Let’s be honest – there’s no such thing as someone who is anti-pornography. We all love porn, and those who are the most vocal about hating it are always the ones who secretly love it the most. Not only is porn fun and interesting, but observing how a society treats both its pornography industry and people who watch porn is a good litmus test of how much a supposedly free society truly values its freedoms once you remove the hype. The right to fap over media representations of other people doing kinky shit is something worth fighting for. Just look at the majorly sexually frustrated expression on this guy’s face – he understands the necessity of something that people in developed countries take for granted in this easy-access Internet age, and he probably hasn’t fapped over a nice pair of boobies in a while.
I’m glad that’s settled, then. Now that both of you who are anti-porn have stopped reading, let’s look at some of the k-pop groups who have discussed their porn use to determine who are the most dedicated to the noble art of fap, so we can give them our full appreciation and support.
SUPER JUNIOR
Relevant part starts from 4:25.
Eunhyuk gets busted watching porn and comes up with a lame excuse, and no-one else in the group wants to admit that they fap on the regular either, clumsily deflecting the interview team’s very direct questions. Stopped watching porn in grade 9? More like started – come on guys. These are not the people to lead our porn revolution – very poor form. Porn advocacy rating – 2/10.
ORANGE CARAMEL/AFTER SCHOOL
Most of you will know about Lizzy’s copious porn-watching habits as well as her extremely crappy “for research” justification which was along the lines of watching tons of adult films so she could learn how to act sexy for After School’s Flashback comeback. Never mind that Lizzy actually looks sexier in a fucking daggy stretchy jumper than in any OC or AS concept so far…
What got significantly less publicity was Nana’s interview on a TV show where she admitted going into an adult bookstore in Japan. However she insisted that the store wasn’t just for adult books, but just had an adult section that was curtained off that she didn’t go into. In what I’m only guessing is a sledgehammer Pledis damage-control move the video itself has been mercilessly scrubbed off every last corner of the Internet, so you’ll just have to take my word for it that this happened, and watch this video instead and imagine Nana in the same scenes:
It’s a real shame I can’t find it because the look on Jungah’s face while Nana is admitting this is priceless and along the lines of “SHUT UP GIRL ARE YOU TRYING TO TRASH OUR CAREERS OR WHAT?!?”. Anyway, fuck lame excuses, just fess up, Nana and Lizzy. Porn advocacy rating – 2/10 for After School, 3/10 for Orange Caramel given OC has the higher percentage of porn-watchers.
MBLAQ
G.O. from MBLAQ apparently has a separate laptop dedicated just to pornography – clearly the sign of a true porn die-hard as any true porn freak will tell you that portable storage is all about being able to easily hide it when the girlfriend/parents/employers/police come. Of course, he didn’t actually admit that himself but had to get ratted out by groupmate Lee Joon, and he then returned the favour and talked about Lee Joon wanting porn on his MP3 player. One good turn deserves another I guess, but ultimately still a bit chickenshit in a bucket crab kind of way. Porn advocacy rating – 3.5/10.
SHINEE
This video of a radio interview has lots of shaming going on and a palpable sense of tension, I bet Taemin delivered some payback once those radio microphones went off. The video gets cut out before Taemin gets to either justify himself, deliver some lame excuse or go “so what” on air, but since it was edited out I’m going to assume that he didn’t do anything except grin insipidly and leave the rest to our imaginations – which is not what porn is about. I am disappoint. Porn advocacy rating – 3.5/10.
BIGBANG
The sun rises in the east, and Seungri likes porn. No surprise there. The “baseball” reference is because “baseball matches” and “porn” sounds similar in Korean. Once again it’s a pity G-Dragon had to rat him out and he couldn’t fess up himself but at least Seungri took it on the chin (much like the blonde girls in the videos on the laptop no doubt) and didn’t say to GD “but I only downloaded them because you asked me to”. Porn advocacy rating – 4/10.
DBSK/TVXQ
I couldn’t find a convincing source other than shady unsourced trivia lists and horrid fanfiction for rumours that Yunho was busted by his mother watching porn and convinced her it was for “an assignment”. However Changmin really came to the party on this one in the above video, he not only admits to watching porn just like “99.9% of people on Earth”, but his Mom even knows about it, and when asked to curtail her son she only says “watch good ones” – an instruction that I’m sure he won’t need to be told twice. That’s a bit more like it, however the notable embarrassment brings their porn advocacy rating down slightly – 6.5/10.
U-KISS
U-KISS also have a better attitude about it.
At least Kiseop admits it and doesn’t seem to care that much. Bravo – now I know why all you fangirls like them – it’s honesty that really melts a girl’s heart. Tell her you watch porn, she’ll thank you for it. Porn advocacy rating – 7/10.
IU
IU’s confession of her porn-watching is surprisingly on-point:
“It wasn’t as exciting as I hoped it would be. The process leading up to making love has to be believable, but that didn’t happen in porn. There was no story line.”
That’s actually a really common complaint that women have about a lot of porn – an opinion like that proves that IU is legit as fuck, she clearly sat down with that motherfucking DVD rip and said “yep, I’m going to watch this from start to finish and give this an honest critique”. Kudos for that, I could never get most of my girlfriends through the opening credits. Porn advocacy rating – 7.5/10.
T-ARA
If there’s one thing T-ara know how to do and do well, it’s sticking a PR leg out in places where other groups fear to tread. From disciplining miscreant lazy members publicly on SNS to maintaining a steadfast public presence even when the entire Internet wants them to fuck off, this is one group that just doesn’t give a shit, a breath of fresh air in the Korean music scene as well as society in general.
Never mind Jiyeon’s lame handballing of the question [insert forced-meme Jiyeon webcam strip joke that we're all completely bored of here] – compare Hyomin’s courageous yet completely deadpan manner to the attitude of most of the gutless smirking men you’ve seen in this thread so far. Talk about not giving one solitary flying fuck what any asshole thinks, in the true T-ara style that would later become their trademark. Bad examples? More like role models. ‘Atta girl. Porn advocacy rating – 8/10.
BLOCK B
Block B are quite open about their massive porn stashes, freely admitting to hoarding porn in a radio interview and showing no shame whatsoever, plus displaying some wisdom that only the experience of curating an almighty porn library can bring – here’s some highlights:
- Kyung: This is nothing to be shy over, though, since we’re all adults!
- Zico: Exactly. That’s why I’ll have fun watching the porno Jaehyo hyung recommended to me last night.
- Younha: Then what are some of your know-hows on keeping your porn stash hidden?
- Zico: I usually put it in a folder with a lot of other video files so it’s hard to find.
- Jaehyo: No wonder you were caught by me.
- Kyung: That’s such an amateur trick. You can just right click the file, go to properties, and check ‘Hidden’. Without a trace!
- Zico: The cool thing about Kyung’s computer is you can search up any porn title and it’s there in the results.
- Kyung: These days, I have that hidden too. You know, since I’m an idol now.
- Younha: It must be really difficult to find things on your computer, then.
- Kyung: People that really want my (porn stash) will find it, though. They’ll find a way.
- Zico: People like Bibum hung.
- Jaehyo: U-Kwon actually just keeps his porn publicly all over his desktop.
Very good, and the tips are appreciated. Another fine example for us all. Porn advocacy rating – 8.5/10.
UNHASU ORCHESTRA
You’ve all seen this video and had a laugh, right? I bet you’ve all shared it to your friends – “Hey, look at North Korea’s shithouse attempt at competing with k-pop, ROFLMAO who do they think they are kidding” etc. Well, I’m going to share with you something that will make you look at this group in a new way.
In North Korea, times are tough – even if you’re a mega-celeb, there’s not much to go around. One of the singers of the above group, Hyon Song-Wol, had a little cottage business going on the side – making and selling homemade porn tapes. When North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un (also her ex-boyfriend) found out about this, he did what I suppose would unfortunately be expected of a dictator in such circumstances – he had her shot by firing squad. He also shot the other 11 members of her group (who had nothing to do with the tapes), while family, friends and other music groups including North Korea’s other answer to k-pop Morabong Band (below) were forced to watch, and then he threw all the spectators in prison, thus destroying North Korea’s calculated answer to the k-pop explosion in one fell swoop.
Did she know when she started making porn tapes, that it could end her life and the lives of those around her if she was caught? Knowing the dictator as well as she did, it’s hard to believe she would have had any illusions – yet she did it anyway, because sometimes you just got to make a porn starring yourself and sell it, because that’s the way it is. Needless to say, porn advocacy rating – 10/10.
Don’t forget to light a candle for our fallen warriors…. or just find a really good porn and fap to it in their memory. It’s what they would want. If you’re not sure what the good ones are, just ask Changmin, he’ll ask his mother for you.
