hopefully someone over at Harbour Town has noticed the influx of ice cream fans since this song came out, makes the connection and Raina gets a brownie point or something that she’ll later thank me for.  Also it’s fuckin’ hot where I live at this time of year and I could really go an ice cream right about now so that might also give this song a slight advantage in Kpopalypse chart positioning.

13.  M.O.A – Run For Your Dream

One of the most astounding achievements in k-pop nugudom, 2014 nugus M.O.A debuted with the completely hideous “I’ll Call Ya” and then instantly redeemed themselves with the amazing “Run For Your Dream”, a bizarre pop song with a progressive arrangement that does something incredible – it actually works (unlike many others).  The secret to having a progressive arrangement work well is that it actually has to progress, rather than regress, and “Run For Your Dream” always sounds like it’s building and going somewhere, right up until the orgasmic chorus at the end, with no gimmicky stylistic hiccups to completely kill the momentum.  Unfortunately, M.O.A as a group didn’t progress quite as well career-wise as this song does and have since disbanded, although some of the girls involved found their way into nugu fap group 4Ladies and are probably still running for their dreams as you read this… just with less clothing.

12.  Minx – Why Did You Come To My Home

“Why Did You Come To My Home” definitely shouldn’t work, but it does anyway.  It has an annoying YG-style intro thing, a dubstep breakdown and even irritating vocal wank at the end where one of the girls shows off her whistle register vocals as if anybody with a life gives two shits.  However it’s also got that killer chorus, which makes me forgive all its other sins and just goes to show the importance of a good chorus in these things.  Adding to the appeal are the cute 80s verse rap parts that are kind of like Wassup but with the swag-lite toned down to acceptable levels.  Then there’s one of the girls who looks a bit like Sulli from f(x), and given that Sulli’s interest in k-pop right now is probably hovering somewhere between “meh” and “cao ni ma”, it’s good to have a replacement idol to fetishise handy in case she bails completely.  Plus bonus points for how at 1:41 one of the girls is wearing orange Dead Kennedys socks and I’m just impressed that those are something that actually exists.  I wonder how Jello Biafra would look in those.  Anyway this song is basically 2NE1’s “Gotta Be You” in a parallel universe where it isn’t a complete piece of shit.

11.  Infinite – Back

Speaking of 2NE1 sucking (always a relevant topic) some of you may remember that in 2013 I singled out 2NE1’s “Missing You” as the complete pile of cow dung that it undoubtedly is.  This was a controversial selection – some of you had difficulty understanding why I felt that way and even suggested that I was just trying to be “edgy” or that I was clickbaiting 2NE1 fans by stating an opinion that nobody could possibly agree with, but a listen to Infinite’s “Back” should explain everything perfectly.  Both songs start off with a mellow, slow paced ballad-style intro, and both songs sound like they’re gradually going somewhere interesting.  However the payoff is very different in each case – while the chorus to “Missing You” is a giant snaky carrot-encrusted turd of a piano ballad gradually sliding out of Bom and CL’s gaping anuses directly into your ears, Infinite’s “Back” gets to about 1:38 and then fucking explodes in your face with a fast beat and great chorus melodies paired with an awesome keyboard riff vaguely reminiscent of “Sweet Child Of Mine” except better because it works its magic over more than just three fucking chords.  The idea is similar but the difference in execution is utterly massive.  I don’t know what’s so difficult to understand, it’s as if YG fans don’t remember the musical glory days of their own favourite groups and don’t want their music to be interesting and exciting and engaging and fun… oh wait, you guys actually liked “Eyes, Nose, Lips“, forget I said anything.  Anyway, back to “Back” and it’s easily Infinite’s best song ever and not many boy groups are ever going to get given anything this good to sing during their careers… but even if you hate the song and hate Infinite, you get to watch them get the shit beaten out of themselves in the video so there’s still a positive side.

10.  Badkiz – Ear Attack

I figured that I was probably going to like this in some way before I even clicked the video – any group with a name describing themselves as “bad” is already a welcome change from all the boring fucking goody-two-shoesness that goes on in k-pop before they’ve even done anything.  It makes me sick how fucking nice k-pop artists behave to everybody, especially people who don’t deserve niceness in any way, shape or form (netizens, the media, their own crazy fans, stupid people in general).  Most artists in other genres besides k-pop that I like are lucky to stay out of jail long enough to complete a tour, so even if the song was seriously knob-polishingly awful I can at least get behind a group full of self-proclaimed assholes.  The song being called “Ear Attack” was an even better sign, because k-pop doesn’t have enough music in it which actually attacks me instead of trying to lull me into a stupor like a parent trying to placate an emotionally underdeveloped infant that just crapped its pants into going to sleep in its own soiled nappy so mummy and daddy can get some fuck-time in.  The song thankfully delivered on this promise and then some, with a constant driving beat that doesn’t compromise for weak breakdowns, annoying (to others, not me) whistles and chants in the chorus and even a fun slap-happy video.  Best of all it’s by a nugu group nobody cares about so I can appreciate it without being swamped by any awful fanbases because there’s probably only about three fans of this group right now.

9.  Henry – Fantastic

Okay, so Super Junior M’s Henry may look like an Asian Rick Astley, but he’s got the songs that Super Junior themselves haven’t had in at least five years.  The intro to this may be the corniest shit this side of Chad Future but that’s only because Henry is in fact the man that Chad Future wants to be, however nobody’s ever going to write a song this good for Chad because any k-pop songwriter getting regular work would be crazy to give him something this good instead of their lazy offcuts.  K-pop as a whole is kind of like the shittiest music imaginable buffed and shined to perfection, proof that you can polish a turd once you get used to the smell, and this turd smells damn good with great melodies throughout and SAW’s hi-NRG sound pilfered extensively.  The only thing wrong with it is a crappy breakdown but then if the best k-pop feature track ever can have a shit breakdown two and a half minutes in that everyone hates, so can this.  Also, people say SM’s box videos are cheap and lazy but here’s more proof that those people are full of shit, when I look at the “Fantastic” video all I can see is the tons of money that’s obviously been spent.  I think that it would have easily cost them six digits just to build not one but two Deus Ex foyers in real life let alone the rest of the costs (and as usual with SM no it’s not CGI).  Then I looked at it closer and realised that the interiors are actually designed around different parts of the inside of a violin… come on SM, you’re just showing off now, stop that.  I wish SM would produce a lazy video for a change, it’d probably help the environment or something because I’m sure they just use sets like this for kindling once they’re done with them.

8.  Tahiti – Oppa, You’re Mine

Tahiti are one of the best groups in k-pop for sheer consistency of the songs that they get handed.  They honestly don’t have any shit feature tracks at all, but on the other hand nothing of theirs has stood out for me quite like this song before either.  It’s just a really catchy and slightly doo-wop inspired dance-pop number and those “ooo-oooo” parts on the way to the chorus are some of the sexiest backing vocals you could ever want in a k-pop song.  I don’t have a lot else to say about this great song except that ever since doing that Sarah Wolfgang interview all I can now think of when I watch this is what insane backbreaking work being in this (or indeed any) k-pop group must be.  No wonder Tahiti has a revolving-door membership, I wonder how long they can sustain themselves before they either fall apart or finally snag a hit, in the meantime I’ll definitely support this though.  I also support the MV’s excellent colour-matching styles – one colour at a time to figure out is good for colour-blind people like me, thanks Tahiti.

7.  Puer Kim – Manyo Maash

There was a rumour going around a while back that Quentin Tarantino was going to do a remake of Russ Meyer’s iconic badass 1960s boobsploitation flick “Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill!” and that he was going to cast pornstar Tera Patrick in the lead role.  I don’t think those rumours had much legitimacy unfortunately, but if he ever does consider such a move in the future, I think Mystic89 singer Puer Kim would be a superior casting choice.  Supposedly an “indie artist” (whatever that means in today’s age where even U2 and Radiohead can be called “indie” with a straight face – in k-pop I’m guessing it means that they’re allowed to eat red meat occasionally), I’m convinced that Puer Kim debuted just after I posted my first “big boobs in k-pop” list just to force me to make a sequel.  Not only does Puer Kim easily win the race for k-pop buxomness, she gets pretty close to the top of the musical tree too with this great, dark song which I think would sit equally well in the soundtrack for the same hypothetical Tarantino movie.  The video’s so-obvious-that-even-netizens-noticed shade of SM and YG’s high-gloss productions is the hilarious icing on the severely generous cake, and the only downside of Puer Kim’s debut is that now I have to piece my bias list back together.

6.  Tae Jin Ah – I Love You, Darling

This song didn’t get an MV because Tae Jin Ah is self-aware enough to realise that nobody wants to see his wrinkly sagging ass gyrating in a box, but it was a feature track that was promoted by Tae Jin Ah on music shows along with his awful duet with Rain, “LA Song“, so it qualifies for this list.  Another important qualifying factor is that the song is fucking cool as shit – trot music sounds like Chinese restaurant music often but not this time, there’s too much coolness going on here.  “I Love You, Darling” apparently gained some small virality with the Girls’ Generation fandom due to Sunny dancing stupidly to it while feeding her face in the SNSD dorms, (check the YouTube comments for this live clip) but looking at the guy he seems way too confident and self-assured to accept any help from some big-boobed k-pop girl to get things rolling.  Tae Jin Ah doesn’t give a shit that he’s old as fuck in an industry dominated by people less than half his age, and since Koreans have a huge “respect your elders” culture for some reason and a lot of k-pop fans like Korean culture, that means you should like this song.  It also means that because I’m also old as fuck you should all respect my opinion about everything on this list and if you don’t then you have to donate me your lunch money.  Do it, it’ll make you “more Korean”, I promise.

5.  f(x) – Red Light

Probably the most musically forward-thinking k-pop song ever at the time of writing, “Red Light” threw f(x) fans for such a curveball and gained such a negative reaction that myself and Anti Kpop-Fangirl felt compelled to spend the next six months telling all the other k-pop fans how wrong they were in the most offensive manner possible.  Often mistaken for a trap song, “Red Light” actually could best be described as “post-trap”, eschewing the 16-beat mechanical shuffle that defines trap but instead stealing its textures and marrying them to the rhythms of metal, while also adding f(x)’s usual monotonal bridge and chorus hooks and topping it off with enough subwoofer-wrecking sub-bass dives to prolapse Amber’s anus.  It’s just a pity that SM fucked up the visual side of things a bit, f(x)’s “dark” look really doesn’t suit them, and only Luna is styled flatteringly which I guess is at least a nice change as she’s usually the only one the stylists don’t give a fuck about.  No wonder Sulli didn’t give a cao ni ma about staying in this group a minute longer than she had to, but I don’t really give a shit because this rocks.

4.  T-ara – Sugar Free

Life must suck being a Korean netizen and a female k-pop fan who appreciates music simultaneously.  You’ve got T-ara’s “Sugar Free” on your phone playlist because it’s obviously the best T-ara song since Roly Poly, combining the newer signature T-ara dual-melodic chorus anthem assault with the sonic stylings of Absolute First Album.  However it’s not trendy to like k-pop’s reigning global EDM disco queens right now so you have to go incognito – you keep your love for “Sugar Free” hush-hush and make sure nobody’s looking at your phone screen when you play it.  You can’t keep it a secret forever though – one day someone grabs your earbuds out of your ears without warning just to fuck with you and as soon as they recognise the song you get swiftly ostracised and before you know it you’re the school bread shuttle.  The bullying gets intense with your former school friends getting you to buy them bread wrapped in T-ara merchandise just before class so you’re always late, forcing you to fap to a different T-ara member every day in the school toilets before class even though your heart belongs to Block B, making you sing to “Sugar Free” at the top of your lungs with your skirt around your knees and your bra on your head in the middle of the school oval while they throw rocks at you from the edge and try to hit you – life seems unbearable and each school day brings a new T-ara-related way for them to terrorise you.  Even the teachers can’t put a stop to it, one day the teacher decided to get to the bottom of the situation by confiscating everyone’s phones and going through them, she figured that whoever didn’t have “Sugar Free” in their music directory must be the anti T-ara bully… but the bitches who bullied you all secretly had T-ara on their playlists as well, so that didn’t help.    T-ara and the activities of your school peers start to blend and warp inside your own head, eventually it becomes impossible to separate the two, or to listen to T-ara without quivering and crying just out of knee-jerk reflex.  Oh well, maybe once you graduate high school you can run a netizen comment-translating site, inserting subtle editorial bias against T-ara here and there where you can.  That’ll show everyone who’s really in control, won’t it.  Won’t it?

3.  Berry Good – Love Letter

People are often asking me about early k-pop songs that I like and will I mention or list them somewhere, but honestly I haven’t done a “best of” list that goes back any further than 2008 simply because I could count all the decent k-pop songs that existed prior to then on one hand and still have enough fingers left to go bowling.  Click B’s “Love Letter” was however one of them, but now it’s completely redundant anyway as the team behind 2014 nugus Berry Good just made it a hell of a lot better.  Here’s how they did it:

• Someone removed the crap NKOTB-style late 80s keyboard stab bits
• They also got rid of the shitty guitar parts
• Berry Good are hot girls
• Berry Good are not Click B, who are fugly guys
• Cool arpeggiated keys and synths
• Look, another nugu group where one of the girls looks like Sulli holy fuck
• The video is pretty
• Better production on this version by a fucking mile
• Teddy bear has stitches across its skull like something out of a horror film
• Berry Good’s version has more random English words that will annoy uptight netizens
• Headbanging guitar-bunny at 1:28 rocks hard
• Tacit acknowledgement in the story that marriage is a boring time-wasting expensive wank
• Berry Good are female

Best of all, Berry Good shade the rubbish early k-pop artists by playing a bunch of vinyl at the start of the video that makes them so bored that they actually fall asleep on the fucking vinyl album sleeves.  They don’t like any of that bullshit any more than I do.

2. Year 7 Class 1 – Oppa Virus

Imagine if the people behind AKB48 actually had noteworthy songwriting skills and a song like “Heavy Rotation” actually rocked in a punk-rock-meets-“Jump“-era-Van-Halen kind of way instead of sounding like a children’s TV show theme sung by a bunch of JAV whores on a 15-minute break from catching jizz in fruit bowls.  Well, you don’t have to imagine it anymore because here it is courtesy of some more Korean nugus, Year 7 Class 1.  I’m not sure what’s with the weird group name but then to be honest I’m not entirely sure what’s with any k-pop group name, so I can deal with it.  I’m also not a fan of the terrifyingly ugly cheerleading costumes, cheerleading isn’t really much of a big thing in Australia so the catering to cheerleading fetishes is lost in translation and all I’m left with is a bunch of stupidly-patterned dresses in dumb colours.  However the school uniforms are cute and when the girls put their pom-poms behind their butts and bounce them for the “oppa” chorus line it’s an iconic moment in k-pop girl dance as fapworthy as T-ara’s “bunny twerk”.  If any already-established k-pop group got hold of this song it would be massive.  Calling it now – Year 7 Class 1 are going to have a breakthrough hit one day and get fucking huge.  Or maybe that’s just my optimism and they’ll end up slurping jizz in some back alley while the handicam rolls which means they’ll have something else in common with all those AKB48 girls.  Either way at least we have this song.

And the number one is…

1.  SoReal – My Heart Says

What the fuck.  What.  The.  Fuck.   What the fuck?  What the fuck is this song even doing here?  Did any of you pick this as my #1 song of the year?  I bet you didn’t – I sure as fucking fuck didn’t fucking anticipate this shit.  So what’s going on?

Let’s look firstly at all the reasons why mathematically I really should fucking hate this song.  Firstly, it’s a ballad so automatically it’s at a disadvantage right there.  Also it’s from a boy group, so there’s another disadvantage because it’s no secret that I prefer the girl groups musically.  Not just any boy group either but a nugu boy group specifically promoted as a “ballad group”.  If that’s not enough ways to lower the odds, the song was released in fucking March but they tacked an irrelevant Christmas intro onto it… and we all know how much I hate Christmas bullshit (although the Christmas shit here is actually more for MV plot reasons than actually celebrating Christmas so that’s why it doesn’t make the Christmas list, but it’s still annoying).  It’s like Star Empire wanted me to quit writing about k-pop so they deliberately formed a committee of important decision-making music-creation folks and sat around discussing ways that they could create a song that I would utterly despise, more than anything else released this year, and which would make me give up on the entire genre in disgust, then moved forward with SoReal as their bold action plan.  Then it was released and now it’s my favourite song of the year.  How did that happen?

As it happens, I like “My Heart Says” for similar reasons that I liked another controversial Kpopalypse #1 pick – Rania’s “Style“.  You see, the real reason why I hate k-pop ballads so much isn’t because I hate slow songs generally, but because k-pop producers have generally got no idea how to do a worthwhile slow song.  K-pop producers haven’t really mastered the art of dynamic subtlety, so they fill their ballads with all this overblown shit, usually ten gazillion layers of awful vocal so there’s never a quiet moment where a voice isn’t saying something.  A good ballad however needs good phrasing and dynamics, and “My Heart Says” and “Style” (even though the latter isn’t a ballad) have something in common – a spacious arrangement where occasionaly the layers drop out and there’s some stripped-back sound.  Eventually k-pop’s signature layering and overdubs do come in, but it doesn’t start that way, which means that the song has somewhere to go, this is important for dynamic progression.  On top of that the vocal melodies over this spacious arrangement are just very decent and there’s even vocal harmony.  When I first discovered k-pop I wondered why there weren’t more harmony vocals, after all if you’ve got between 4 and 9 singers in most groups, you might as well use them, right?  I’m sure fans of this group all stroke themselves off about who can sing better than who but that’s missing the point (as it always is whenever it comes to k-pop fans caring about vocal skill) – if they can’t sing it doesn’t matter, no singing talent whatsoever never stopped any of my punk bands from doing vocal harmonies, it’s actually easier to do harmonies together than a solo vocal because each voice supports the other (just like how not everyone in a choir needs to be a good singer).  SoReal gradually lay on the Queen-style harmony vocals and it really works nicely, it’s the perfect way to progress the song.  The delayed vocals in the chorus also kick much ass, and this whole song is full of this and other audio engineering smarts that keep a tight leash on the vocal histrionics when needed and help build the song in a sensible dynamic way.  The whole thing comes off like a modern juiced-up version of Australian group 1927’s hit “If I Could” with better writing, better melodies and better production.  In the meantime every other k-pop ballad is all about “Look at me!  Look how well I can sing!  Listen to my voice do this amazing note!  Did you hear that resonance?  Did you hear my vibrato?  Listen to it again!  And again!  Aren’t I so wonderful!  Aren’t I so technically brilliant!  Worship me!  Hang on… what was the song trying to say again… oh who cares, fuck how the song sounds, it doesn’t matter because it’s just a vehicle so I can showcase my AMAZING VOCALS, because it’s all about ME ME ME!” which is the cancerous disgusting trashy attitude that losers like Whitney Houston have brought to pop music and which awful idol TV shows worldwide continue to propagate.  This attitude is also what vocalfags love (vocalfags referring not to the singers themselves but to the fans who care excessively about vocal technique) but it’s the wrong attitude for creating good pop music and it needs to die if k-pop as a genre is to survive and flourish.

Pop fans brainwashed by decades of vocal competition shows don’t realise this, but the companies are all too aware that vocalfagging is the enemy of the catchy pop songs that give k-pop life.  In the above video, Lovelyz’ management are training the girls to not jerk off in the public’s faces with self-serving “look at me” ego-wank but to instead work together as a team and sing what’s right for the audience and the material.  If the girls fully take on board this attitude and the songwriters and audio engineers also come to the party with something that doesn’t suck, I predict solid ballads coming from the Lovelyz camp in the future.  In the meantime, we’ve got SoReal who have completely fucking nailed it with “My Heart Says”.  If only they were hot girls so I could fap, then it might just be not only the best k-pop song for 2014 but the best song in the fucking world.  Oh well.

Anyway that’s it for the 2014 favourites list!  I hope you all enjoyed enduring my music taste, and everything else that I’ve made you put up with throughout 2014!  Kpopalypse will return in 2015 with more stuff and things!

A lot of my readers for some weird reason seem to think that awards are terribly important, despite the fact that they’re obviously not.  But hey – logic and reasoning, fuck that, right?  So it’s in this spirit that I now bring to you the first annual…

Let’s roll out the red carpet and get this party started with nine important awards for achievement in various fields of k-pop!

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DIS TEAR” KOREAN NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Park Bom (2NE1) – smuggling some of that Candy Jelly Love and getting away with it

Sulli (f(x)) – has hiatus from f(x) to go nightclubbing, something 99.9% of netizens have never done

Taeyong (SM Rookie) – being a scumbag, agency says they will work to make him grow as an artist

T-ara – for doing nothing much except successfully getting on with business and being hated anyway

…and the winner is:

 T-ARA

As if I was going to give the first one of these awards to anybody else.  The reason why they win it is simple – they may not have generated the most Korean netizen tears this year, but unlike the other nominees, they didn’t actually do anything specific this year to generate any.  The true masters of making Korean netizens cry like dumb little bitches, T-ara no longer have to even try – all T-ara have to do to keep Korea’s precious crybabies on their keyboards complaining these days is to get up each morning and go to work.  Maybe not even that – just saying the name T-ara alone is enough to throw the Internet’s #1 spoiled little babies into a dummy-spitting nappy-soiling tizzy.

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKEY LIKEY DAT TEAR” GLOBAL K-POP NETIZEN TEAR EXTRACTION AND PRESERVATION AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Kemy (A.KOR) – calling out 2NE1’s Park Bom as a plastic surgery druggie shielded by her record label

Sulli (f(x)) – has hiatus from f(x) to go nightclubbing, are armchair stay-at-home fatties jealous much

Luhan (EXO) –  kicking sad EXO fans when they were down by leaving EXO right after Kris leaving EXO

Jessica – (Girl’s Generation) – leaving SNSD and turning the Divine Nine into The Hateful Eight

…and the winner is:

KEMY (A.KOR)

For all the other people listed, defenders of the individuals were as numerous as their haters, but nearly everyone hated Kemy for calling out Park Bom’s drug-smuggling ways in a rap, as well as taking shots at the power of YG Entertainment to keep her scandal covered up and minimise the impact to her career.

To top it all off, she delivered her rap verse with the kind of lyrical skill and wit that YG artists have always been hyped to have but almost never delivered.  While I think being an anti-drugs rapper kind of sucks, I think being a stupid YG fangirl sucks even more, so I’ll pick the lesser of the two evils and Kemy therefore gets my vote of support.

THE KPOPALYPSE “I LIKE DIS LIKE DAT YEAH” K-RAP CREDIBILITY AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Zico (Block B) – swearing a lot in a rap song and upsetting faggot bitches

Tymee – dissing Jolly.V on a track and then forgetting her lines onstage in a rap battle against her

Bobby (Ikon) – explaining how hip-hop is all about hanging out with your friends after not showering

Swings – for being Swings

…and the winner is:

BOBBY (IKON)

Here he is presumably after a basketball game which means that he’s very sweaty and probably hasn’t showered yet, which is very hip-hop.  Another hip-hop activity Bobby is known for is dissing idol rappers for being idol rappers when you’re an idol rapper yourself and therefore don’t have much of a (presumably sweaty and unwashed) leg to stand on.  At least Kemy probably isn’t a druggie (yet – give her a few years).  Anyway naturally Bobby got served.  Poor Bobby.

THE KPOPALYPSE “SHUBIDUBI SHALALALA URIDURI YAYAYAYA” CROSS-CULTURAL K-POP SENSITIVITY AWARD 2014

Nominees:

Pritz – wearing girly play-Nazi costumes and upsetting sensitive westerners

CL (2NE1) – sampling a miniscule portion of the Koran and upsetting sensitive easterners

Red Velvet – using WWII news clippings to highlight the pointlessness of war and upsetting sensitive Japanese, also Wendy bonus parodies

Zico (Block B) – swearing a lot in a rap song like every other rapper ever and upsetting faggot bitches

…and the winner is:

ZICO (BLOCK B)

As you can see, Zico was sure to fill his bathtub with cookies, because bathing in water makes you clean and that just isn’t hip-hop.  Zico knows what hip-hop is, and he also knows how to be an erudite, culturally aware person.

In “Tough Cookie” he gave a friendly and inclusive shout out to gay people and to females with his now-iconic “faggot bitch” line, and was also careful to showcase the US confederate flag (I didn’t even notice it but apparently it’s in the video somewhere) to generate awareness and discussion of US heritage, the American Civil War and black slavery among the k-pop community, which it definitely did.  Pity the song was offensive anyway just by virtue of being some atrocious disgusting trap-beat yoloturd, but at least he tried to be culturally sensitive to make up for the musical shortfall.  Isn’t that right, Netizenbuzz.

THE KPOPALYPSE “BO PEEP BO PEEP” AWARD FOR HIGHLIGHTING LACK OF K-POP FANGIRL CRITICAL THINKING 2014

Nominees:

Kim Hyun Joong (SS501) – beats up his partner, gets away with it, his fans rally behind him

Seo Jisoo (Lovelyz) – victimised with obviously fabricated “bully evidence“, everybody believes it anyway

Jessica (Girl’s Generation) – leaving SNSD which obviously means that she’s a selfish bitch

Sulli (f(x)) – has hiatus from f(x) to go nightclubbing, what a cao ni ma

…and the winner is:

KIM HYUN JOONG (SS501)

Look at that adorable smile, probably taken ten seconds before he smacked the shit out of the person behind the camera for not adjusting the focus properly.  This award represented the toughest competition of the lot (as fangirls aren’t too critical generally speaking) but Kim Hyun Joong proved that he has what it takes to rise above the competitors and come out on top, by being stanned and adored by fangirls even in the face of both a confession AND medical evidence that he beat his partner.  If you don’t believe me, go search for #kimhyunjoong on Twitter, right now.  Good luck finding anything negative.

THE KPOPALYPSE “C’MON C’MON MAKE IT, C’MON C’MON TAKE IT” AWARD FOR STUNNING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF K-POP GENDER RELATIONS 2014

Nominees:

Gain (Brown Eyed Girls) – for being “classy sexy” in a MV

Chaness – for being “classy sexy” in a MV

Kim Hyun Joong (SS501) – for being “classy sexy” in real life

Aron (NU’EST) – believes in the “bro code”

…and the winner is:

ARON (NU’EST)

Eww, Aron believes in the Bro Code.  That’s disgusting.  It’s also really unimportant.  So let’s use this space for something else.  Did you know that in the islands off the southwest coast of South Korea, there’s a roaring slave trade, and that homeless and intellectually disabled people are kidnapped and sent there to work on salt farms for 18 hours a day for little or no pay while they are living and sleeping in rags and often physically abused?  Plus the authorities know about it and don’t give a fuck because they’re mostly in on it and besides, nobody wants to deal with the responsibility of caring for disabled people?  Hey, Kpopalypse taught you stuff!  It’s better to learn new things than read about some idiot in Nu’est, right?

THE KPOPALYPSE “T-ARA LOVE” AWARD FOR THE 2014 K-POP GIRL GROUP DEBUT ABLE TO GENERATE THE MOST HATE FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON OTHER THAN BEING ATTRACTIVE FEMALES THAT OTHER LESS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES ARE JEALOUS OF

Nominees:

Red Velvet – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Pritz - supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Sonamoo – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

Lovelyz – supposedly hated for some scandals no-one cares about, but really hated because they dared to debut and show their faces

…and the winner is:

SONAMOO

Pritz were hated because of the Nazi cosplay thing, Lovelyz got hate because of buttplug-insertion-friendly bullying rumours, Red Velvet got hate because their video had references to Japanese being nuked and press clippings called them “nips”, but Sonamoo?  They’re getting hate because their lightstick is kind of like another group’s lightstick.  There’s only so many shapes that work for a lightstick and colours in the colour wheel, with literally hundreds of groups there’s gonna be some overlap, but these dumb fangirl bitches know this.  If there ever was a reason that screamed out “we just want an excuse – any excuse, just something, anything, so we can justify hating this new group of attractive girls” here it is.

THE KPOPALYPSE “BLING BLING JEWELRY CHAIN” 2014 AWARD FOR THE K-POP PERFORMER MOST WILLING TO GO THE EXTRA MILE TO PAY OFF THEIR TRAINEE DEBTS

Nominees:

Dahee (GLAM) – extortion of a celebrity for 5 billion won?  I like that.

Bumkey – meth and ecstasy dealing underneath the squeaky-clean surface of k-pop?  I’d just like to say that I called it.

Megan Lee – if you don’t like one contract, just sign a different one in another country!  All aboard for hyper-litigation madness.

Luhan (EXO) – meanwhile Luhan says “hey Megan stop stealing my ideas!“

…and the winner is:

DAHEE (GLAM)

Look, she’s making a grab for your cash, watch out!  Dahee had plans to extort the fuck out of actor Lee Byung Hun and then skip the country with 5 billion won (about 5 million US$) but instead she fucked up and got caught and apologised a dozen times… no, literally, a dozen times.  Maybe she figures that if one apology has got a one in a million chance of getting her off and getting some money eventually, twelve apologies has twelve times the chance.  I’m not sure if it actually works like that, but this girl’s determination to get hold of some dosh and wipe out that $250k trainee debt is certainly on another level.

THE KPOPALYPSE “IN MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS SEXY” AWARD FOR THE BEST UNDER-THE-RADAR OR “WHITE-COATER” SEXY CONCEPT IN 2014

Nominees:

Strawberry Milk for OK – what a cute concept, I’ll take four jugs today, thank you milkman

Lovelyz for Candy Jelly Love – it’s the best ever cum in my life

N.O.M for Nature Of Man – gay BDSM fetish club fashion pretending to be straight k-pop fashion so it can sneak under the MOGEF with a 15+ rating

Apink for LUV – they’ve never looked more fuckable, yet supposedly this is a “cute” concept

…and the winner is:

APINK

I’ve never been huge about any of the Apink girls, to the annoyance of my ask.fm anons who continue to ask me 76 questions about what I think of each of them daily – sorry but I delete most of those questions now because there’s only so many times I can type “meh”.  I’m also not wild about “Luv” as a song – it’s certainly okay, maybe a little above average for 2014 but nothing outstanding, certainly not the shot in the arm that Apink have always needed to propel them to SNSD-at-their-peak heights but never quite gotten from any songwriters since debut.  The video is something else though.

Same almost-upskirt angles as any AOA video, same short short skirts and pants too (AOA’s “miniskirts” are actually longer and show less skin!), same vaginal-lips-shade-of-pink porno-lipstick, but because they’ve got one or two extra frills on their clothing and the song is bouncy and bright this gets under the radar of fangirls as cute and non-threatening.  There’s even a scene in this at 1:04 where one of the girls jacks off her horny boyfriend on a park bench.  Also I like polka-dotted tops and cardigans on girls so this video really does it for me, I might start biasing some Apink girls yet if they keep this up.   Apink’s marketing is fucking genius, they know just what their male fans want to fap to.

Anyway, that’s it!  Hopefully you’ve enjoyed these awards.  I wrote this post because it was suggested a few times that I do something like this and I didn’t have any better ideas so fuck it.  Hopefully you were entertained and learned something, or fapped.  Kpopalypse will return soon with something completely different!

I while ago I made a bias list because everyone was always asking me what k-pop girls I liked, and why, so rather than explain who I liked and why I liked my favourites over and over, I could just lazily link people to the list which did all the explaining for me.  However, it’s been about a year since that list was made, and there have been new entrants into k-pop who have come to my attention, “got prettier” or otherwise met required standards.  As people constantly ask me about this shit, this means my existing bias list has become less and less useful over time.  Time to give the bias list a much-needed update, rejuggle and expansion!

Who will meet required standards?  Which new entrants will make it on?  Will any previous entrants be excluded?  Will people feel compelled to leave pointless comments below about how they disagree with my picks as if anyone really gives a shit what some random blogger asshole thinks are hot girls anyway?  Read on and find out as Kpopalypse reveals his top 10 biases!

THE KPOPALYPSE 2015 BIAS LIST

1. Raina (Orange Caramel/After School)

Raina’s recent preference for long dark hair and generally excellent styling in all her 2014 comebacks (all 26 of them) means that she is looking better than ever and retains her #1 spot despite stiff competition (insert pun about my stiff penis here).  She may or may not have “got prettier”, I can’t really tell… but she’s looking a lot more camera-friendly these days for whatever reason, so I calmly accept.

She even looked great in those crappy rap duets with Kanto and San E, where she got to wear cute preppy fashions that suit her instead of the weird fetish shit After School normally wear.

She’s still not as photogenic as other idols though, so because a moving Raina is always prettier than a still Raina, now you have a video of her singing a 2NE1 song from back when 2NE1 actually had songs and not whatever nonsense it is that they do now instead.

2. Eunjung (T-ara)

Eunjung also stepped up her hotness game, preserving her spot in the bias list against new entrants by consistently proving that she can look great in photos wearing just about any old crap (like the $10 secondhand op-shop detective coat above), which kind of makes her the opposite of Raina, yet still hot.

Eunjung is actually even able to make generic gym gear look good, without resorting to padding unlike her groupmates.

The whole of T-ara actually looked the best they have in years in the white top/red skirt combo that they had going on for their “Little Apple” performance on Music Core, a performance that shall go down in history for enhancing the Kpopalypse fap folder.  Anyway there’s enough examples of Eunjung being hot all over my blogging so I don’t need to drag this entry on any further, let’s move on.

3. Jaewon (Delight)

The first new entry on this list is Delight’s Jaewon, the nugu group’s new fifth member who was recently added presumably to enhance their fap quota.  It’s virtually impossible to find decent pictures anywhere of Jaewon, however notorious k-pop fancam maker Pharkil is picking up the shortfall – observe his high levels of determination to make high-quality Jaewon fancams!

Jaewon easily has what it takes to shoot directly to the upper echelons of the Kpopalypse bias list, and she could potentially ascend even higher if one day my faith in Rainaism is shaken by too many trips to the Gangnam clinic.  They both seem to have a similar face thing going on, and Jaewon to me looks like a cross between Raina, Seunghee and that cute girl you knew in high school who jerked you off behind the bike shed that one time.

Hani isn’t the only person who has Pharkil to thank for a quality-of-life boost – Pharkil, if you ever find yourself in Adelaide consider yourself invited to dinner by Kpopalypse for enhancing my appreciation of k-pop aesthetics.  I’m not as hot as Hani but I probably have a much larger porn collection, so bring a USB stick and I’ll make it worth your while.

4. The Three Caonimas: Sulli, Subin, Ji-u

Cao Ni Ma alert – the Chinese authorities have recently banned puns in a laughable attempt to crack down on use of the “grass mud horse” and several other terms that Chinese have been using to tell the authorities to fuck off with their stupid censorship already.

The pun ban is obviously a thinly-veiled targeted attempt to destroy the impact of brave anti-censorship crusader Sulli from f(x).  However, like any attempt to curtail free expression anywhere, if you attack freedom it doesn’t go away, it divides and retaliates!

Subin from Berry Good has more than a passing resemblance to Sulli and could easily be her little sister.  She’s even got Sulli’s hot asymetrical eye thing going on.

Then there’s Ji-u from Minx who also gets pretty damn close to Sulli-ness, especially in the “Why Did You Come To My Home” MV (she’s the one in the Coca-Cola top). Now the Chinese have three cao ni mas to contend with!

Even though Sulli is still the only one of these three that I fap to, until I learn how to tell them apart and more images and info are released, they can all occupy the same place on this list just as a “placeholder” type of thing, and for reference purposes to support future cao ni ma action.

5. Hong Jin Young

Trot singer Hong Jin Young is probably 57 kinds of nipped, tucked and sucked but I don’t really give a fuck how many jawshaves she got, I can still fap.

Little known trufax – Hong Jin Young is also queen of the “look no seatbelts” selca, she has tons of these photos inside various automobiles.  Here’s hoping she doesn’t faceplant on any asphalt anytime soon because that would be a sad tragedy plus a waste of valuable natural resources, mind you I think her boobs will protect her from the worst of the impact.

She can even make duckface work, which gives her one up on the likes of Lizzy.  How does she do it?  Maybe it’s because she’s also so brainy.

This chick has got a PhD in fap or some shit, fucking hell.  I’ve always liked smart girls – it doesn’t matter how much fucking you’re going to be doing with someone, you’re still going to be talking to them more than doing anything else so it’s important that a girl can hold her own in the important area of rubbing brain cells together to make a thought.  Even better if they wear hot glasses like in the above picture… but I wish her certificate wasn’t in the way.  Hong Jin Young I know you’re proud of your academic achievements but please, stop obstructing important areas.

6. Puer Kim

The average k-pop girl’s figure really isn’t something that I’m into.  Most of my bias list is made up of people who got in just because their face was super-cute.  Puer Kim is the exception that proves the rule – her face might look like Sistar’s Soyou after she ate a bag of lemons in half of her pics but I don’t care because that body…

This is they type of body that I like, not Hani, Dahye or whatever most other k-pop fans seem to be into.  Call the fucking alphabet doctor because your bias has just been out-S-lined.

The only problem with Puer Kim is that there really aren’t enough pictures of her, pretty much every single good one I’ve already used in other posts.  She really needs to pimp out that figure more.  Well, okay, she doesn’t need to do jack shit, but I’d certainly like it if she did.

7. Seunghee

Another great MBK hiring, those upset at the disbandment of F-ve Dolls should not worry for Seunghee as she is still being given plenty of work to do, playing the “token hot chick” in just about every second MBK music video that comes out these days.  Just as well for me too.

Fans can rest assured that MBK isn’t going to leave someone this hot on the shelf, you’ll be seeing a lot more of Seunghee should she choose to continue her career.  I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she turned up in a new MBK group, this should hopefully annoy insecure netizens almost as much as T-ara does.

Seunghee is going to make a lot of fangirls cry and a lot of guys fap in the near future.  You heard it here first.  Go suck a lemon lollipop if you can’t handle it.

8. Sunny (Girls’ Generation)

Sunny is still as hot as ever plus she is rocking more and more sexy resting bitchface these days, and I approve.  Maybe all that fuck-around with Jessica has finally gotten to her and wiped away the veneer of fake-ass emotional labour, leaving behind the slutty bitchy sexy boobalicious core.

I can see it in her eyes, I think some kind of switch has gone off inside her head and she now gives less fucks than usual about many different types of idol bullshit.  As a firm advocate of giving less fucks about all sorts of shit in general, I can only applaud this.

Notice how there are eight objects in the tray, not nine.  I bet you didn’t even notice this subtle Jessica shade because you were too busy trying to make out the contour of her boobs.  So was I – no wonder the Jessica thing got us all by surprise.  I think that Sunny could deal drugs openly in broad daylight and nobody could notice because we’d all be looking at her tits.  Thus by highlighting the power of boobs her place in the Kpopalypse bias list is assured.

9. Qri (T-ara)

When I was searching up Qri (aka Seunghee 1.0) images for this post I accidentally put the “I” and the “R” the wrong way around in the search bar and I instead stumbled across the site Quality In Research.  It made me think that perhaps we need some more quality in research regarding whether Qri’s boobs have “got prettier” lately.  They seem quite big now, and she’s sure been taking a lot of boob-friendly selcas lately too, but as for the truth about her appearance, she’s tight-lipped.

How much plastic surgery Qri has received over the years is a more closely guarded secret than how many times Hwayoung dropped the nail polish in the bathwater, but who cares because Qri is hot with or without a boob job.

All that is known for now is that Qri will continue to take selcas and Kpopalypse will continue to fap.

10. Park Jimin (15&)

Rounding out this list both literally and figuratively is Park Jimin.  Look at her face.  That’s probably exactly the expression that you’re making right now, as well as the one that she’ll probably make if she ever finds out that she made it onto this list.  However it’s trufax that I think Park Jimin is a hottie capable of Kpopalypse bias list inclusion, she has just the kind of appearance that I like in both face and body (i.e she looks like she has probably eaten sometime this week) – plus she speaks perfect English which is a plus.  I don’t even know if she believes her own hotness herself because most of her own photos have her pulling ultra-dorky faces:

…but it’s true.  I know I’ll get pedo accusations from mouth-breathing morons over this because anyone who follows her probably still thinks of her as “that kid who won that competition” but she’s 17.5 years old at the time of writing, which is legal age in South Australia, cuntfaces.  She probably wants to be considered a grown-up just like any other 17.5 year old I’ve ever met ever (including me when I was 17.5), so I’ll treat her like such.  You Americans still have to wait six months before you can legally blow your load over hot pictures like this:

She could seriously move up higher in this list in the years to come too, she just needs to take more good quality pictures, of which there’s a definite lack of at the moment.  It’s actually quite tricky to search her up because there’s a guy in Bangtan Boys called Park Jimin as well so let’s all search up this girl as often as possible and improve her search ranking so she can compete and I can find her pics easier for the future when she gets a sexy concept.  Do it, JYP.  Do it for Kpopalypse.

That’s the end of the Kpopalypse bias list for 2015!  I’ll do another one of these periodically for you curious folks who actually weirdly give a shit about what I do and don’t like as if it’s important or relevant to your life in any way whatsoever (you fucking clowns).  Try to not write a 2000 word essay about how your bias isn’t here, won’t you?

HEY CAO NI MAS, KPOPALYPSE IS STREAMING AGAIN IN JANUARY 2015!

This post has all the information you need about the KPOPALYPSE LIVESTREAM!

Q: I’m new to your livestreams.  Please explain what this is?

A: You go to a website at a designated time, sit back, drink a cup of your favourite beverage and watch Kpopalypse (some creepy Australian skinhead-looking guy who is weirdy into kpop, what an asshole) talk about k-pop stuff into a webcam for an hour or two, or three, or however long he wants to crap on for.  Maybe ask questions if you could be bothered, or if not, just watch and laugh as I rant and rave about whatever bullshit I think is important.  There will also be some unboxings and maybe some guitar playing, just because I can.  What there won’t be is me putting on a stupid persona that’s all bouncy and happy and shit like what you’re probably used to in every other k-pop video content ever – this isn’t Eat Your Kimchi, you faggot bitch.

Q: Wow, I was just going to sit and home and cry about not being able to open a drink bottle without Eunjung’s help but I think I’ll do this instead!  When is it happening?

There is only one stream this time, and it will be at 9:30 AM Sunday 18th January, Adelaide Australia time (GMT+10:30).  The stream will go for as long as it has to.

If you want to know when that is in your part of the world, click here for a countdown timer or click here is a world clock.

Q: What’s the link?

The streaming link is: http://ustre.am/1gd6W

Q: Not justin.tv?

Sadly, they shut down because they are too busy being faggot bitches.

Q: But I don’t have a webcam…?

You totally don’t need one of those.  Anyone asking questions will be doing that via text, not video.  If you want to ask questions, you will need either to log in via Facebook or make a ustream.tv account – this is free.  If you don’t have one and would rather not use Facebook, you may wish to go to www.ustream.tv and make one pre-emptively so you’re not rushing around doing it at the last minute on the day and feeling like an unprepared doofus.  Oh, and bring your adblocker, because I’m told that the streams have ads in them now and ads are a pain in the ass.

Q: But I’ve just spent the last three months of my life trolling you on ask.fm, I don’t have anything left to ask?

It doesn’t really matter if you ask questions or not.  I’ll have plenty to talk about.

Q: I’m watching your stream but you keep dropping out, why?

A: I live in Australia, where the government is too busy being a corrupt police state to worry about things like fixing everyone’s shithouse Internet connections.  If a dropout happens, don’t worry – I’ll probably be back in a few minutes!  Just like Tony Abbott’s promises, the dropouts never last long enough to be meaningful… except for the other weekend when my connection was down for the entire weekend non-stop so who knows.  Australian Internet is always a gamble – but who doesn’t love to gamble?

Q: I’m preparing my drinks right now in anticipation!  I’ll be there!

 

See you there, cao ni mas!!

Many of you have noticed a pattern with my music taste – I like a lot of nugu stuff.  My three favourite songs from last year were all debuts by brand new groups that not many people besides me really gave much of a shit about, plus there’s the Nugu Alert series that I write of course.  As a result, I’ve been getting a lot of questions like this:

So what’s the reason for it?  Am I the k-pop version of a hipster, liking things before they are cool?  Am I trying to troll fans of established groups for laughs?  Or is there another reason?  Come on a journey with Kpopalypse and find out!

Picture this.

You’re the CEO of a startup k-pop label.  You’re stankin’ rich so you’ve sunk all your funds into the best training, equipment and production teams that money can buy.  You audition several hundred girls for your new k-pop girl group SPERMGULP (Stingily Paid Employees Ruining My Greedy Ultra Lame Productions) until you’ve narrowed it down to a group of nine girls that you feel have the potential to break hearts and take the k-pop world by storm.  Once you’ve got your team of girls, you take them through the customary three year training period, honing their dancing, PR skills, singing, language and fitness.  Well, actually mainly just dancing and fitness, not so much the other three – there’s only so much time so you’ve got to prioritise what’s important, after all.

While the girls are being trained up, you’ve been shopping their concept around to composers and producers, trying to find them that perfect debut song.  Three years is a long time to find an absolute kick-ass song, so you take your time with it, selecting material carefully – only the best will do!  Sure enough eventually you come across a really great upbeat dance song called “Alabama Hot Pocket” which is definitely feature track material, so you buy the rights to it and get your producers cracking on turning it into a hit for your girls.  You also find some other reasonable songs and buy the rights to those too, they can be produced a little later once your big hit is written and if the group’s big single floats well enough to justify a physical release, they can go on the mini-album when it comes out, just to pad it out a little.

Release time comes up and the pressure mounts: how will “Alabama Hot Pocket” fare on the charts?

It does about as well as you expected for your new group.  It isn’t a smash hit, after all your group of unknowns has to compete with several established groups also releasing material at the same time, but it does gain some degree of attention and SPERMGULP starts attracting a small fanbase.  Some controversy about the song being supposedly insulting to people from Alabama pops up (this never even occurred to you!) and there’s also rumours about one of the girls being an iljin or whatever – it’s enough to keep the media buzz happening for an extra week or two after the media-play articles that you paid the news websites for run their course.  Eventually the buzz dies down… having made a slight name for themselves, you’re happy with SPERMGULP’s performance, but financially they’re still in the red, and there’s work to do – what’s the next move?

You take a look though the other songs that you purchased.  Only one song out of them is really feature track material, a smooth mid-tempo ballad called “Blumpkin Pie”.  You release it quickly as a follow-up single (because it’s not an upbeat song the girls don’t need time to learn a new dance routine so it can be released quickly) and it does about as well as “Alabama Hot Pocket”, not winning the group any new fans but keeping the new fanbase who liked the first song happy plus kicking off another round of media articles and some music show appearances.  It’s enough to keep the group active and buy you some time to consider the next move.

It occurs to you that SPERMGULP will never be truly successful unless they have a whole string of songs as good as their debut hit.   You approach the songwriter of “Alabama Hot Pocket”, maybe he can work his magic again?

“I need you to write another song as good as the debut one you wrote SPERMGULP, for their smash follow up single.”

“What, so you want an ‘Alabama Hot Pocket part 2’?”

“Well, not exactly.  Similar enough to have the same feel so fans of the first song will also like it and so the group has an identifiable ‘sound’, but it can’t sound exactly the same or people won’t buy it, so mix it up a little somehow.”

“Okay, that shouldn’t be too difficult – when do you want it?”

“I want SPERMGULP to comeback later this year and keep their momentum going in the k-pop scene.  We need a few months to record it and think up a concept for it, devise costuming, artwork, choreography and really get those dance routines nailed… so I’ll need the song by the end of the month.”

“Okay”, the songwriter sighs, obviously not liking having to work under pressure.  But hey, you’re paying him, he’s a pro, so he should be able to do his job.

The end of the month comes around and you approach the songwriter again.  The song he’s written is “Boston Pancake” and it’s certainly what you’re looking for, but will it capture the hearts and minds of Korea’s youth?  You roll the hype machine into action and the girls do their comeback.  It doesn’t do too badly – a few more fans trickle in, but not enough to sustain the group in a meaningful way or make that all-important transition into true idols that get picked up for endorsements and advertising work – the general consensus from the existing fandom is that the new song isn’t as good as their debut.  The group trickles on for a few more months, you release another quick follow-up single called “Hot Karl” that completely bombs, and eventually you decide to shut it down and disband SPERMGULP.  Maybe you can start over with another bunch of girls, and the existing girls who want to stay can fund it by working for your company behind the scenes with any new trainees as a pleasure group.

So what happened, why didn’t the group succeed?  In the western music business, there’s a phenomenon that’s known as “The Difficult Third Album” and the true test of if an artist can have longevity in the business is if they can make it past this third album with a respectable fanbase still intact.  It’s not easy to do – album number three seems to be jinxed for a lot of artists, and here’s why:

• A group debuts with an album that they (or somebody) spent years writing and refining the songs for ever since garage days.  Much time has been spent on each individual song, and as a result the album kicks ass.  The group does well commercially, starts generating hype and gets a ton of fans.
• The group now with newfound fame is now under pressure to produce a hotly-anticipated sequel in a far shorter timeframe.  No more taking years to refine the songs, the group is now under contract for one album per year.  They rush out a second album – because they are trying to make something of equal quality as the first album but have far less time to achieve the same result, the resulting songs are comparatively crap.  However all the fans of the group buy the second album anyway (because they’re fans who trust the group’s name) and also a few (but not many) new fans come on board, as a result the second album actually does a little bit better than the first album.
• The group is now under pressure to make a third album.  Seeing that the second album was such a hit, the group figure “well, that worked – let’s just do exactly what we did last time” and they rush out a third album in a similar timeframe (having little choice anyway).  However what the group doesn’t realise is that they’ve actually lost a ton of trust with their fans – all those people who bought the second album without listening to it first just because they trusted the group to do a good job after the strength of their debut album are now a lot more wary.  The third album comes out – most of the fans of the debut album are cautious and listen to the third album before buying, most of them go “no thanks” and leave it on the shelf.  The only people keen on it were the far smaller amount of fans who came on board for album number two.  Sales performance of the third album is therefore weak and the record label dumps the artist off their roster, figuring that they’ve gone past their use-by date.

An audience of fans who will buy your shit without even listening to it first to check if it’s any good or not is something that the industry calls your “core audience”.  Established k-pop groups with large global followings like SNSD, 2NE1, T-ara, BigBang, EXO, Super Junior… these groups have large core audiences, and the agencies do their best to maintain the core following in a variety of ways.  In these days where album sales don’t really mean anything, the core audience is still important, because it translates to brand power – if a group has a ton of rabid followers who will uncritically accept their output, then they’ll also (the label hopes) uncritically accept anything that those idols are associated with, like endorsed products in a commercial film or advert.  This makes the idols much more valuable as ambassadors, promoters of products, and so forth – and that’s where the real money starts to come in for agencies, not album sales, digital sales, award wins, or any of that other crap that k-pop fans are fooled into thinking matters.

If you’re looking at the picture of Qri and wondering where you can get an apple like that, or glasses like that, or a jumper like that, or flowers in your hair like that, or the right makeup products to get that lipstick and blush just right, then you have just experienced Qri Brand Power.

A large core audience also means that a group can get away with more – once a group has a certain amount of hardcore long-term rabid followers who are willing to waive their critical faculties, the good songs that the group had at debut are no longer needed, all that is needed is for product of some kind to periodically appear to sustain interest.   That’s how your faves get away with releasing shit songs every now and then, and the more insane the fans are, the easier it is for the companies to palm off shit to everybody that wouldn’t be accepted otherwise.  This is also why labels like SM and YG try to build “label brand fans”, they can transfer that uncritical core audience acceptance of product from just one artist to everything that the agency puts out.  The “YG fangirl” is exactly what YG wants, that’s more valuable to them than the “BigBang fangirl” who only likes BigBang but might not care about 2NE1 or Epik High, because the YG fangirl will pay attention to everything on YG.  The more established labels will do all they can to strengthen the brand image and unify the collection (SM Town/YG Family/JYP Nation, throwing their logo on everything, using the same songwriters so you grow to trust the “sound of the label”, etc).

Nugus on the other hand don’t have this luxury.  With no core audience at first, a nugu group has to impress right out of the gate with very memorable songs or a memorable package in some other way (note all the “sexy nugus” lately).  Startup companies don’t have a core audience either, but they try to build it by slapping their logo on everything and creating associations between different acts (see all those Christmas songs where every artist on the label gets together and does a song in the same room together as just one example) in the same way that the bigger labels do.  Of course that’s not to say all nugus are going to be better by default and some nugu groups sure as hell do bomb with absolute stinker songs (my worst-of lists have plenty of nugus on them), but what it does mean is that there’s still greater chance of a nugu artist impressing with good music than an established artist, just mathematically speaking, because there are simply less other options open to nugus.

So that’s why nugus tend to have better songs, on average.  But just to make it clear that there’s always exceptions, here’s a video of Rok Kiss performing live.  Kpopalypse out!

I think as long as I’ve been blogging, people have been asking me to throw down my opinions on various alleged bullying instances in k-pop.  So here’s a post about bullying.  Maybe it’s not the post about bullying that you wanted to read, but it’s the one that I’m going to make you read, so too bad for you if you don’t like it.

Did [insert group here] bully [insert group member here]?  Anyone asking this question of any group ever is being a pussy and avoiding the real issue which is: why do they care?  Why do k-pop fans care so much about what goes on behind closed doors in some group that they’re not even in?  Slayer fans didn’t withdraw support from the group when it was found that their guitarists didn’t get along, or that half the original band hated the other half so why do k-pop fans care when some group of girls don’t get along with some other girl who you’ve never even met and never cared much about anyway?

I’ll tell you why, as if the answer’s not obvious enough – because k-pop fans can all relate, because they’re all getting the shit beaten out of them in school, so even mention the word “bully” and whether true or false it hits them really close to home.  They spend so much time imagining how horrible it would be for whoever the alleged victim is to be bullied that it completely clouds their judgement of anything else, and good old confirmation bias kicks in.  They don’t have to stretch their imaginations very far to imagine being bully victims either – the Korean school system is a hornet’s nest of bullying and corruption and in other countries things are sometimes only marginally better depending on what school you go to.  Shit gets even worse for South Koreans when they graduate from that school garbage and join the army (mandatory) and experience the fun bullying culture therein (also mandatory).  No wonder so many people want to dodge that shit any way they can, I certainly wouldn’t join the bully army if I was South Korean – fuck that.  Take orders from some assholes and dorm with a bunch of violent fuckheads every night?  If I wanted that experience I would have joined a k-pop group.

It’s little wonder that these Korean bully victims flock to online sites to bully others and feel powerful, it’s obviously to compensate for the lack of power that they’re experiencing in their real lives as inch by inch they get wangdda’ed to death.  On the Internet nobody can tell that you’re the bread-shuttle in real life so you can act hard and talk as tough as you wish you were without fear of reprisal.  I’m sure it’s also the same for international fans who obsess about bullying too.  Everyone loves to talk big but deep down, I know you’re all dying inside, so being older, wiser and qualified as fuck about this shit, I’m here to help all you lovely readers out there who are experiencing schoolyard bullying.

My bullying-related qualifications: I went to what was one of the roughest high schools in my state at the time.  I’m not sure if it still is, but the school shall remain nameless for legal reasons.  My old school would probably be called an iljin school if it was in Korea, and it matched the profile of that type of school, with many similarities.  Physical fights were a daily situation and a well-loved spectator sport, kids would yell “fight! fight! fight!” when one broke out and the whole school would quickly gather around to watch.  Teachers rarely intervened because kids would study the teacher’s patrols and synchronise their fights with when the teachers were on the other side of the yard.  The girls would fight almost as often as the boys, although the fights looked different – guys would slug it out with fists and feet, girls did more hair-pulling, face-scratching and school bag sabotage.  The school also had a compulsory uniform policy… which hardly anyone adhered to.  Some people wore the uniform if they liked it (although it was ugly, daggy blue jumpers and shirts, plus blue tablecloth dresses for the girls) but most students didn’t give a shit and wore whatever the fuck they wanted.  Smoking, drinking, underage sex and drug-dealing were all commonplace, stabbings and rapes weren’t unprecedented and switchblades were a standard item for kids who were also in the local street gangs (no guns – this is Australia, guns are considered “a wimp’s tool for people who don’t know how to fight” here).  Kids from my school would also often terrorise kids from the neighbouring much more posh school when they caught the same public transport (these other kids were easily identifiable because they actually wore their school uniforms, making them easy targets).  The reputation of my school was so terrible that during my time there they actually changed their name to try and improve the school’s image, to presumably little effect.  I found out many years later (when I went to Uni and met people who had been to proper schools) why my school was so bad – the school contained a “problem teenager unit” within it, and all the kids who were transferred from one school to another, to another for bullying or violent behaviours that were bad enough for the kids to be expelled routinely but not bad enough to wind them up in juvenile detention were eventually just dumped in my school’s “problem unit” because nobody else knew what to do with them.  I think they were getting some special behavioural coaching or whatever the fuck, but it sure as hell didn’t seem to make much difference whatever it was.  (I wasn’t a “problem teenager” though, I just went to the school because my parents said that I had to go to high school, and it just happened to be the closest one in my area.)  And of course the bullying was completely epidemic and uncontrollable by anyone in authority.

As a teenager I wasn’t the bald-as-fuck skinhead-looking motherfucker that I am today, I actually had hair and it was long, because I was into heavy metal and I thought long hair looked cool because that’s how the only people who I looked up to in life at that time (heavy metal musicians) had their hair.  Naturally this made me look different to the other guys (who either had short hair or fashionable-at-the-time 80s mullets) and therefore this made me a target for bullying.  On top of this, back then (unlike today) I was also really shy generally speaking, so now I was a double-target.  I could only have been more of a target if I was a “nip” (visibly Asian) or a “wog” (visibly Italian/Greek) – those kids copped it the worst, racist bullying was a big thing at my school.  My point being that I’m very experienced with being bullied and the bullying around my school that I and others experienced got very, very extreme, as extreme as anything I’ve heard about happening in Korea.  So I’m perfectly qualified to tell you how to deal with this shit, and this is going to be a real guide with real advice that works (or it worked for me), not the namby-pamby politically correct advice that other sites will give you if you search up this topic.

KPOPALYPSE’S HELPFUL* HINTS FOR BULLY SURVIVAL

*helpfulness not guaranteed

1.  Do not appease bullies – ever

One day I was walking between classes at my school and I was stopped by a bully who grabbed me by my clothes and wouldn’t let go.

“Hey you, I know you.  You owe me money.”

“Who are you?  You’ve got me mixed up with someone else.”

“Don’t get smart.  I know you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yeah I do.  Give me your money, now, cunt.”

“Fuck you.”

“What did you say?”

“Fuck you.”

He punched me in the stomach and ran like a bitch.  Was it worth giving him any money?  Fuck no, I wasn’t gonna do that.  It’s not that I couldn’t have survived without the money, it’s the principle – I didn’t want to let a bully win.  I also knew that if I gave in, it wouldn’t help me in the long term as he’d be back to try it again the next day, and besides who’s to say he wouldn’t have taken my money and punched me in the stomach anyway?  If a bully sets up rules, don’t play by them, because when a bully makes rules they’re always set up so you can’t win anyway.  If they tease you about your hairstyle or clothes, don’t change anything to make them happy, it just shows that you’re a pushover and a soft target, which will then attract more bullying, not less, as they make you jump through even more hoops for their amusement.  Someone got a problem with your k-pop (or any other) music taste, let them have a problem.  The guy who punched me left me alone after that incident and focused on someone else who actually was giving him his lunch money.  Later, he was caught doing some other more extreme criminal shit and sent to juvenile detention, while I laughed.

2.  Do not try to fit in

Bullies single out oddballs and perceived weak targets who won’t put up resistance.  However if you’ve been singled out, the core group of non-singled-out people isn’t going to accept you.  You’ve been socially “tainted” so you’re now an oddball whether you like it or not.  Don’t worry about being friends with the in-crowd, maybe chat to some of the other oddballs instead.  Find some kid who is being given hell and treat him the way that you’d like to be treated by others and you’ll have a friend for life which is a lot more valuable than nods of approval from the school’s trendy fuckstain crowd.  There’s safety in numbers, and while numbers can’t always be relied upon at all times it doesn’t hurt to have allies, so even if you find that other ostracised kid a bit annoying, get to know them and you might just find someone who’s got your back in a crisis.  Beats having nobody on your side.

3.  Ignore taunts, build self-confidence

Words said in real life is much the same as words said over the Internet.  A lot of purely verbal bullying can be simply ignored or laughed off.  The ability to do this effectively comes down to self-confidence.  The best way to increase self-confidence is to find some things that you enjoy doing (it can be anything) and do them and get good at them, this helps you develop more a sense of yourself and what’s truly valuable about who you are, then insults and taunts won’t have the same effect that they once did.  Who cares what a bunch of idiots think of you anyway?  I’ve probably got hundreds of online haters insulting me in all corners of the Internet by now, if I spent time caring about what they think of me I’d probably never write again.  Fuck ‘em.

4.  If you go to an authority, they may not care – also prepare for escalation

If teachers, principals and parents are powerful and have the ability to legitimately change things for you – great, definitely use the resources available… but be aware that after you tell the teacher, you still have to go to class with that bully and he’s going to resent what you just did.  If the anti-bully controls in your school are weak or non-existent, like in my old school, or in a lot of Korean schools where authorities are too worried about the reputation of the school to tackle bullying in any meaningful way, you might just encounter more violence after you go to authorities rather than less.  One day some kids who bullied me at school recognised me on the weekend when I was in my dad’s car as he was driving me to the supermarket, and spat on the windshield as he was pulling into the carpark.  My dad then by chance met the bullies in person in the supermarket aisle and gave them one of the most savage tongue-lashings I’ve ever seen anybody give anyone in public.  The kids were completely humiliated, and although I enjoyed the justice of this public dressing-down I was also scared, because I knew the next day that I would face reprisals and the school wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.  I was right – those kids escalated their bullying significantly after the incident.  If the authorities have real power, use it, but if they are paper tigers don’t get them involved.  You can find out how effective they are by talking to or observing other people who tried that route before you and what kind of results they got out of the process.

5.  Avoid violence, but self-defence is acceptable and sometimes practical

How I stopped being a bullying victim: In school there was always a gang of people who would say dumb shit to me as I walked past where they always hung out to go to the “music block” to practice music.  I’d just ignore it because it was just words and I didn’t give a shit, I had enough self-confidence by this point to ignore the dumb crap people said about my appearance or whatever.  Then one day, things escalated.  The gang surrounded me in a circle and all started pushing me, trying to start a fight.  I let them push me for a bit but it started to piss me off after a short while – I was trapped and I wanted to get to where I was going.  So without warning I randomly picked one of the gang who was pushing me and punched him in the nose.  It wasn’t the best punch in the world, I regret not landing it slightly better, but it worked – everyone stopped pushing.  I’ll never forget the look on the kid’s face, like I had just taken away his favourite toy.  The rest of the gang backed away and none of them ever said shit to me after that… nor did anyone else as the news that the long-haired weird guy who normally never said boo to a mouse just king-hit some fucking loser spread around the whole school.  Suddenly people kept their distance and didn’t want to take me on.  Bullying problem over.

You’ll never hear this advice from anyone else because it’s not politically correct to advocate violence, but the fact is that bullies single out weak targets, and if you show them that you’re not a weak target, all but the most determined bullies will quickly move onto a softer, easier-to-bully target and leave you in peace (the really determined bully might require multiple beat-downs).  On the other hand if you don’t retaliate against violence, you’ll be perceived as weak and you’ll likely receive more violence.  Kpopalypse firmly advocates anti-bully violence in self-defence situations where you are backed into a corner and have no other option except to get your head kicked in by an asshole, just don’t do anything moronic and massively illegal.  The plan is to stop bullying and improve your life, not to spend the rest of your life in jail, so only do what is required as legally justifiable self-defence, no more.  You’ll be surprised how little is required anyway.

6.  If you’re being bullied by a gang, understand gang mentality

A guy I know got into an altercation with some bullies.  I’m not sure how it happened, but somehow he managed to piss off about 40 members of a bully gang.  Oops.  They surrounded him with blades and backed him into a corner, ready to tear him to shreds.  He had nothing but a stick.  This is what he said to them:

“You guys have me outnumbered, and you can very easily kill me right now, but I guarantee and absolutely promise you this – the first person to attack me is going to lose a fuckin’ eyeball in the process.  Which one of you will it be?”

The gang circled around him, but each time he lunged at one of the gang members screaming “is it YOU, huh?”, they backed away.  They all knew that together they could take him, but nobody wanted to be that guy.  Eventually after a tense standoff, the gang dispersed with nobody being hurt.  The moral of the story is that bullies in a group are tough as a unit, but weak in isolation.  Why do you think they form a group in the first place – because they’re weak individually and they know it.  Isolate them one by one and make it personal – they will crumble.

7.  Don’t kill yourself

That might seem like really basic advice, but it’s trufax.  Suicide attempts only let your bullies know that their efforts to control you and make your life miserable are working.  If you fall in a heap, they win.  In recent Korean situations of people being literally bullied to death, the perpetrators weren’t even remorseful in court when they were getting handed down sentences of years in prison.  Neither suicide attempts nor the real thing will get you the attention and validation that you crave.

So that’s it, that’s how to deal with bullying and make your life bully-free.  Now you can finally gain control over your own life, then you’re less likely to be crying like a little bitch whenever some people in some k-pop group have a disagreement over who’s turn it is to wash the dishes in the dorm that week as if it’s any of your fucking concern, and that’ll save us all some heartache.  Thank me later, fuckheads.

Okay, so when 2014 ended I did a ton of lists about my favourite and not-so-favourite music videos.  I got lots of positive feedback from those, however I also got a lot of questions that were similar to this:

I had hoped to take a break from lists for a while, but because I’m always so eager to take on board constructive feedback and please you lovely readers, I have now added “most fapped to” into my yearly list posts.  So let’s completely ignore musical content in MVs for a change and instead have a recap of what Kpopalypse thought was hot and sexy in 2014!

10.  AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Short Hair

The first half of 2014 will be forever known to Kpopalypse as “Fapgate” – the time when the management behind girl groups suddenly realised en masse that guys wanting to jizz themselves over MVs of girls in tight clothing and/or lingerie was a niche market yet to be exploited in k-pop to its full potential.  Upon realising this FNC Entertainment quickly exchanged Jimin’s Gibson SG for a snugly-fitting dress and turned AOA’s fortunes around from nugus to established stars in the space of only a few months.  AOA’s “Miniskirt” might have kicked off Fapgate into high gear at the start of 2014 but “Short Hair” had something that “Miniskirt” did not – Jimin in a traffic police uniform.  Police uniforms are hot because of the combination of smart tailoring and the power of police to molest you without you being able to do anything about it is very “classy sexy”.  I had some traffic cops turn up on my door the other week to ask me some shit and if they looked this cute I think I would have spread my anus a lot more readily.

9.  Stellar – Mask

If AOA’s “Miniskirt” started Fapgate, Stellar’s “Mask” ended it, by taking the group that brought you the milk-soaked “Marionette” and adding more clothes yet increasing the sexiness anyway, thus confusing the shit out of all those agencies that thought they had everything figured out at the start of the year.  After this song the ratio of pure fap concepts in k-pop returned to normal.  Also, many years ago I dated a girl who looked a bit like Stellar’s Hyoeun (idols resembling ex-girlfriends will be a common theme in this list so get used to it), she had the same curly red hair, weird eyes and big boobs thing going on that Hyoeun does here in this video.  The relationship only lasted a couple weeks because as it turned out she was a crazy heroin-addicted prostitute with behaviour more random than Dara’s hairstyles but watching this video brought back good memories of blowing loads of cum over her boobs before things went sour so that really helped my fap along here.

8.  2NE1 – Crush

Hey Blackjacks, Kpopalypse is about to say something nice about 2NE1 so sit up straight and pay attention.  After floundering around for the better part of two years making nothing of worth, 2NE1 finally managed to produce about 12 seconds of what I consider to be culturally relevant content, and they’re all contained in the “Crush” MV, sandwiched between 0:47 and 1:00.  I’m not sure how they managed it or what sorcery was used, but Bom looks honestly astoundingly cute in the fake backstage dressing room footage here (presumably cosplaying someone who would actually be let onto a stage) and once again resembles an ex-girlfriend somewhat which is always a fap value-booster for me.  She’s never pulled off a look this good before or since so I don’t have my hopes up for a repeat of this level of hotness in the future but given the way features shift around on her face from one video to the next like colours on a Rubik’s cube I suppose anything could happen.

7.  15& – Sugar

Fuck you JYP, why did you have to make a video for 15&’s “Sugar” in May 2014?  If you had waited only a couple more months, Park Jimin would have been 17 in the video which is legal age where I live and then I would have been able to fap without feeling creepy.  15& released a shitload of videos on JYP’s channel but since Park Jimin turned 17 they’ve done fucking nothing on their channel at all, which is a bit fucking suspicious if you ask me, perhaps JYP has lost interest in Park Jimin now that she’s older and actually hot, I think Chris Hansen needs to fly to Korea and tell JYP to take a seat.  Park Jimin looks fantastic here (uncannily styled just like one of my super-cute 25 year old ex-girlfriends) but I refuse to fap to this because it makes me feel weird, even though if me and her were married with parental consent we’d be technically legal here – where I live age of consent for girls is 17, unless you’re married to her in which case 16 is fine and 100% legal.  So maybe I can fap to this after all, I just need to also imagine a ring on Park Jimin’s finger while she’s giving me a handjob, but then I just imagine my foreskin getting caught in it so fuck that shit, I’ll stick to checking out her more recent Instagram pics instead.  Oh and fuck you JYP.  He’d better not leave this group on the shelf along with 90% of his other artists now that Park Jimin is actually boneable.

6.  Clara ft. Yasu – Fear

Everyone wondered why Clara’s debut song didn’t make it onto my “worst-of” list, but the answer should be obvious enough – I couldn’t assess it as I had no idea what it sounded like because I don’t usually watch porn with the sound on.  In fact I still can’t remember what this song sounds like, I just played it again now to try and recollect but then Clara’s boobs appeared and I was like “where’s the lube” and I got distracted.  Who cares what it sounds like.  I also don’t care about her legal troubles with her label or whatever, who gives a shit who is suing who and why, it’s not my fucking problem so I don’t give a fuck.  The minute she sues me then I’ll start caring about what’s on her phone or whatever.  While every other k-pop fan gossips away about what they read about Clara in the media or some lame comment translation site like an old maid talking about some shit that they’ve half-heard whispered through a keyhole, I’ll continue to jerk it to Clara’s boobs.  Priorities.

5.  Raina ft. Kanto – You, End & Me

Everyone zeroed in on Raina and San E’s “A Midsummer Night’s Sweetness” as a video that I would be interested in for fap purposes, and while that’s definitely true, her song with Kanto from nugu group Troy was just a little bit more up my alley.  “You, End & Me” has superior clothing for a start, favouring cute and tight-fitting jumpers that show some serious boob-enhancing properties.  Even better, “You, End & Me” is a breakup song, so that means that Raina is available at the end of the video.  That’s great because it means that I don’t have to imagine her getting the dick from some k-hip-hop loser.  In that last scene where he walks away from her at the table I can imagine myself giving him a high-five, saying “I’ll give you Nana’s number later” and then wandering over and sitting down.  Hey Raina, it’s okay, Kpopalypse is here.  Let’s go back to my place.  I promise I’m not a rapper.  You can’t trust those rapper guys Raina, they’re no good.  They’ll hurt you every time.

4.  Chaness – SeSeSe

Exploring new frontiers of “classy sexy“, the MV for LPG subunit Chaness features a girl getting raped by a drunk guy while another girl watches, and still only gets a 15 from the MOGEF because at least they didn’t kick any traffic cones in the process.  Of course actual rape is completely horrible and isn’t sexy at all, but pretendy rape where nobody actually gets raped but very nicely-dressed actors and actresses just gyrate against each other and rip each other’s clothing a little for the camera is hot as fuck.  Just ask any JAV fan, 90% of that stuff is guys pretending to rape girls… and the other 10% is girls pretending to rape guys.  If you’ve been longing for your favourite k-idol to make the transition into the rapey JAV scene, this video is about as close as you’re going to get for now unless you’re a Dal Shabet fan.

3.  Gain ft. Bumkey – Fuck U

Of course nobody does “classy sexy” quite like Gain, the original “classy sexy” idol, and if you cruise the comments section of this video you can see all sorts of people debating about what this song means.  The reason for this is that half of the commenters fapped to it and they don’t want to admit that they just blew their load over some pretendy rape so they’ve got to justify it to themselves somehow and say that it’s not about rape really but just a “difficult relationship”.  I suppose being raped would probably make a relationship pretty “difficult”, yeah.  Meanwhile, this mediocre, awkward-sounding song got to #1 on a whole lot of other people’s best-of lists for 2014 mostly likely because the writers wanted to look edgy and smart and champion art that “raises questions”, while of course refusing to acknowledge that half the audience were fapping to the answers.  There’s no reason not to – Gain getting ripped off her tits on Bumkey’s stash and playing “Human Centipede” never looked so good, and the guy is Gain’s real-life boyfriend, so let’s not get too squeamish about a bit of play-acting here.  Not only that but the two actually met and begun their relationship while shooting this MV, so actually what you’re watching is one of Gain’s most romantic real-life moments, captured on film.  Mind blown yet?

2.  As One – For The Night

The girls in As One are both pretty hot, especially the one with the hat who has a bit of a Minkyung vibe about her which I really like (i.e is a winner in life, is pretty, maybe smoked a cigarette in high school once or twice).  What’s even hotter than this is girls in maid uniforms.  Not real maids of course – actual maids these days don’t ever wear anything this sexy in real life and even the pretend maids in porn films don’t get the fucking maid uniform right half the time.  It’s important when cosplaying a maid to only use the colours black and white and in the correct proportions but there’s no need for me to describe it down to the last detail here in text because the girl in As One’s “For The Night” MV visually demonstrates the ideal maid uniform applied correctly.  I’d hire a maid myself to clean up my place if I knew I was going to get something this hot but I’m sure if I insisted on a hot one and then tried to make her wear the right costume instead of whatever boring shit she normally wears I’d probably get hung at dawn by some anti-discrimination-against-fugly-people activist group… and that’d be before I even asked for the blowjob.

1.  Apink – LUV

In 2014 it was no competition, the true masters of the k-pop white-coater sex concept are Apink and they delivered the fap yet again, as reliable as clockwork.  Apink’s label really have to think outside the square with Apink’s concepts these days and they’re doing an outstanding job.  The group are at that age in their careers where a maturing of their concept is necessary to keep their equally maturing fanbase alive, yet at the same time the paper-thin veneer of “cute innocence” has been this group’s bread and butter.  Fortunately for the agency, Apink’s fanbase have been spoonfed bullshit for so long that when a “dirty whores jacking off strangers in trenchcoats in the park” concept appears they’re too dim to recognise it, but that’s okay because the rest of us can still fap.  I know some of you have trouble reading between the lines so Kpopalypse White Coater Comics is here to break it down for you and destroy your innocence.

KPOPALYPSE WHITE-COATER COMICS PRESENTS: APINK – LUV

Later that day:

Towards early evening:

The real jacking off will start soon when Apink’s sex scandal gets released, but until then this will do nicely.  Anyway thanks for reading and Kpopalypse will return… whether you like it or not!  But if you don’t like it, hopefully you find it “classy sexy”!

That’s right, cao ni mas, it’s come around to that time again:

Time to dust off the first crop of nugus for 2015!

Everyone’s talking about Unpretty Rapstar lately, that rap “reality” TV show that I really don’t give a flying fuck about.  Reality shows are worthless because the makers of these shows can edit their footage of them to tell literally any story they damn well choose, and the following video demonstrates excellently how this happens:

It’s easy to see why the lame scripted (or at least heavily “planned”) drama involved in Unpretty Rapstar interests me absolutely zero percent, but even assuming that it’s not a bunch of stupid pre-planned bollocks, there’s no real competition anyway.  All the people on that show, regardless of what you think of their respective rapping ability, have already won just by being able to be part of such a show in the first place and get their name out there.  That’s obviously the real point of it all from their perspective, everything else is just a sideshow.  But it got me thinking: what about the girls who are far too nugu to hop onto this type of promotional vehicle?  I think people should spare a thought for them.  Who is going to feature you and try to help your career if you’re a young female rapper that can’t get on Korean TV and rub shoulders with celebrity idols like AOA’s Jimin and underground rappers like Tymee?  Kpopalypse, that’s who.  Don’t thank me all at once, Korean rap ladies.

You know the rules:

• Less than 20,000 YouTube hits.
• Who the fuck are they again?  Nobody cares.

Let’s do it.

Livii – Watch & Learn

Livii’s “Watch & Learn” is genuinely cheap and terrifyingly ugly, seemingly shot on a laptop webcam and with about 40% of the screen real-estate taken up with crappy pixelated still images that don’t even seem to have any relationship to each other, let alone the video which is just her dancing around in a karaoke booth and flouncing around on a bed somewhere (it’s not as exciting as it sounds).  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be watching and learning, but how to make a decent music video obviously isn’t it.  The painful nuguness of the video is enough to get it on Nugu Alert alone even though Livii does in fact have another song with a slightly more high-budget video that just broke the 20,000 hits barrier… but that one didn’t have any rapping in it, or cruddy pictures of Sailor Moon and blinged-out ballpoint pens (the latest gangster trend, I guess), so it doesn’t count.  The song’s no great shakes either unfortunately, with the usual awful synthesiser hooks and lame beats that rap has now… but hey, I guess I’ve heard worse.

YouTube hits at time of writing: 4981

Notable attribute: “power-off” button thoughtfully provided at the bottom center of the video actually does stop the music!  Just don’t double-click.

Nugu alert rating: moderate

Black Anvil – Move Up

It never hurts to have a couple of attractive young ladies to augment your male rap crew, provide some much-needed variety and fap value plus stay culturally relevant.   Sure, people could accuse you of being a little tokenistic about it all, but then people could also accuse you of punching them in the head, so whatever.  Not only are there two girls here who rap, but this song isn’t particularly awful and there even seems to have been a reasonable amount of money spent on the video.  Not only that but they’ve got a guy called Mr. Boombox who waves his magical wand of making the beat suck dick slightly less for about 25 seconds at the 2:30 mark before the studio producers intervene and kick him off the track.  So what’s with the low, low viewcount?  Maybe it’s the lack of twerking and/or stripping from the girls, or maybe the problem is that one of them is called Shy which is just the totally wrong name for a rapper or maybe it’s just how those who champion strong female rappers don’t ever really bother to seek this kind of stuff out and highlight it more often because they’re too busy making fap posts just like Kpopalypse does.  Ha.

YouTube hits at time of writing: 5991

Notable attribute: awkwardly choreographed live performance on nugu-friendly TV program Show Champion has more hits than the official MV

Nugu alert rating: high

Celma – Lalala

We all know how girls yelling raps into a microphone is all about smashing that glass ceiling isn’t that right… oh wait, but Tymee earns less than the Korean lady in my local gift shop selling toy Psy mobile phones.  Perhaps not so much a glass ceiling than a glass stepladder, but even poverty-line Tymee is still more successful than most of them, largely due to her fap-friendly concepts gaining her some notoriety.  Just like with the more commercial k-pop, rapper girls need to get down and dirty to increase that web traffic, and there’s nothing like an attractive girl performing to a great song to boost that viewcount.  Unfortunately Celma and “Lalala” is nothing like an attractive girl performing to a great song, but hey let’s not be mean because full marks for effort.  That “my lips, my titties, my hips, my pussy” line might be the only actual rap that she does here, but arguably it’s all the rap anybody needs, so why get picky.  Especially because the way she pronounces “titties” sounds a lot like “penis” so you can imagine that she’s a transsexual if you’re into that sort of thing, it’s probably the closest that anyone with a sexual preference for girls with dicks will ever get to fanservice in the Korean music scene.  I don’t know why it’s called “Lalala” though, maybe because that’s what you’ll be singing while you stick your fingers in your ears to block out the sound.

YouTube hits at time of writing: 10619

Notable attribute: completely prostitutes herself yet still qualifies for Nugu Alert anyway, sign of a true hardcore nugu

Nugu alert rating: extreme

Thanks for reading – Kpopalypse Nugu Alert will return with more nugus soon!

It seems more and more people are becoming fans of Kpopalypse, and naturally I’m very flattered.  I got quite a few questions recently about if I have a fanclub, and what it should be called, etc. so to fulfil demand in the official absence of any such thing, I’ve decided to make my own official fandom, the Caonimas!

Fans of Kpopalypse = Caonimas

The history of the phrase “Cao Ni Ma” in k-pop comes from Sulli.  Support freedom by supporting Sulli, and be thankful for her contribution to the Kpopalypse lexicon.  Here is a picture of Sulli teaching my English readers how to embrace the way of the Caonima.

Fandom colours

Colours are very controversial in k-pop, you can’t be too careful these days about choosing your colour correctly or you might just pick someone else’s colour and that group’s fandom will have a big old cry and mail you a bunch of toilet paper.  This could be useful in countries where toilet paper is expensive, but where I live I get pretty good deals on bulk-buying toilet paper so I will do my best not to step on any sensitive toes and pick my fandom colours appropriately.

Colour 1: Shiny Jizz White

Colour 2: Pink Areola Dark

I wanted to pick colours that really captured the spirit of what it means to be a Caonima, and I think that Shiny Jizz White and Pink Areola Dark really represent what my fandom should be all about.  These colour samples were created with the help of JAV actress Hitomi Tanaka and Photoshop’s useful crop and resize facility, so you can be assured that these colours are 100% accurate.

Fandom lightsticks

It’s important to get a unique-looking lightstick, because once again you can’t be too careful – copying another fandom’s lightstick could lead to immense butthurt.  Fortunately, these prototype Caonima lightsticks in the two fandom colours don’t look like anything else in the k-pop fandom right now and shouldn’t create any butthurt whatsoever – at least, not if using the correct water-based lubricant.

These exact models and colours may be difficult to find, so feel free to improvise and make your own!

Fandom code of conduct

We all know it’s true – behaviour is a big problem in k-pop fandoms, with many fandom members acting like such a bunch of worthless cunts that even the groups that they idolise can’t fucking tolerate them.  Therefore, I feel that a virtuous and robust moral code is essential.  All Caonimas seeking moral guidance are strongly encouraged to take up the faith of Rainaism.  Clicking the divine Raina below will lead to my Rainaism post that will help you learn more about this fascinating religion.

The rules of Rainaism can certainly be a bit murky and contradictory at times, but feel free to do what followers of any other organised religion often do and just cherry-pick the parts of the religion that suit you the most and discard the rest.  Just do the world a favour and don’t blow anyone up or wave around any embarrassing signs saying “Raina hates fags” in my name, thanks.

Fandom activities

Approved Caonima activities to increase your Caonima Unit of Numerical Trufax include:

• Reading Kpopalypse’s writing
• Fapping
• Not believing every piece of bullshit you read on some dicksucking k-pop website
• Reading lists with dumb activity suggestions in them

Anyone achieving a score of 100% has certainly achieved true Caonima status, but if not don’t worry, you’re all already at least 50% of the way there!  Truly, my fandom is one where no Caonima is left behind.

Fandom mascot

That Sulli clone already got given the boot from Berry Good and Minx have been suspiciously quiet as well with no follow up tracks, so who knows how long they will last with their current lineup.  This means that f(x)’s Sulli remains the One True Caonima mascot for now.

Just like Coke, Jim Dunlop Cry Baby and Fleshlight, the original cao ni ma is the best.

Fandom OTP

We all know that fandoms like their One True Partnerships.  Are you as a Caonima looking to ship Kpopalypse with someone?  I suggest shipping me with the following people, in the following order of preference (from “ship most likely to come in” to “shipwrecked”):

• My actual girlfriend
• Hitomi Tanaka
• Any hot ex-girlfriends or girls in real life that I wanted to fuck but didn’t
• Maria Ozawa
• Shione Cooper
• Wakabe Onoue
• This list from 1-10
• This list from 7-9
• Every other girl in the media ever
• Your mum (unless she’s a hot ex-girlfriend in which case she falls into that category)
• CL
• Dara
• Suzy
• Sarah Jessica Parker
• Yoona

Fandom hypocrisy

Last but not least, all fandoms need to have some outstanding hypocritical and stupid behaviour about them, or they’re not really fandoms.  Although I don’t think I can match the stupidity of SS501 fans, I can at least be a bit meta-hypocritical:

Yes he is, Thoughtful Raina!  I get called a hypocrite at least twice a week by just about everyone for reasons that run the full spectrum from “you like Apink” to “you don’t like Apink”, so it’s become a label that’s firmly in my comfort zone and I’m quite happy to run with it.  It’s lucky for me that my writing doesn’t need to be ideologically consistent for anyone to actually read it, hey.

Anyway, that’s all from me – now you know all the secrets to becoming a Caonima!  Feel free to start your own chapters, forums, cafes, form cliques, haze each other, and so forth!  Have fun and drive safe kids!

I asked people a few days ago for questions that I could use to expand my FAQ.  Obviously I wasn’t thinking straight because I woke up today and realised “that’s right – nobody fucking reads FAQs”.  I also noticed that a large proportion of the questions I get generally are bias questions from people just asking me which girls I prefer in which k-pop girl groups.  So because I get ultra-sick of answering these questions because I get them constantly, here’s a big list of girl group members and who I like and don’t like so I can link people.  If you’ve asked me a question and I’ve sent you a link to this post, it’s because the answer to your question is here, so read on!

Here’s how the list works:

Girls are listed from most preferable to least preferable from left to right, in netizen-comment style because that’s the only text information format most k-pop fans with ultra-short attention spans and barely two brain cells to rub together to produce a thought seem to be able to understand.

The > shows the approximate “distance of preference” between each member.  It’s only approximate and each group’s number of > doesn’t necessarily relate to any other group’s number of > so don’t overthink it and try to mathematically calculate it all or do comparisons because I sure as fuck didn’t think with anything else except my dick when putting this list together.  Because I know that some of you will go crazy OCD on this shit, because you’ve got nothing better to do, you mad cunts.

The first | is the “meets required standards line”.  Girls to the left of this line meet required standards, girls to the right of this line do not.  If all girls meet required standards this line will be on the right end.  If none do, it will be on the left end.

The second | is the “wouldn’t kick out of bed” line.  If someone falls between the first and second line, then they’re not someone I’m that interested in but I don’t consider then so horrible that as a hypothetical single and horny person I would kick them out of bed should I find that they had sneakily crawled their way in there, I would still cuddle her and get a boner.  If all girls could occupy my bed space without being ordered to get some clothes on and GTFO, this line will be on the right end.  If none could, the line be on the left end.

“Rest” just means that I couldn’t be bothered listing the rest of the group members but I consider the remaining members not listed to be placed around about at this spot.

“Further research required” means that I am not conversant enough with this group’s members at this stage to have a solid opinion.

“All” means that I’m familiar with the members but didn’t have any strong enough opinions on anybody in the group to be able to differentiate them strongly, consider them all to be somewhat where placed.

The list is about fapability only.  I don’t give a shit how well they sing, it just doesn’t matter in k-pop where the human voice is largely an electronic creation.  I also don’t care what sort of people they are according to some gossip site or whatever – apparent bad girls might have a slight fapability advantage but that’s incidental.

Ex-members will be sometimes included, sometimes not.  This is decided by a secret “ex-member relevancy index”.

Females only, I don’t bias guys.  Assume guys to be removed from consideration in co-ed groups.  Also no groups that are not from Korea or the k-pop system or I’ll be here all year making this fucking list.

This list isn’t complete, and doesn’t claim to be, so if you’re wondering why your faves aren’t in here, it’s because I didn’t put them in here.  This list is also subject to updates and changes!  As such I won’t be reposting it to Anti K-pop Fangirl simply because updating two lists is twice the work.

THE KPOPALYPSE GIRL GROUP BIAS COMPENDIUM

15&

Park Jimin >>>>>>>>>>>>>> || >>>>>>>> the other one

2NE1

Bom >>>>> | Minzy | >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> CL > Dara

4Ladies/M.O.A

Further research required

4Minute

Sohyun >>>>> Hyuna > Jihyun >> || >>>>> rest

4Ten

| the two that look normal | the two that look like they were made out of Bom’s secondhand parts

A-Force

|| Rare example where the low quality of the song prevents fap consideration

After School

Raina > Lizzy >>> E-Young >>> Jooyeon >> | Nana | > rest >>> Kahi

AOA (Ace Of Angels)

Youkyung >>>> Chanmi > Jimin >>>> rest ||

Apink

>>>>>>>>>>> all ||

As One

>>>> the one with the shorter hair in “For The Night” >>>> the other one >> ||

BabyVOX

| Kan Miyoun | >>>> rest

Badkiz

| all | >>>>> that weird plasticy looking one

Berry Good

Subin >>>>>>>> | rest |

BESTie

Hyeyeon > rest >>>>> ||

Bikiny

The one with the rabbit teeth >>>>>> rest ||

Bob Girls

The hot one, I can’t remember her name >>>>>>>> | rest |

Brave Girls

Further research required

Brown Eyed Girls

Gain >>>>>> rest ||

Chocolat

Further research required

Crayon Pop

Way > Choa >>>>> Ellin >>>> || >> Soyul > Gummi

C-Real

|| All

CSJH The Grace

Nobody cares about CSJH The Grace

Dal Shabet

>>>>> All >>>>> ||

Davichi

Minkyung >>>>>>>>>> | Haeri |

Delight

Jaewon >>>>>>>>>> || >>>>>>> rest

D-Unit

| all |

EvoL

>>>> Hayana >>>> rest ||

EXID

>>>> Hyerin >>>> | rest |

Fiestar

Cheska >>>> rest ||

Fin.K.L

As punishment for having a stupid name this group are consigned to fap irrelevancy

F-ve Dolls/5Dolls

Seunghee > Hyewon > Hyoyoung >>>> Nayeon > Yeonkyung | Eunkyo | rest

f(x)

Sulli >> Luna >>>>>> Victoria >> || Krystal >>>>>>> Amber

Gangkiz

Haein >>>>>>>> rest ||

Gavy NJ

Further research required

G-Friend

Further research required

Girl’s Day

Minah >>> Hyeri >> Yura >>>> Sojin >> ||

Girls’ Generation

Sunny >>>> Seohyun > Hyoyeon >>> Jessica Jawshave >>>> | > Yuri > Tiffany > Taeyeon >> | >> Sooyoung >>>>> Yoona

GLAM

|| all

Global Icon (GI)

Further research required

GPBasic

|| all

Heart Rabbit Girls

Further research required

Hello Venus

| All |

Jewelry

Yewon >>>>>>>> | rest |

J-Rabbit

|| the singer > the other one

KARA

Seungyeon >>> Youngji > Nicole >>>> | rest |

Laboum

Further research required

Ladies Code

| all |

Lipservice

|| >> all

Lovelyz

Further research required

LPG/Chaness

Further research required

Luluz

The one who does the spoken bit at the start of “How About Me?” >>>>> the one who used to be in Badkiz || the other one

Mamamoo

Further research required

Minx

Ji-u >>>>> | rest |

miss A

Min > Jia >>>>>>>>>>>>> | Fei | >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Suzy

Nine Muses

Hyemi > Euaerin >>>> rest ||

Orange Caramel

see “After School”

Pascol

|| all

Piggy Dolls (both lineups)

Jieun >>>>>>>> || >>>>>>>>>>> rest

Pritz

Further research required

Purfles

Further research required

Rainbow

Further research required

Rania

Joy >>>>> Ta-e >>>>>> | rest |

Red Velvet

>>>>>> Joy > Wendy > | rest |

Queen B’z/POPCON

Further research required

Sonamoo

Further research required

Secret

Jieun > Hyosung >>>> || rest

Skarf

Further research required

Seeya/The Seeya

>>>>> All > ||

S.E.S

|| >>>>> All

She’z

Further research required

Sistar

Soyou >>>> | rest |

Spica

Jiwon >>>> rest >>> || >>>>> Boa

Stellar

Hyoeun >> Minhee >>> rest >>>>> ||

Sunny Days

Soojung >>>>>>>>>>>> | rest |

Sunny Hill

Kota >>> rest >>> ||

Switch

Further research required

Tahiti

Further research required

T-ara

Eunjung > Qrishna >>>> Soyeon >> Hyomin > Jiyeon Cyclops Overlord >>>> || rest

Tiny-G

| all |

TREN-D

Further research required

Two X

Further research required

Wassup

Dain >>>>>>>> rest > ||

Wonder Girls

Sohee >>>> | rest | >>>>> Sunye > Lim

Ye-A

Further research required

Soloists

Hong Jin Young > Puer Kim > IU >>> Clara > Son Dambi > Lim Kim > NS Yoon G > Ailee > G.na | Lee Hyori > Kim Sori > Fatcat | Ivy > Gummy > Boa > Lexy > Lee Junh Hyun > Baek Ji Young > Lee Michelle > any other boring singers

Rappers

Tymee >>>> That girl from 912 Crew >>>> Minit > Shy > Kasper | Kisum | Jolly V > Cheetah > LiVii > Celma > Jessi HO

That’s it!  If you would like to help with “research” feel free to reply to this post or use ask.fm as anything is subject to change at any time!   Kpopalypse will return with more posts soon!

That’s right kids, it’s time for another Kpopalypse fanfiction!  This one’s for all you SNSD fans, plus all of those who have been asking me for methods on how you can emotionaly deattach yourself from a fandom!  Read on and be entertained (or not)!

You’re female, 28 years old, Korean and most of all a Sone – and that’s a problem for you.  You know this now.

It took you a little while to realise.  When you first discovered them seven years ago, your love of Girls’ Generation didn’t seem like it would be a major negative quality issue for your life.  You loved the group, the individual members, their songs, their music videos, their concerts, their TV appearances, all the products that they endorsed, you bought yourself one of those “Cooky” phones, you wore your SNSD backpack on the bus (a few derisive stares but who cares), you were happy.  All was well in the world.

Then life changed.  Adult responsibilities started creeping in.  You graduated from university and landed a job at a real estate firm.  You were happy to finally see real money and the end of the studying life, but now you had daily commitments and schedules to keep that couldn’t simply be brushed aside to watch SNSD TV appearances or chase the group around Seoul in a taxi.  Then to complicate matters further, you met a guy and became romantically involved.  Dating hours and SNSD activity hours were forever coinciding, and working your dinner-date schedules to fit around SNSD’s schedules proved impossible.  Sometimes you would just have to cancel.  Other times, you would attend and sit in the restaurant silently, waiting for the food to arrive while thinking of the SNSD content you were missing out on, feeling glum.

“What’s wrong?  Are you okay?” he would ask, noticing your faraway gaze.

“No… it’s nothing.  Don’t worry.”

“It’s that fucking group again isn’t it?  It’s just a bunch of girls singing and dancing, what’s the big deal?”

“I’m sorry… it’s just… Girls’ Generation’s spot on Music Core is on tonight, and I’m just wondering how it’s going.”

“I wish you’d worry so much about how we are going”, he replied, the bitterness in his voice barely concealed.  “Can’t you just watch it later?”

“But if I’m watching it when it happens, it’s like I’m part of it, somehow.  I feel more connected.”

“But you’re not.  It’s just a TV show, nothing more.”

The same argument, every time… however the straw that broke the camel’s back was when Jessica left… or got booted out, but you’re certain that she left, because she’s a selfish bitch.  How dare she leave, what gives her the right?  The news hit you like a ton of bricks – you took the next fortnight off work and stayed home and cried.  And cried.  And cried.  In an ever-changing world, SNSD’s solid lineup was like the sun rising in the east, a reliable and steadfast entity that you could always count on to be there, a comfort amidst the chaos of existence.  Suddenly not having your Divine Nine there for you was unthinkable, like the sky falling, a knife straight through the heart.  Sick of not getting his texts and calls returned, your boyfriend (at the insistence of your very concerned parents who also hadn’t heard from you and had also been contacted by your work asking where you were) broke down the door to your apartment, to find you curled up in a fetal ball on the floor in front of your refrigerator, with the door ajar and the cold blowing in your face, very much conscious but seemingly mentally on another planet.  The lights were off and the entire apartment’s walls were covered in black paint scribbled text, the words “Jessica”, “bitch”, “slut” and “whore” being most prominent.  It’s funny because you don’t remember painting any of that, in fact you don’t even remember buying the paint or the brushes.  The whole incident seems like such a distant memory even though it was only the other week, or month, or however long it was… you’re really not sure, your sense of time was hazy during those moments.  What you are sure of is that once you recovered from the initial shock your boyfriend gave you an ultimatum – it’s SNSD, or it’s me.

If it was a few years ago, that would have been an easy decision – you would have picked SNSD for sure.  However you’re a bit older and wiser now, and you can see that leaving the Sone life behind might actually be in your best interests – it’s affecting not just your relationship but your financial security with a combination of missing work, sasaeng taxi fares plus buying tons of merch and 30 copies of every album so you can have all nine photocards.  Then there’s the extra time commitment of being constantly active on fan forums, available for voting competitions so you can vote thousands of times for SNSD and support them, etc.  You can clearly see that being a Sone has evolved far beyond simply liking the group – it’s become a second job, one that you are paying for.

However, there’s a difference between rationally realising that being a Sone is no good for your life, and emotionally being able to deattach yourself from SNSD to the point where you can function without the group as the most important thing in your existence.  You wonder if you’re going to be able to do this on your own.  So when your boyfriend emailed you the following advertisement, along with a heartfelt plea to consider it for the good of the relationship, you didn’t delete the email right away.

You’ll think about it, but you won’t dial the number… at least not yet.  Maybe you can kick the Sone habit on your own, you’ll give that a try first.

-

A few weeks go by, and here are your achievements to date:

• You’ve cancelled membership of your favourite SNSD online forum.  Well, okay – you didn’t really cancel it, you just put up a big long post saying that you were leaving and why, and you won’t visit there from now on.  Or at least for a while, until you recover.
• You unfollowed a couple friends on Twitter who were always spamming requests to participate in voting for SNSD, often these requests were bordering on emotional blackmail so you’re glad to be rid of them because being told you were a “bad fan” was freaking you out.
• You’ve cut down your SNSD listening/viewing time to no more than one hour per day, which you are adhering to strictly.

It’s a small dent, but hey it’s a start.  You’re not ready to go cold turkey just yet.  You will ease yourself off SNSD gradually.

You’re sitting at home one evening after work when all of a sudden you hear a tune: “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”… your mobile phone is ringing.  You haven’t gotten around to changing that ringtone yet.  You make a note to deduct the seconds before you pick the phone up from your allotted SNSD listening time for the day, and quickly take the call.  It’s from SoneLyfe888, one of the other old forum members.

“Hello?”

“They beat us!  They beat us!”  SoneLyfe888, a 14 year old fangirl and diehard Sone, is on the other end of the line and is sobbing.

“Who?  What do you mean?”

“BigBang!  They must have hacked YouTube!  Fantastic Baby has…” – the rest is an inaudible mess of sobbing and phone-line distortion, however you know exactly what this phone call means, because it was a hot topic of conversation on the forums just before you left.  Your heart sinks.

“I don’t believe it.  Let me look…”  You can feel the dread rising in your stomach as you rush to check YouTube, where your worst fear is confirmed.

You go to say something, but you can’t find the right words.  It doesn’t matter anyway because you are quickly cut off:

“Why am I ringing YOU for, you don’t CARE anymore, anyway!  You BITCH!”  SoneLyfe888 terminates the call loudly in your eardrum, perhaps she threw the phone.

The tears begin slowly at first, but soon start flowing.  SNSD have lost one of their main claims to fame – the highest number of hits from a k-pop group on YouTube, it’s a crushing moment.  Soon you’re sobbing uncontrollably on your bed, with “Gee” on infinite repeat, SNSD allocated listening time be damned.  This shouldn’t be affecting you so much, but it is anyway… you make a pact with yourself that in the morning, you will ring 080-SONE-AWAY.  You’re way too emotional to do it right at this moment.  You sob until you can’t stay awake anymore, the twinkling synthesizers of “Gee” ringing in your ears.

-

The next morning you force yourself to eat breakfast, even though it’s the absolute last thing that you feel like doing at that moment.  Actually it’s the second-last thing you feel like doing, because the very last thing you feel like doing is what you do immediately after you finish breakfast.  You pick up your phone and dial the number.

A recorded message begins.  “Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We’re here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry.”

You don’t know what to say.

The recorded message continues.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry.”

After a pause to gather your thoughts, you mutter “Sone”.

The recorded message continues.  “I’m sorry, I’m still having trouble hearing you.  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry.”

You speak louder, it’s awkward talking to a machine.  “I’m a Sone, I need help!”

“That would be an enquiry about being a Sone.  Is this correct?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.  Putting you through now.”

The recorded voice ends and another recording begins.  “Thank you for calling 080 Sone Away.  Your call is very important to us, so please be patient.  If this is an emergency, please hang up now and dial emergency services.  Please note that calls will be monitored for quality and training purposes.  Please tell the operator if you do not wish for this call to be recorded.”  The voice goes away and some hold music begins – BigBang’s “Fantastic Baby“.  No doubt this piece was chosen deliberately.  You sigh and wait.  A couple minutes of waiting later and you are connected.

“080 Sone Away, how can I help you?” asks a woman with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

“I’m a Sone, I need help.”

“Sorry, we can’t help you be a Sone.  This is 080 Sone Away.  Please check the number and dial…”

“No, I mean that I want to stop being a Sone.”

“Oh, okay.  Putting you through.”

“This isn’t the right number?”

“It is, but we just handle general enquiries here.  You need to speak to Sone Away Services.”

“What?  What’s the difference?”

“Putting you through, won’t be long.”

You are placed on hold.  “Fantastic Baby” plays through the speakers again.  Ugh.  Another recorded message then begins.  “Did you know that Sone Away Services has a 100% success rate with no relapses?  We’re always here to help you beat your addiction to the SNSD fandom!  Please stay on the line while we….” the recording is cut off by an operator.

“Sone Away services, how can I help you?” asks a woman with a thick Amero-Indian accent, which is nevertheless slightly different-sounding to the woman you spoke to earlier.  She speaks slightly slower and higher-pitched.

“Hi, I’m a Sone, and I need help!”

“Sorry, we can’t help you be a Sone.  This is Sone Away…”

You cut her off.  “No, I mean that I want to stop being a Sone!”

“Oh.  Okay, I’ll send you out an information pack.”

You’re nearly in tears.  “But I need help!  Can’t somebody help me?”

“Don’t worry, the information pack will have all the help you need.  We’ll even courier it to you so that you get it today.  Your address please?”

You give the person your address, feeling somewhat reassured.

“Okay, we’ll send that out to you this afternoon.  Will you be home?”

“Yes.  But what’s in the information pack?”

“Oh, I couldn’t tell you.  We just send them out.  But don’t worry.  Sone Away Services has a 100% success rate!  Nobody ever rings us twice!”

“Oh.  How do I pay?”

“Oh, it’s free!  Don’t worry, preventing Sone insanity is government funded!  Anything else I can help you with?”

You’re sure that there is but you can’t think of anything.  “No”, you sheepishly reply.

“Thank you for using Sone Away Services!”

The lady terminates the call and a recording cuts in.  “Thank you for your call.  If you have time, please stay on the line for a brief customer satisfaction survey, which will only take one minute.”

You hang up, and sigh heavily.  At least that’s over with.

-

That afternoon, you’re having a nap when you hear loud high-pitched barking waking you up – your tiny yet faithful dog Baekhyun (named so you can brag on forums “I ship a family member with Taeyeon”) is reacting to someone at your door.  You go to answer it, it’s a courier with a parcel under his arm.

“Sign here please.”  The courier hands you a tablet and a stylus pen, and you make a signature.  He gives you the parcel and then leaves.  You rush into the bedroom and open the parcel.  The contents include a letter:

The following carry case, which is quite heavy and obviously contains a gun:

Which you only know because there’s also an instruction manual for the gun:

And this signed photocard of Jessica Jung, that ex-SNSD bitch traitor:

What’s the point of all this?  Are they suggesting that you shoot yourself?  Or SNSD?  Or Jessica?  You sift through the packaging again, and between the layers of cardboard and bubble-wrap there’s no explanation anywhere of why the pistol or the photocard has been sent to you.  Maybe there’s something in the gun case but you refuse to even open that, sliding it under your bed along with the instructions, hopefully to be forgotten.  You’ve never fired a gun in your life and you don’t intend to start now.  You focus your attention on the letter… no SNSD at all, cold turkey?  And exactly what “support” are they going to give you?  It doesn’t make sense.  You get your phone out and dial 080-SONE-AWAY.

A recorded message begins.  “Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We’re here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry.”

“Gun”, you say.

“That would be an enquiry about being a Mine.  Is this correct?”

“No, I said a gun, not a mine!  Why do I get sent a gun?”

“Sorry, 080 Sone Away is only for Sones and does not cater to other fandoms.  Goodbye.”

The call terminates with a click.  You dial again.  A recorded message begins.  “Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We’re here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry.”

“Sone”, you say loudly.

“That would be an enquiry about being a Sone.  Is this correct?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.  Putting you through now.”

You wait while the message about the call being recorded plays.  After a few minutes, an operator appears on the line.

“080 Sone Away, how can I help you?” asks a man with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

“Why did I get sent a gun?”

“Sorry, this is not a gun shop, I think you have the wrong number, check the number and…”

“No, it’s from Sone Away, I received a package, it has a gun in it.”

“Oh.  You shouldn’t have a gun.  Are you sure the package is from us?”

“It came with a letter from Sone Away Services.  It even said that you don’t provide ammunition for it.”

“Okay… let me speak to my supervisor.”  He puts you on hold.  After a couple minutes he returns: “Sorry, I’ll have to transfer you.  Give me just a moment.”  You wait while you are transferred.

“Sone Away services, how can I help you?” asks a woman with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

“I called and was sent a gun.  Why was I sent a gun?”

“You called 080 Sone Away?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry, we’re Sone Away Services.  We don’t provide anything like that, you’re in the wrong department.  Let me transfer you…”

“But you’re the one who sent it, I have a letter…”

“Those are just generic letters ma’am, we don’t provide firearms.  Now please give me a moment and I’ll transfer you to 080…”

You hang up on her.  It’s too hard to talk to these people, you’ll just keep the gun under the bed – it won’t harm anyone under there, especially with no bullets for it and you not knowing how to use it.  In the meantime you realise that you forgot to ask the questions about what exactly they will do to help you not be a Sone.  You really couldn’t be bothered ringing back and going through all of that again though, so you forget about it.  You’re sure the answer will become clear in time, for now you concentrate on doing your best to forget that SNSD exist.  It’s difficult but you stay away from all SNSD content for the rest of the day.  Your dog Baekhyun’s hyperactivity provides a useful distraction (he seems more animated than usual, for some reason), and thinking about the gun probably also helped.

-

A week goes by.  It’s proving difficult to stay away from SNSD.  Not listening to the music, okay, you suppose you can handle that… not watching the girls’ live stages on TV is harder, but hardest of all is not talking about SNSD, because it denies you the opportunity to vent your pain and grief of losing the Sone fandom to anybody.  Every day that you don’t is a special day for you, a day that you no longer are a Sone – but there’s nobody to share this revelation with.  You’ve cut off all contact with your ex-fandom and your boyfriend sure as hell doesn’t want to hear it, he forbids you to even mention the word.  A dark cloud hovers over your psyche.  So one night after work you sneak a peek at the online forum that you were once a member of… just to see what the reaction is to BigBang getting more YouTube hits:

TiffanyIMBF: I’m sad.  I can’t brag to my friends who like BigBang now.  :(

Genie4yrwish: I took down my BigBang posters today.  I don’t like them anymore.

SoneLyfe888: It’s OUR FAULT, we didn’t support them enough!  Everybody go to Gee right now and watch!  Make sure you watch the video from the beginning to the end or it won’t count!  Also don’t use Adblock or it won’t count!  Watch no more than once every five minutes!  Don’t use bots or page refresher programs!  Delete your browser history and cookies between each viewing!  We can reclaim the throne, Sones!

Soneontherange: I cried all day.

Taeyeonfapper: We shouldn’t be making a big deal out of thi…. hahaha just kidding WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS BULLSHIT BIGBANG HAVE MEDIA PLAY SAEJEGI HAX SHIT

OT84EVA: It’s a good thing that I have my fandom to support me in times of crisis like this.  What would we do without each other to get each other through the hard times.

Yoloswag420: Wow, fantastic baby.

Reading makes you upset – you miss the good times of associating with the Sones, your only friends before you gave up the Sone life.  Living is unbearable without your friends.  Surely just one message won’t hurt?  But no, you have to be strong.  You look at the replies to another post, the one where you said goodbye to your fellow Sones:

TiffanyIMBF: We’ll miss you!  Good luck!

Jessicaisaslut: Please come back to us!

Taeyeonfapper: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SoneLyfe888: You fucking bitch, you’ve betrayed the Sones, right when we needed you most.  Don’t think you can ever do that.

Seohyungod:  Don’t leave!  No!

OT84EVA: :( :( :( :( :(

Yoloswag420: People who make big posts about how they’re leaving forums never fucking leave for any length of time.  If you really mean it just shut up and fuck off, bitch.

Soshimoshimoshi: Why would you want to quit being a Sone?  That doesn’t even make any sense!  You can’t be addicted to being a Sone!  It’s not like a drug or something.

You’re touched – they mostly really miss you.  Craving the social interaction you’ve denied yourself, you can’t resist typing a small comment:

It’s been a week, I’m doing well so far!  Please don’t hate me for it, I still love SNSD, I just need a break for a while!

A few replies come quickly:

SoneLyfe888: You can’t leave.  I won’t allow it.

Jessicaisaslut: Please come back!  We miss you!

Yoloswag420: I called it.  Next time fuck off for real, and don’t post about it like an attention-whore.  Nobody cares.

You think about replying again to these comments, when your concentration is broken by a tune: “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”… your phone.  You’ve received a text message.

They’re looking at your Internet activity?  You quickly get off the Internet and you don’t use it for the rest of the night.  How did they know?  Demerit points?  Nobody told you about anything like this!  Still, if it helps you kick the SNSD fandom, you’ll go along with it – after all it’s not like you have anywhere else to turn, and they do have a 100% success rate, or so they say.  You’re not sure how they’ll achieve that with you – you’ve tried to be as good as you can be, but it’s hard and the SNSD cravings aren’t going anywhere.  Sensing a full relapse coming, you try to amuse yourself with some TV (not idol shows, you’re too scared about SNSD appearing) and do your best to cleanse your mind of Girls’ Generation for the rest of the night.

-

The next morning, you wake up and go to work as normal.  When you come home your dog Baekhyun greets you by the doorway.  His smiling face and hyperactive demeanour always cheers you up.  Just as you walk through the door and close it behind you, a tune: “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”… your phone.  One new message.

What consequences?  You look around the room.  Everything seems normal.  You certainly feel normal – you’re missing SNSD of course, but apart from this today doesn’t seem odd.  You boot up your computer and go online.  Your email is normal, your connection is normal, even your SNSD forum membership (you briefly access the website just to check that you can still log on before hastily closing the window) is still intact.  What consequences?

You ponder the question for the rest of the evening.  The answer eventually comes to you, just before bedtime when you step into the bathroom to shower and your ever-loving canine companion Baekhyun comes to sniff at your feet and you see him from an angle that you didn’t observe him from earlier that evening.

You scream.  Baekhyun had four legs yesterday, it can’t be!  After a few minutes of freaking out, you look closer at the amputation site.  It’s neatly stitched – not an accident, but a professional job.  Tears flow while your mind races.  You left Baekhyun indoors, so whoever did this must have gotten inside your house.  You quickly run around and look for signs of a break-in, but everything seems as secure as it did this morning when you left the house, there are no broken locks or opened windows.  Who knows you well enough to enter your house so easily?  Maybe someone you know?  You try to think, concentrating deeply… when all of a sudden: “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”… your phone.  You’ve received a text message:

It’s from SoneLyfe888.  Before you left the fandom, you two used to be good friends, she even has a key to your house because “the Soshi bond is like family”, that’s what you both used to say to each other.  It must be her who did this… it certainly matches the threatening way that she’s been talking on the forum lately, and you can’t think of anyone else who it could be off the top of your head that could enter your house without a key.  She’s the only one with a key, nobody else has a key, not even your boyfriend.  Now you understand what the gun is for – protection from crazy Sones who won’t let you leave the fandom alive.  You race into the bedroom and drag the gun case and manual out from under the bed where you stashed it.  You open the case… the gun is there, but in several individual pieces.  Fuck – you’re going to have to learn to put this thing together somehow.  You open the manual:

Confusing as shit.  Now seems like a good time to give your boyfriend a call, you could use some assistance.  Like almost all Korean guys, he used to be in the army, he should know what to do.  You dial his number.

“Hello.”  He sounds less than impressed to hear your voice.

“I need your help!” you exclaim.

“This better not be an “identify the variety show appearance” game, I told you before that I don’t want to hear about Girls’ Generation…”

“No, it’s not that… I need your help… technical help.  Do you know how to assemble a gun?”

“What?  Why do you need to know that?”

“Well, I have a gun but it’s in…”

He cuts you off.  “YOU HAVE A GUN?”

“Yeah… the quitting service… the one you send me, they gave it to me when I joined.  But it’s in pieces.  Can you help?”

A long silence.  Then your boyfriend speaks, his tone of voice completely different, much more sympathetic.

“Oh my god.  I’m so sorry.  You’ve started quitting and I didn’t even know about it.  Why didn’t you tell me?”

You start crying.  “But you said you didn’t want to hear about anything about SNSD…”

“Hey, if it was THIS news I would have been okay with it!  I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.  I’ll come around straight away.  Why are you trying to get a gun assembled?  Is someone trying to kill you?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe.  The fandom is crazy.”

You talk some more on the phone and then he comes over, bringing tools and ammunition for the pistol.  He gives you a quick demonstration of how to load, unload and aim it, and mentions how proud of you he is that you’ve started quitting the Sone fandom.  You promise to try your hardest, as well as to carry the gun with you at all times.

“Why don’t we go out tomorrow night for dinner?  We should celebrate your journey on the road back to sanity”, he says, just before leaving.

It would be an insulting comment in any other circumstance, but in this case it fits, and deep down you know he’s right.  “That would be lovely, I calmly accept”, you say.

-

The next morning you’re woken up earlier than usual, by a familiar sound: “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”… your phone is ringing.  It’s TiffanyIMBF, one of the more sane members of the SNSD fandom.  You take the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi!  Look, I know you’re quitting being a Sone and all that, but I just wanted to tell you something…”

“Sorry, I can’t talk about SNSD.  I’m not allowed to.”

“Oh, okay.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.  It’s not your fault, you didn’t know.  I have strict rules I have to follow.”

“Sorry to bother you.”  TiffanyIMBF hangs up.

You’re glad that she didn’t push the issue or act nasty like SoneLyfe888, but you also wonder what it was that caused her to ring you.  Although she’s nice on the forum, TiffanyIMBF doesn’t ring you often, in fact hardly at all.  I guess it was something that meant a lot to her.  You browse the Internet over your morning coffee, and what she wanted to tell you becomes immediately clear as every site you visit is assaulted with demographically-targeted advertising that looks like this:

You check the official website and the first stop on the group’s massive world tour is at a concert venue just down the road from where you live!  You can’t miss this… but you don’t want to get caught by that crazy SoneLyfe chick either.  You ring TiffanyIMBF back.

“OH MY GOD SNSD CONCERT!  IT’S RIGHT NEAR US!  Can you buy me tickets?”

“Sure.  You can’t buy your own?”

“No, I’m not allowed.  Quitting rules… but if you buy tickets and meet me there, nobody will know.  I’ll give you money when I see you.”

“Okay, that’s a deal.  Anything for a Sone!”

You hang up.  Hopefully you can get away with this.

-

On your lunch break at work, you check your phone for messages (it’s on silent at work, so you don’t hear “Cooky”).  There are two messages from Sone Away Services:

Your heart sinks.  Your phone calls are being tapped!  The two messages are only minutes apart from each other – what could have happened so quickly?  You take the rest of the day off work, and race home as fast as you can, to check on things.  Baekhyun meets you at the door, he still has his three remaining legs, much to your relief.  Drawing the gun, you wander from room to room – your house seems in good condition, no sign of any intruders.  After a while, you relax, and most of the afternoon goes by, when you look at your phone again.  You forgot to take it off silent, there’s another message, this time from your boyfriend:

You forgot all about this!  You get ready as quickly as you can and arrive at the restaurant somewhat late.  He seems pleased to see you, but nervous and jittery – a long way from the confident person you knew yesterday.

“What’s wrong?” you ask him.  He responds by holding out his hand:

You gasp in shock.  “So what happened?  Who did this?”

“I honestly don’t know.  I was at home, then I felt something hit me on my head and I went out cold.  When I woke up, this.”

You’re horrified.  How could this be happening?  Surely your ex-military boyfriend would have been sharper than this?  You decide to say nothing for now, but this can’t continue.  The desire for revenge swells inside you.  In your mind, you begin to formulate a plan.

-

It’s the day of the big concert.  You’ve been good – you’ve stayed away from everything Sone-related until today.  You’re in the concert hall foyer, squeezed into a far corner amid the crowds, somewhere that you can get some relative privacy.  TiffanyIMBF is with you, having just collected your concert ticket money.  You’ve asked her to keep an eye out for SoneLyfe888 for you, although you haven’t told her why.  You also have your phone with you, and your gun (the venue didn’t search you very thoroughly).  You dial 080-SONE AWAY.

A recorded message begins.  “Thank you for dialling 080 Sone Away.  We’re here to help you!  In just a few words, please state the nature of your enquiry.”

“SoneLyfe888, I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“Okay.  Putting you through now.”

The recorded voice ends and another recording begins.  “Thank you for calling 080 Sone Away.  Your call is very important to us, so please be patient.  If this is an emergency, plea…”  The voice cuts out and an operator comes on the line.

“080 Sone Away, how can I help you?” asks a man with a thick Amero-Indian accent.

“Listen, cunt.  I’m on your program, and I’m at an SNSD concert!  I’ve got tickets!  I paid full price!”

“Sorry, to whom am I speaking?”

“SONELYFE888 I KNOW YOU’RE BEHIND THIS!  YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD!” you scream at the operator.

“Please do not get abusive at me, or I will have to terminate the call”, the operator says.

“I’M COMING FOR YOU!” you scream.

“Sorry, goodbye” says the operator, as he terminates the call.  In the meantime, people have started staring at your weirdly.  You tried to pick a secluded space in the foyer but it’s very crowded with SNSD fans, and they’re all staring at you, the woman screaming at her phone.  You scowl back at their judging faces, looking for SoneLyfe888 in the crowds, when your concentration is broken by a tune: “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”.  You’ve received a text message.

You notice that TiffanyIMBF is looking at you especially weirdly.  She then starts running away, into the crowds.  You begin to chase her, but then you’re pulled up by a force from behind you which is dragging you by the hair.

“Hi, slut.”  The voice is instantly recognisable.  It’s SoneLyfe888.  She must have heard your screaming and snuck up behind you.  How could you be so stupid?  Surprisingly strong for a 14 year old, she roughly drags you into the men’s toilets and slams you up against the urinal, and then starts kicking you in the chest and stomach with her boots.

“You FUCKING BITCH SLUT CUNT WHORE!” she screams, landing a new kick to your ribs with each abusive epithet.  “You can NEVER leave the Sone fandom!  NEVER!  NEVER!  NEVER!”

You can feel your ribs cracking with each kick.  You reach inside your bag, attempting to find the gun, but it’s too deep and you can’t reach like this while being kicked.  Instead you find something thin and sheer, laminated… a photocard.  You hold it up.

“Signed photocard – look.” you gasp, struggling for air.

SoneLyfe888 stops kicking you and looks at the photocard.  “Which one is that?”

You flick your wrist and fling the photocard over to the other side of the urinal.  SoneLyfe888 scampers over to pick it up and examines it.  After a few seconds she screams “FUCK YOU!  This is a JESSICUNT card!  You piece of SHIT!  NOBODY CARES ABOUT TRAITOR JESSICUNT, SHE’S EVEN MORE OF A TRAITOR THAN YOU ARE!”

SoneLyfe888 turns back to face you and administer more kickings, but the photocard throw was all the distraction you needed.  You’ve managed to somehow draw the gun in your bag and point it at her.  She sees it and stops, frozen in shock.

“This is for 080-Sone Away”, you grimace.

“What?”, says SoneLyfe888.

“And my dog.  And my boyfriend.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, you stupid bitch?”

“Don’t play dumb”, you whimper.  It hurts to talk at normal volume.

“What?  WHAT?”  She’s screaming at you with a combination of anger and confusion which seems all-too-real.  She’s either a great actress, or you’ve fucked up somehow.  Who knows which, you really can’t think straight right now, laying in a urinal with broken ribs about to end someone’s life.  Oh well, she did threaten you, and she did try to kill you, regardless of how deep she is in any of the rest of it, so you figure that she deserves to die anyway.  You unload a dozen shots in her direction, just like your boyfriend showed you.  Only about three or four bullets actually hit, but it’s enough – she slumps to the ground, motionless.

Gradually steadying yourself, you get up, and after about a minute you limp your way out of the toilets and back through the foyer.  Your chest is really hurting.  You become vaguely aware of the opening notes of Girls’ Generation’s “Mr. Mr.” leaking through from the concert hall area, under the thin doors separating the foyer from the concert hall.  The entire foyer area is deserted – everyone present must be in the concert hall watching SNSD.  Just as well, probably nobody heard the gunshots.  You get halfway to the door and realise something – you’re actually more excited to be alive than you are about SNSD playing in the next room from you.  Maybe you’re cured after all, you think to yourself.  Then something hits you on the head, knocking you out cold.

-

You wake up.  You’re lying down on a bench, in a room, with lots of clothes in it.  It looks like some kind of built-in wardrobe or dressing room.  Maybe you’re backstage somewhere, you can hear SNSD somewhere in the distance, playing “Genie“, it’s thudding through the walls.  Your chest still really hurts, and now your head hurts too, you’re in excruciating pain.  There’s a girl in front of you.  She has brown hair and is holding your gun.  She’s talking to another girl, with black hair and a beanie, who otherwise looks almost identical.  They’re arguing about something.

“Hey, I was paid a good contract for this.  You’re not going to steal my money!” says the girl with the brown hair.

“I’m getting paid too!  Why should I give that up?” replies the girl with the black hair.

“How much?”

“$18000.”

“Well, I’m getting $25000 from Sone Away, so fuck you, I’m not giving that up.”

“Do you think that if we both shoot her at the same time, we can both claim our contracts?”

“We’ve only got one gun, which is hers.  Thoughtful of her to provide it, I was just going to smother her.”

“Well, you’ve got the better contract.  What about if you kill her, and we split it?”

“Then I only get $12500, fuck that.  That’s so shit for a job like this, there’s so much risk involved.  Who is paying you and has the hide to only offer $18000?”

“Some girl on the internet, Sone Life or something.”

“That’s all she can do?  She must be brokesville.  Guess those Sones just spend all their income on merch all day.  I tell you what, team anti-Sone is loaded.  They even got their own call centre.”

“SoneLyfe888 is dead”, you groan, inadvertently spitting out blood in the process.  Both of the girls turn to look at you immediately.  They look like you’ve seen them before but you’re not sure where from.

“Really?” the girl with the brown hair asks you.

You nod.  “I shot her in the men’s toilet.”

“That’s her?  Fuck.”  The brown-haired girl turns to the other girl.  “Well sis, looks like your contract is cancelled.”

“Fuck.  That’d be right.” the girl with the black hair sighs.

“Hey at least our decision is easy now.  I promise next contract, I’ll leave it for you, okay?”

The black-haired girl sighs again.  “That’s what you said last time.”

“I mean it this time.  Look, can you dial 080 Sone Away for me while I take care of business?  I hate dealing with the call centre.”  The brown-haired girl points the gun at you, while the other girl gets on the phone.  You’re too broken to fight your impending death, you can’t even stand, and it seems like it would be a good release at this point anyway.  You listen to the black-haired girl on the phone.

“Report a kill….  No, not KissMe, a KILL.   No, I said… I’m not a KissMe!  Oh fuck it… fucking machine, now I have to dial again.”

“Just swear at the voice-detection thing, it’ll put you straight through to a human.” the brown haired girl offers.

“Really?”

“Yeah, it works.  They program that in on purpose.  If you’re swearing at the machine, they figure you’re angry about something, so you get the priority queue and you get seen to quicker.  A girl who worked there told me that trick.”

“I’ll try it.”

“You’ll still get the wrong area most likely, but you’ll usually get the wrong area anyway.  The first centre is just a funneling service to all the other services, it’s the second person who does the contracts.”

The black-haired girl dials again.  “Fuck cunt shit faggot bitch…   Yes, I’d like to report a kill.  Okay, I’ll wait… Yes, that’s her…  is she what?  What do you mean is she dead?  I’m reporting a KILL!”

“Actually, she is still alive.”, says the brown-haired girl.

The black-haired girl looks at you.  “Oh.  Yeah, she is alive actually.  Okay, now I feel stupid.  Guy on the phone… yeah sorry I was talking to someone else here… please hang on a moment.”  The black-haired girl takes the gun off the other girl and quickly shoots you a few times in the stomach.  You don’t even feel it at all, your whole body is overcome with a sense of numbness.  The girl who shot you then bends over and looks at you in the eye, prising your eyelids open slightly to check your consciousness level, and then gets back on the phone.  “Yeah, well she is now.   Do you do direct credit?”

You can feel yourself fading out of existence.  The voices of the girls on the phone drifts away, you become more conscious of the background, the cheers of the crowd muddled by the walls, the bass thump encore of “Into The New World” penetrating the tiny dressing room.  However the very last thing you hear is “oh cooky, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY COOKY”… your phone’s familiar SMS alert.  You’ve received a text message:

Everyone’s jumping on board the netizen comment translating trend lately, and as I’ve been learning a little Korean lately some people have asked me if I might ever consider or be interested in doing the same.  Never one to forsake a good bandwagon, Kpopalypse is now here to answer two pertinent questions:

1. What’s with the explosion in netizen comment translating happening lately?
2. Will Kpopalypse ever enter the tough and competitive field of translating netizen comments, and if so, which ones?

Come on a journey now with Kpopalypse into the wonderful world of translating netizen comments!

To answer the first question, we’re going to need to delve into…

A SHORT AND PROBABLY WILDLY INACCURATE AND WORTHLESS ANCIENT HISTORY OF NETIZEN COMMENT TRANSLATIONS FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M EVEN TALKING ABOUT

Netizen (Internet citizen) comments on k-pop articles were always a feature of k-pop press releases as long as k-pop and the Internet existed, where the press-release writers often added a few comments at the bottom of each article from Internet users to give a general feel for what the public was thinking about whatever the subject of the article was (example here).  These comments were included because the Korean entertainment industry isn’t mature and smart enough to say “fuck what some random idiots think” and therefore actually do base a lot of their business decisions on netizen comment.  However the comments included in the articles themselves weren’t usually real but just paraphrased versions of what netizens were saying, and sometimes completely inaccurate because often these “news” articles weren’t really bona-fide news anyway but just press releases paid for by the k-pop companies given straight to the media outlets who would post them up as “news articles” for a fee, so they’re not going to put anything up there that makes their investment (idols) look too bad.

With the rise of k-pop globally, these articles would get translated to English, with the fake netizen comments intact.  The continual supply of fake or paraphrased comments in articles naturally created a demand from people to read the real netizen comments.

The first site I was aware of that catered to this growing audience was Netizenbuzz, which translated the actual Korean netizen comments (generally a mixture of worthless moronic cyberbullying, shallow surface-level cynicism and laughable kindergarten-level detective work) into English.  Now English-speaking fans didn’t have to take the word of the press releases, they could go to Netizenbuzz and get the “real deal”.  Young and impressionable English-speaking fans bred on cruel “reality” TV and Internet culture that celebrates the loudest and dumbest saw the bone-headed Korean hive-mind laid bare, mostly thought it was fantastic and copied the Koreans’ thoughts and ideas down to the letter, spreading the (lack-of)-thought-cancer outward to their own fandoms.

However not all k-pop fans liked the translations.  A lot of people weren’t very happy with the way Netizenbuzz did comment translation, and as the only well-known published English source of such translations, there were no alternative sources.  K-pop followers often found their favourite groups were neglected just because they weren’t popular enough with Korean netizens for Netizenbuzz to bother translating their articles.  Even worse, fans of certain groups found that they had been negatively editorialised…

…while other groups more favoured by the author received preferential editorial treatment.

For all the site’s faults, Netizenbuzz (which I generally will link) still did/does a far better job of bringing news to k-pop fans than the likes of Allkpop (which I generally won’t link) but nevertheless this selective process and lack of impartiality which Netizenbuzz has never convincingly addressed to my knowledge has caused many readers to redirect their attentions.  Other k-pop comment translating sites such as K-pop K-fans, didn’t contain the same biases and thus were willing to go places that Netizenbuzz would not, redressing the balance of opinion to some degree.

A myriad of other smaller sites also sprung up, devoted to seeking out and translating comments on articles about individual groups and catering to those groups’ fandoms.  Now everybody had their own little pocket version of Netizenbuzz with only positive (and dull – unless you’re a fan) comments geared just towards them.

The problem with all this rabid translating everywhere is that the increased focus on netizen comments means that those comments are now being given even more unjustified importance than previously, and this focus isn’t just limited to Korea any more.  Therefore when new scandals arise, fans reading comment sites still fall into the same old patterns of believing anything they read as long as it fits what seems likely inside their own bias-fuelled heads, and rumour-mongers now have more power to wreck the careers of completely innocent people not just in Korea but internationally with little more than some imagination and some Photoshop editing.

The hive-mind effect is so extreme than even when ironclad evidence of fabricated charges emerges, people are unwilling to come around to the truth.  This is a well-known psychological phenomenon – research shows that people who believe in lies tend to strengthen their belief in the lie when they are proven wrong.  Once someone is heavily invested in a lie, it’s humiliating for them to admit that they spent time and energy believing in falsehood – it’s psychologically less painful to just keep believing whatever they believed before than to accept new contradictory information, especially if the new information is true.  Even more strangely, if the person believing in the lie is intelligent, convincing them of the truth is even more difficult, as intelligent people are better at rationalising their pre-existing beliefs!

So what’s the solution?  Welcome to:

KPOPALYPSE’S NETIZEN COMMENT TRANSLATION TOOL

I’m too lazy to translate comments, but due to the magic of a few friends with some website coding smarts, I’ve recently developed a netizen comment translation tool which takes all the hard work out of comment translation.  The coding for it is apparently super-special and the results given are much more accurate than Google Translate or other such sites, and it works for all Korean netizen comments.  Here’s how the tool works:

1. Find a netizen comment
2. Highlight it with your mouse pointer and press CTRL+C
3. Click the button below
4. Press CTRL+V
5. Click the second button that appears
6. Marvel at the magic of modern translation technology

Now you have (hopefully) a perfect netizen translation!  However if not, please report any bugs to me by commenting below, and we’ll work to refine the tool so it works better for the future.  The tool is in its infancy so we’re always looking at ways to refine the code.  Thanks for reading and Kpopalypse will be back soon!

It’s coming up to Seoul Fashion Week yet again, so that’s a good excuse as any other for another episode of Kpopalypse Fashion Class!

We all know how fashion articles on other k-pop sites usually go – inane boring light-on-content list-post clickbait bullshit.  Instead, why not experience a fashion article that has actual information in it and experience what many other k-pop websites could potentially be like if they stopped catering to 12-year old fuckwads?  Also as a bonus, you can either perv on the pictures of hot k-pop girls, or learn how to look like a hot k-pop girl worth perving on by others!  Could this post be any more perfect?  Read on and find out!

School uniforms, as covered previously in my writing, is classic “white-coater” territory.  To naive prudish types the school uniform might symbolise diligence, hard work and obedience, whereas to in-the-know perverts it’s a goldmine of fap.  No need to take my word for it – it’s well known that the school girl uniform is the most common dress-up fetish, and better essays than mine have spoken at length about the reasons why.

Is the school uniform fetish a bad thing?  No, of course not – all you politically-correct cuntholes clamping down on any human activity that is fun and interesting in the name of your own moral showboating would do well to remember that many women like fetish-wear and in fact find it empowering.  Studies have in fact shown that:

females consume fetish fashions because doing so allows them to experience more positive self evaluations, and that over time these positive evaluations result in sexual empowerment in the form of increased control over sensual experience and sexual self presentation

So since school uniform fap-wear is clearly an empowering force for good, Kpopalypse is now going to show women how they can “take the power back” by looking hot, with k-pop examples!

School uniform fetishism comes from the Catholic schoolgirl tradition and is based on the idea that girls are forced to act prim and proper, thus enabling their repressed sluttiness underneath the surface.  Therefore keeping styles conservative enough to evoke this sexually oppressive tradition is a must.  The first important point is to select appropriate colours.

IU’s schoolgirl combo looks good but doesn’t tap its full potential due to the gaudy pink stripe down the middle.  There’s no way you can get away with shit like that in the super-strict school settings that schoolgirl uniform fetishism is based upon, and as a result the fourth wall of fap is broken.

Apink’s Naeun doesn’t get it right either.  I don’t recall “carrot-encrusted puke” as an official school uniform colour in any school in my immediate vicinity.  The less unusual and more traditional the colours picked, the better.

This leads into our next point, which is “girlishness quota”.  That pink thing in the front of this Wonder Girls line-up is not acceptable school attire (although the clothes behind all meet required standards) – you would get stabbed in the throat by sexy iljin bully girls for wearing something like that at my old school, which isn’t as appealing a death as it sounds.  Not only is the colour wrong but there’s no reason to play up the girlishness – school uniforms are based upon tough manly military dress as they were designed to have a similar disciplinary effect on the psyches of young ratbaggish students.  Prissy pink dress-style uniforms on girls therefore may look objectively appealing but don’t cut the mustard for schoolgirl fap purposes.

T-ara has always been a group squarely aimed at helping men fap (hence all the hate they get from fangirls) and T-ara’s Soyeon gets the girlishness quota right here, pushing the femininity to about the maximum allowable limit before the schoolgirl concept breaks.  Your mileage may vary – as a general rule, broad-shouldered girls or girls with less boobs can amp up the girlish accessorising further than those with slimmer or bustier figures while retaining the schoolgirl effect.  Another example from the same photoshoot illustrates this:

T-ara’s Hyomin already looks very girly right from the outset so she can get away with less fancy girly accoutrements while keeping the schoolgirl image intact.  As a seasoned clothes-designer Hyomin knows this so her accessorising here is more minimal and designed to “masculinise” her image and drag her back into the schoolgirl fap zone.  Put Soyeon’s flower tie and hair accessory on Hyomin instead and suddenly she’s not looking like a schoolgirl anymore.

T-ara don’t always get it right though, and this leads us to our third aspect of schoolgirl fetish which is dress length.  Boram’s dress here is obviously deliberately retro and designed to take the listener back to the days before Korea discovered democracy and fap, and with that dress length Boram looks more like my mum than ever in this picture.  My mother even owned an identical leather school briefcase back in her school days, which just goes to show how accurately they nailed the historic look in this photoshoot, but when people think of schoolgirls in a fetish sense they definitely don’t mean this look.

However it’s also possible to go too far in the other direction.  As the schoolgirl look has been co-opted by the sex industry, having too short a skirt will make you look more like a hooker, shown in the above photo which is less of a school uniform dress, and more of a belt with frills.  Of course looking like a whore is not necessarily a bad thing because whores are excellent, but it also means that you’re not technically looking like a schoolgirl anymore and thus the reservoir of sex appeal and fap value that schoolgirl-fetish can tap into is somewhat harder to access despite the extra flesh being shown.

Hyuna demonstrates about the right minimum length here, however the frills underneath are unfortunate – it’s better to have a clear sense of where the skirt starts and ends, because guys are dumb and easily confused, especially when fapping.

Davichi’s Minkyung shows a superior styling of the same skirt length, and demonstrates why she is hated by all crazy fangirls everywhere.  Note that Hyuna and Minkyung are rocking lots of curve which brings us to our next area of interest, upper-body styling.

Nobody in Apink is really that well-endowed but they certainly are using the school uniform to good effect here, which is exactly what I’d expect from k-pop’s reigning queens of the white-coater concept.  Snugly-fitting white shirts can make just about anybody look busty, and the black ties just add to the effect by providing contrast.

School uniforms also provide the opportunity for layering which is also a proven volume enhancer, although if you layer the same way that everybody else does, you may not be able to compete with bustier competition.  The above photoshoot’s angles have been carefully planned so Sunny doesn’t dominate, but in the real world you won’t have this advantage.

Diversification is the solution.  You don’t want someone you’ve got your eye on to preference somebody else just because of a simple boobs A-B comparison test.  If you want to make it harder for them to marginalise you, utilise unique layering that maximises your assets.  Things to keep in mind:

More lines is better than less.  As discussed previously on Kpopalypse Fashion Class, a straight line accentuates whatever curve it’s up against.  Note how the Apink girls above who come off as bustiest are the ones with more trim on their clothing.

Unless you’re playing with an advantage, don’t unbutton the shirt.  It may seem paradoxical, but the higher the neckline, the more bustiness is generated.  T-ara keep the clothing tight around their necks in the above picture and the result is enhanced volume.  Only undo buttons if you’re already ahead of the pack and are able to rock some significant cleavage.

Not enough lines can look plain, but too much detail can also be confusing.  After School demonstrate a wide variety of styles here, some that work and some that do not.  You can actually tell who is styled poorly here by their facial expressions.

The final aspect is what to put on feet, and the answer is not to leave them bare but utilise dark and high socks or stockings.  This will give your thighs maximum contrast against your shins/feet and your skirt and bring each element forward.  Consider the options modelled by Girl’s Day above to be the bare minimum for enhanced leg hotness.

Brown Eyed Girls demonstrate the ideal situation – socks or stockings that cut off just above the knee.  This gives the same effect as stockings and suspenders but nobody would wear stockings and suspenders to school unless they were a mega whore, and while dressing like a whore is excellent and strongly encouraged by Kpopalypse, it’s also qualitatively different to dressing like a schoolgirl, and if we’re going for a schoolgirl look it’s importnat not to break the fourth wall of fap.  Note how the horizontal lines give extra width to their legs.

A few final points for advanced players:

Crayon Pop’s iconic tracksuit/school uniform combo is only recommended for skilled practitioners of school uniform fap enhancement with enough confidence/underworld connections to get away with this sort of thing and still look cool, or at least silence any naysayers.

Male drag can also look very hot but is a highly advanced field perhaps worthy of a Kpopalypse Fashion Class article all its own one day.  In the meantime, only the bravest cao ni mas with the least amount of fucks given should apply – certainly a task ideally suited to Sulli from f(x).

Oh and this uniform here that Yoona is wearing is a sailor-style Japanese school uniform.  These are creepy and look ugly like hessian sacks and are only fapped to by basement-dwelling otaku and creepy old guys who are even creepier and older than me.  Do not wear under any circumstances.

That’s it for another post!  Hopefully you found a sexist asshole talking down to you for an entire blog post and telling you how to dress when it’s none of his fucking business to be sufficiently entertaining, but if not, at least remember this post’s informative content when all the shithouse Seoul Fashion Week clickbait articles from other sites come out!  Kpopalypse will return with more bullshit nobody cares about soon!

This post is a continually-updated playlist of all the songs played on the Kpopalypse radio show.

This is not a request thread.  For information about making requests or any other questions about the Kpopalypse radio show, click here.  Otherwise, if you’d like to know what I’ve been playing, or what I played on a certain date, read on to check out the playlist!

These lists were originally kept on the OneHallyu forums, but since that forum is having security issues with redirections to third-party websites which their staff are taking a while to fix for unknown reasons, I don’t want to force people to go to a potentially malware-infected website to view a playlist.  As a result I will maintain the playlists at this post from now on, and update it weekly.

For anyone wanting to listen to the shows themselves, bootleg sites are a thing that exists, Google is your friend.  I can’t endorse or link to any bootleg sites for legal reasons, but I do like it that the bootlegging is happening even though I can’t officially condone it.  Feel free to show bootleggers your support in whatever manner you see fit, if you so choose.

The list is in reverse chronological order, so new entries will get added to the top of the list.  All these weekly entries were originally hastily typed up during the actual shows, so expect a mistake here and there, which I won’t bother to fix, because just like showering that wouldn’t be hip-hop.

KPOPALYPSE RADIO SHOW PLAYLIST

-

Playlist 23/2/15 16:00 GMT+10:30:

100% – Bad Boy
Rainbow – Black Swan
Chamsonyeo (Sohyun, G.na, Lizzy, Youngji) – Magic Words
Deepflow – Looking Good
15& ft. Kanto – Love Is Madness
Burstered – Whenever You Call Me
Girls’ Generation – The Great Escape (Brian Lee remix)
Hyorin ft Jooyoung – Erase (beatbox version)
Minx – Why Did You Come To My Home
Boyfriend – Alarm
K-Trance – Hey Hey
Kris Leone – The End
Block B – Nillili Mambo
1Punch – Nightmare
T-ara ft. Davichi – Don’t Leave

–

Playlist 16/2/15 16:00 GMT+10:30:

GD&TOP – High High
Amber ft. Taeyeon – Shake That Brass
Tey (Mr. Mr.) – Dangerous
Zico ft. Ja Mezz – Well Done
TS (T-ara, SPEED, The Seeya, Seunghee) – Don’t Forget Me
Don Mills ft. C Jamm, Okasian – Hwahab
f(x) – Shadow
J-Min – Shine
Nine Muses – Action
Azin – So High
Rainbow – Mach
E.via/Tymee – Chu! (Pick Up U)
Berry Good – Because of You (Acoustic ver.)
MYNAME – Too So Very Much
Secret – Shy Boy

–

Playlist 9/2/15 16:00 GMT+10:30:

AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Like A Cat
4Minute – Crazy
Shinwha – Memory
Sunny Hill – Child In Time
Sinchon Tigers – Ssaekkeun Ppakkeun
Berry Good – Because Of You
U-KISS – Playground
Yuk Jidam – Up All Night
EvoL – Love
CNBlue – Radio
EXID – Every Night
Honeygirls – Again
Block B – Her
1 ft. Beenzino – Dali, Van, Picasso
Hong Jin Young – Love Wifi

–

Playlist 2/2/15 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Jiyeon – 1 Min 1 Sec (Never Ever)
Jay Park – GGG
4Minute – Cold Rain
1Punch – Take Me Back
Davichi – Sorry, I’m Happy
Dok2 – Riatch
Nine Muses – Drama
f(x) – Milk
Laboum – Pit-a-pat
Hitchhiker – Eleven (remix)
Got7 = Stop Stop It
Infinite-H – Pretty
A.KOR – Always
Lovelyz – Secret Journey
Lizzy – Not An Easy Girl

–

26/1/2015 – no show, Australia Day public holiday

–

Playlist 19/1/2015 16:00 GMT+10:30:

BigBang – Still Alive
G.Friend – Glass Bead
JJCC – Fire
Tahiti – Phone Number
Soyul (Crayon Pop) ft. Yang JeongMo – Y-Shirt
NC.A – Coming Soon
Eddy Kim – Apologise
Halo – Fever
Taetiseo – Adrenaline
Junhyung – Flower
5Zic (M.I.B) ft. Roydo – Chillin On My Bed
Laboum – What About You
Queen B’z – bbibbi
Phonebooth – The Wind Rises
IU – Flower

–

Playlist 12/1/2015 16:00 GMT+10:30:

15& – Sugar
Jonghyun – Crazy
Sonamoo – Deja Vu
Epik High – Shoebox
Hello Venus – Wiggle Wiggle
High4 – Day By Day
4Ten – Why
Taewoon ft Dorothy – In Order
Gummi & Sung Hoon – Sunlight
Flashe – My Day
Urban Boy – I Can’t Stop
Melody Day ft. Mad Clown – Anxious
Mad Clown ft. Jinsil (Mad Soul Child) – Fire
Icycider – Bursting
The Seeya ft. LE (EXID) – The Song Of Love

–

Playlist 5/12/2015 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Favourite songs for 2014 15-1

–

Playlist 29/12/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Favourite songs for 2014 30-16

–

Playlist 22/12/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Honourable mentions for 2014

–

Playlist 15/12/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Girls’ Generation – Mr. Taxi
Nell – Green Nocturne
Mama – Second Chance
Dia – Paradise
Busker Busker – Cherry Blossom Ending
Hitchhiker – Eleven
Girl’s Day – Something
T-ara ft. Supernova – Time To Love
Jung Mo (TRAX) – At Gwanghwamun
Fiestar – One More
Bigflo – Bad Mama Jama
miss A – Lips
Freestyle ft. Skull – One Way
f(x) – Red Light

–

Playlist 8/12/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Wonder Girls – So Hot
Masta Wu ft Dok2, Bobby – Come Here
Wassup – Shut Up U
Yoon Mirae with Tiger JK, Bizzy – Angel
Verbal Jint, San E, Phantom – Brand New Day
TaeTiSeo – Adrenaline
Kiss&Cry – Domino Game
AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Like A Cat (acoustic version)
Hyolyn, Jooyoung, Two H – Erase (beatbox version)
Untouchable ft. Babylon – Clockwork
Luluz – How About Me?
WANNA.B – My Type
Lovelyz – Candy Jelly Love
Epik High – Born Hater
Crayon Pop – Lonely Christmas

–

Playlist 1/12/14 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Orange Caramel – Lipstick
Infinite-F – My Heart Is Beating
Shannon – Daybreak Rain
4TEN – Tornado
Strawberry Milk – Feel So Good
Pritz – Sorasora
Tiny-G M – The Only One
NP Union – Raw Pow Pow
Nu.D – Insane
Kkakku – Aspiration
Sunny Hill – Here I Am
TROY – Why Are We
Switch – 39˚c
Atomic Kiz – WA
Berry Good – Love Letter

–

Playlist 24/11/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

4Minute – Hot Issue
EXID – Up And Down
Apink – LUV
GD & Taeyang – Good Boy
Nicole – Mama
T-ara N4 – Little Apple
Halo – Come On Now
GOT7 – Turn Up The Music
Wassup ft Nihwa – Stupid Liar
VIXX – Error
K-Much – What Should I Do
DEAD’P ft. Satbyeol – Check My Swag
Mamamoo – Piano Man
Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby

–

Playlist 17/11/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Kan Mi Youn ft Eric – Paparazzi
Lovelyz – Candy Jelly Love
AOA – Like A Cat
Boys Republic – The Real One
Cross Gene – I’m Not A Boy, Not Yet A Man
Hi Suhyun ft Bobby (iKON) – I’m Different
GOT7 – Stop Stop It
Badkiz – BABOMBA
ALi – Pungpung
Yong Junhyung – Flower
NS Yoon-G – Yasisi
Maboos ft. Swings – Audacious
Pungdeng-E – Baechu Bossam
Diealright – Satellite
Spica – Russian Roulette

–

Playlist 10/11/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

BoA – Only One
Lovelyz – Good Night Like Yesterday
Hello Venus – Sticky Sticky
Spica – Ghost
Teen Top – I’m Sorry
Yezzer ft. M.TySON – Love At First Sight
Quadrough w/JAZZMAL – Better
Clara ft. Yasu – Fear
Orange Caramel – Bubble Bath
EvoL – I’m Sorry
Nuncoband – Future Luv
Zico ft. Don Mills – Tough Cookie
Lunafly – Quiero Besarte
Hong Jin Young – Cheer Up

–

Playlist 3/11/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Apink – Nonono
Epik High – Spoiler
Super Junior – Evanesce
MC Mong ft Jinsil of Mad Soul Child – Miss Me Or Diss Me
Gaeko – Rose
Hotshot – Take A Shot
2AM – Days Like Today
Toppdogg – Annie
K.will – You Don’t Know Love
Laboum – Pit-A-Pat
Songhaye – My First
N.O.M – Nature Of Man
Spica – Painkiller
Dal Shabet – Supa Dupa Diva

–

Playlist 27/10/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Orange Caramel – Gangnam Avenue
Epik High ft. Suhyun (AKMU) – Happen Ending
Purfles – 1,2,3
B.I.G – Are You Ready
BTS (Bangtan Boys) – Danger
WHITETEEZ ft Freshboyz, Swagger – Thumbs Up
D-Holic – I Don’t Know
DGNA – Rilla Go!
Dal Shabet – Have/Have Not (electro swing remix)
T-ara – Roly Poly
Song Jieun – 25
BTS (Bangtan Boys) – War Of Hormone
SKASUCKS – Why
Daesung – It’s A Big Hit!

–

Playlist 20/10/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

2NE1 – Can’t Nobody
Epik High – Born Hater
Strawberry Milk – OK
Boyfriend – Witch
BEAST – 12:30
Gaeko ft. Zion T, HA:TFELT – No Make Up
BeBop & Humming Urban Stereo – Maem Maem
Roydo ft. Sims (M.I.B) – Look Around
VIXX – Error
Girl’s Day – I Miss You
T-ara – ORGR
UNIQ – Falling In Love
Hyangi – Be My First Love
4Minute – Dream Racer

–

Playlist 13/10/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Gangkiz – Mama
Red Velvet ft Taeyong (SR14B) – Be Natural
GOT7 – Around The World
D-LITE – Look At Me, Gwisun
Raina, Kanto (TROY) – You End, And Me
BTOB – You’re So Fly
IU – Sogyeokdong
Pungdeng-E – Jal Tang (I Can’t Afford The Time)
TaeTiSeo – Holler
Hitchhiker – Eleven
YE-A – Up N Down
Madtown – YOLO
Label – The Boating Song
Girl’s Day – Don’t Forget Me

–

Playlist 6/10/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30 (note timezone change):

Red Velvet – Happiness
Girls’ Generation – Genie
EXO – Overdose
SHINee – Lucifer
Ladies Code – Pretty Pretty
IU – Bad Day
Bigflo – Delilah
Sunny Hill – Midnight Circus
F-ve Dolls – You Cheated
Sunmi ft. Jackson (GOT7) – Frozen In Time
Orange Caramel – My Copycat
T-ara – Sugar Free
Tae Jin Ah – I Love You, Darling

–

Playlist 29/9/14 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Block B – Nalina
Crayon Pop – C’mon C’mon
ZPZG – Go Crazy
Song Jieun – Don’t Look At Me Like That
Ailee – Don’t Touch Me
Juniel – I Think I’m In Love
UKISS – Standing Still
Jaejoong – Mine
Jaurim – Nima
SS501 – Love Like This
TaeTiSeo – Twinkle
Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby
ASH-B – By My Side
The Geeks – Defining Moments
Be-Being – Swaehyungsu
BESTie – I Need You

–

Playlist 22/9/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Dal Shabet – Hit U
TaeTiSeo – Holler
2PM – Go Crazy
Minx – Why Did You Come To My Home
MC Sniper ft. BK – Go To Sleep
4TEN – Tornado
NWhite – Hello Boy
Hyungdon & Daejune – Park You
Crayon Pop – Hey Mister
BigBang – Lies
2EYES – Irony
Gilme – My Turn
WAX – Fly High
Linus’ Blanket – Love Me
EZ – Looking Around

–

Playlist 15/9/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

After School – Virgin
T-ara – Sugar Free
Hitchhiker – Eleven
Spica.S – Give Your Love
Basterd – Look Around
Puer Kim – Bank
Gilme – Success (Don’t Kill My Vibe)
Crayon Pop – Saturday Night (dubstep version)
Baechigi – Boy Jump
Teen Top – Missing
Verbal Jint ft. YDG – Rare Breed
Two X – Ring Ma Bell
2PM – Hands Up
Wonder Girls – Like This
f(x) – Red Light

–

Playlist 8/9/14 16:00 GMT+9:30:

T-ara – Lies
Ladies Code – Kiss Kiss
GLAM – In Front Of The Mirror
Jay Park – So Good
Winner – Color Ring
Orange Caramel – Gangnam Avenue
Nasty Nasty – Knock
Primary ft. Yozoh – 37.2 degrees Pink
Park Boram ft. Zico – Beautiful
Sistar – Ma Boy
A.KOR – But Go
912 Crew – Roller Skate
Ladies Code – Hate You

–

Playlist 1/9/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

miss A – I Don’t Need A Man
Ulala Session – You & Me
Sistar – I Swear
JJCC – Bing Bing Bing (One Way)
Super Junior – Mamacita
Stellar – Mask
Mino (Winner) – I’m Him
Kemy (A.KOR) – I’ll Fly
Baechigi ft. Ailee, Eru, Shorry (Mighty Mouth), Lucky J, Shin Bora, Hwa Sa (Mamamoo) – Boy Jump
Lipservice – Too Fancy
Beat Win – Illusion
EXID – Up And Down
Big Byung – Stress Come On!
Sunny Hill – Monday Blues
T-ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You

–

Playlist 25/8/14 16:00 GMT+9:30:

f(x) – Electric Shock
T-ara N4 – Jeon Won Diary
Sistar19 – Gone Not Around Any Longer
KARA – Damaged Lady
U-KISS – Standing Still
Troublemaker – Troublemaker
Apink – Hush
Secret – YooHoo
Dal Shabet – Hit U
MBLAQ – 100%
miss A – Hush
T-ara – Roly Poly

–

Playlist 18/8/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

EXID – I Feel Good
Taemin – Danger
Orange Caramel – My Copycat
Winner – Empty
KARA – Mamma Mia
IU – Wait
Ha:tfelt – Wherever Together
Apink – Nonono
Verbal Jint ft YDG – Rare Breed
Jay Park – The Promise
Junho – Feel
Sunny Hill – Once In Summer
Davichi – Turtle
Masturbation – Positive Man
Girls’ Generation – Run Devil Run

–

Playlist 11/8/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

f(x) – Butterfly
g.o.d. – Saturday Night
Secret – I’m In Love
Rok Kiss – Rok Kiss
Ladies Code – Kiss Kiss
Park Boram ft. Zico – Beautiful
Billion – Dancing Alone
Glam – In Front Of The Mirror
Ouigee – Speeding
Wonder Girls – Tell Me
15& – Not Today Not Tomorrow
IU – A Pierrot Smiles At Us
Sistar – Touch My Body
Kemy – And Go
Kemy – First
f(x) – NU ABO

–

Playlist 4/8/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

f(x) – Red Light
Red Velvet – Happiness
JYJ – Back Seat
Four Ladies – Move
High4 ft. Lim Kim – A Little Close
HA:TFELT – Ain’t Nobody
Kemy – Do The Right Rap
A.KOR – Payday
Smile.G – DoBiDoBop
Girl’s Day – Darling
Juuno ft. Zitten – Poly Evil
BESTie – Pitapat
2NE1 – Fire
After School – Flashback

–

Playlist 28/7/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

F-ve Dolls – LOV
Hyuna – Red
Boys Republic – Dress Up
BESTie – Hot Baby
Block B – Her
Crispi Crunch – Insert Coin
Hyosung – Goodnight Kiss
Dynamic Duo  – BAAAM
Delight – Hate You
Jolly.V – Yes! Yes! Yo!
Mayqueen – Amore Mio
Heyne – Red Lie
Rex.D – Too Violet
Bluepaprika – Longest Night
AOA – Confused
Sistar – How Dare You

–

Playlist 21/7/14 16:00 GMT+9:30:

KARA – Wanna
Infinite – Back
Sistar – Touch My Body
Dynamic Duo ft. DJ Premier – AEAO
San E – Show You The Money
Wings – Blossom
Skull ft. Eugene (The Seeya) – I’m Getting Married
Toppdogg – Topdog
CNBlue – I’m Sorry
G-Masta ft. Color – Cast (Tumang)
Skull – Deh Pon Top
Seulgi & Irene – Be Natural
Girl’s Day – Expectation

–

Playlist 14/7/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Block B – Jackpot
Girl’s Day – Darling
Henry – Fantastic
C-Clown – Let’s Love
BESTie – Like A Star
100% – U Beauty
B.I.G – Hello
Som2 – Deja Vu
Wonder Girls – 2 Different Tears
Ladies Code – Dada La
Brown Eyed Girls – Abracadabra
Megan Lee ft. Junhyung – 8 Dayz
f(x) – Dracula
Infinite – Rosinante
15& – Sugar
Troublemaker – Now
Secret – Shy Boy

–

Playlist 7/7/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Elvis
f(x) – Red Light
LUKUS – So Into U
Fiestar – One More
TOP.IC – See Ya
Airplane – Back To The Future
Kim Wan Sun ft Tiger JK, Bizzy – Goodbye My Love
BigBang – Love Club (English version)
Davichi – Don’t Move
Scarlet – Hip Song
Untouchable – Take Out
Tiny-G – Ice Baby
Lena Park – Double Kiss
Pritz – Too Difficult
Han Ga Eul – Oh Great

–

Playlist 30/6/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

f(x) – Step
Hyomin – Nice Body
HALO – Fever
Crayon Pop – Hey Mister
K.Will – Day 1
2NE1 – Crush
Say Yes – Get Out
Ulala Session ft. IU – Anxious Mind
E.via/Tymee – Shake
So Ji Sub ft. Saetbyul – 18 Years
BEAST – Sad Movie
J-Min – Hoo
Nine Muses – Action
Oh Soo Yeon – Travel
After School – Bang!

–

Playlist 23/6/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

BigBang – Still Alive
Apink – Crystal
Got7 – A
Mamamoo – Mr. Ambiguous
History – Psycho
Xten ft Kim Soo Ah – Chioce
AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Short Hair
Bigflo – Delilah
Dynamic Duo – Summer Time
Ladies Code – Pretty Pretty
Nine Muses – Dolls
BoA – Disturbance
N-Sonic – Crazy
Thornapple – Strange Weather
Chen Zi Tong (Queen T) – Last Shot

–

Playlist 16/6/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

TREN-D – Candy Boy
Taeyang – 1AM
Bob Girls – No Way
B2ST – Good Luck
San E, Raina – A Midsummer Night’s Sweetness
Urstreet – Do What You Wanna
Yuna Kim ft. Tiger JK, Bizzy – Without You Now
Tahiti – Oppa Is Mine
Dal Shabet – Enter Dal Shabet
BigBang – Beautiful Hangover
G.na – Top Girl
B.A.P. – One Shot
Hyosung – Goodnight Kiss
Cherry Filter – Andromeda
Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby

–

Playlist 9/6/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Girl’s Day – Don’t Forget Me
Taeyang – Eyes, Nose, Lips
U-KISS – Quit Playing
Davichi – Again
ToppDogg – Topdog
Nine Muses – Rumor
SPEED – Why I’m Not
B.A.P. – Where Are You?  What Are You Doing?
Boyfriend – Obsession
Z:EA – Breathe
Lee Seung Cheol – I’m In Love
KARA – Pandora
Jiyeon – Yeuido Cherry Blossom
Pansori Project Za – Wongi Jarang
F-ve Dolls – NONONO

–

Playlist 2/6/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Epik High – One
U-KISS – Quit Playing
IU – My Old Story
VIXX – Eternity
Smile.G – DoBiDoBop
Jay Park – Taekwondo
Year 7 Class 1 – Always
Sunny Hill – Puppetry
Lee Hi – Rose
Berry Good – Love Letter
The Vinylhouse – Sad Moonlight
Yery Band – Romeo Mannequin
Phantom ft. Gain – Seoul Lonely
f(x) – Step

–

Playlist 26/5/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Crayon Pop – Bing Bing
Jiyeon – 1 min 1 sec
Orange Caramel – Abing Abing
2NE1 – Gotta Be You
15& – Sugar
Flashe – Hey You
Humming Urban Stereo ft Narsha – Bullshit
Hello Venus – What Are You Doing Today?
Block B – Nillili Mambo
Akdong Musician – 200%
SHINee – Sherlock
After School – Spotlight
Berry Good – Love Letter
Infinite – Last Romeo
EvoL – Magnet

–

Playlist 19/5/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

EXO-K – Run
IU ft. Kim Chang Wan – The Meaning Of You
BTL – Too-G
Bay.B – Que Cera Cera
M. Pire – Not That Kind Of Person
Megan Lee ft. Junhyung (B2ST) – 8dayz
Stellar – Study (remix)
Younha – Supersonic
Girl’s Day – Don’t Trust Her
Basterd – Bad News
Mr. Mr. – Big Man
Dodo – Yori Yori
Wonder Girls – Wonder Party
miss A – Goodbye Baby

–

Playlist 12/5/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

KARA – Step
EXO-K – Overdose
Hyosung – Good Night Kiss
G.NA – G.NA’s Secret
Wheesung – Night And Day
g.o.d – The Lone Duckling
2NE1 – Come Back Home
Troublemaker – Attention
Dia (Kiss&Cry) – Bad Girl
Lapus Lazuli – Never Don’t Dtop
IU – Love Of B
Girls’ Generation – Paparazzi
Junggigo ft Beenzino – Want U
HISTORY ft. IU – Dreamer
Stellar – T.I.E.

–

Playlist 5/5/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Tae Jin Ah – It Is Snowing
Akdong Musician – Give Love
Outsider – Hands
100% – Phone
Pritz – Go Girls!
Juniel – The Next Day
Sunmi – 24 Hours
JJCC – At First
Crayon Pop – Uh-ee
T-ara, The Seeya, SPEED, F-ve Dolls – Painkiller
SPEED ft. Minkyung – That’s My Fault
A-JAX – Insane
Badkiz – Ear Attack
Bebop – I’m The Best
SoReal – My Heart Says
Kan Mi Youn ft. Mir (MBLAQ) – Crazy

–

Playlist 28/4/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Nine Muses – Figaro
Hyolyn ft. Lil Boi (Geeks) – OMG
Epik High – Breakdown
T-ara – Ma Boo
EXO-K – History
The Seeya & Son Ho Jun – More And More
NC.A – O My God
Bang Yong Guk & Zelo – Never Give Up
Apink – My My
After School – Yes No Yes
GP Basic – Game
Crash – Crashday
BoA – Only One
IU – The Red Shoes

–

Playlist 21/4/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Orange Caramel – So Sorry
Akdong Musician – Melted
Block B – Jackpot
Steve Wu, DOOS ft. Lil Cham – Black Shoes
IU & HIGH4 – Not Spring, Love Or Cherry Blossoms
BTS (Bangtan Boys) – No More Dream
Crayon Pop – Lonely Christmas
Song Jieun ft. Bang Yoon-Gook – Going Crazy
Sunmi – Burn
Stellar – Guilty
Eun Ga Eun ft. RP-Q – Baby Baby
Hanhae (Phantom) ft. San E & C-Luv – Hang Up
Dongjun (ZE:A) ft. SoReal – Hold My Hand
Lee Ye Jun – Noona How Are You

–

Playlist 14/4/14 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Hong Jin Young – My Love
B.A.P. – Coffee Shop
EvoL – Get Up
VIXX – Hyde
Apink – Mr. Chu
Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby
B2ST – Black Paradise
AOA – Miniskirt
Jay Park – Metronome
NC.A – I’m Different
Pascol – Merry Black Day
Crush – Sometimes
Rose Motel – Go! Go! Go!
Girls’ Generation – Mr. Mr.
Tae Jin Ah – I Love You, Darling

–

Playlist 7/4/2014 16:00 GMT+9:30:

After School – Virgin
Crayon Pop – Uh-ee
ToHeart – Tell Me Why
Akdong Musician – 200%
SPEED – Look At Me Now
Madclown ft. Hyolyn (Sistar) – Without You
BTS – One Day
Alice White – Baby Like That
NS Yoon-G – Yasisi
Ladies Code – Hate You
SunnyHill – Romantic Comic
NOM – You It You
K-Girls – Not Bad
T-ara, The Seeya, F-ve Dolls, SPEED – Painkiller
Badkiz – Ear Attack

–

Playlist 31/3/2014 16:00+GMT 10:30:

Wonder Girls – Like This
Super Junior-M – Swing
Apink – Mr. Chu
M.I.B. – Bounce
Badkiz – Ear Attack
F.CUZ – One Love
TINT – Wolf Is Stupid
100% – Beat
MBLAQ – Be A Man
Billion – Dancing Alone
JJCC – At First
A-ONE ft. Kani – Reborn
Hong Jin Young & You Se Yoon – Itaewon Battery
4Minute – Volume Up
Bom (2NE1) – You And I

–

Playlist 24/3/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Dal Shabet – Have/Have Not
MBLAQ – Be A Man
M.O.A. – Run For Your Dream
Wu Tan – Dododo
Orange Caramel – Cried Uncontrollably
Boys Republic – Video Game
Girl’s Day – Something
SPEED – Zombie Party
Pascol – Like The Movies
So Myoung ft. Kiss&Cry – Are You Okay
Navi – Gone Too Far
Girls’ Generation – Mr. Mr.
SoReal – My Heart Says
Orange Caramel – Catallena

–

Playlist 17/3/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

2NE1 – Come Back Home (unplugged)
Orange Caramel – Catallena
Toheart – Delicious
Sunmi ft. Jackson (GOT7) – Frozen In Time
100% – Beat
Brick – Puzzle
4minute – Whatcha Doin’ Today?
VIXX – On And On
Philtre ft. Choiza, Lim Kim – Last Scene
Still PM – Miss Taken
SoReal – My Heart Says
TROY – Green Light
Locofrank – Crossover
Son Heun Su – Go And Come Back
Orange Caramel – Magic Girl

–

Playlist 10/3/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Girls’ Generation – Mr. Mr.
Scarlet – Do Better
KARA – 1+1
Lunafly ft. Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls) Special Guy
Wu Tan – No Role Model
K.will ft. Mamamoo – Peppermint Chocolate
B.A.P – One Shot
T-ara – Cry Cry
Chungchun – Freshman Song
Just Cricket – Turn On The TV
Nine Muses – News
A-mi – Almost
2NE1 – Scream
GOT7 – Girls Girls Girls
Apink – Nonono

–

Playlist 3/3/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

U-KISS – Neverland
Girls’ Generation – Mr. Mr.
2NE1 – Come Back Home
TVXQ – Spellbound
Bestie – Thank You Very Much
SPEED – Don’t Tease Me
After School – One Week
1PS – Because I’m Your Girl
Nell – Four Times Around The Sun
Swings ft. Gray – Victorious 2
2NE1 – Happy
Girl’s Generation – Europa
2NE1 – Crush
Crayon Pop – Dancing Queen 2.0

–

Playlist 24/2/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Girls’ Generation – Mr. Taxi
T-ara – First Love
Boys Republic – Video Game
CNBlue – Can’t Stop
Park Ji Yoon – Beep
After School – Time’s Up
Nine Muses – Miss Agent
SPEED – Why, I’m Not
T-ara – Lead The Way
Togeworl – Talk To Me
Kim Bada – Moonage Dream
Brown Eyed Soul – Pass Me By
A.T. – Melancholy
Girls’ Generation – Oh!

–

Playlist 17/2/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Sistar -Alone
Ladies Code – So Wonderful
Taewoon (SPEED) – Focus
S.M. The Ballad – Breath
K.will, Mamamoo ft. Whee Sung – Peppermint Chocolate
Bebop – I’m The Best
Skrew Attack – Drama
Spiky Brats – Together Moshing
Sunmi – Full Moon
Pungdeng-E – I Can’t Afford The Time
Stellar – Marionette
SPEED ft. Minkyung (Davichi) – That’s My Fault
Got7 – Girls Girls Girls
BTS – Boy In Luv
F-ve Dolls – LOV

–

Playlist 10/2/2014 16:00+GMT10:30:

f(x) – Toy
Year 7 Class 1 – Oppa Virus
B.A.P – 1004 (Angel)
Spica – Painkiller
Lipservice – Yumyumyum
Gain – Truth Or Dare
GPBasic – Pika-Burnjuck
Hyolyn – Lonely
Kikaflo – Rap Zombie 2
Mongliers – Monster
OH!nie – Graduation
Pungdeng-E – Cotton Candy
The Seeya – More And More
Zizo ft. Lim Kim – Winter Of Haeyundae
T-ara – Like The First Time

–

Playlist 3/2/14 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Nine Muses – Wild
Gain ft. Bumkey – Fuck You
Crayon Pop & Kim Jang Hoon – Hero
Topbob – Run Away
Spica – You Don’t Love Me
San E, Tymee and others – Sound Providers Of Korea
GOT7 – Girls, Girls, Girls
The Seeya – Tell Me (piano version)
Kiss&Cry – Domino Game
After School – Shh
Louie (Geeks) & Boy Wonder – Twilight
Puer Kim – Manyo Maash
Sistar – Loving U

–

27/1/2014 – no show, Australia Day public holiday

–

Playlist 20/1/2014 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Trouble Maker – Now
GOT7 – Girls, Girls, Girls
K-much – Good To Go
Rainbow Blaxx – Cha Cha
B1A4 – Lonely
AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Miniskirt
Snatch – Tonight
FT Island ft Song Euni – Age-Height
Ailee – U&I
Tahiti – Love Sick
Gary (Leessang) – Shower Later
Ashgray – The Little Prince
Rumble Fish – The Virulent Song
Verbal Jint, San E, Bumkey, Swings, Phantom, Kanto – You Make Me Feel Brand New
Rania – Just Go

–

Playlist 13/1/2014 16:00+GMT 10:30

Crayon Pop – 1,2,3,4
TVXQ – Something
Girl’s Day – Something
Rain – LA Song
Dal Shabet – Big Baby Baby
Beat Win – She’s My Girl
Ailee & Lee Joon (MBLAQ) – Singing Got Bettter
Rain – 30Sexy
Brown Eyed Girls – Abracadabra
T-ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You
San E, ULTIMA, SOOL J, EFFECT, SCARY’P – Frestyle Town
Swings – Bulldozer
Son Dambi – Red Candle
Pungdeng-E – Ai Tang
Sunmi – 24 Hours

–

Playlist 6/1/2014 16:00 PM GMT+10:30:

Favourite songs for 2013 15-1

–

Playlist 30/12/2013 16:00 PM GMT+10:30:

Favourite songs for 2013 30-16

–

Playlist 23/12/2013 16:00 PM GMT+10:30:

Mystic Holiday – Christmas Wishes
K.will & Noel – Perfume
IU & Jang Yi Jeong (HISTORY) – Friday
EXO – Miracles In December
Kim Bum Soo – A Story Sadder Than Sadness
LPG – Hyo Nyeo Si Dae
Freshboyz – Koala
Pungdeng-E – Ai-Tang
SHINee – Colorful
Miss $ ft. Skull – Just Let Me Live
SNK – Harness Hustle
Double K ft. Jay Park – Nom
BESTie – Zzang Christmas

–

Playlist 16/12/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Crayon Pop – Lonely Christmas
T-ara – Hide & Seek
Freestyle ft. Navi – Winter Song
Nine Muses – Glue
B.A.P – Badman
BTOB – Wow
Brown Eyed Girls – Kill Bill
Offroad – Head Banging
Rainbow – Don’t Touch
G-Dragon – Crooked
F-ve Dolls – Nonono
Infinite-H ft. Zion T. – Without U
Secret – I Do I Do
IU – Obliviate
SHINee – Everybody

–

Playlist 9/12/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Girls’ Generation – Express 999
T-ara – What Should I Do?
Nine Muses – Glue
Secret – I Do I Do
G.na ft. Phantom – Mornin’
Heyne – Love 007
Untouchable – Trip
Younha ft Eluphant – Not There
miss A – Hide & Sick
MBLAQ – Stay
Taeyang – Ringa Linga
VIXX – Girls, Why
T-ara – 1977 Do You Know Me?
Captain Bootboi – We’ll Kick You Down
Girl’s Day – Don’t Forget Me

–

Playlist 2/12/13 16:00 PM GMT+10:30:

miss A – Hush
Crayon Pop – Lonely Christmas
Tasy – Day & Night
History – What Am I To You
The Boss – Why Goodbye
Tymee (formerly E.via) – From Your Bitch
M.I.B. ft. Bomi (Apink) – Let’s Talk About You
Electroboyz ft. C-Luv – Busted
U-Kiss – Standing Still
Jaurim – Icarus
f(x) – Step
Apink – Nonono
Dal Shabet – Have/Have Not
T-ara – Number Nine

–

Playlist 25/11/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Crayon Pop – Dancing Queen 2.0
2NE1 – Missing You
VIXX – Voodoo Doll
Dynamic Duo ft. Hyolyn (Sistar) – Hot Wings
Dynamic Duo ft. Zion T. – Three Dopeboyz
Davichi – The Letter
miss A – Touch
T.O.P – Doom Dada
Rainbow – Chewing Time
Wassup – Wassup
Tint – Love At First Sight
Nine Muses – Gun
Spica – Lonely
Seungri – Gotta Talk To U

–

Playlist 18/11/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

VIXX – Only U
T.O.P – Doom Dada
G-Dragon – Who You!
LED Apple – With The Wind
NC.A – Oh My God!
Rainbow – Don’t Touch
M (Lee Minwoo) ft Dyna-Mic – Stomp
miss A – Over U
2AM – Never Let You Go Even If I Die
Lim Kim – Goodbye 20
Phantom ft. Navi – New Era
Gummy ft. Big Brother – Only One
San E ft. Verbal Jint & Swings – Where Did You Sleep
Park Jiyoon ft. San E – Mr. Lee
Blady – Blood Type B Girl
2NE1 – Can’t Nobody

–

Playlist 11/11/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

T-ara & Supernova – T.T.L. Listen 2
Trouble Maker – Now
miss A – Hush
Taeyang – Ringa-Linga
VIXX – Only You
Girls’ Generation – My Oh My
Mr. Mr. – Do You Feel Me
Mandi & Chigi ft. Narae (Spica) – He Says, She Says
Olltii – Come Up
BESTie – Love Options
Teen Top – To U
Gain – Bloom
EXO – Mama
Ailee – I’ll Show You

–

Playlist 4/11/2013 16:00 +10:30 GMT:

Girls’ Generation – I Got A Bot
Fiestar – I Don’t Know
Jaejoong (JYJ) – Just Another Girl
Tint – Love At First Sight
U-KISS – She’s Mine
Crayon Pop – BarBarBar
SPEED – Pain The Love Of Heart
miss A – Good Bye Baby
GD&TOP – High High
2NE1 – Falling In Love
Crayon Pop – Dancing Queen
g.o.d – Observation
Hello Venus – Would You Stay For Tea?
Girls’ Generation – Galaxy Supernova

–

Playlist 28/10/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

2NE1 – Fire
IU – Love Of B
T-ara – #9
A-Jax – SNake
Delight – School Paper 땡땡땡!
Grey ft. Jay Park – Dangerous
G-Dragon – Crayon
Henry – Trap
Davichi – Turtle
Chi Chi – Love Is Energy
Chocolat – Black Tinkerbell
Super Junior M – Break Down
IU ft. Gain – Everybody Has Secrets
Ailee – I’ll Show You

–

Playlist 21/10/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30

IU – The Red Shoes
K.will – You Don’t Know Love
BESTie – Love Options
U-KISS – Alone
Crayon Pop – Bing Bing
Xia Junsu (JYJ) ft. Quincy – Incredible
T-ara – Why Are You Being Like This
2PM – Come Back When You Hear This Song
After School Red – Into The Night Sky
Bumkey ft. Dynamic Duo – Attraction
Girl’s Day – Let’s Go
Zico – Cocks
Bohyung (Spica) – Crazy Girl
Ladies Codes – Hate You

–

Playlist 14/10/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

G-Dragon – That XX
SHINee – Everybody
T-ara – #9
IU – The Red Shoes
VIXX ft. OKDAL – Girls, Why
Kahi ft. Dumbfounddead – It’s Me
MYNAME ft. D.O. – Day By Day
AOA (Ace Of Angels) – Confused
Nine Muses – Gun
Rainbow – To Me
Rottyful Sky – No Way
T-ara – I Know The Feeling
SPEED ft. Haeri (Davichi) – It’s Over
f(x)  Rum Pum Pum Pum

–

Playlist 7/10/2013 16:00 GMT+10:30:

Nu’est – Action
Tiny-G – Miss You
Block B – Very Good
Seo In Young ft. Gaeko (Dynamic Duo) – Please Love Me
Flashe – Oh Ye Yo
TREN-D – Candy Boy
Jomungeun Band – Say Something
Song Jieun (Secret) ft. Zelo (B.A.P) – Vintage
Spica – Lonely
San-E – Story Of Someone I Know
100% – Bad Boy
Girls’ Generation – Galaxy Supernova
K.will – Please Don’t
B.A.P – Hurricane
Nine Muses – Wild

–

Playlist 30/9/2013 16:00+9:30 GMT:

Brown Eyed Girls – Kill Bill
Infinite – Request
Song Jieun (Secret) – False Hope
Busker Busker – Love, At First
Crayon Pop – Dancing Queen
DEMION ft. Wooju (Wa$$up) – Ask Her Out
KK ft. Wa$$up – Boys Be
T-ara – I Go Crazy Because Of You
MBLAQ – Run
Kye Bum Zu ft. Dok2 – Something Special
Piggy Dolls – Butterflies
BoA – Only One
Dynamic Duo ft. Muzie (UV) – BAAAM
BigBang – Still Alive

–

Playlist 23/9/2013 16:00 GMT+9:30

SHINee – Lucifer
Block B – Be The Light
F-ve Dolls – You Cheated
FTIsland – Memory
Girl’s Day – Easy Go!
After School – Time’s Up
BTOB – Imagine
GLAM – In Front Of The Mirror
History ft. IU – Dreamer
T-ara/The Seeya/F-ve Dolls/SPEED – Painkiller
Sunny Hill – Romantic Comic
Delight – Mega Yak
Global Icon – Beatles
EXO-M – Growl

–

Playlist 16/9/2013 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Dal Shabet ft. Bigtone – Hit U
Seungri – Let’s Talk About Love
Soyou ft. Madclown – Stupid In Love
F-ve Dolls ft. Dani (T-ara) – Can You Love Me?
Drunken Tiger – The Cure
AA – OK About It
Rphabet ft. San E – Black Suit
BTS – N.O.
A.T. ft. Geeks – Don’t Be
Rania – Killer
Seo In Young – Magical Radio (Elly Mhz)
Skull – One Day
No Brain – Take ‘Em All
Piggy Dolls – LUV Game
f(x) – Rum Pum Pum Pum

–

Playlist for 9/9/13 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Wonder Girls – 2 Different Tears
Sunmi – 24 Hours
Girls’ Generation – Galaxy Supernova
Teen Top – Rocking
KARA – Damaged Lady
History – Tell Me Love
G-Dragon – Crooked
Apink – U You
Spica – Tonight
Nu’est – Hello
Drunken Tiger – 8:45 Heaven
Dok2 – 1llin
Ladies Code – Pretty Pretty
Piggy Dolls – Ordinary Girl

–

Playlist 2/9/13 16:00+9:30 GMT:

4Minute – Hot Issue
Tymee (AKA TAFKA e.via) – Cont LOL
G-Dragon – Coup D’Etat
Hyuna ft. DOK2 – Just Follow
Jucy ft. Deepflow – Jucy Fresh
Jiggy Fellaz – Good Moanin’
Beenzino – Aqua Man
Outsider ft. G.O. – Bye U
San E – No More JYP
PSY – Champion
Zico – Cocks
E.via ft Double Trouble, Basick, Innovator – Hey!
Jiggy Fellaz – Yo Ye Yo

–

Playlist 26/8/2013

Super Junior – Sorry, Sorry
Girls’ Generation – I Got A Boy
G-Dragon – One Of A Kind
T-ara – Roly Poly
U-Kiss – Standing Still
f(x) – NU ABO
Teen Top – Miss Right
Apink – Nonono
Infinite – The Chaser
GD&TOP – Knock Out
Secret – Love Is Move
T-ara – Don’t Leave

–

Playlist 19/8/2013 16:00+9:30 GMT:

4minute – What’s Your Name?
Seungri – Gotta Talk To U
Bumkey ft. Dynamic Duo – Attraction
Kim Sori – B.I.K.I.N.I.
Phantom – I Already Know
Dok2 & DoubleK – Die Legend 3
Swings ft. Beenzino, Gray & Zion T. – A Real Lady
Son Dam Bi – Queen
Sung Hoon ft. E-Sens – Fail In Love
Infinite – Paradise
SUHO ft. Kim Tae Woo – I’m Not Kidding
f(x) – Toy
Lim Kim – All Right
2NE1 – Falling In Love

–

Playlist 12/8/13 16:00 GMT+9:30:

Infinite – The Chaser
2NE1 – Do You Love Me
B.A.P. – Badman
Ladies Code – Hate You
Wa$$up – Wa$$up
Nada – Bang Bang
f(x) – Airplane
Girl’s Day – Easy Go!
Swings ft. Beenzino, Gray, Zion T. – A Real Lady
Tasty – Mamama
Defconn ft. T-ae (Rania) – Cocktail
Bigstar – Run & Run
MBLAQ – No Love
Dis Boyz ft. Ah Young (Dal Shabet) – Gulp Down
Ulala Session ft. Suhl Woon Do – Fonky
Lee Jung Hyun – V

–

Playlist 5/8/13 16:00 GMT+9:30

T-ara N4 featuring SPEED – Jeon Won Diary
EXO – Growl
Outsider ft G.O (MBLAQ) – Bye U
VIXX – G.R.8.U
5Dolls – Soulmate 1
P-Type – Volcano
San-E – Story Of Someone I Know
Brown Eyed Girls – Kill Bill
Younha – Run
Summer Here Kids – Fish And Chips
Wonder Girls – Dear Boy
Lunafly – Yeowooya
Bohemian – Send, Bye, Sorry
EXO – Mama
T-ara ft. Davichi & Skull – Bikini

–

Playlist 29/7/2013 16:00 PM GMT+9:30

After School – Rip Off
f(x) – Rum Pum Pum Pum
Kim Hyun Joong featuring Jay Park – Unbreakable
Brown Eyed Girls – Kill Bill
Lush – Miserable
Supreme Team – Super Magic
AOA Black – Moya
Tahiti – Love Sick
Crayon Pop – Bar Bar Bar
EXO – Wolf
Lee Yu Rim – Call My Name
After School – Dilly Dally
B.A.P – Hurricane
2NE1 – Falling In Love

–

Playlist 22/7/13 16:00 GMT+9:30

Hyuna – Ice Cream
Infinite – Destiny
Apink – Secret Garden
B.A.P – Hurricane
Bikiny – Take On Me
B2ST – Shadow
Bumkey ft. E-Sens – Bad Girl
D-Unit – Face To Face
Kim Hyung Jun – Oh! Ah!
Davichi – Time, Please Stop
Lim Kim – Coloring
San E – No More JYP
Brown Eyed Girls – Recipe
E.via (aka Tymee) – I Know How To Play
T-ara – One & One

–

Playlist 16:00 GMT+9:30 15/7/13:

2NE1 – Falling In Love
Xia Junsu ft. Quincy – Incredible
Untouchable ft. Andrew Choi – Call Me
Dynamic Duo ft. Muzie (UV) – BAAAM
Ailee – U & I
A-JAX – Insane
BESTie – Pitapat
Stellar – Study
Jewelry – Call My Name
2PM – A.D.T.O.Y.
After School – Love Beat
Lim Kim – All Right
Ahreum (T-ara) ft. Shannon & Gunji (GavyNJ) – Day & Night
miss A – I Don’t Need A Man

–

8 July 2013 16:00 GMT+9:30.

Ailee – I’ll Show You
2NE1 – Falling In Love
Jewelry ft. Hyung Sik (ZE:A) – Hot & Cold
MYNAME – Baby I’m Sorry
Mr. Mr. – Waiting For You
Apink – Nonono
Jucy (EvoL) ft. Deepflow – Jucy Fresh
Dynamic Duo ft. Supreme Team & DJ Friz – Lee Dae Ho
EXO – Machine
T-ara – Bunny Style!
Rania – Up
Sunny Hill – Romantic Comics
f(x) – Zig Zag
Orange Caramel – Milkshake
LE (EXID), Junhyung (B2ST) & Feeldog – You’ve Got Some Nerve

–

The show’s broadcast history goes back to April 2012 but I didn’t start making lists until July 2013, so the list stops here.  Sunny’s writing hand is tired anyway.  I couldn’t tell you exactly what I played prior but I can tell you the following:

• Girls’ Generation’s “Gee” was the first song played on the first Kpopalypse radio show.  The whole show was basically just my favourite songs at the time, many of which you can find here.
• PSY’s “Gangnam Style” did get a decent run for a few weeks when it first appeared, but once it went viral I stopped playing it, because other radio stations where I live started picking it up, and if they start playing something, I’ll always stop playing it.
• The ratio of well-known artists to nugus has never changed much.
• Qri doesn’t care.

Thanks for all those who support the Kpopalypse radio show, whether by subscribing to the radio station, sending me stuff, spreading the word or just by listening!  I couldn’t do it without you!

Every day people ask me to review things, so I thought why not do a review of a film?  Especially a film that’s relevant to the world of k-pop, and that few of you have seen (I couldn’t find any other reviews of this film anywhere in the k-pop blogosphere).  Yes, that’s right, it’s time for Kpopalypse to take a look at BoA and SM Entertainment’s “Make Your Move”.

“Make Your Move” collected mixed reviews when it came out, and had such a reputation for being crap among k-poppers that even BoA fans didn’t want to watch it – but how bad is it, really?  Does it have any redeeming features?  Should it have been more successful or was the mass box-office shunning completely justified?  Time to find out, as Kpopalypse braves his sanity and jumps in front of a speeding, tap-dancing bullet just for you, the dear readers!

Released: 2013

Running time: 105 minutes

Wikipedia entry

IMDB entry

I found this film on DVD in the movies section of my local JB Hi-Fi, retailing for the princely sum of $12.98, which is a price point somewhere between “film someone somewhere might actually care about” and “we just want to get rid of this shit off our shelves”.  Seeing as how people are always asking me for my “thoughts”, here are the thoughts I had when I saw this film on the shelf, in order.

“Wow, my DVD store actually HAS this?”

“Who is Derek Hough and why is he elbowing BoA in the tit?”

“Gosh, $12.98 – that’s a bit steep for such an obscure flop – but if I don’t buy it now, I’ll probably never see this again anywhere ever because I’m sure it’s not a hot-ticket item that the store will be desperately intent on restocking if it sells, so what the fuck I’ll buy it, it’ll make good review material.”

“This is almost guaranteed to be crap, I hope my readers appreciate this.”

It’s clear to me that not many people watched this film because I couldn’t find any reviews of it on k-pop sites.  This surprised me – a film about dancing, starring a Korean pop singer known as one of the style’s better dancers, how could this not generate interest in the k-pop community?  I saw lots of comments from people saying “gee, no surprise that this sucks” when hearing about how it flopped at the box office but it was all valueless commentary because it was almost all written from people who hadn’t actually seen the film.  I’m a big believer in experiencing something before I cast judgement – most people I know have strong negative opinions on pop-cultural items like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey, but I haven’t checked them out so I can’t justifiably join in on the trendy cynicism that’s circulating.  In fact, my friends constantly (and I mean constantly) rabbiting on about how terrible those books/films were actually makes me want to check them out purely so I can participate in the conversation instead of feeling forced to be silent.  So it’s also partly for similar reasons that I ended up watching “Make Your Move”.

Some research before I began watching (i.e reading the back of the DVD box) revealed that Derek Hough was in some American TV show called “Dancing With The Stars” which I never watched or knew about.  Also the screenwriter and director of this also wrote the scripts for those “Step Up” and “Save The Last Dance” films, which means he’s actually got experience doing this type of thing.  I’ve never seen those films and maybe they lick balls, but they seem like a similar sort of thing and I would have hoped that doing the same kind of film over and over would make one better at it over time.  Or maybe not.  Oh well.  Anyway, I put the lights down low and pumped up the speaker volume on my widescreen TV, giving “Make Your Move” every fair chance to impress me, and here’s what I got in return:

Plot synopsis: Derek plays Donny, a career criminal who makes a living by distracting people while other people steal stuff, which seems like something film-producers SM Entertainment would know a fair bit about.  What doesn’t make a lot of fucking sense to me is that his method of distraction is tap-dancing, I mean why learn tap-dancing when flashing your dick at random strangers is way more distracting and would work way better plus requires no special training.  Anyway he doesn’t really look the part of someone who cons people for a living which is the film’s first major flaw – shitty casting.  A “too fresh-faced for the role” issue is what I call “DiCaprio Syndrome”.  In the film Titanic, Leonardo DiCaprio was cast as some world-weary traveller who had been everywhere and done everything and seen the world yet he looked like a 17 year old high-schooler and this seriously downgraded the film’s believability (Kate Winslet’s boobs made it okay, though).  Derek’s character’s credibility is similarly handicapped, and they try to make up for it with a bit of stubble and some old clothes but he never at any stage looks like anything other than a model showcasing some clothing company’s new line of “pre-aged” jeans.  Not that BoA is much better – she’s supposed to be some bold no-rules rebel dancer but she spends most of her screen time making simpering doe-eyes at Derek or acting like someone just took a piss in her cornflakes.  Anyway the story basically is that Donny is inspired by (don’t laugh) five seconds of Internet footage of some girls in a club lamely dancing to f(x)’s “Nu Abo” to skip parole, move to Brooklyn and sponge mercilessly off his brother for employment in a dance club where he by chance runs into Aya (BoA) who’s family runs a rival dance club.   From that point onward we’re in for a completely predictable story which meshes most of the elements of “Romeo and Juliet” (romance between two people from warring families who hate each other for vague and trivial reasons that anybody with a life wouldn’t give two shits about) with most of the elements of a Mills and Boon romance novel (guy meets girl / guy pesters girl annoyingly like a rapist until she relents and lets him into his life a little just to shut him the fuck up / girl discovers that she’s falling for him probably due to a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome / they fuck / some dumb misunderstanding or communication breakdown that is ultimately trivial gets in the way and they break up / while apart they can’t stop thinking about each other / they sort it out in the end via some weird contrived scheme and get back together).  The rear box art even admits as much, calling the film a “modern day Romeo and Juliet” and while also using every Mills and Boon cliche in the book:

So you pretty much already know everything that’s going to happen in the film just from reading the back of the box.  The only thing left to chance is, will they go for a traditional Shakespearian ending (everybody dies) or a Mills and Boon style ending (lovers are reunited)?  Well, this film is from squeaky-clean (at least on the outside) SM Entertainment so you can probably guess the answer to that one.  The plot is the number one problem with this film, it’s just too predictable for words and if you haven’t guessed every single major plot movement that happens in the entire film after about 10 minutes into it, you probably don’t watch a lot of films in general – and who would blame you if they were all of this standard.

Appeal to dancefags: I’ll be the first one to admit that I know nothing about dancing.  Derek’s mainly tap-based moves do seem pretty impressive to my untrained eye though, and so does BoA’s “I don’t know what the fuck you call that but I suppose it looks alright” style as well as the rest of the dancing cast.  The Japanese drumming is a bit shit though, hitting a drum while waving your arms around and yelling a bit is actually pretty fucking basic (and that’s something I do actually know about), but hey it might impress someone so whatever.  What’s not so great about the film is the implementation of some of the dance – the main characters will on occasion go from dialogue into an obviously tightly-choreographed symbolic dance scene, but the script specifically plays it off as something spontaneous.  Witness (if you dare) the below scene where Derek’s harrassment of BoA until she finally accepts his dinner date is played out with symbolic dance moves instead of dialogue:

It’s all pretty cringeworthy, and sure it might interest a few people on some sort of technical dance level but it’s certainly not interesting in any other aspect.  Also don’t you love the moral lessons of this film?  “Guys, if she says no, she probably doesn’t mean it so just keep annoying her until she eventually says yes” is basically what we’re learning here.  Guys, this film is training you to be a typical rapey kind of douchebag, and girls, this film is teaching you that it’s perfectly acceptable for guys to be pestering assholes who can’t take no for an answer and that you should just deal with it because they’re so nice once you get to know them really, and that your opinion doesn’t matter – you owe them a chance to go out with you even if they’re acting like dickheads, because they really like you, man.  Ugh.  This kind of creepy social conditioning via popular culture is about 13582796 times more offensive to me than any of the supposedly “offensive” posts on Anti Kpop-Fangirl because it’s not satirical or tongue-in-cheek but sincere in intention and actually has an effect on the young audience that this sort of production is aimed at.  I could start a band called Admiral Niggerjew and the Rapecunting Faggot Bitches tomorrow and write a whole album of songs about the joys of oppressing women and minorities and it wouldn’t be half as offensive or damaging to society as the subtext of the courtship dynamics in “Make Your Move”… that is, assuming anybody actually watched “Make Your Move”.

Appeal to k-pop fans: so, how much actual k-pop content is in this thing, is it enough to make k-pop fans care?  Obviously BoA being in it is the big drawcard for k-poppers (or was supposed to be – oops), but there’s no BoA songs at all except one that rolls over the end credits and BoA’s character in the movie is a dancer, not a singer (just like the real BoA isn’t that right vocalfags, p.s notice nobody cares).  TVXQ’s Yunho makes an embarrassing cameo as a very awkward-looking dancer, and one of their songs is in the soundtrack somewhere, as well as Girls’ Generation’s “Cheap Creeper” and an English-language version of Henry’s “Trap“.   All of these songs appear quite briefly, and apart from those and the previously mentioned f(x) content, that’s all you get.  You don’t even get any of the iconic k-pop dancing – “Make Your Move” would have been the perfect movie to showcase it especially with BoA on board, but in the rare cases where k-pop is briefly danced to it’s not by BoA and seemingly not using the original point choreography but new moves especially made for this film.  The k-pop connection is oddly completely wasted (it’s not even mentioned that BoA’s character is Korean until about the 45 minute mark), maybe the filmmakers were worried that going further into this area might have alienated audiences but I think not making a shit generic film should have been a more pressing concern.

Appeal to BoA fappers: BoA’s hair and face looks fantastic throughout and she’s styled very flatteringly and from all the right angles at least from the shoulders up, which should please anyone who is here just to see BoA on the big screen and for no other reason (although for my money as far as pure fap value goes she’s upstaged by Polish actress Izabella Miko as a secretary or whatever, who doesn’t get nearly enough screen time).  From the neck down it’s a different story – despite the camera being very kind to her, BoA has the disadvantage of constantly dressing like a frumpy hip-hop granny, all flowing Keith Richards hippy threads and boring hoodies instead of the kind of shit we’d rather see her wear.  Still, BoA fans are at least well catered for in the film’s love scene which is another one of those comical metaphoric “spontaneous” choreographed dance-offs.

BoA fappers might as well just watch the above YouTube and forget all about the rest of the film, as it contains all the fap you’re going to get… unless you’re a sadist who also likes watching business turf wars where girls get strongarmed by irate guys in suits paranoid about getting the short end of a deal (which I guess is also something SM Entertainment would know all about).

Conclusion: Don’t bother.  Yes, everybody was right and I should’ve listened, but hey at least I found out my own way and hopefully entertained you in the process… probably the most entertainment value anyone has so far extracted from this film.  It’s honestly not absolutely horrible, just brain-thuddingly average and dumb.  I would have actually preferred “Make Your Move” if it was completely awful because then it would have at least been funny and that could have been really entertaining, but as it turns out it’s just super-bland, a far worse crime.  I’d rather listen to The Shaggs than Nickelback.

Final score: 1.5 unconvincingly-thrown flashbangs out of 5.